Life is a film
Of one step forward
And two steps back

Life is a book
That tells the whole story
But you can only read it once

Life is an opportunity
That people control
For themselves

Life is an apple
Sweet or Sour
With a worm occasionally
In some

Life is time
Controlled by the person
To whom it belongs

i was stuck in the idea of perfection
stuck in the promises
promises of happy ever after
as "perfect" seemed to cast a shadow over my life
i smiled
and relaxed
i was shown the extreme
but to me it seemed normal
i ate it up
and it made me fall
i was trapped
suffocated
my whole life was turned around and then turned back again
i was lost,
confused
but i knew i was still supposed to be happy
how could something so wonderful, make me so sad?
it all ended
and i now can finally say i am truly happy at times
although it is done
and my life now seemingly simple once again
i still have memories sometimes
that make me cringe
make me wish and wish for more
for it again

Your absence of words scares me
I miss your words
It kills me as I see you
My mind flies away
And my brain fills with you
No room for other thoughts
I am crazy about you
But I miss the flare,
The fire in your eyes when you look into mine
When you hold my hand
Tell me you love me
I honestly miss the old you
But maybe you aren't crazy about me anymore
If you even ever were...

pretending day after day
that your nonexistent words didn't  hurt me
hurt a hell of a lot more
than creating messages
to finally guide you
to an ending

i am safe
for i am with myself
none to see me
touch me
read me
i fall
asleep under the stars
almost wishing for less
maybe
it would be easier
to only depend on one
goodnight's for special use
hello's for a smile
i love you's for a reminder
i am lost
lost at sea, if you will
the sharks stay surrounding me
and i can always see a small sliver of land
but i know somehow
i will never wash up along the beach
because i am lost
not to be found
or saved
just lost

i bury my face deep into the pillows
and as i inhale memories fill my mind.
the sudden feeling of safety.
like i all of a sudden know that it's going to be okay
and even if it's not
i can still hide myself
within these pillows.

we're all just waiting here on Earth.
we spend so much time waiting.
waiting to live,
that we waste our chance to live,
on just waiting to die.

happy.

we live our whole lives in the hopes of a life filled with happiness.
sometimes, we do things to make one another happy.
sacrifice our own for another's happiness.
but as soon, as our own happiness,
gets eaten up by the endless hope of others to feel untroubled
it becomes a bit harder to be happy ourselves.
spending days and days on end,
years and years making the ones around you happy
you start to dislike yourself.
when you change, and pull yourself apart,
being who they want you to be,
when they want you to be it,
you lose yourself.
when you can't even look in the mirror,
and smile at your reflection.
when you can't even speak to somebody,
without changing what you really think.
when you can't even live how you want to,
just to make somebody else happy,
you are unhappy.

there is this girl that you may know
you see her in the hall,
on the field
and at the mall.
you see her smiling
but never crying
for she doesn't let tears slip,
and you never hear her sighing.
most people think she's crazy,
a few call her a friend
she's seems loud and angry
but she'll stick with you 'til the end.
she has this amazing guy in her life,
he's handsome and so sweet
she feel's incredibly lucky,
and without him she'd feel incomplete
this girl i write about is me
and all of this is true.
my life is fairly simple,
and i truly do love you.

it hits me hard in the chest
and i wonder if you listened to these words
i guess i take it too literally
you couldn't have really cared that much
not after what i heard
hope you're happy

dictionary:
the daughter of a young monarch : not quite
a close female relative of monarch, especially a son's daughter : nope
the wife or widow of a prince : not even close
the female ruler of a small state : still a no
a spoiled or arrogant young woman : oh... maybe this is more what you were referring to.
in order to call me a princess,
you must stop acting like a dictator
ordering me around,
and demanding respect.
i hate to break it to you,
but i have no contract saying that i must respect you.
i will respect you, and stop my "princessness"
when you respect me, and act like an adult.
thanks...

this isn't something that has snuck up behind me
it hasn't been in the back of my mind
or hiding in my shadow
instead it all of a sudden just hit me
and it hit me hard
the sudden realization that you were gone
and although you may have teased me
and taken my things
and laughed at my mistakes
i will miss you
i will miss the simplicity of your words
the interesting array of facts
the early morning conversations about life itself
as i say goodbye
and look in your eyes one last time
something tightens in my heart
and i bite my cheek and study you one last time
the way you walk, your head high
your strong body, moving among the crowd
the curl of your hair, crazy and untamed
but in all of it, it is your presence i will miss
i regret not realizing this sooner
and all i have left is the memory of your last head nod in my direction
your dark eyes, and small smile
the last wave of your hand
before you turned and disappeared

getting better,
only leads to falling apart.
just like living,
is the first step to dying.

i don't wear my heart on my sleeve,
or beat around the bush.
i don't let you fool me,
or pretend i like you when i don't.
i don't ask your favorite color,
or hug you everyday.
knowing this now,
will you still say you love me,
each and every night?
knowing this
will you still hold the girl,
who keeps her heart in a locked box,
in the fear of it being broken?
knowing this,
would you still hug the girl,
who hides her secrets deep,
in fear of letting too much out?
knowing this,
will you still truly love me,
the way i always thought you did before?

anger overcomes me
in the midst of being madly in love.
****, this really *****.
it eats away at me, and all of a sudden tears are about to spill over.
i want to feel you arms around me,
and your warm lips pressed against my forehead,
but at the same time,
you won't even say hello,
or acknowledge my existence.
love you too...

I scream
A loud and awful noise
I feel the anger
Starting at my toes
Making it's way up to my fists
That I pound you with
Hitting you with everything I have
Tears falling from my eyes
She screams too
Grabbing my shirt
Almost ripping it from my back
A brilliant red
Falls from your face
And the anger drains from me
Until I feel you have finally payed
You are the only one who knows why I do this
Most I assume shocked by this action
Little do they know the story behind my rage
With my fists stained red
And sweat running down my forehead
I retreat, and look into your eyes
Until I see the amount of pain I have caused you
And hit you once more
Harder than before
Between your swollen eyes
Because that's how much it hurt
How much you hurt

i trust that you won't break me.
i trust that you won't lie.
i trust that you mean all your words.
and that you won't make me cry.

right here inside of me
i know that this trust is true
and i just want you to know
that i truly mean it when i say that i love you

You've always been so special
The sudden rush in my blood
The warmth to my cheeks
The beat of my heart
I never really knew
But ****, you really are
The mystery of your words
The silence from your lips
The look in your eye
It kills me
And I know you'll forever be special in my heart
No matter what
I've always loved you

all of a sudden you are a stranger
my dreams
get lost
in my constant attempt to resist my impulses
although you disappear from my thoughts briefly as i run and laugh
you remain in my dreams
the ones that cause me to wake up with hope
hope that one day
you'll love me as much as i love you

there's one person
who won't let me down,
who will always be on my side,
who will love me no matter what.
that one person
is my true best friend,
my hero,
the one i'll always look up to.
i only have one person in my life like that,
so naturally i depend, love and value them
i guess i didn't always see it
but the more people let me down,
change and pressure me,
i realize how important this one person is
and always will be

maybe this should be the day to start forgetting
forget about this perfect dream  that i wish and wish to come true
forget about this craziness that we have created between the two of us
forget about the things we thought we had

but as much as i know that we will have to let go one day
your words of wisdom still fill the minutes between midnight and 3 a.m
and the perfection of your existence
and the way you understand the things i hide from the world
makes it so much harder

i know this will never work
i know it's all just a silly dream
but a silly dream i don't want to let go of

and as the feelings grow,
and the conversations become more real,
i realize that when finally letting go
these memories will make it harder

it's not hard to say that breaking a heart,
is easier than having yours broken.
but to rebreak a heart,
over and over,
takes a lot

as i read your words
your voice rings through my head
i read the 27 words
again and again
smiling each time i reach the end
27 words that fill my heart
fill my mind
fill me with you

sickening waves of orange flow through me
the ***** walls
and wet tiled floor
the messy handwriting
and my eyes so tired I can barely think
his words streams of light baby blue
and I think they should make me feel better
somehow I just feel worse
the way he tries to make me stay
i try to feel bad
feel pity for all of his poor me, and woe
but i don't
and even though it all hurts
stabs at me
scratches from within me
i know days to follow will end in bright blues
giving me hopes streaked with yellows
as i rummage through all this orange
the yellow and blue stay at the back of my mind
waiting to reveal themselves
as real happiness

and when everyone's door is shut
and i'm too afraid to knock,
i turn to the words to soothe.

his apparent laugh makes me shiver
and the sorry does not sound real.
i know he loves, i know he cares
but this is not a game i'm playing.

it scares me so much to feel like this
so telling you was my only choice.
i cannot formulate a sentence,
stumbling over the embarrassment.

if you are not happy,
leave for i will not rush to make you happy.
i feel sick to my stomach at the thought,
and need to knock on someone's door.

i miss her like a friend would,
her oblivion helpful to me.
she wouldn't dare to tell anyone for she ate up secrets like a child on Halloween.

he wouldn't get it,  he would scold, she would laugh it off.

someone to listen, and tell white lies to get me through would be a help.
but there are gates towering above my door, that nobody wishes to climb.

i'm happy
i promise
look at this smile on my face
i can laugh and run and smile
without your face appearing in my head
but at night,
it's not too easy
the light keeps it all clear and the sun that beats hot on my back
draws the pain and heartache from my body
but once the moon's light is all to be seen
i lay,
waiting to stop loving you

my dreams filled with you still haunt me.
they fill my night visions,
and eat up my freeness from thought about you.

embarrassment sets in
as my foolish attempts at showing love
replay over and over
in my hopeless overthinking mind

i unwillingly wash you away

wash the taste of your lips from mine

strip the clothing from my back, that smells of you

rid my body of your touch

and then i feel empty,
broken,
sad

until i see you again

then i can taste your lips
hug you so close and long that i smell of you
feel your touch like fire on my skin

and i am full,
happy,
complete

funny how just words from an unrelated song
can make you think so much about past, and future
current unhappiness of the situation
past happiness.
can make the situation awkward,
when you know you're all thinking the same thing.
when you know that everyone sees the gap,
sees the large **** in all of the normal.
but until we can agree to stop pretending,
we'll all continue on this path,
always reassuring everyone that it's all normal

i get lost in your words
you cover me with blankets of hope
i start to cry, the tears that fall are ones of fright
what is this is just a game?
it won't even matter by the end
so why does it feel like everything now?
i know it's all wrong

where the most happiness is supposed to be found
i'm left feeling the deepest sadness
when you want someone so badly
and even though they know that,
you're invisible in their eyes
the feeling where you pour out your heart
and dream of their kiss
only to be forgotten
where you'd do anything to spend a moment laying eyes on them
and they spend every moment finding a way to let you down "easy"
so you won't be hurt
but little do they know
you already are

the simplicity of your words
make me smile
nothing extra to emphasize,
but plain words from your fingers,
straight to my heart

stuck in the past,
i worry and worry
as my future comes nearer,
and then becomes my past.
it all haunts me,
eats away at my heart,
overcomes my already nasty thoughts.
all around me believe that they know
but what they aren't aware of
is that i'll never tell it all,
in fear of letting it out,
using the words,
and letting tears fall from my eyes.
while keeping it in,
continues to break me,
letting it out would expose me,
**** him,
and shock them all.
i have built up enough walls
to keep him out
at the moment i don't need to stab him
with blades of his wrongs
and remind him of how he broke my trust, and  my soul corrupted my formally sweet dreams.
now as i lay attempting to sleep,
i have to wrap my arms around me tightly, touching my own skin, only to remind myself that i can't be hurt like that again.
so if you wonder why,
think back on late nights and one sided conversations and surely you will remember all the hell you caused.

i wonder if he does it to get through it
or if he actually didn't care
is it a game?
or did i actually matter?
i guess its not an issue anymore
because as she says "i've got lots of choices"
i don't need big numbers
i just need to find myself
thanks for the great support....
makes me feel fantastic...

stuck between
what i want,
what was,
and what is,
i'm in a constant state of hopeless wondering.
this wondering makes my dreams go  crazy.
reality and the pictures that linger in my mind at night,
intertwine like a schoolgirl's braids.
i twirl my locks around my finger,
until i fall into a black pit of darkness,
that lets the thinking stop.
for hours,
i don't have to worry,
i don't have to cry,
i don't even have to think,
i can just be.
and, i lay there being,
for hours at night,
until daylight puts up "wanted" signs,
and drags me out of my happiness,
plopping me into reality,
with a thud.

as i turn the corner,
i draw in a deep breath.
it smells like something good will happen.
the way the light hits the floor,
and the emptiness of the quiet hall.
something good is coming.

in the moment
i was almost embarrassed
to reach out to hold something
that doesn't want to be held
to speak to something,
that doesn't want to be spoken to
i try to push it away
and act like nothings wrong
but i can't get it out of my mind

my whole world becomes colorless
my whole organization system shatters
i quickly glance in your direction and catch your eyes
white.
like a blank page this color fills my mind
maybe it shows you are a new start
hope fills inside me
and my cheeks get hot every time our eyes meet
i have to let go of things, to have room for the new
and although i didn't see this new coming
i let go of all old regret to create room for new memories
with you

A wave of comfort washes over me
I feel safe as I step outside
As I breathe in,
The harsh winter air fills my lungs
I whisper to myself quietly
It's my choice...  I don't have to
Smiling faces appear in my head
I smile too
I can't leave it all behind
Not right now

it puzzles me the way he can continue
it only takes him a moment
before he is back to himself
makes me sad
i know he needs more than this
i try not to picture it all
it hurts
can't even imagine how much he is hurting

my unimportance to you
only makes me crave it more
and i soak up those long responses
and the smallest things can make my cheeks rosy.
i sometimes like the way you don't seem to care
and the constant need for more.
makes me appreciate the special moments more.
at the end of this i am realizing
you probably make all of them feel like this
nobody is special in your world.
but you have this certain way.
you can make one feel incredible.
you build them up with your sweet comments,
your short stares.
but as secrets spill,
and your ways become revealed.
my walls come crashing down,
yet i still long for those things.
cheeks rosy, and heart fluttering,
i wonder how you do it

i am stuck here.
wrapped in the stupidity of the unforgiving world.
i grasp on to every word, laced with hope,
and i hide things inside me to keep myself from crumbling.
my happiness radiates like a bright ray of sunshine,
and my sadness falls into the shadows, thankfully unnoticed.
i live in this world to be here.
i happily eat up all inspiration
and hope to be the bright blue of somebodies orange filled day.
my life like the seasons,
i am unsure of how long it will last,
and winter always turns into spring eventually,
but creatures die in the winter
and i'll die too one day

I want it so bad it hurts
I don't even know how I feel
So confusing yet so wonderful
So painful yet so delighting
This is so hard to do
"Please just pick some way"
I plead to my heart
It laughs
Just as I expected
Can't be that easy
Life has to be hard
Thats what makes it life

if you were the only being i could speak to,
all days would be funny
all days would be interesting
all days would be full

if you were the only being i could be with,
all days would be exciting
all days would be perfect
all days would be mirthful

if you were the only being i could look upon,
all days would be beautiful
all days would be bright
all days would be happy

if you were the only other being in this world...
life would be simple
life would be fun
life would be full

i can see the little boy he used to be
bright smiles, always laughing
and it makes me smile
the way his cheeks reddened when he was happy
and the way he spoke
i can see how easy life was
how much he was loved
now as i stare into this new boy's eyes
i see pain
he sits silently
he is mysterious, and quiet
i know deep down he is still that little boy
i wish i could find him in there somewhere

sometimes it hurts so much more
to see somebody else hurting.
their tears, send knives into your heart.
their small remarks, making you cringe.
their regrets, send guilt through your blood.
what makes you hurt the most though,
is to realize they play this game for you.
they continue for you.
push on through hate and unhappiness,
all for you to be happy.