I keep trying to impress you, make you laugh, maybe even approve of me

Each failed attempt is a loss, not only in my mission but my soul;
I lost that, the moment I decided to try.

I wish I could
I wish I still had it in me
I know how much this hurts you
Your affliction pains me...
You can soar with me
Or remain a prisoner to misery
But your joy at my expense is no longer logic to me.

I'm not this person
I'm not this person who's emotionally numb
I'm not this person who's content with misery
I'm not this person who stares at a car about to hit her and feels a slight sense of relief because it's the end of my affliction
I'm not the girl that cries herself to sleep
I'm not the girl whose only reason to smile is a cute YouTube video

I'm supposed to be the girl in the picture,  the one that's drowning in joy
The one oblivious to sadness
Not the girl holding back her tears

How are such conflicting concepts housed in the same vessel...
Oh Kodak moment, what a beautiful liar you've shown yourself to be.

Your love was supposed to be the purest
The strongest
The longest
It was never me you saw
But a vessel for a life unlived
Unfulfilled

Maybe someday I can forgive you
But until then my love remains tainted
Possibly nonexistent

I don't mean to hurt you with my words , they're not said with the intention to shatter.
You deserve someone that believes in you; who sees how beautiful you are
Who will put your needs before their fears.
You deserve more than excuses , abandoned dreams and missed opportunities.
You deserve more than the mediocrity  my comfort zone offends you with
You deserve someone who's drowned by lust at the mere sight of you
Not someone who can't bare to look at you while you get dressed

I’m sorry. I hope when you find this person you can find it in your heart to forgive me,  I am weak.

My life is stagnant
My smile is never real,I use it to
masquerade my pain because you can’t handle my truth
I cry myself to sleep every night
I don’t aim for happy anymore;I just want
the pain to stop
I’m stuck in a mental loop of misery and I don’t know how to get out.
Ask me again! Just one more time and I promise I’ll tell you
I just need you to show me you care to see through my lie
That my absence won’t go unnoticed.
**I’m great , life’s good. Can’t complain and you?

See I had you once; I took you for granted because I didn't know what you meant to everyone else.
My desire to have you has become this mind consuming need that's out of my control.
I've been taught to want you
That I'm not enough without you.
That if I don't have you, I have to offer so much more than just me.
I'm pitied without you
Judged without you
Laughed at without you
Held at a different standard without you
I don’t feel worthy without you
Do I want you because you'll make me happy or because I'm told you're what I need?
Am I delusional for thinking I’m remotely desirable without you?
But wanting you causes me so much pain, are you worth losing my self-worth?
Will I appreciate you more now because I've lived without you?
I always wonder what having you would feel like.
Does your presence bring more joy than the sadness brought by your absence.
Does it bring self-acceptance, or the pedestaled global acceptance?
Will the pity end? 
Will all my pain disappear?
Will I finally be enough?
So, skinny, tell me, are you worth it?