i fall into nightmares,
only to be abruptly pulled from them
into a wave of crazy love
where your arms are around me,
and you whisper soft words into my ear
making me smile insanely.

i feel like i have let you in.
i haven't used specific words,
but i can just feel you,
in my brain,
like someone else,
knows the secrets that live in my head.

i have let myself trust you
and i don't believe that this is a mistake,
i believe your sweet words,
and cherish every grin off your lips
and i truly think that your love is true.

i have given you this power,
the kind of power to destroy me.
but there is no turning back,
because i'm truly head over heels,
crazy about you

this is a textbook moment
ask the question or you'll regret it
i never realized how hard this could be
for it all to be gone in a second

i couldn't even reach it if i ran
i'm utterly helpless
all i can do is beg
my hands shake

i am quickly reassured
but how do you know it's true?
why would i say those words,
to such a fragile soul?
think, you idiot

i can't take them back so
i must explain.
i trip over my words like a nervous child
but it works

i finally hang up the phone
and realize i've been holding my breath for an hour
i exhale and return

"there's only one cure for your wounds"
he says with a wink
my throat burns but i smile
it's okay

i fixed you
patched you with everything i had
even if that meant pouring out my heart into your hands
you have it now
do you feel better?

Maybe and possibly
I was completely delusional
Believing in you
Believing you could help me forget the past
Believing you could help me build a future
Just believing you would treat me right
Yes
Definitely delusional
Now, stuck in a sticky web
Of my own heartbreaking thoughts
I wait for you to realize you don't love me
No one can unweave this tangled web that's slowly suffocating me
Killing me
Especially you
You pull it tighter around my neck
Each and every night
Waiting

when waiting,
don't you have to be sure that there is something to wait for?
what if you are stuck waiting for a train that never comes,
or a dream that will never come true,
or a lover that will never love you?
would you still wait?
would you waste your time?
because i can say,
that i would not.
hop on a plane,
dream bigger,
and find somebody that loves you back.
don't be stuck waiting,
because as you look back,
you don't want to realize
that you spent one hundred percent of your life waiting,
and no time really living

my dreams,
are my thoughts.
just simplified into one picture.
although i use the word "simplified"
they are not what a person would call simple.
everything from broken hearts,
to endless tears,
to homeless children,
to hovercrafts that fill the blue sky.
secretly hurting?
feeling lucky?
futuristic?
i'm not always sure what they tell me,
but they do help me organize my thoughts,
so in the end,
i thank my dreams.
they tell me things that i could not begin,
to explain myself

i get stuck between the moments i lay sleeping
and moments when i'm half awake.
in these suddenly often occurring
i wonder how much of it is real
and then i wonder how much of it i see only in my imagination.
these moments confuse me,
startle my brain,
make me wake up
to wonder how long until the two will be the same
and my dreams will just be horrifying reminders
of my past

Some of our
biggest dreams
are the ones
we fear most.
And we sometimes
convince ourselves
they'll never come true.

moments of complete and utter hopelessness
make me feel as though i'm drowning.
completely submerged under life's raging sea.
i gulp for a breath,
one single moment of pure clarity
before being pushed down by reality's strong hands.
harsh, bitter cold life splashes over my face,
and sends me sinking slowly to the bottom.

His love like a drug
The more i try to resist
The more and more
I think about it
Long for it
And go out of my way to get it

when you seem uninterested,
tired, bored and mad,
i wish i could make you understand
so i wouldn't be so extremely sad.

i trust that you mean what you say
and that you care about me
but i can't help but notice
that you don't text first or talk 'til three.

i miss who we used to be,
but i love that you speak sweetly now,
and every so often hug me tight,
just know that i really love you so

happy.

we live our whole lives in the hopes of a life filled with happiness.
sometimes, we do things to make one another happy.
sacrifice our own for another's happiness.
but as soon, as our own happiness,
gets eaten up by the endless hope of others to feel untroubled
it becomes a bit harder to be happy ourselves.
spending days and days on end,
years and years making the ones around you happy
you start to dislike yourself.
when you change, and pull yourself apart,
being who they want you to be,
when they want you to be it,
you lose yourself.
when you can't even look in the mirror,
and smile at your reflection.
when you can't even speak to somebody,
without changing what you really think.
when you can't even live how you want to,
just to make somebody else happy,
you are unhappy.

April, 9th, 2013
My world seemed to piece itself together in my young mind. It was all seemingly perfect.
October, 30th, 2014
It hit me like a freight train. Ripped me apart. Changed me forever
November, 5th, 2014
The deal was done, and all was broken. New thoughts engraved in my brain. Steering me down the wrong path. Making me feel like life couldn't be worse.
November, 6th, 2014
I am sick to my stomach. My own actions make me cringe. How could I be so cruel?
December, 1st, 2014
My heart was taped together again, and the feeling of "happiness" tricked my brain. I am okay I always thought. This is forever
March, 7th, 2015
My world seemed to fall down around me. My walls crumbling, all "safety" I had built around to protect me had crumbled into nothing but lost hope scattered in a glittery dust around my feet. My mother caught my tears in her hands and drying them with all she had. Words of wisdom from her lips soothe my ears temporarily and she helps me change the orange to blue.
March, 10th, 2015
As the tears became less, the reality grew. The colors more clear to me, and the path i must take more apparent. She again guided me, and hugged me tight. I learned she would be the one to stand by my side when all the others ran away. She would never leave me behind, break my heart, or manipulate me. She was truly the only one that wouldn't let me down.
March, 11th, 2015
I start to see blue among the words at my lunch table. In the hope in my eyes. Finally in the smiles reflected in the mirror. It starts to show a little more and more. The yellow streaked in the melting snow. In the music that plays through my ear buds. In the late night drives. "It gets a little better everyday" she says and I believe it. A little better today, even better the next day and next month at this time everything will be just fine.

love is letting your 100 lb dog sleep at the foot of the bed
and leaving the peanut butter unopened so they can have the first smell.
love is writing notes in lunch boxes,
and waiting up for them to come home.
love is breakfast in bed,
and long hugs.
love is pennies in jars,
and wiping the slobber from an old pup's lips.
love isn't what you see in the movies.
love isn't flawless and "hurt-free".
love is real.
love is the little things.

pretending day after day
that your nonexistent words didn't  hurt me
hurt a hell of a lot more
than creating messages
to finally guide you
to an ending

sometimes it hurts so much more
to see somebody else hurting.
their tears, send knives into your heart.
their small remarks, making you cringe.
their regrets, send guilt through your blood.
what makes you hurt the most though,
is to realize they play this game for you.
they continue for you.
push on through hate and unhappiness,
all for you to be happy.

as i fall further in further
"in love"
you pull further and further away
making my landing less than pleasant

My pillow used as a shield
Blocking out light and sound
My shield scares me too though
Blocking the light from my eyes
As I hear the wind
I throw my shield to the ground
Gulp for air and open my eyes
To the light
Which reveals nothing but
Stained carpet and a snoring
Golden retriever
My blanket like cage
Locking me in for nothing
To get through
I lock it, throwing it over me
But it keeps in the heat
Making my legs shake
I unlock it, throwing to the ground
Along with my sheild
The chilled air sweeps over my legs
I breath slowly
My bed like a boat
So I can't reach the ground
I sink into it
Until it creaks
I jump overboard
My heart racing
The relief is chilly in my bones
I startle the cat lying on the chair
My furniture like a set
I star in a play
My carpet my stage
I step back into a curtain
Which shadow reflects on the wall  as
A wave swallowing my body
I get on my boat
Listening to my heart pound
I finally close  my eyes
With the hope  of sweet dreams

i lay here
with a stupid grin on my face,
wondering if you feel the words that he sings.
i hope almost too much that you do.
why does it always end this way?

I feel like an event
Waiting to be squeezed
Into your calendar

I feel like an afterthought
Waving my arms in front of your face
Vigorously until you remember I'm there

I feel like a cushion
That you fall back on
When someone pushes you down

I feel like a flamingo
In your flock of seagulls
Different  and laughed at

I don't want to feel like an
Event or an afterthought
I don't want to feel like a
Cushion or a flamingo

And I'm not going to be
Those things for you anymore

feelings change so rapidly
that one moment
everything he does kills me
and i choke on my tears
and the next
i am shouting my insane love for him to the world
and sending hearts 'til my fingers bleed

my thoughts swim
in a sea of rhymes,
an ocean full of vocabulary,
puddles full of beautiful language.
it builds and builds.
pictures, stories, memories, hopes, wishes, dreams,
dance in my head for days,
until i can formulate the right string of words,
to put it all together.

silence rings between us
but it isn't the bad kind of awkward silence.
i laugh a little
and my cheeks turn pink
"what?" he says, a smile spreading across his lips
"nothing, just happy" i say grabbing his arm
as i float through today
unable to stop grinning
i am amazed that although one person can make you so utterly unhappy
a different person can make you feel so amazingly blissful

I suddenly know why I loved you
The way you smell when you wake up
And your crooked smile
How you're painfully honest
And a bit awkward at times
Realizing these little things
Scares me that I'm falling again
But I then realize I just miss you
Who we were before "love"
And the time when a crush was a crush
I just wish you didn't still look so broken
I wish I didn't hurt you
You would've saved me from hell I endured in the future
You were right
I didn't see it
With love and pain
In your eyes
We pretend to forget
And remain as friends
But I know we both remember
The difference is I don't want to go back to "loving"
And sadly you may

describing the person inside me:
quite pessimistic
unthinkably thought filled
insanely aware
somewhat crazy
with the mind of a poet.

as laughable and cliché as these may all sound on a poetry website.
they're all true but i have things in my simple life,
that me less of these things.

there is this boy,
who makes me a bit more optimistic,
who makes my orange days,
a bright blue
and whose grin can make me blush like crazy.
who can make me laugh,
in the midst of tears,
and help me to trust another,
when all feelings of trust are lost.
a boy who makes me feel like i could sing
who can make me grin like an idiot,
and believe that i have done something right finally
when i look into his eyes.

this boy also is the cause for some of my crazy thoughts,
but when i voice them he will laugh,
or inform me that "i am not crazy"
he sympathizes at rough times,
and lets me speak freely,
ignoring the fact that i may blow his ear drums,
and stumble over every other word when i get too excited.
he allows me to be mad when i am mad,
and waits for me to be happy
(maybe a break from rants is nice)
but this boy,
truly helps control my thoughts,
that bubble inside me as long days pass.

he also gives me a feeling of safety,
where even just knowing that he is within distance,
distance where i could run to him,
or yell his name,
relieves my stress filled thoughts immensely.
and when he speaks soft words of
it'll be fine or the soft chuckle of reassurance
it makes my cold frightened blood,
warm where it can flow again,
and pump to my heart,
so i can remind him at these moments
that i do indeed love him.

he allows me to be my somewhat ******,
crazy,
nutso self.
and with a comment or not
there is always a small grin.
but when i am a little crazy,
whether it's explaining my funky dreams
or laughing so hard that i spit out my water,
he still looks at me with that grin,
that makes me feel
a little less...
well, crazy

and sometimes when i feel all of these things at once,
the kind of feeling where your heart is racing,
and your cheeks are rosy,
and your laughing insanely,
and smiling like an idiot,
and falling hard for this certain special boy,
i can't even write,
but sometimes that's quite alright

it is oddly empty.
a large pocket
with nothing but broken memories laying inside.
a strong smell that lingers
makes something in my heart tingle
and guilt makes it's way to my head
where i am left laying thinking for hours
trying to fix what will always be broken
it's too late now
"just focus on the happy things" he says
and as always he is right
so my mind wanders to you
and happy at last, i may rest
until light of tomorrow's struggle will awake me

your soft words entrance me
pulling me into your presence
making me wish things of you

your sweet smile captures me
bursting the lock to my heart
capturing it for yourself to keep

your sparkling eyes control me
forcing me to look deeply into them
leading me to your heart

and there i steal your heart
capturing it for myself to keep
i promise you some things though...

i will keep it safe and happy
i won't break or tear it
i will hold and love it
i won't hurt or lose it
i will keep it forever and ever darling

i guess friends to me
are the people i trust enough
to not ask me who i really am

i forget about all prior worry
as your eyes scan over me
i look to make them meet with mine
only to witness you turning away
but what scares me
is that in that particular moment
the fact that you ignored my existence didn't even matter
just your presence and being was enough to fulfill my want for your attention
although not given,
two short hugs and a quiet whisper that you love me stays in my mind for hours after you leave
filling a space in my heart
but only partly
which is why i write this
it fills my other parts,
as dreams also do
i fantasize in my head
giving you credit for words you don't say
and kisses you don't give
i feel as if you are miserable
but too **** afraid to say so

he stared in my eyes
and sweared to god he loved me
well bud, looks like somebody is headed to hell
those lies are harsh.
they hurt a whole lot
but ****, look what i've gained
truth
and nothing is more powerful.
i have secrets that you don't want out
so erasing you from my life was easy
my thoughts... not so much
because my dreams run wild
and punches are thrown
sending you crashing to your knees
dignity and all
too bad they are only silly dreams
where i am stronger and more powerful
in this life, i steer clear from your body
in fear of your power
you don't play mind games though,
i do,
you're just too stupid to realize it
so i take your brain
make you feel awful
so then i can feel better
knowing you feel half as bad as i did
hurting you all the way would be cruel,
i can't ruin you
i'm not that evil,
even though i know you are, were and always will be

he makes you feel special,
like you are the only one,
until you realize,
that it was the biggest lie.

he promises to heal,
he promises to patch up all your wounds,
he promises to pick you back up,
and cradle you in his loving arms.

then,
he is gone.
a distant memory,
an old friend.

so what to do? what to do?
cry yourself to sleep,
smash a plate onto the ground.
pretend that you don't care.

your mind says,
leave him
block him out
forget

you convince yourself finally,
that you don't need him,
that you are okay on your own,
that he meant nothing.

and he's back,
wrapping his arms around you,
promising, promising, promising
and you believe every word

and when he leaves again,
leaving you crying,
****** knees,
and an aching heart.

call yourself a fool,
cry for a moment,
and get back up,
all on your own.

be stronger than the person he made you,
show him that things will indeed be okay without him.
you are tough.
you are strong.

I don't understand
The fire inside me gone
The feeling that rang through me vanished
The voice that whispered my name silenced
There was no evidence it was there
And no reason why it left
My brain overfilled and confused
I rest my head once again
For a night filled with thoughts
And no sleep
I feel the silence in my words
The hopelessness of my plea
And I know you cannot help me know
For you have rested your head
Not to be disturbed until morning
Where you will receive my plea
And answer with all you have
Only to realize you are too late

If you like me
If you hate me
If you love me
If you can’t stand me
If you fear me
If you don’t care about me
Good
No matter what you think, I’m not changing
So that’s your problem
Don't talk behind my back,
But if you think my life is so much
More interesting  than yours than go ahead
And think what you want
Because I won't change how I am,
Just because you asked me to

i don't write happy much
but sweet tunes cure my constant aching for the night.
his wonderful voice,
radiates from his mouth,
like honey.
the sweet songs filling me to the top
and i can't help but smile.
a big, big smile that hurts now,
while i lay here in bed.
but it takes the pain from my heart -
it's a good kind of hurt

Guilt crawls under my skin
And bites at my toes
It pulls at my hair
And tickles my nose
It all builds inside
No matter how hard I try
I need to let it go
But I can't seem to cry
So it builds and builds inside me
Making me feel trapped
I guess this is just how it will be

i'm happy
i promise
look at this smile on my face
i can laugh and run and smile
without your face appearing in my head
but at night,
it's not too easy
the light keeps it all clear and the sun that beats hot on my back
draws the pain and heartache from my body
but once the moon's light is all to be seen
i lay,
waiting to stop loving you

I look back on these times,
When I seem to be the happiest
My hair in a mess, and clothing,
limited to t-shirts and warm-up pants
I was surrounded by my family
And ones I used to call friends
Being tickled, or teased
But it never bothered me then
The harmless jokes, and constant laughter
Kept me healthy
It kept me happy...
Now I am left with nothing
My hair straight and perfect
Clothing always in order
Surrounded by new friends
You would think it may all be perfect
But as I look back,
I knew those captured moments
Show me actually happy

i was stuck in the idea of perfection
stuck in the promises
promises of happy ever after
as "perfect" seemed to cast a shadow over my life
i smiled
and relaxed
i was shown the extreme
but to me it seemed normal
i ate it up
and it made me fall
i was trapped
suffocated
my whole life was turned around and then turned back again
i was lost,
confused
but i knew i was still supposed to be happy
how could something so wonderful, make me so sad?
it all ended
and i now can finally say i am truly happy at times
although it is done
and my life now seemingly simple once again
i still have memories sometimes
that make me cringe
make me wish and wish for more
for it again

i honestly don't hate them all
i just hate the way they make me feel,
hate the way they treat each other
and how they act so dumb.
it makes me cringe, makes me cry,
makes me build these walls.
i'm really just a wimp.
scared of the truth, and friendship,
which by dictionary definition means:
a state of mutual trust.
now that's the part that scares me.
the ability to trust another to not spill your secrets,
the ability to trust that somebody won't hurt you,
or push you down.
in the process of "branching out"
fear and confusion eats at me,
but i have to let it go.
i don't hate them all.
i can't

this being is hurting
i can see it in every move
from it's glossy eyes
to the sighs that follow each motion.
a façade is put up every morning,
to hide the truth that this being is in fact,
broken.
every time it breaks more,
i reach out to fix it.
now, i have realized,
that is not possible.
no matter how hard i try,
there is only one thing that can save this soul,
and it for sure is not my words.
i hold tears deep inside me,
so i don't make this harder.
i hope that happiness from outside sources
will help this creature.
help to rebuild them, change them.
help them to start again.

Headache and heartache come hand in hand
My head pounding
My heart skipping beats
My head confused
My heart tearing apart
My head aches
And so does my heart

my heart and my mind
are not effective
when attempting to work together
my mind keeps telling me not to
but my heart of course is inconveniently head over heels in love with you

My heart lays in a box
With a lock securely guarding it
I being the only one to know the combination
I may never trust anyone with it
But maybe...
Just maybe...
You will show me
I can trust you
Trust you with my heart

i was ready
i was smiling
i was happy
even excited.
this darkness,
and change of the clock,
changes me.
i feel as though i am too tired,
too dumb,
too full of hate
to continue in all of this.
of course,
it's the night he isn't here.
"more sleep"
he says, laughing
"not gonna happen"
i reply
he is not here tonight
he's never really here
but our here is enough.
please be here

through unstoppable anger
and hopeless love
i still love you like crazy
i just wish you could see it
and maybe you'd let me go
instead of watching me play this game
that's ruining me