i hate it when you talk with her
i love it when you smile
i hate it when you're hurting
but I haven't seen you in while


i hate it when you think you're smart
i love it when you stayed
i hate it when you hurt my heart
and when you went away

i hate it when you pretend to love
i love it when you're happy
i hate it when you smell bad
but it's hate or grossly sappy

i hate that i can't help you
i hate that you're away
i hate that I don't matter
but what I can no longer say,

is that you all are in my heart
because you're surely not
but i still think about you all
sometimes quite a lot

days blend together,
and suddenly,
my life becomes a scramble of moments,
rather than a sequence of events.

our life a timer,
and once the time is up,
if you haven't finished what you started,
if you haven't told who you love that you love them,
if you haven't if you haven't laughed enough,
if you haven't done enough
and if you haven't lived enough
you feel empty and incomplete

finish what you start,
if you love somebody tell them,
if it's funny don't hold back your laugh,
if you haven't done it, do it today
and don't think too much
just live...
because one day your timer will go off...

when they say that,
"one may be able to make your heart melt"
they may be right

one can crush your heart,
into so many pieces
that it incinerates within the time of utter unhappiness

one can play with your heart,
for too long
that it breaks from the games and germs of the world's love diseases

one can tear your heart,
so roughly,
that you bleed tears of sadness from your eyes

so yeah,
i guess you could say
"one may be able to make your heart melt"

i have these different people,
that all live inside of me.
and i wait and wait for the day when just one does.
when i have one heart,
the same wishes,
one vision,
all hope,
but today several still interchange everyday.
i can't be an author, an athlete, and an admirer of botanists.
i can only be an athlete for an hour
then at night, an author,
and from 12-2 an admirer.
when will the many people combine so i can just be one?
so i can be all.
so i can finally be all of me,
all at once.

dear lover boy,
        hello there. i hope you know how very much i love you. with all of my heart actually. you are wonderful and magical and mysterious. you make me smile every single day. and i just want you to know that you are very amazing, and that i love you.
                                                   - the girl who stole your heart

dear interesting man,
     hey. i have known you for a very long time. and you are closer to me than lots of other people in my life. i tell you just about everything that happens daily and i learn so much from your stories and your life. thank you, for being here in my life. i hope you never have to go away.
                                                              - the girl who is grateful for you

dear mad boy,
       umm, hello, i guess. things are weird, and not really fun. i made a big mistake, and showed you my feelings. my life. showed you myself... now you use it against me and i honestly hate that... please forget about me, to the best of your ability. i don't want to be important. i don't want to be anything more than an unfamiliar face.
                                                      - anonymous

dear working man,
      hello. you are so important in my life and as much as you may be away and work for me to be happy, i really just need you to smile. to stop by a game of mine, and wink as i finish. i really just need a tight hug from you maybe once a day, not even. but you are one of the reasons for all my growth and success. you help me so much, and you have helped me become who i am today. thank you, i love you very very much.
                                                         - the girl who grows from your existence

dear finally happy boy,
       hi. we haven't talked in ages, and i miss it a little. (even though i know you don't) i am glad to see you are happy. that's all i ever wanted for you. and i never meant to hurt you in any way. i'm sorry if i did. i'm happy to see you happy. i don't feel as guilty anymore, when i look into your eyes...
                                                         ­     - your friend (i hope)

dear old boy,
      hey. i miss you so so very much. i miss the late night conversations. long paragraphs. people's mistakes of what we are. i miss our jokes, our bond, our closeness. in the end i really just miss the silly person i am when i am with you. i can't tell if you miss me, but i hope you still remember what we used to be. because you will always be the bestest friend i ever had...
                                                          ­- the girl who misses you very much

dear smart man,
      hello. you are very intelligent and inspiring. i look up to you and wish to be like you one day. your brain has no limits and you are just amazingly calm. you are a huge part of my growing life right now, and i will remember you forever.
                                                  - the girl whom you affect greatly

dear sad boy,
       hi. you are broken. and i tried to fix you because i care about you very much. i tried to help you. i poured out my heart, and wiped away your tears, and made your long nights okay. but, boy, you no longer need me. and now you are just sad. and i never fixed you. this makes me very sad. i failed to fix you. so now, you are just sad.
                                                           - best friend (maybe...)

dear sweet boy,
      hello, darling. i love you. i just need you to know that. you are still small, and you are still learning so much everyday. as much as you try to understand me, i can guarantee you, you never will. i may not tell you i love you daily, or hug you close to me, or compliment your progress on your little life, but man do i love you, my sweet boy.
                                                                ­- the girl who will always love you

dear oldish man,
     hello. as much as i may grow, change, and drive away, i will always be that little girl you have always known. the one that used to sit upon your lap while learning to read, the one that soaked up all your endless information you read about our world, the one whose curls were just as crazy as her imagination. i will always be the little girl you have always known. and i love you so very much. so as you grow older, and i do too, i want you to remember that little girl and know that she is always inside of me.
                                               - the little girl at heart

you first spotted me up there on the shelf
shiny and new to your eyes.
you smiled at my glory
and took me carefully in your hands.
you brought me home with you
and on your face was the biggest smile that i thought the world had ever seen.
after a while,
you remembered i was only a toy.
you had me in your hand already
and you could do with me,
whatever your heart desired.
you made me feel special at first,
as if i was the only toy you had ever wanted,
as children do.
i smiled and felt so important,
until i was thrown into your toy box.
i looked around in disbelief,
tears in my eyes,
as other toys surrounded me.
in your heart, you felt just as much love for them,
as you did for me.
at some time or another,
the glow was no longer in your eyes when you looked at me.
i was *****,
i was old.
i fell deeper and deeper into your toy box,
until i hit the wood at the bottom.
these are the toys you no longer play with,
the ones you have forgotten.

I feel that I am in a hallway of locked doors.
In a cage with no key.
In the dark with sunglasses stuck over my eyes.
I feel that I am the only one.
That nobody will get it.
That it will always be the same.
I hope that they will get it someday.
That I will be able to see my dreams as the past.
That I can teach someone something they can use.
I think that it will get better sometime.
That I will get to where I want to be.
That I will get it someday.

although they seem fake,
i hold on to every last one
decoding your every move
trying to make it count
i live off your eyes
your smile
and rare wink
i soak it all up
trying to make it love
as i think harder and harder
reality laughs
oh my you stupid girl. this will never be love. you're just fooling yourself. wake up, of course he does not love you
and in that moment i realize he doesn't
rumors spread around
and i know i am one of the many
to be "loved" by you
you're great at pretending
you know, i might've actually cared there for a while

My legs shake
And I know they will come soon
I try to let it take me
But it will not without help which i do not give
It always will come to me
Eventually but never easily
It kills me
And other things overcome me
Making me useless
Terrified
Dejected
All of this slowly kills me
Until light shines through my window
And forces me to continue this game

i trust that you won't break me.
i trust that you won't lie.
i trust that you mean all your words.
and that you won't make me cry.

right here inside of me
i know that this trust is true
and i just want you to know
that i truly mean it when i say that i love you

i am overwhelmed
by how much i underestimated
it makes me feel badly
the way i thought before
i never knew this side of you

In my dreams
All grass is green
And all of the
Waters are crystal clear
The sky always filled
White clouds
I swear I could reach
Out and touch

In my life
The grass turns
Brown and green
Through the seasons
The water may be murky
But I can always see
The bottom
Rain may fall from the sky
Sometimes for a while
But after the blue sky returns
And if we're lucky enough
There appears a beautiful
Rainbow

Blue eye
Brown eye
Two eye
Clown eye

Pick and choose
Dump and lose

Cry to me
Cry to him
Cry to Lee
Cry to Jim

I don't care anymore.

My thoughts flow through my brain
And all of a sudden I'm mad
Your words are careless
And I know they're fake
I clench my fists
And I almost scream
My knuckles turn white
And then without thinking
I type
And type
And type some more
I finally press
enter

Your words touch my heart
Sending shivers down my spine
A smile pulls at the corner of my cheeks
And then I grin wide
And my face heats up and probably turns a light shade of red
I shiver and pull my knees tight to my chest
Wishing you were here

Words all around confuse me
They cry to me
But I don't know what's happening
I try to be there
But I just can't
I am so lost
So confused...

embarrassment sets in
as my foolish attempts at showing love
replay over and over
in my hopeless overthinking mind

all humans, i believe
are like rocks alongside the ocean
beautiful and strong
from a distance
but once you get up close
you see the barnacles that cover the surface,
the ants that crawl in the crevices,
and feel the smoothness,
caused by the ocean constantly crashing against it, over and over
until one day, the mighty boulder
that sits upon this large earth
is nothing but sand
at the bottom of the deep blue sea

nothing but a fairly tale.
i live through half my life in denial,
and the other half hopelessly dreaming.
half my life is this crystal clear reality,
hits me like a freight train,
every morning that i wake.
and the other floats above me,
like something that could be,
or should've been.
you were a fairytale,
you ran from my arms.
but it's alright darling,
i hear you laugh once in a while,
i see you smile.
i see you're doing well,
and that's all i want.
you're doing well,
without me.

my thoughts a little crazy,
my mind a little hazy.
my eyes tired,
my brain wired.
my smile bright,
my life just right.
for a moment, i don't worry.
i actually feel great.
but then my mind gets blurry,
again, i can't think straight.

you say it's so bad,
he teases me with a smile.
you get a little mad,
he stays for a while.

you beg and you cry,
he smirks with a wink.
you pretend and you lie,
he makes my cheeks pink.

you made me believe,
he loved me like crazy.
i think i should to leave,
this is becoming a bit hazy.

my minds all a blur,
extremely confused,
you go with her,
and my hearts a bit bruised
but i need you to leave,
i need to believe,
there is something more than hopeless love,
i want something new, kind of.

a lot of times,
i wish i didn't care.
like the rest of them.
living there lives selfishly and easy.
why can't i just be selfish for once.
i care too much.
it almost hurts.

our eyes meet, for just one second,
and i turn away quickly.
maybe too quickly...
all of a sudden i miss his eyes.

i try not to smile,
in case he's still looking.
but then my face warms up
and i know that i am blushing.
my heart pounds in my chest
and i can't hold in my smile anymore
my lips spread into a grin
and i shake my head.
then all i can think is,
wow, how does he do that?

that "goodnight",
felt a bit like our goodbye.

His words almost hurt
But I think of your words
And your smile
Your laugh
Your eyes
I brush his harsh words off
And yours patch up all the mess

I'm starting to feel like it's one sided.
Like it's all just a game.
I'm starting to feel like we're acting.
In a show called disappointment.

sometimes we get angry
at the places we can't go,
and the people we can't see,
and the songs we don't hear.
but it isn't the place's
or the people's
or the song's fault.
it is simply our own.

we're all just waiting here on Earth.
we spend so much time waiting.
waiting to live,
that we waste our chance to live,
on just waiting to die.

two shaking hands
rip my heart in two
stabbing it violently
making me cry
making me hurt
i look to see who these hands belong to
only to realize
they are my own two shaking hands
and that i am breaking my own heart

Tears drip slowly down my face
I don't wipe them away
Or ask them to leave
My face hot
I stare ahead
Wondering how this happened
Thoughts wild in my brain
Make me wish and wish that I could escape

You are asleep,
Your aching bones at rest
Your mind blank
Your words silent

I am wide awake
My aching bones still move
My mind gone wild
My words flowing onto this page

I cry, I scream, I call for you

You are asleep

again it kills me
but inside i know
i can't do anything about who i have become
i have to live with this all

live with the short glances
silence
guilt

all i can do is live though
at least i have you
to help me forget

As I read through these poems
I wonder and ask myself
How these beautiful words
Have gone so long with no recognition
Of ever existing together
As one

Words crawl in my head
My brain puzzled
By the meanings of these words
My heart breaks
But I realize it's only my own words breaking it
Words in my head start to spill from my mouth
I try to stop them
Covering my mouth with my shaking hands
They continue to spill
Hurting the people around me
Tears spill from my eyes
I wipe them away but more fall
I am a mess
I can't control my brain
I can't control my heart
I grasp for an explanation
My heart laughs
Telling me I'll never figure him out
My own controlled thoughts slip from my mind
Foreign ones fill my mind
And I don't even know how they got there
They scratch and scrape
My heart close to exploding
My steady breathing is all that is keeping me sane
I wish I could escape
Escape my own screaming head

Words swimming in my head
As you ask to talk
I feel the tears about to spill
But bite my cheek
It's silent between us
Awkward
Foreign
My brain reaches for words
All you can say is sorry
But I've heard it before
And I you're not
But yet I always believe you are
Which leads me here
Once again
Speechless

The slightest brush of your arm
Sends goosebumps up my spine
The hairs on my neck stand up
As you speak, I try to forget
Everything from previous time
But it all comes rushing back
Drowning your words
With my thoughts
I try to listen to your voice
But my own screaming in my head
I want to pull out my hair
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I am silent
Until I release my thoughts
Onto this very page

I'm confident
I'm proud
I'm determined
I'm happy
I'm passionate

But I just can't bring myself to do it...

it puzzles me the way he can continue
it only takes him a moment
before he is back to himself
makes me sad
i know he needs more than this
i try not to picture it all
it hurts
can't even imagine how much he is hurting

it's amazing how one's words can add up
the feeling so great
almost magical.
you reread all of them
over and over
soaking up every last feeling
and finally when i cant stop the smile on my lips
i am left grinning at your words
heart full
mind lost
just happy

it all kind of hurt
but it wasn't the way he swore to me
or the way he was angered by my words
or the fact that he cried
but the way he hurt him
the words he said to make him yell
the actions that made him retaliate
the threats that made his face fall
that is what hurt most
that's what sent tightness to my heart
that's what made me cringe
and that's the closest a tear has come to spilling over on my cheeks
i will never let it, spill over
show how i feel
but it was close
you should just know that part
it hurt me to know i hurt you
and nothing has ever hurt so bad

Your body positioned as far away as possible
Making me feel like a disease
Making me feel like a monster
Maybe it's better this way though
You hate me...
And I guess now I'm ok with that
I can't feel bad forever...
I'm just hurting myself that way

as we finally lock hands
your warmth surprises me
your soft words comfort me
and i smile
my insides flutter
and a wonderful feeling overcomes me
as we slowly drive
i know it is time to say goodbye
our hands unlock
i grab again for one last touch
and then you're gone
i am left with nothing but a large smile
and the warmth left on my fingers

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
Although that doesn't bother me
I'm still afraid that I'll mess it all up

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
I create moments in my brain
Making them perfect and sweet

It still remains a mystery in my head
But I know it's not in yours
That's ok though
Because I wouldn't want to mess it up
With anyone else but you

It is not your words that leave me feeling so empty,
It is you absence of words
That makes me feel completely and utterly futile