one may think that it's wonderful
the non-stop talk
to have large numbers
to have "options"
and for some it may be
but the constant, overwhelming, unwanted surprises from all of this
make me mad
they make me cry
and make the guilt seep into my skin.
the though that i have done something wrong
overcomes my every thought
and i find myself lost in the sea of over thinking.
as a teacher instructs a lesson
or a friend tries to tell a story
i am lost.
hopelessness fills me as i receive another message
and somebody pours out their heart
i want to tell them to have it back
i don't need it,
i don't want it.
it just hurts more as they continue
all i want is for it to stop
so i can find myself
dig out of the hole, i'm stuck at the bottom of
soak up the tears i've been drowning in
find myself in my messy world

i dream of this love
because i miss you
reading our old messages
and remembering your grin
and the way you winked
and stared
makes me dream of you more
they fill the space
that you're supposed to fill
the space for sweet words,
hugs and kisses,
holding hands and late nights
i wish you'd fill it yourself
so i'm not stuck dreaming

bullets to the chest
warmth in cheeks
tears stinging eyes
long tight hugs
constant waiting
but crazy in love

it all hurts
and i am stabbing my heart with my own words
you have the others
won't that be enough?
you surely don't need me too

as he asks if i lie
i can't help but to lie again
no i reply
but there are promises laced in the lies
and broken as truth is revealed.
it eats me up
consuming my hope
munching at the confidence
finishing off the last feeling of safety
and i am left with nothing
shaking hands respond
and i get the sick feeling in my stomach
just forget
let it all happen
but it's much easier said than done
i have to leave it all behind
start new, and pretend it doesn't hurt
pretend they don't hurt

i know that i need to stop.
i know it's not fair.
i scream, and cry.
i yell at myself.
i don't stop though.
i can't.
i don't know why.
i love it.
i love these words.
i love the feeling that overcomes me.
i need to stop though.
i can't do this.
i know it's not fair.

I hear very own voice
in my head sometimes
Yelling at me
But it does not have a reason
To yell my name at me
To yell my mistakes at me
To yell my concerns at me
So why does it yell at me
I ask it politely to stop
Yelling
But then all I hear
Is me telling myself
To stop yelling
At myself

A wave of comfort washes over me
I feel safe as I step outside
As I breathe in,
The harsh winter air fills my lungs
I whisper to myself quietly
It's my choice...  I don't have to
Smiling faces appear in my head
I smile too
I can't leave it all behind
Not right now

if only
i could get ****** into a time traveling tornado
that could bring me back to you

if only
i could have realized how truly important
you could have been to me

if only
you were here once more
whispering soft words of wisdom in my ear

my whole world becomes colorless
my whole organization system shatters
i quickly glance in your direction and catch your eyes
white.
like a blank page this color fills my mind
maybe it shows you are a new start
hope fills inside me
and my cheeks get hot every time our eyes meet
i have to let go of things, to have room for the new
and although i didn't see this new coming
i let go of all old regret to create room for new memories
with you

i fall recklessly out of reality
as quickly as i face plant into it,
stuck somewhere between truth
and my constant dreaming.
oh why? i ask my large imagination
do i constantly let you wander?
it leads me to dangerous tunnels of regret
where i am trapped in the black nothingness
of pain i have unsuccessfully tried to heal
"keep it simple" he orders
and as true as i know it is
i can't bring myself to listen to his words
so once again i lay here
overthinking every small part of my messy life
once again relying on a blank page
to cure my constant thought build up
that digs and scratches from inside me

i can feel you pulling away.
your laugh gets a little louder when you are with them.
your smile a little brighter.
i just want to wrap you in my arms.
i want to hug you so tight that you never want to let go.
i want to lock you away, so the rest of the world cannot have you.
i can't though.
in the end, i just want you to smile.
in the end, i want you to be happy.
in the end, i want you to be loved.
so whatever can do that,  
i want for you.  
because, darling, i love you with all my heart
and if you are happy,
while not loving me back in that same way
then i'll just have to be okay with that.

As I pull you in close to me
We slip away into another world
I can no longer hear the shouts and laughs
I can no longer smell the teens and bus odor
We slip away into another world
Where it is just you and me
I hear you breathing
I smell your cologne
As we slip into another world

i jump to conclusions once again
thinking it was all okay
when, i should've trusted it wasn't
i should've known you wouldn't be the same
and as i walk beside you, confused by every word you say
i kick myself
you believed my words
and i'm stuck in this

as i read your words
your voice rings through my head
i read the 27 words
again and again
smiling each time i reach the end
27 words that fill my heart
fill my mind
fill me with you

i only matter in my dreams
the way you smile at me
hug me tight
and the way your eyes light up
are only figments of my imagination
the way you tell me stories
hold my hand
and the way you make time to see me
is all a joke
the way you write about me
kiss me
and say you love me and mean it
are all things that my cruel mind makes up to fill the space in my heart, that i have opened for you

a new feeling brews inside of me
makes me feel sick
makes me feel hurt
but when it all comes together at the end of a long day
i'm angry
angry that you would even think about that
angry you don't care enough to stop
angry at you

there's one person
who won't let me down,
who will always be on my side,
who will love me no matter what.
that one person
is my true best friend,
my hero,
the one i'll always look up to.
i only have one person in my life like that,
so naturally i depend, love and value them
i guess i didn't always see it
but the more people let me down,
change and pressure me,
i realize how important this one person is
and always will be

i once heard a quote
it went something like
"one of the cruelest things you can do to someone is to pretend you care about them, more than you do"
that's actually exactly how it goes
might sound nice off some kashi poet's lips
but the feeling is what really makes this string of words strong
one's feelings
real or not
can completely ruin another
and when you finally see
that they don't care for you as much as they used to
or care for you at all, even though they said they did
it hurts like hell.
feels like bullets to your already ****** chest, from your heart being previously ripped out viciously by good ol' reality's unforgiving hands.
and that may be an understatement.
anyways, if you don't love another
or care about them,
don't pretend you do,
because even though those words,
sweet like honey off of your pink lips, make her smile big.
the tears that follow lies
are the nastiest of all
and no sweet words
can fix a broken heart

As you continue to push on,
You learn about yourself
The people you trust
The things that make you cry
The way you handle a situation
And as you push and push and push
You break
Your wrists become weak
Your hands red and raw
Your scars deep
But through all of it
You find the urge
You don't let your tears fall
You don't let yourself be seen
You find a way to pretend

it scares me that i'm falling
and that i tell you things
it scares me that you understand
and notice when i'm pulling away
i'm scared to trust you
and scared to be here so soon
you want me to let you in but i can't find that **** key
it's locked deep inside me,
where my memories go
it's going to be tough to find it in those layers of broken times,
but i'm working to find it for you

and when everyone's door is shut
and i'm too afraid to knock,
i turn to the words to soothe.

his apparent laugh makes me shiver
and the sorry does not sound real.
i know he loves, i know he cares
but this is not a game i'm playing.

it scares me so much to feel like this
so telling you was my only choice.
i cannot formulate a sentence,
stumbling over the embarrassment.

if you are not happy,
leave for i will not rush to make you happy.
i feel sick to my stomach at the thought,
and need to knock on someone's door.

i miss her like a friend would,
her oblivion helpful to me.
she wouldn't dare to tell anyone for she ate up secrets like a child on Halloween.

he wouldn't get it,  he would scold, she would laugh it off.

someone to listen, and tell white lies to get me through would be a help.
but there are gates towering above my door, that nobody wishes to climb.

i don't wear my heart on my sleeve,
or beat around the bush.
i don't let you fool me,
or pretend i like you when i don't.
i don't ask your favorite color,
or hug you everyday.
knowing this now,
will you still say you love me,
each and every night?
knowing this
will you still hold the girl,
who keeps her heart in a locked box,
in the fear of it being broken?
knowing this,
would you still hug the girl,
who hides her secrets deep,
in fear of letting too much out?
knowing this,
will you still truly love me,
the way i always thought you did before?

i have rewritten this poem
about, 187 times
some have ended with me writing a paragraph,
in all capitals,
with no spaces
but in the end...
all i want to say is that
i love you,
and you cannot do that
i just want you to be happy,
with or without me

i want to laugh
the touch of your bodies
and the time in which it all happened
what a wimp you were
glad to see you've manned up
i like the new fire in your eyes
glad it didn't come sooner though
probably wouldn't have come at all with me
i'll always love you a little
i hope you love her
and if you do
make sure she knows.

i almost reach to pat myself on the back
and grin when i announce it
it's supposed to be this way
this is a very good thing
but the distant cries for help muffle my happiness
i want to be there
but i can't
this is how it's supposed to be

maybe this should be the day to start forgetting
forget about this perfect dream  that i wish and wish to come true
forget about this craziness that we have created between the two of us
forget about the things we thought we had

but as much as i know that we will have to let go one day
your words of wisdom still fill the minutes between midnight and 3 a.m
and the perfection of your existence
and the way you understand the things i hide from the world
makes it so much harder

i know this will never work
i know it's all just a silly dream
but a silly dream i don't want to let go of

and as the feelings grow,
and the conversations become more real,
i realize that when finally letting go
these memories will make it harder

it's the things like this that strike me the most,
a simple conversation between two humans,
yet so powerful.
person 1:  why are you so mean?
person 2:  because the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don't even have one

now, as i realize this is just a dumb tumblr picture,
i laugh a bit,
but then stop as i realize this may describe me.
quite well actually.

you've proven to be there for me,
even when i am a mess of tears and guilt in the middle of the night.
just simply a sorry from you, can help me feel better.
but because of past experiences,
i am scared to let you see inside of me.
it was easy when i called you bestie and loved you like a brother,
but now, i feel a strong love for you.
the kind where i smile for no reason but the fact that i can call you mine,
and the kind that when i catch you staring, i blush like crazy.
the kind of love where every love song can put your face in my head,
and where kisses you place gently on my forehead make my heart swell.  

i realize that if i want this kind of love,
i have to open myself,
i have to be my semi-******, clumsy, imaginative self around you.
i have to share my feelings, and let you love me.
but if i let you see me, and let you love me,
i have to also give you the ability to destroy me.
and that is what scares the hell out of me.
knowing that at any moment, you could make me cry
you could tell my secrets to the world,
you could break my heart.
break me entirely.

as my worlds collide
i shake my head
my words jumble
and i find small lies laced
on the curves of the letters
disappointment settles in my stomach
and i feel sick
i change for all these people
why do i even care this much?
the thought tears through my head
taking everything over
i can't even escape my own head

i hope it's only me,
i hope that all of it's true,
and the creature tells lies of your presence.
the sad thing is though,
that even if this creature tells the truth,
it cannot change how i feel.
it tells stories of secret meetings,
where it manipulates your mind,
and makes you turn against me,
but baby, i hope this creature tells lies
because you hold my heart in your palm

getting better,
only leads to falling apart.
just like living,
is the first step to dying.

Life is a film
Of one step forward
And two steps back

Life is a book
That tells the whole story
But you can only read it once

Life is an opportunity
That people control
For themselves

Life is an apple
Sweet or Sour
With a worm occasionally
In some

Life is time
Controlled by the person
To whom it belongs

there are moments,
that when life hands you lemons,
you have to hand them back,
because sometimes giving them back,
is much better than enduring their sour sour taste

the world gets so heavy,
that when we finally feel strong enough to hold it up,
we think all the weight is gone.
but actually,
we've just gotten stronger
and it doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
we don't always need to be strong,
it's okay to drop the weights for a while.
rest your body,
rest your mind.
you can't be strong all of the time.

Light gives us power
To defeat the dark
Darkness laughs when we can't see a thing
We turn on the light
And it has already disappeared
In embarrassment or amazement
That we could overcome him

he reaches his hands out and picks me up,
"do you hate me?" he questions, trying to wipe my tears away before i retreat.
"i don't not love you" i say after moments of silence.
his head drops.
i leave our house, only returning when i am sure he is not there.
a month later i still have not spoken to him,
but back we go.
for more heartbreaks and lies.
it's finally over,
i can leave this house,
and find a place to call home.
and it will be home,
even without him.

standing strong,
everyone believes it will hold,
maybe they're wrong,
for i hear a different story told.

speaking calm and clear,
until it's all it can take,
i begin to fear,
waiting for the break.

tears on cheeks,
rings on fingers,
happiness peeks,
but never lingers.

smiles leave,
lies are told,
i can barely breathe,
as stories unfold.

i'm not surprised,
as the truth spills,
but all the lies,
they really ****.

don't pretend to love,
we don't want your jokes,
you are no pair of doves,
very different folk.

for the worst, you stay,
i'm telling you, just go,
although it's a new day,
don't come back tomorrow.

i need to be able speak.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.
but i also need to be able to listen.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.

memories haunt me
and stay in my head
there is no way to erase them
so stuck forever they stay
in my head, in my computer, in scars on my heart
i don't want these memories
they scare me
remind me of places i have been
the person i was

with his touch i feel as though
nothing could be more perfect
make this much sense
fell this good
but i find just in another's words
i may feel this same way

My heart is lost at sea
It jumped overboard into the cold, dark ocean
The ocean of broken dreams
And lost hope
It drowns but resurfaces
Dead and lifeless
It is dead
Broken
Well, that's what it feels like anyways
Because my heart is lost at sea

Some love is like a flower
delicate and beautiful

Some love is like rocks
strong and durable

Some love is like waves
rough, back and forth

But all love is like a promise
And when a heart is broken
So is the promise

love candles aren't blown out,
love candles burn like crazy, some burn longer than others,
but to blow one out, is a sin.  
i thought our candle would slowly stop burning,
the wax, would harden,
and the flame would trickle away, slowly.
we would be okay,
it wouldn't be a sudden burst of hurt.
the flame flickered quick, once.
and you took a huge breath,
and just like the big bad wolf,
you blew the hay, the sticks and the bricks,
to the ground.
they fell down around me as i cried.
you blew out the love candle,
while i was still trying to keep it burning.

i try to imagine,
the bright smile on your face,
the one smile that instantly fills me with happiness
as you send me these wonderful words.
they fill up my heart,
and all of a sudden i feel a bit better.
the pictures that fill my head at night,
when i am fast asleep,
leave me with full grins as i wake.
i tell you about these pictures,
the stories and wishes they create,
and i am almost surprised to know,
that you have similar stories and pictures,
that play in your head while you lay asleep at night

finally
when i can't think of a reason to hate,
or a reason to cry
i can just smile.
i can realize finally
that my past is my past
and people can't hurt me if i don't let them.
he can't see inside of me anymore,
he can't touch my skin,
or persuade me with his words.
he is gone from my life.
and now, i thankfully have you
who won't be the cause of my tears,
who won't promise forever only to let me down
who won't "love" me
but will just love me

where the most happiness is supposed to be found
i'm left feeling the deepest sadness
when you want someone so badly
and even though they know that,
you're invisible in their eyes
the feeling where you pour out your heart
and dream of their kiss
only to be forgotten
where you'd do anything to spend a moment laying eyes on them
and they spend every moment finding a way to let you down "easy"
so you won't be hurt
but little do they know
you already are