why bother having my notifications on.
it’s not like anyone will reach out.
it’s not like my phone will light up.
awn does that make you sad?
what, i’m just telling you how it is.
if you got a problem with it, why don’t you fix it?
“people do reach out though,”
okay, who?
cause i ain’t getting the texts if someone is.
“don’t say that about yourself,”
why not?
it’s the truth.
why should i have my notifications on,
if no one will notify me?
there’s no point.
if that’s sad to you,
well then fix it.
text me then.
because i’m sick of doing your work for you.
you're an adult,
pull up your big girl pants and put in actual work for a friendship,
do your part.
i’m done.
i’ll let you feel what i have been feeling,
you probably won’t because it wouldn’t cross your mind.
if now you think you should text me,
well you're too late.
don't care.
don’t care if now you're trying,
you should’ve been trying a long time ago.
this is the real world babe,
no sugar coating,
no hand holding,
no gentle parenting here.
either do your part,
or leave.
so i guess you're leaving.

I sit there.
Looking at rich, pure nature.
Water peacefully flowing down the river,
Trees swaying,
Leaves falling,
Birds singing.
I see the beauty amongst us,
And yet I still feel like this.
So as my feet dangle,
I feel a sense of guilt,
A feeling that I should have done more.
I watch my feet appear and disappear,
While my brain is cramped with these thoughts
That wouldn’t just go away.
I feel as though I’m suffocating.
As if a giant pillow is crashing down on me
Or that I’m stuck under water,
And can’t swim up for a breath.
This kind of feeling doesn’t go away.
Even if I’m smiling.
Even if I’m laughing.
It’s still there,
Slowly creeping up to me
With its hands around my neck
It keeps pushing,
And pushing,
And pushing,
Until my lungs can’t grasp for air,
Until my face goes numb,
Until my arms drop by my side.
I feel it right now.
Those hands.
They’re pushing me,
Swaying me back and forth
As I get closer and closer to the edge.
 
What if I do fall?
Will there be anyone to catch me?
or would I just make a thud?
and nobody will ever know.
All I know is,
If I do fall,
Then that feeling is gone.
I would never have to feel those hands again.
I would never have to suffocate.
So,
What will it be?
Ending that feeling?
Or
Feeling like this forever?