2:55 Am, Sunday, July 22, 2012.

Today -or technically yesterday I suppose-
I wrote
about the randomest things my mind could convey,
as I waited for you to get off work.

and as I waited, I thought to myself,
I wonder if you are thinking about me too.

Then, like clock work,
my cellphone vibrated.
buzzz

I swiftly unlocked it.
across, all the way to the left, down, to the right, second circle.

one unread message

and it simply read
i love you <3

The flutters in my chest refused to subside
as I typed my response.

I

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less than

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three

3

And at this moment it all hit me.
Harder than it had before.
In the gut.
Knocking the wind out of me.

When would I finally be able tell you again,  
that I loved you,
tell you that you meant the world to me,
tell you how losing you would shatter my heart
into a billion little pieces.
When would I be able to tell you all of this to your face?

To look you in your green gold eyes
and pour my heart out to you.
tell you everything I had been
too much of a coward to say before.
Or maybe,
Maybe I had not known the whole story,
and I wanted to finish it before
I would ask you to read it.

But I made a promise to myself.
that I would not let this distance break my spirits,
or tear down the hope that we had hung so carefully,
like a picture, moving it this way and that
trying to get it perfectly on the wall that we had created
and surrounded ourselves with
so that we would be safe from the
doubts
and
evils
and
the heartbreak.

And we had placed ourselves
in this room of walls
so that we could remain here forever.
In bliss.
In each other's arms.
so that I would always be able
to look into your green gold eyes and tell you that
I loved you.

And that would be enough.
That would be enough to keep you and I
as one.

But what do we do now?

What do we do while we are 1,172.469 miles away from each other?
How am I supposed to look you in your eyes and tell you that
I love you?

How is this possible?

....oh yeah,
that's right.
it's not.

And I promised myself
I wouldn't let this distance
break my spirits,
or my hope.
And that I would ignore the
doubts
and
evils
and
the heartbreak.

But that's such a hard thing to do when you're 1,172.469 miles away.

During the day,
it was a beautiful place.
Birds sang as they flew
through the sky that met the ocean
in the same shade of blue,
so equally blended that the naked eye
couldn't tell exactly where they met.

The fresh grass,
stained in a light layer of mildew,
perfumed the air with it's sent.
The rays of sunlight brought feelings
of joy, warmth and happiness to every living thing.

The waterfall sent gentle,
rippling kisses of waves
to the rocky shore.

The paradise was a different place at night.

The lovely song birds left their jobs
to the old owls who "whoooo"-ed
with an emptiness
that left a hollow feeling in your bones.

The magnificent blues of the sky and sea were replaced
by an endless black
that seemed to have no beginning and no end.

The grass was nothing more
than a blanket beneath your feet,
and the once fresh scent was substituted
by something less welcoming,
that smothered your nostrils.

Rays of sunlight had disappeared
as the cold wind blew them slowly away
and the sun had gone with them.

The waterfall crashed down,
splashing chaotically,
sending the water that waited below
into the dangerous stone edge.

I read things she wrote about you and her today.
And every word broke my heart.
I thought I could trust you.
But now, I have every reason not to.

I have every right to throw every little bad thing about you in your face.
To curse and scream and say things that will make you hurt as badly as I am.

But for some reason I can't bring myself to do so.
I cant make your heart ache like mine.
And even though vengeance is calling, I won' t fall into temptation.

Because I truly love you.
It's hard though because I'm suppose to be the hard *** that doesn't care about anything or anyone.

When it came to you, I couldn't be that person.

But now I can't be anything.
Because I feel like nothing.

The only thing I can think about is

all of the time I invested in you
and all the trust I had given you.
and every piece of my heart I let you caress,
But you went and threw it all away.
because it was meaningless to you, wasnt it?

The worst part of it all is that you dont even know that I know.
So for the sake of you and I,
I wont bring it up.
I'll play pretend and act like everything is fine and dandy.

I wont let you know how badly you have hurt me or how much I cared about you.
I wont let you hear me cry "how could you do this to me" or about how shattered I am.

I'll say "hey babe!" when I answer the phone and when you ask how I am
I'll tell you that I'm missing you.
Because no matter how much pain I'm in,
that will always be the truth.

And when you say you love me I'll say "I love you too"
Because no matter how badly you hurt me,
that will always be the truth too.

Paint my body with your fists.
Tell me you love me
While your hands betray your words.
Let your fingers squeeze me
Until that little moan, that you love so much, escapes me.

Use me as your canvas.
Stain my paper thin skin with watercolors.
Let the black fade into purple; then to blue.
To green, and pale yellows.

Allow time to erase your pretty picture
Just to create a new pattern of
Black and Blue.

Kiss me while I wince at the pain.
Watch me flinch at your raised hand.
Then tell me you'd never hurt me.

The cascading crackle of thunder booms while
lightning is bright against the gray sky.
Rain crashes
like pouring a continuous bucket of water over the entire city.
Drowning the world below in sheets of wet and cold.

The lights flicker a few times
before going out
completely.

I'm accompanied by my closest companions.
Darkness and Silence.
They are here often.
They know they are welcome.

Darkness is an endless pit
I've stumbled upon
and fallen into.

Silence has always been with me.
Controlled me as though I were a
puppet, and she the
puppeteer.

They have become my only friends.
Forcing me away from "real" people.

But it's alright.
I've gotten used to being
Alone.

So here we sit,
accompanying one another.

*Darkness, Silence, and Alone

I'm disgusted by her image.

Disgusted by her finger nails; peeled of their polish and bit to the quick.

By her boring never dyed or cut, wavy hair with wisps falling around her face from the sloppy ponytail.

By the black Led Zeppelin tshirt shes wearing that drapes like a curtain around her skeleton; too big for her too thin body.

Disgusted by the scars on her forearms and wrists from multiple sessions with any sharp object she could find.

By her ripped jeans, hugging her small waist, scarred thighs and bruised legs.

I'm disgusted by the dark circles that round the bottoms of her empty eyes.

By the trail of hot tears down her sunken cheeks.

By the cowardly thoughts in her corrupted mind of suicide

because it'd be so much easier than this

I'm disgusted by her.
Staring back at me through a veil of tears
in the mirror.

I can't help but fall.
deeper,
            deeper,
                        deeper.
These little blue and white pills pull me so far down.
Into darkness.

After two, I feel my once tense muscles begin to relax.

Three more and my eyelids start to get heavy.

Four more, my mind eases; thoughts drain themselves away.

Five more, and consciousness escapes me.

A sea of medicated sleep engulfs me.
I float away, far deeper than my sober being could wallow.

Here, I can't hear the voices. Inside, or out.

No one to remind me what a disappointment I am.
No mirror to look into and think about how disgusting the thing is, staring back at me.
No overwhelming thoughts to motivate a razor across my body.
Nothing.
No one.
Just the comforting silence of sweet dreamless sleep.

I still remember every detail.
The pit of fear in my stomach.
The grip you had on my wrists and arms.
The smell of Jaegar and tobacco pouring out of your disgusting mouth along with the slur of

"It's going to be fine, sweetheart"

My skin crawling as you forced me out of my clothes.
The acid tears burning my face as you took what wasn't yours to take.
The value of my already worthless body gone.
Forever.

And in the place of something once pure,
You left these haunting memories from which I cannot escape.

You've crushed me.
I gave you my heart of glass,
that came with a caution sign because it had been so badly treated before
and you let it shatter.

I should have been more careful.
Never gotten so close.
Never gotten so attached.
Never let my happiness depend on you.

I made a mistake by trusting you,

but I regret nothing.
I still love you with all the pieces of my broken heart.
I still miss you with every ounce of my aching soul and
I would do anything to turn back the hands of time.

Because if I could, I would be with you. Not a thousand miles away.
Then none of this would have ever happened and we'd be happy together.

But I guess
This is no fairy tale and happily ever afters don't exist in reality.

When I wrote before, it was because I needed an outlet for my emotions.
Whether they were morbid or buoyant.
But now, it seems that I have found that I cannot feel.

I suppose this is why I haven't wrote.

I can't talk about how infatuated I am with a mysterious man because I do not have that person to write about. And I could not feel infatuation even if I did have a lover.  
I am unable to express the depressive ambiance coming from within because I am sure it has dissolved by now.

I'm no longer the pathetic being I was just months ago.
I've evolved into something lesser than a sadness-consumed commodity and I've concluded a robotic, cold substance was left after the despondency faded.

And if this is all that I am, than how could I write anything worth reading.

I've tried so hard to put stupid ******* words together about how intoxicating you are but I think I'm still love drunk from your kiss goodbye.

The universe is waiting for you to stand tall again
     just
          so
               it can
                   knock
                         you
                              back
                          ­         down.

Last night, he waited at the end of my street in his red pick up
while I snuck out of the back door in my shorts and a hoodie.

We drove around and talked music for hours
and between the exchange of our words
we exchanged a perfectly rolled blunt.

Somehow we ended up back at his place
on the back porch with a cigarette in one hand and my fingers intertwined with his in the other.

At some point his extremities began to graze my leg
slowly moving up towards the inside of my thigh.

And how I wanted so badly to give into his touch
But all I could offer was a kiss
that tasted of desperation and nicotine.

When all that was left of his cigarette was the cherry at the end of its filter,
he asked if he could leave his mark on me.

And with the nod of my head, he put the small roll of tobacco out
on the same place where his fingertips fluttered over just minutes before.

With his brand on my inner thigh and my tongue in his mouth,
I felt extraordinary lust and helplessness in the pit of my stomach.

You told me my smile told you everything
The depth of my dimples,
The squintyness of my eyes.
          
          It all told you everything
          It told you what I was thinking and feeling.
          It told you my desires and needs.
          It spoke things my words could not.
                    
                    It said simple things too.
                    How much sleep I had gotten
                    If I had watched the sunrise,
                    If I had chosen tea over coffee,
                    If I had read the newspaper.

And this is why -you said- this is why you hated
to see me anything but happy.

          Because when I wasn't happy,
          my smile told you I was faking it.

                   And you hated being lied to.

It's so upsetting to know
That there is so much beauty in the world.
And while there are plenty of places it chose to be,
One of them was not me.

We had a mutual hate for society.
The government's rations were irrational.
The economy's money had no worth.
The people's morals were immoral.
The religious had lost their faith.

We were stuck
in this world,
with no way out.

Before we had met each other,
neither of us had believed in that four letter word.
The one that people made a big deal over.
It had no meaning to either of us,
considering we never really knew what it was.
It's absence in our lives lead us to believe it didn't exist.

Plus,
Love was a kryptonite.
Who would let their guard down to be with some other
corrupted human being?
Certainly not I.
And sure as hell not you.

But just as any other cliche stupid love story would go,
destiny brought us together.

At first we were unsure of each other.
I had this undeniable habit of observing you from across the room,
And I'm sure you thought of me as some weird girl in your business class.

We ended up talking, and becoming friends.
But being "friends" lead to skipping class to make out in some hidden part of the school,
sitting on your lap at football games,
and texting all the time using winky faces and hearts.

I didn't think it was possible
but I had fallen for you.
Hard.
The way a toddler falls the first time they ride a bike.
Or the way Humpty Dumpty fell from his wall.

There was no putting me back together.

Unfortunately, at the time I didn't know how you felt.
and neither did you.

An opportunity came to me in which I had to make a decision.
Put up a fight and stay or just go with the flow and leave.

I never thought I could change anything between our "friends with benefits" relationship
and this paradise had nothing left to offer me, so I left.

And I guess the saying
"you never know what you have until it's gone"
showed true for you because you noticed my absence.

Every time the teacher would call my name for attendance
you would respond
"she isnt here"

Six Months Later..

I went to visit for a few days.
I spent three of those days with you.
I had called you, told you I was in town.

When I saw you,
I was actually happy. Genuinely happy.
Which is saying a lot,
considering the rain cloud of depression that had been hanging over me for a while.

At first we were just like we used to be,
sarcastic ******* to each other.

In the middle of me ******* about something,
you grabbed my waist,
pulled me closer,
looked at me with those eyes of yours,
and kissed me.

I realized then how much I had missed you.
Your electrical touch,
the taste of your lips,
the intoxicating smell that radiated from your skin
of sweet vanilla and laundry detergent.

I couldn't stop the feelings I had for you
from coming back.
I loved and hated how weak you made me.

My knees would buckle,
threatening to give out from beneath me.
My chest would burn,
as though I had swallowed a million fireworks
and they were all going off at once.
And My heart.
I hated the way it ached to tell you that I loved you.

I had once believed the word was meaningless;
Just something people said to each other to shut the other person up.

But no.
It was much more than that.
And you pulled the true definition into my view.

Allowed it to take on different meanings,
gave me situations to connect it to,
and feelings to associate it with.

It's safe to say you taught me to love;
just as the world taught me to hate.

But your lesson had far more value than any other I'd had or would have.

You had the demeanor of an *******.
A self absorbed, selfish ****.

But from the first few moments I saw you,
I couldn't stop the yearning I felt
to introduce myself.

Because if I hadn't,
I'd feel terrible that I had judged you so harshly,
without even trading a word.

So I did.
And before I knew it,
I had some stupid school girl crush on you.

I never said anything.
It was quite obvious
but I would never admit to it.

                    We became close friends,
                    exchanged secrets.
                    I told you things that struck emotions in me.
                    You were surprised.
                   you have emotions?
                    although it was a joke, we both heard the pang of truth.

                    You showed me sides of you no one else saw.
                    The compassionate you.
                    The depressed you.
                    The caring you.
            
                    With just words, we had established this relationship that we continued to build upon.
                    But no matter how much we told each other,
                    we never spoke of our feelings that we felt for one another.
                    As a result, I was unsure of myself around you.

                    One day, curiosity struck you.
                    You began questioning me.
                    We trekked into territory that both of us had avoided.

                                        Eventually I told you.
                                        The seven words escaped my mouth before I could stop them,
                                        like on a windy day,
                                        when you try to keep the **** hat on your head
                                        but it still gets away.
                                        All of the repressed emotions emptied themselves
                                        into these seven words:

                                        I LOVE YOU, OKAY?
                                         ....i love you.

The tears followed quickly.
A flowing stream down my cheeks.
because I had never thought you'd feel the same
and I could not handle the vulnerability
of loving someone.

                    You held me.
                    And allowed me to rest my weary head
                    on your broad, muscular chest.
                    Your heartbeat soothed me
                    and as the tears stopped,
                    you pierced my eyes, with yours.
                    A dark, serious look crossed over the green gold sea of your irises.

                                        You whispered seven words,
                                         mostly to yourself.
                                         but I heard them, because if I hadn't
                                         I wouldn't have felt like a swarm of butterflies were
                                         trying to escape my stomach.

*It's fine. Because I love you too.

The wind blows harder up here,
As though it is trying to push
these skyscrapers toppling over.

The air is purer,
easier on the nose.
The normal gas fumes from the city buses
and the polluted, busy streets don't threaten to strangle you
when you're too high for them to reach.

The people are tiny.
Like ants in chaos,
scrambling
because you accidentally set a foot
on their grainy mound.

The sounds are distant.
Taxi horns' blow sounds like squeaks of mice
while construction workers' jack hammers mimic wood peckers.

Clouds suffocate the sky,
smothering the sunlight,
refusing to let it shine as it should.

Temptation sneaks up on me,
beckoning me
over the edge of the building.

Would it be such a bad idea?
Just one move, that's all it would take.
No effort required at all.

I picture myself jumping,
as I have multiple times before.

The wind in my hair,
gravity pulling me in,
the free falling feeling in my stomach.

And at this point,
Temptation almost makes me do it,
End it all.
But I decide against it.
And even though I have won
once again,
I still feel
defeated.

When I had to leave I felt like I was leaving a part of me behind.
Like I had found some amazing new piece to the puzzle of myself
but I couldn't add it until I finished the rest.

It would end up being the last piece that brought everything together.
You were the piece that completed me.

But I had to leave.
And it hurt so bad.

Now.
I have this empty feeling.
Because the gap in this puzzle left a hole in my heart
That can not be filled with anything from anyone else
except you.

This longing to be with you has taken over me.

Everything I do, say, or think
makes it's way back to you.

Life is brutal. mimicking the way I cant be with you.
The beauty in this world vanished
when I discovered how beautiful my own world was
and you,
darling,
are my world;
that I can't be apart of.

After realizing how excruciatingly hideous this world is
and finding so much better
and dealing with not being able to be with you,

it has exhausted any drop of energy I had left in me.
Drained the light from my eyes
and placed this ache in my heart.

And Baby, I miss you so much.
The way the sun misses the moon,
or how a desert misses the rain.
Like a cactus misses a hug
or a venus fly trap misses a kiss.