Some days I curse his name until I rest
And others I call him in the middle of the day so he doesn’t take his life
He is hurting
Deep down he really is
His heart breaks
But it’s his hands that shatter it
So he is silenced

I try not to think about him
For I begin to feel guilty
Guilty for being the reason he needs help
Guilty for staying true to myself
Guilty for not being who he wants me to be

And then I begin to feel angry
Angry that he tore apart my life
Angry that he acts like he didn’t
Angry that he is everything a father should not be

Yet I am silenced too

For he is broken
Sleeping and dreaming of a life
A life he didn’t ruin

He keeps guns close
So I must keep him close enough

I try to listen at the words being said
The rumors and phrases
The quiet whispers
Giggles
And stares
Spread like wild fire across the room
Until my actions and words
Are jokes to everyone
Including myself

there are moments when your words,
the way you smile,
and just when our eyes meet
i almost stick my hands out
to catch my heart,
that feels as if it's about to fall to the ground
jump right out of my chest
fall onto the floor
it beats crazily
and warmth rushes to my cheeks
amazing how just a smile from you,
can do all that

used
unimportant
just a phase,
thats what i am.
i know it was you.
coincidences like this just don't happen.
and that's why it hurts.
i fall in and out of anger and sadness,
but i know its not her fault.
i also know that she feels similar
so in a way it is.
i don't even know

Words crawl in my head
My brain puzzled
By the meanings of these words
My heart breaks
But I realize it's only my own words breaking it
Words in my head start to spill from my mouth
I try to stop them
Covering my mouth with my shaking hands
They continue to spill
Hurting the people around me
Tears spill from my eyes
I wipe them away but more fall
I am a mess
I can't control my brain
I can't control my heart
I grasp for an explanation
My heart laughs
Telling me I'll never figure him out
My own controlled thoughts slip from my mind
Foreign ones fill my mind
And I don't even know how they got there
They scratch and scrape
My heart close to exploding
My steady breathing is all that is keeping me sane
I wish I could escape
Escape my own screaming head

silence hurts more
than the words would
your absence of speaking
eats at me
and tears me apart
if you told me how you truly feel
i could start healing
and stop slowly deteriorating

Dear Reality,
   You know, you can be a real **** sometimes. You stick out your hand to help me up just to push me back down and laugh.  I wasn't aware of you when I was 5 and I could disappear in my own little world with my crazy blonde curls, dolls, and imaginary husband (who I insisted eat at the dinner table.)  But then one day you slapped me in the face and put my life into my two small hands and told me to make it good. You showed me rejection, hate, guilt and how it felt for people to hate me just because. You told me that when I held my head high I would feel good, but then someone told me to duck.  But when I felt like the world was crashing down around me and I was a tiny microscopical dot on the earth and my life was falling apart while still in my hands and my tears like a river of emotions flowing into oceans of regret and guilt, you made the rivers evaporate into clouds of "get over it."  And I know it will rain, and puddles will form in holes left irreplaceable but I will remember to wear rain boots.  I can't hide in blankets of excuses.  It will not stop raining but you taught me to bring an umbrella. When life turns into a big wave, I'll grab a surfboard.  Or when life throws me on a roller coaster, I'll grab a car and buckle up, but I won't close my eyes because I might miss something.  And when I finally realize that the big scary world, doesn't have to be so scary, I will thank you reality.

i hope it's only me,
i hope that all of it's true,
and the creature tells lies of your presence.
the sad thing is though,
that even if this creature tells the truth,
it cannot change how i feel.
it tells stories of secret meetings,
where it manipulates your mind,
and makes you turn against me,
but baby, i hope this creature tells lies
because you hold my heart in your palm

His love like a drug
The more i try to resist
The more and more
I think about it
Long for it
And go out of my way to get it

As I say it
500 pounds lifts off my shoulders into the sky
I gulp for a breath as you say good bye
Finally able to breathe
Oxygen fills my lungs
And I sigh
I am okay
Finally okay

when you seem uninterested,
tired, bored and mad,
i wish i could make you understand
so i wouldn't be so extremely sad.

i trust that you mean what you say
and that you care about me
but i can't help but notice
that you don't text first or talk 'til three.

i miss who we used to be,
but i love that you speak sweetly now,
and every so often hug me tight,
just know that i really love you so

as my life seems to unfold
simplicity as unusual as it seems to me, comes upon my thoughts
i don't feel as though there is something i should be hiding
and the stupid reason usually in the back of my head,
the one that stops me from smiling
is non-existent.
my mind is clear
and satisfaction hits me in a waves
finally happy,
i lie back,
ready for the rest of my life to begin

as we finally lock hands
your warmth surprises me
your soft words comfort me
and i smile
my insides flutter
and a wonderful feeling overcomes me
as we slowly drive
i know it is time to say goodbye
our hands unlock
i grab again for one last touch
and then you're gone
i am left with nothing but a large smile
and the warmth left on my fingers

your soft words entrance me
pulling me into your presence
making me wish things of you

your sweet smile captures me
bursting the lock to my heart
capturing it for yourself to keep

your sparkling eyes control me
forcing me to look deeply into them
leading me to your heart

and there i steal your heart
capturing it for myself to keep
i promise you some things though...

i will keep it safe and happy
i won't break or tear it
i will hold and love it
i won't hurt or lose it
i will keep it forever and ever darling

Some love is like a flower
delicate and beautiful

Some love is like rocks
strong and durable

Some love is like waves
rough, back and forth

But all love is like a promise
And when a heart is broken
So is the promise

constant reminders of your existence
makes me want you more
and when i can't be with you
over and over
i depend on my dreams
for first kisses, sunsets and love
they fill the void

suddenly angry
i crack
i split
and lose it
i'm not sad
or tired
or broken
just simply mad
outraged
angry

My pillow used as a shield
Blocking out light and sound
My shield scares me too though
Blocking the light from my eyes
As I hear the wind
I throw my shield to the ground
Gulp for air and open my eyes
To the light
Which reveals nothing but
Stained carpet and a snoring
Golden retriever
My blanket like cage
Locking me in for nothing
To get through
I lock it, throwing it over me
But it keeps in the heat
Making my legs shake
I unlock it, throwing to the ground
Along with my sheild
The chilled air sweeps over my legs
I breath slowly
My bed like a boat
So I can't reach the ground
I sink into it
Until it creaks
I jump overboard
My heart racing
The relief is chilly in my bones
I startle the cat lying on the chair
My furniture like a set
I star in a play
My carpet my stage
I step back into a curtain
Which shadow reflects on the wall  as
A wave swallowing my body
I get on my boat
Listening to my heart pound
I finally close  my eyes
With the hope  of sweet dreams

Guilt crawls under my skin
And bites at my toes
It pulls at my hair
And tickles my nose
It all builds inside
No matter how hard I try
I need to let it go
But I can't seem to cry
So it builds and builds inside me
Making me feel trapped
I guess this is just how it will be

The slightest brush of your arm
Sends goosebumps up my spine
The hairs on my neck stand up
As you speak, I try to forget
Everything from previous time
But it all comes rushing back
Drowning your words
With my thoughts
I try to listen to your voice
But my own screaming in my head
I want to pull out my hair
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I am silent
Until I release my thoughts
Onto this very page

it's the things like this that strike me the most,
a simple conversation between two humans,
yet so powerful.
person 1:  why are you so mean?
person 2:  because the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don't even have one

now, as i realize this is just a dumb tumblr picture,
i laugh a bit,
but then stop as i realize this may describe me.
quite well actually.

you've proven to be there for me,
even when i am a mess of tears and guilt in the middle of the night.
just simply a sorry from you, can help me feel better.
but because of past experiences,
i am scared to let you see inside of me.
it was easy when i called you bestie and loved you like a brother,
but now, i feel a strong love for you.
the kind where i smile for no reason but the fact that i can call you mine,
and the kind that when i catch you staring, i blush like crazy.
the kind of love where every love song can put your face in my head,
and where kisses you place gently on my forehead make my heart swell.  

i realize that if i want this kind of love,
i have to open myself,
i have to be my semi-******, clumsy, imaginative self around you.
i have to share my feelings, and let you love me.
but if i let you see me, and let you love me,
i have to also give you the ability to destroy me.
and that is what scares the hell out of me.
knowing that at any moment, you could make me cry
you could tell my secrets to the world,
you could break my heart.
break me entirely.

and of course i do,
i go out of my way for you
i sometimes think i care too much
but really i just love you.
very, very much.

My heart lays in a box
With a lock securely guarding it
I being the only one to know the combination
I may never trust anyone with it
But maybe...
Just maybe...
You will show me
I can trust you
Trust you with my heart

no tears slip down my cheeks
but i'm not really sure how
maybe my heart is cold
frozen over and mean
i admit i can feel them collecting
but never spilling over the sides
i have kept it all in
controlled it
even through all of this
at least i'm not a bawling wreck
getting a little better at this...

bullets to the chest
warmth in cheeks
tears stinging eyes
long tight hugs
constant waiting
but crazy in love

he loves me,
he loves me not,
he loves me,
he loves me not,
all of a sudden out of petals
i realize i wouldn't be performing this act of desperation if i knew he did

come here darling
i'll wipe your fallen tears
i'll hug you tight enough that your pieces fit back together
i never knew you were broken

it finally feels better
things smoothing over
distractions are useful
people helpful
colors bright
music soothing
as it all seems ok
it all comes back
the hate
so confused and forgotten,
i cry a little more
and then a lot
the one who should be close
strays further and further away
hurts me the most
but i cant let it bother me
hypocritical and sad
i wait for the beginning to end
so i can begin again

Bent and broken
They stand
Slumped over
There tops almost touching the cold earth
The weight on there shoulders,
They can barely hold
Sad, they look
Tired, they feel
But they can't brush off the wait
So there they try to stand tall
Bent and broken

i hear a series of clicking noises
as i look around, my eyes scan smiling people
and i can see my future in the horizon
and i realize those aren't just clicking noises,
it is my life
finally falling into place
a smile comes without being forced,
opportunities sprout up
and i am just genuinely happy.
although, there are still pieces
that will never quite fit together
and things will never exactly be alright,
i have other things to keep me here
i guess some things just never work out

through unstoppable anger
and hopeless love
i still love you like crazy
i just wish you could see it
and maybe you'd let me go
instead of watching me play this game
that's ruining me

i almost reach to pat myself on the back
and grin when i announce it
it's supposed to be this way
this is a very good thing
but the distant cries for help muffle my happiness
i want to be there
but i can't
this is how it's supposed to be

i jump to conclusions once again
thinking it was all okay
when, i should've trusted it wasn't
i should've known you wouldn't be the same
and as i walk beside you, confused by every word you say
i kick myself
you believed my words
and i'm stuck in this

As you continue to push on,
You learn about yourself
The people you trust
The things that make you cry
The way you handle a situation
And as you push and push and push
You break
Your wrists become weak
Your hands red and raw
Your scars deep
But through all of it
You find the urge
You don't let your tears fall
You don't let yourself be seen
You find a way to pretend

i almost become sick as the list grows in my head
oh my god is all i can think
leaning over my bed, i try to turn back time
twirling my hair
jumping up and down
pressing my temples
back, back, back i cry
over and over
i cannot live this anymore
reality laughs
oh you silly, silly girl it laughs
*you can't go back this time

April, 9th, 2013
My world seemed to piece itself together in my young mind. It was all seemingly perfect.
October, 30th, 2014
It hit me like a freight train. Ripped me apart. Changed me forever
November, 5th, 2014
The deal was done, and all was broken. New thoughts engraved in my brain. Steering me down the wrong path. Making me feel like life couldn't be worse.
November, 6th, 2014
I am sick to my stomach. My own actions make me cringe. How could I be so cruel?
December, 1st, 2014
My heart was taped together again, and the feeling of "happiness" tricked my brain. I am okay I always thought. This is forever
March, 7th, 2015
My world seemed to fall down around me. My walls crumbling, all "safety" I had built around to protect me had crumbled into nothing but lost hope scattered in a glittery dust around my feet. My mother caught my tears in her hands and drying them with all she had. Words of wisdom from her lips soothe my ears temporarily and she helps me change the orange to blue.
March, 10th, 2015
As the tears became less, the reality grew. The colors more clear to me, and the path i must take more apparent. She again guided me, and hugged me tight. I learned she would be the one to stand by my side when all the others ran away. She would never leave me behind, break my heart, or manipulate me. She was truly the only one that wouldn't let me down.
March, 11th, 2015
I start to see blue among the words at my lunch table. In the hope in my eyes. Finally in the smiles reflected in the mirror. It starts to show a little more and more. The yellow streaked in the melting snow. In the music that plays through my ear buds. In the late night drives. "It gets a little better everyday" she says and I believe it. A little better today, even better the next day and next month at this time everything will be just fine.

I hear very own voice
in my head sometimes
Yelling at me
But it does not have a reason
To yell my name at me
To yell my mistakes at me
To yell my concerns at me
So why does it yell at me
I ask it politely to stop
Yelling
But then all I hear
Is me telling myself
To stop yelling
At myself

somehow we manage to remain
day by day
week by week
month by month
this continues
breaking a little more as every door slams
and every true opinion is voiced
we break as a whole a little bit more
and fall closer to the edge.
i'm ready to fall though,
i have always seen it coming

Too many people
Too many words
Too many enemies
Too many fights
Too many tears
And I can't escape
Although no tears flow from my eyes
And no words from my mouth
I am somehow stuck in this world
And I can't escape
I suffocate in others feelings and thoughts
My head is always full
Thinking away
And I can't escape
I can't escape my very own thoughts
My very own head
I'm stuck and I can't escape

i forget about all prior worry
as your eyes scan over me
i look to make them meet with mine
only to witness you turning away
but what scares me
is that in that particular moment
the fact that you ignored my existence didn't even matter
just your presence and being was enough to fulfill my want for your attention
although not given,
two short hugs and a quiet whisper that you love me stays in my mind for hours after you leave
filling a space in my heart
but only partly
which is why i write this
it fills my other parts,
as dreams also do
i fantasize in my head
giving you credit for words you don't say
and kisses you don't give
i feel as if you are miserable
but too **** afraid to say so

this literally cannot be happening again
i can't believe it
how do i always do this?
it needs to stop
right. now.