How can I claim to love you with everything in me and it still not be enough
I want a love straight off the pages
For you to look at me  
To see me for everything that I am and that I want to be and that we are
A love you cannot stop thinking about
Gaze longingly at me and know with everything in you
That I am it

Instead I beg, plead with my eyes with my tears with my closeness
I can be ruthless  
Show you the pieces of me I keep secrets with and leave them as gifts at your altar
Hide away the longing to feel burned as your palms near my skin
Concede with bitter acceptance that I do not feel scorched in return

Perhaps it is me that is broken
Want is not enough I need
I want to feel your hum from inside my veins
I need to know you want this too

When I bring myself to peak at night it’s not you I see
I do not crave your skin or smell or feel
I do not need your eyes to translate words you never say
As I run a hand over my own flesh imagining what it’s meant to feel wanted
I remember how you don’t, how you didn’t and how in spite of me knowing this you insist that you do

I have been there before, you know, and it scared me
Enough to push the tightness away giggling as I remind myself this is no hard cover
      That words can’t leave imprints on skin
      That touch doesn’t tingle or buzz or burn
Petrified me in place as I begged for just one more kiss with the slightest shift of my gaze to yours
      Held my breath for your consideration
      Gasped at the slightest touch of you against me
Consumed so much these days you can still hear barely above a whisper me pleading for it

Under the spotlight of this faith you absorbed my exhale and have yet to return even a whisper
My chest remains tight in need of so much more than it back
Thighs spread in surrender leaving only enough space between for you
I wait
Letting the darkness wrap back around like the flip of a switch stealing the last wisps of light within me

I'm expectant and

I'm ready to write it down:


the northern lights, there!

there is a gold lighter on the kitchen counter.
it doesn't mean anything
but it still burns with the heat of the last time it
was alive.
i pocket it.  i will try it later, when i am alone,
and watch it's smoke curl in to the crevices of the endless sky.


outside there is a dais and my family are spread across it like a luxurious french tapestry.  
it is fraying, though.
or maybe it always was.



i am colder than i was here, last year.
every spring we gather to remind each oher
that we should see each oher more, shouldn't we?
i am planted in this polite, vacuous soil of words.
a bulb submerged, fat and waiting in the earth.
i am waiting to grow.  to turn my face up, and away.
last year there were more of us, i'm sure;
but i can't recall the names
faces
of those that aren't here.

we are measuring our decline like an hourglass-
with each new year we are one less, one less.

I often wonder
whether in those books you read
you ever read my name
between the lines

like an unexpected gift
or unfortunate rift
like a rifle aimed at you
or flowers handed to you

do you ever feel like I am there?
staring back at your weary eyes
do you ever stop and think back?
the love we never got to share...

a poisonous thought, come evening
I wonder and wonder and wander
to you, the birthmark on your wrist
the poems you write, the meaning you twist

between the lines
did you ever wonder?

quietude of love
everlastingly beautiful
rambunctious excitement
effervescent life
never, yet, the twain shall meet

between the lines
did you ever wonder about me?

My love,
I wish you could visit.
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Is truly exquisite.
And I knew,
From the very start,
That you and I
Can never depart.

As not a million miles,
Can break us apart.

maybe
my wings
are a bit
too long
and i’ve
flown
too close
to the sun

perhaps
it is i
who is
lost
in
the sky
getting
carried away
having fun

my smile
has shown
more
than it has
in a while
and i’m
looking forward
to future
grins
too

my head’s
in a spin
as
my heart’s
caving in
and i’m
just not
quite sure
what to do

i know
what
i want
and i
i know
what
i don’t
but i’m
not sure
how to
navigate
between

i’ve been lost
for so long
that i
don’t know
what’s wrong
and i’m
stuck
feeling
like
the
grass
is
never green

the moon
hangs
on
a
wire
as
it
dangles
to
inspire
and i’m
caught
beneath
recycled rays
of sun

the lights
will guide
the way
the
stars
will
find a day
for us to
be
everything
we’d
hoped
we
could
become

i have never loved anybody the way i loved you
i’m afraid that i never will
i know not all love is the same
but must you be the one i never forget
must you be the one i compare to all the rest
maybe it’s not you
yeah, you weren’t perfect
perhaps you were just the first time
i put my all into somebody

In shadows cast by loss, I dwell,
Last New Year took, my heart's knell.
Seeking solace, with aunt I dwell,
Yet found within, a tempest's swell.

Their strife, a dance of pain untold,
Narcissism's grip, a tale unfold.
Kindness quivers, in fragile hold,
As savings slip, in coffers cold.

Two moons pass, in this troubled space,
Yearning to flee, this tangled embrace.
But chains unseen, withhold my grace,
Rest eludes, in this weary chase.

In whispers soft, I plead my leave,
Yet echoes of refusal cleave.
Sleep, a distant, elusive reprieve,
In this tangled web, I grieve.

Lost in silence, veiled distress,
Wounds unseen, seek redress.
Yearning for solace, in the vastness,
Amidst their chaos, I confess.