I scream
A loud and awful noise
I feel the anger
Starting at my toes
Making it's way up to my fists
That I pound you with
Hitting you with everything I have
Tears falling from my eyes
She screams too
Grabbing my shirt
Almost ripping it from my back
A brilliant red
Falls from your face
And the anger drains from me
Until I feel you have finally payed
You are the only one who knows why I do this
Most I assume shocked by this action
Little do they know the story behind my rage
With my fists stained red
And sweat running down my forehead
I retreat, and look into your eyes
Until I see the amount of pain I have caused you
And hit you once more
Harder than before
Between your swollen eyes
Because that's how much it hurt
How much you hurt

stuck in the past,
i worry and worry
as my future comes nearer,
and then becomes my past.
it all haunts me,
eats away at my heart,
overcomes my already nasty thoughts.
all around me believe that they know
but what they aren't aware of
is that i'll never tell it all,
in fear of letting it out,
using the words,
and letting tears fall from my eyes.
while keeping it in,
continues to break me,
letting it out would expose me,
**** him,
and shock them all.
i have built up enough walls
to keep him out
at the moment i don't need to stab him
with blades of his wrongs
and remind him of how he broke my trust, and  my soul corrupted my formally sweet dreams.
now as i lay attempting to sleep,
i have to wrap my arms around me tightly, touching my own skin, only to remind myself that i can't be hurt like that again.
so if you wonder why,
think back on late nights and one sided conversations and surely you will remember all the hell you caused.

Dear Reality,
   You know, you can be a real **** sometimes. You stick out your hand to help me up just to push me back down and laugh.  I wasn't aware of you when I was 5 and I could disappear in my own little world with my crazy blonde curls, dolls, and imaginary husband (who I insisted eat at the dinner table.)  But then one day you slapped me in the face and put my life into my two small hands and told me to make it good. You showed me rejection, hate, guilt and how it felt for people to hate me just because. You told me that when I held my head high I would feel good, but then someone told me to duck.  But when I felt like the world was crashing down around me and I was a tiny microscopical dot on the earth and my life was falling apart while still in my hands and my tears like a river of emotions flowing into oceans of regret and guilt, you made the rivers evaporate into clouds of "get over it."  And I know it will rain, and puddles will form in holes left irreplaceable but I will remember to wear rain boots.  I can't hide in blankets of excuses.  It will not stop raining but you taught me to bring an umbrella. When life turns into a big wave, I'll grab a surfboard.  Or when life throws me on a roller coaster, I'll grab a car and buckle up, but I won't close my eyes because I might miss something.  And when I finally realize that the big scary world, doesn't have to be so scary, I will thank you reality.

this isn't something that has snuck up behind me
it hasn't been in the back of my mind
or hiding in my shadow
instead it all of a sudden just hit me
and it hit me hard
the sudden realization that you were gone
and although you may have teased me
and taken my things
and laughed at my mistakes
i will miss you
i will miss the simplicity of your words
the interesting array of facts
the early morning conversations about life itself
as i say goodbye
and look in your eyes one last time
something tightens in my heart
and i bite my cheek and study you one last time
the way you walk, your head high
your strong body, moving among the crowd
the curl of your hair, crazy and untamed
but in all of it, it is your presence i will miss
i regret not realizing this sooner
and all i have left is the memory of your last head nod in my direction
your dark eyes, and small smile
the last wave of your hand
before you turned and disappeared

it's not hard to say that breaking a heart,
is easier than having yours broken.
but to rebreak a heart,
over and over,
takes a lot

Unhappiness washes over me,
in a terrible wave of overwhelming agony
I can see it
Even taste it
Hear it in the toneless voices spoken
Smell it on the clothing worn by the undetected broken ones  
I feel alone in knowing this
Our whole life you have built for us
Is slowly crumbling into rubble dusted with regret,
strewn among a barren land of twisted memories
Our story is coming to an end
Yet some of us try to hold on
Grasp on to every last bit of positive feeling
that is given by the words off her lips
Hugging tighter
Looking to gain a trusty allie
But before we end
We must realize that
Wherever our story may finish
We will start new ones
And build two shining cities
Among the rubble
Where happiness can be spotted between them
Even though, they no longer are identified as one

i don't think i have ever said sorry,
or looked at him since then.
it remains a secret to the world,
i forget sometimes too.
until his face appears,
or hers.
and something in my heart hurts,
so much that i swallow my words
and look away.
nobody can understand what it was.
dumb love, people say
among teenagers.
but dumb love doesn't last years,
but can be counted in days.
my heart still hurts

i almost half hope to be back in that place
where it was all normal
it felt okay
the stares weren't awkward
and conversations were long
i still see you like that,
even though i know i have to stop
it was important
and everything we had was meaningful
well you live and you learn i guess
that includes all of the missing
and wishing
and hoping for something else
the thing with life is that it has no rewind button
no retry
you don't get a second chance
so you become familiar
with the regret
the constant wishing and hoping
unfortunately

yes i've lost your love
and i've lost your feelings
but that's not why tears roll slowly
soaking my pillow
it's so simply and unsimply because i have lost my very best friend

i've been desperately trying to find
a piece of you,
in everything i have left.
in the inhalation of salty air,
behind a camera lens,
through someone else's eyes.
you're missing in my heart,
and don't want to be found.

There are secrets we whisper
Secrets that slip
Secrets that ruin
Secrets that are hidden
But they don't have to be secret
If we can tell ourselves when
We wake up and go to bed
That they are still true
It becomes fact
Not secret

i'm not exactly sure why i hide certain parts of myself from some people.
i guess i'm just giving myself a secret to keep.
it keeps me sane,
and makes me feel like i still know something about myself
that the world doesn't have to.
they always figure it out though...

You and I function like a seesaw
on a children's playground.

When I am on top of the world,
you are at your lowest point.
Crying and sputtering words.
Hope and desperation etched in your voice,
like the initialed heart carvings on the swing sets nearby.

And when I hit my low,
alone in my room feeling nothing but sorry for myself,
you rest.
Happy that I too,
fall down sometimes.

The balance is what I yearn for.
I so badly wish that we could sit with our legs
just barely brushing the wood chips below.

When level,
we could both disembark from this see saw
and embrace to look for somewhere else to be.
The swings, perhaps.

When you really observe
It's almost a shock
You gasp, and can't stop looking
Looking for explanations
Looking for anything
To help you erase it from your mind

every love song that sounds,
every wedding bell that rings,
every break up,
every tear.
brings us all back.
we sit in silence at dinner,
for i accidentally reminded us all seconds ago with a single word.
she smiles, putting on that face,
for that little boy seated across from me.
we look at him hopefully,
"i gotta ***"
he says,
ungracefully breaking the delicate silence.
he leaves us biting our cheeks,
smiling small,
thinking big.
it's right here,
growing stale once again,
filling up the air.
causing us to inhale the secrets,
we've tried to let go of.
they're clogging up our systems,
drowning us in ourselves,
once again...

Some days I curse his name until I rest
And others I call him in the middle of the day so he doesn’t take his life
He is hurting
Deep down he really is
His heart breaks
But it’s his hands that shatter it
So he is silenced

I try not to think about him
For I begin to feel guilty
Guilty for being the reason he needs help
Guilty for staying true to myself
Guilty for not being who he wants me to be

And then I begin to feel angry
Angry that he tore apart my life
Angry that he acts like he didn’t
Angry that he is everything a father should not be

Yet I am silenced too

For he is broken
Sleeping and dreaming of a life
A life he didn’t ruin

He keeps guns close
So I must keep him close enough

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

you did that to me once
not so long ago

stated you would not speak
i rolled my eyes and stared a you
a small smile creeped upon your lips
and you slowly turned your head
"please! please! please!"
i cried again and again
you shook your head, refusing once more
you turn your head away,
shifting your body
"no, no, no"
i plead,
wrapping my arms around your chest
you shake your head once more

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

there is this girl that you may know
you see her in the hall,
on the field
and at the mall.
you see her smiling
but never crying
for she doesn't let tears slip,
and you never hear her sighing.
most people think she's crazy,
a few call her a friend
she's seems loud and angry
but she'll stick with you 'til the end.
she has this amazing guy in her life,
he's handsome and so sweet
she feel's incredibly lucky,
and without him she'd feel incomplete
this girl i write about is me
and all of this is true.
my life is fairly simple,
and i truly do love you.

the simplicity of your words
make me smile
nothing extra to emphasize,
but plain words from your fingers,
straight to my heart

stuck between
what i want,
what was,
and what is,
i'm in a constant state of hopeless wondering.
this wondering makes my dreams go  crazy.
reality and the pictures that linger in my mind at night,
intertwine like a schoolgirl's braids.
i twirl my locks around my finger,
until i fall into a black pit of darkness,
that lets the thinking stop.
for hours,
i don't have to worry,
i don't have to cry,
i don't even have to think,
i can just be.
and, i lay there being,
for hours at night,
until daylight puts up "wanted" signs,
and drags me out of my happiness,
plopping me into reality,
with a thud.

as i turn the corner,
i draw in a deep breath.
it smells like something good will happen.
the way the light hits the floor,
and the emptiness of the quiet hall.
something good is coming.

Soon I hope to be
Where I wish to be

Maybe that is
In a mountain house
With wool socks
And hot cocoa

Maybe that is
In the busiest street
In New York City
Desperately waving for
A taxi

Maybe that is
In an old farm house
With a barn next to it
Waking up to feed the pigs
At 5 o'clock sharp

Maybe that is
On a plane going
Somewhere with a
Cell phone glued to my ear

Maybe that is hiking
In on a trail
Leading to a special
Place in a small
Village

Maybe that is
Eating the
World's Best Cheese
Somewhere in France

Maybe that is
In a place I do not
Know of
With a person I do not
Know of

But maybe
I will be there
Soon

words make me smile
and the blue is overwhelming
memories stream back in
and i know this is for the best
at least i now feel better
i missed these words
and although they are not the same
you still make me feel the blue
and i know i may never see the red of your kitchen
or feel the red softness of your sweatshirt
or notice the way you smell early in the morning
at least i can still think about you
know that i once called you my own
have the memories
and at least you know
how i feel
even though i know you don't feel the same at all

all of a sudden you are a stranger
my dreams
get lost
in my constant attempt to resist my impulses
although you disappear from my thoughts briefly as i run and laugh
you remain in my dreams
the ones that cause me to wake up with hope
hope that one day
you'll love me as much as i love you

my stomach does backflips,
but it isn't butterflies.
i cringe as he continues.
i wish he would stop talking,
then i could think straight.
get his face out of my mind.

i hide it away
even scared myself
i jump as he grabs me
i pull myself in tighter
curling into a ball
the world cannot hurt me here
they can't even see me

We are free
We love those around us
We don't have a care in the world
We dream and smile
We are free

i'm ok
when the sun fills the sky.
i can think clearly,
and laugh.
but as soon as it fades over the horizon
my mind slips away.
i can't process,
and my body gets hot.
what if this,
what if that.
oh darling sun,
please stay.

Withering away fast
I try to grasp it in my hand
And beg for it to stay
I call out it's name
But it is long on it's way
On the trip to Monday
I look for it still
As the Monday sun
Rises and sneers at me
I squint in it's brilliance
To find Sunday
Who is long gone

filled with fury,
i sit.
what to do, what to do.
i want to wake with the sun,
spend a day living like i've always wanted.
climb a mountain so high,
i get a little dizzy at the top.
walk for so long,
my legs ache.
smile so much,
my cheeks burn.
laugh so much,
it's hard to breathe.
and then when the day is done,
i will retire with with the sun,
once and for all,
as it slips below the horizon.

he surprises me with certain words,
that make my stomach fill with butterflies.
he makes me smile ear to ear.
his soft words, like sweet sugar,
brightening my untrusting heart.

i am safe
for i am with myself
none to see me
touch me
read me
i fall
asleep under the stars
almost wishing for less
maybe
it would be easier
to only depend on one
goodnight's for special use
hello's for a smile
i love you's for a reminder
i am lost
lost at sea, if you will
the sharks stay surrounding me
and i can always see a small sliver of land
but i know somehow
i will never wash up along the beach
because i am lost
not to be found
or saved
just lost

no tears slip down my cheeks
but i'm not really sure how
maybe my heart is cold
frozen over and mean
i admit i can feel them collecting
but never spilling over the sides
i have kept it all in
controlled it
even through all of this
at least i'm not a bawling wreck
getting a little better at this...

come here darling
i'll wipe your fallen tears
i'll hug you tight enough that your pieces fit back together
i never knew you were broken

as much as i try to brush it off
fake it
and tell them its ok
i now know how much it hurts
and it makes me even sorrier
i shouldn't have done it
that doesn't make it hurt less though
the wounds in my heart sting
like salt on a cut
fire surges through my bones
growing and growing
and warm tears sit wet on my skin
i don't show them to the others
and as i do show myself there is no evidence.
i am strong,
i am happy,
i am finally free...

my unimportance to you
only makes me crave it more
and i soak up those long responses
and the smallest things can make my cheeks rosy.
i sometimes like the way you don't seem to care
and the constant need for more.
makes me appreciate the special moments more.
at the end of this i am realizing
you probably make all of them feel like this
nobody is special in your world.
but you have this certain way.
you can make one feel incredible.
you build them up with your sweet comments,
your short stares.
but as secrets spill,
and your ways become revealed.
my walls come crashing down,
yet i still long for those things.
cheeks rosy, and heart fluttering,
i wonder how you do it

I never thought
That one person
Could be so many things

That one person
Could fulfill so many positions

That one person
Who is my best friend
The one who I tell all my secrets to
The one who laughs at all my jokes

And that one person
Is my other half
The one who completes me
The one who loves me with all their heart

That one person
Is also be my protector
The one who would jump in front of a bullet
The one who hugs me when everything goes wrong

And that one person
Is my lover
The one who makes my heart melt
The one whose touch makes me shiver

I never knew
That, that one person
Would be you
But as I think about it
I am so very happy that it is

i breath in
and open my eyes
another orange day it'll be
the lines are too straight
the walls too *****
air too hot
surface too cold
all adds up to the orange that crawls beneath my skin
blue finally comes
at the sound of laughter
so rich and full
goldfish and m&m;'s
scattered among the table
hands warm on my knee
i shudder as the orange comes again
the lines too straight
i smell the hot air and the walls are too *****
chair cold as i sit
orange, orange, orange

light blue stretches in my mind
the houses dark
almost empty looking
the air cold
and my muscles too tight
a slight pain in my heart
and my head full with regret
orange streams back in as i step into the house
the smell of a sweat and stale cheerios fills my nose
a deep red soaks into my brain as I reach the top of the stairs
the dark room and couch all add with
the warm air, and smell of chili powder to sum it up
i will fall asleep again with orange
green text bubbles and repetition of my lock screen
x-small shirt and ***** carpet
leaves me once again with orange
orange, orange, orange
i get discouraged as my days end like this
where is the blue
the brightness that excites me
and shows in my eyes
but all i get, night after night
orange, orange, orange

i try to imagine you there
knees barely fitting under the desk
hair in a mess of curls
assortment of writing utensils in your right pocket
phone in the other
full smile
shining eyes
but i am then absorbed by reality
and all that is left is an empty desk

you swim in my thoughts
and even after weeks
i can't stop thinking
did i say the wrong things,
did i love you too much,
did i not love you enough?
i guess i will never know,
because you never answered my hello
but my stubborn heart still loves you with all it has
maybe this was your plan,
to love me,
to lie,
to break me,
to tease me,
and then when i had nothing left,
take one last hit,
to destroy me

i'm always waiting for something,
waiting for the next thing,
or the next big moment.
and the space in between,
all of these "glorious" moments,
is waiting.
i don't cherish waking up in the morning,
or hugging my brother.
i don't pay attention to late night walks,
or kissing my old black lab.
my head is just thinking ahead,
waiting for something incredible to happen,
except one day,
i'll look back,
at the times that don't feel so important now,
and want a regular moment back,
more than anything.
i won't wish to go back to my 9th birthday,
or my first concert.
i'll wish to wake up young,
and hug my brother again.
all this space in-between the best moments,
is full of waiting,
when it should be full of more moments.
maybe not glorious,
and incredible.
but moments nonetheless.

As I look around me,
everything is you.

The childish paintings on my wall,
and half of the t-shirts in my drawer.
One of the pillows on my bed,
and the bracelet on my wrist.
The gifts I got you for our anniversary,
never to be opened or cherished by you.
Your birthday in my calendar,
and your words in my head.
Every **** picture and video on my camera roll,
and even my underwear,
whose patterns match those of yours.

I'm surrounded by you still,
and it makes this utterly impossible.

it feels all wrong
but all right at the same time
it kills me though
and i almost want to cry
it's all my fault
but you know it's true
and you know i'm right
and that's what hurts the most...

true love,
is supposed to last.

he said that he did not love her.
but i know that he does.

that's why we ran back so quickly,
although i walked slowly behind the others.

his lies don't fool me,
i know about her.

he must think i am clueless,
for he still believes i'm okay.

i wonder if he believes i will enter his new life.
i won't even look into his face.

this smile i have could fool the world,
and i'm glad it fools him too.

for without it,
he would be too ashamed to stay in this house.

homes are for people who love,
houses are for ones who pretend they're okay.

my family lives in a house,
that will never be a home.

people who really love,
do not turn away.

they think,
before being overcome.

i may have popped into his head,
while he "shopped"

but only for a second,
until he chose what was most important.

himself.