I was no tiny dancer.
Maybe, once,
before you and me.
Maybe I pointed my toes and held my head high.
But I forgot how to pirouette and jete.

I know you thought you held me up.
I know you thought you fixed me.
But, my little partner,
you never stood a chance.
I'm sorry, my darling.
I tripped into your arms and you did all you could.
You held me crying and watched me dress.

I loved the lilies.
Even though they never came,
I loved the lilies.

I'm so sorry, Tom,
that when I tripped, I knocked you down.
I'm sorry I chened into someone else's arms
to learn how to dance again.

I hope someday you find a partner.
I hope she loves your lilies.
I hope she loves your danse russe.

To Whom It May Concern:

If I've learned anything from this, it would have been my fascination. So easily I become consumed and entranced by those that seem to appear within perfect timing. I manipulate my mind into believing in fairy tales, but ever so often I am reminded that this is Wisconsin. I am not a princess that will one day be whisked into a happily ever after, or so life leads me to believe.

Unlike a happily ever after, my story continues. No sequel to be written, I stumble through trying to regain what is left of this. The problem is that I continue. The easy way out is to stop before things get too deep, but by the time you realize the depth you've created, your heart won't leave as easily.

If someone asked me 9 months from  now if I regretted anything I'd say yes. Yes, I do regret many things. I regret showing weakness that is my constant return. My heart was always more afraid of recovering, my mind feared my sanity. I regret the vulnerability I gave, the secrets I admitted, the loyalty, the passion, my smiles. I regret allowing myself recovery then continuously bringing myself back to the same point.

For a person to give up on you while you still are head over heels hurts. Your pride goes. The second time around, I sit in the exact same position asking myself how I let this happen again. To know that the person you love is giving up on you for someone else hurts the pride more. Knowing that at the end of the day you weren't the person they wanted vulnerability, secrets, loyalty, passion, or smiles from. You came second, and it would forever remain that way.

I was in a relationship with myself maybe. Somewhere along the line I became too bold and asked you to join. I believed things were as you said, but slowly I saw them for what they really were. I fell in love with the lie, but everything I gave was real. So many poems and smiles you've inspired.

How long will you make me wait?
Twist the blade or try to ease it out.
Whichever you chose,
just do it already.
Stop standing over me, flaunting your power
and refusing to yield it.

Tell me when my faithful waiting turns into holding on too long.
Bring an end to this chapter, so I can justify my means.
Take your chivalry and go.
Take your morals and store them next to my blue earrings and the lily from my hair.
Take your guilt and rest your head on its lap while you drift off.
Take your duty and teach it to line up a shot.
Take your 'right thing' and tell it I am wrong.

Leave me unrequited, just light a fire beneath me when you go.
Give me names to scream at your back,
and a reason to slam the door behind you.
Leave me angry and fuming, let me hate you
and be glad you're turning your heel.
Tell me you didn't understand me at all.
Tell me you didn't see every part of me.
Tell me you hated the way my eyes looked at that little girl
Tell me that you lied.
Tell me you tell everyone your secrets.

Or call me again.
Call me and say you're sorry.
Say you called because you couldn't stay away.
Say you made promises to want to keep.
Say forgiving you doesn't make me weak.
Say you're trying
and say someday,
somehow.
Say you love me too.
Say you want to ease this blade out of me.

Or dear God, please just twist it.

Ive 'nunquam magis sentiuntur solus* is Latin for
                                 I've never felt more alone.

I only learned Latin because
For some reason, I think that if I say things in the root of most languages,
I'll find most of the roots to these feelings.
But... Cogitationes strangulatus.
It's funny. Saying "thoughts stifle" in latin, merely sounds like cognitive strangles.
                                Not that it's any different, really.
It just sounds so much more like what I want it to be.
The English language has a hard time
Catching the depth of things
without sounding like it's trying too hard.
I want to be able to say something once, just once,
and be done with it.
To stop ruminating on you and find peace knowing that when I say
Reliquum aliud nihil est dicere
I don't just mean "there's nothing left to say."
I mean that *I've said everything I needed to say.

Because life's to short
and trying is to tough
Because hearts are to frail
and life is to rough
Because failure is just defeat
and never at all a lesson
Because sadness leads to agony
and agony leads to depression
Because this life is worthless
and it all means nothing
Because hope is useless
and its ever worth doubting
Because feelings are to much
and just something we don't get
Because our choices are faulty
and that we seem to regret
Because trust is uncommon
and never even worth while
Because being 'Deep' Is to hard
and one step seems like a mile

But the truth is beyond us
Its something I work for
A world without lies or depression
Or maybe even something more.

So I stagger forward
as you should too
In hopes that these miles
bring me closer to you.

Because all in all, I've fallen.
(This is the day I die, The day I'm forgotten, And the day I'm born anew)

We fell, for what was thought to be Love.

We held, on to what was thought to be Hope.

The Days went into Months and the Months went into Years.

We even lost count of those pages in the book of Promises we dogeared.



Those summerdays we spent traipsing in the sun

and the starless nights spent watching life slowing down in motion.

All these time we shared and get involved in each other's emotions,

The Youth we spent consumed wondering about our actions and reactions.



The carefree times lovers should have were filled with paranoia,

Even Freedom was robbed by another person's act of denial!

Disappointment and Hurt, tears and Sadness;

the desperate pleadings of the Heart were taken and thrown into the wilderness.



The bank of tears has dried up, the Heart has gone weak.

The Mind stopped working and the Body has lost its Spirit.

Finally, it is time to say goodbye.

So goodbye, goodbye. I end this with a sigh

what is it about night time
the absence of light
the darkness of the new day
the internal wheel temporarily
taking over for the external one in the sky

I exist only because several series of numbers say I do

I saw you.
You seemed the same.
Your eyes seemed the same.
Your lips seemed the same.
Your smile seemed the same.
I touched you.
Your skin felt the same.
Your kiss felt the same.
Your breath smelled the same.
I held you against me.
Your warmth seemed the same.
Your touch felt the same.
Your stroke felt the same.

You seemed...
the same...

I looked in her eyes,
and all they said was...

You are not the same...




I am not the same...