i'm not really sure if this counts,
but as i remember,
the soft words spoken.
i know that it was indeed real,
and i have my reasons.
i have built my walls up again,
to keep this from happening,
but new words,
tap softly at all of the bricks,
and i'm afraid of falling

my heart and my mind
are not effective
when attempting to work together
my mind keeps telling me not to
but my heart of course is inconveniently head over heels in love with you

he reaches his hands out and picks me up,
"do you hate me?" he questions, trying to wipe my tears away before i retreat.
"i don't not love you" i say after moments of silence.
his head drops.
i leave our house, only returning when i am sure he is not there.
a month later i still have not spoken to him,
but back we go.
for more heartbreaks and lies.
it's finally over,
i can leave this house,
and find a place to call home.
and it will be home,
even without him.

dark red hits me as i step inside
the smell, wet floor, and sun shining through the window
makes it appear in my mind
old shows, fluffy ears, full smiles
make it redder and redder
warm and smiley
red, red, red
dark, like blood
but warm
makes me feel as though i am supposed to be here
supposed to belong, even though i don't
as i bid one last goodbye
and step into the darkness
the yellow light, ripped carpet and chip mix
sets orange back
single muffins left in large ziploc bags
empty lunch boxes
and unswept floors, allows orange back into my head
fake wood
orange
old bananas
orange
uncut hair
orange
tv loud
orange
all is orange
and it digs from inside of me
ready to burst from within my soul
orange...

the light blue is overwhelming
as i hold my stomach
and rub my eyes
pushing away the urge to cry
he is silent
dark blue
but not the good stuff
not the brighter kind that makes me feel warm and happy
deep in the pit of my stomach
a weight of blue sits
just waiting for me to do something
i sigh and rub my temples
as it all comes to a close
i can see the yellow in the air
feel it in the music
taste in my drink
it all feels better

standing strong,
everyone believes it will hold,
maybe they're wrong,
for i hear a different story told.

speaking calm and clear,
until it's all it can take,
i begin to fear,
waiting for the break.

tears on cheeks,
rings on fingers,
happiness peeks,
but never lingers.

smiles leave,
lies are told,
i can barely breathe,
as stories unfold.

i'm not surprised,
as the truth spills,
but all the lies,
they really ****.

don't pretend to love,
we don't want your jokes,
you are no pair of doves,
very different folk.

for the worst, you stay,
i'm telling you, just go,
although it's a new day,
don't come back tomorrow.

it scares me that i'm falling
and that i tell you things
it scares me that you understand
and notice when i'm pulling away
i'm scared to trust you
and scared to be here so soon
you want me to let you in but i can't find that **** key
it's locked deep inside me,
where my memories go
it's going to be tough to find it in those layers of broken times,
but i'm working to find it for you

the love shines through his eyes,
but tears fall from them too,
for he knows she is blind.
blind to all the love he wants to give.
he's tired of trying.
tired of trying to open her eyes.
she's far gone,
and won't see him again.
won't ever accept his love,
that pours from his heart,
like an angry waterfall.

my thoughts a little crazy,
my mind a little hazy.
my eyes tired,
my brain wired.
my smile bright,
my life just right.
for a moment, i don't worry.
i actually feel great.
but then my mind gets blurry,
again, i can't think straight.

although they seem fake,
i hold on to every last one
decoding your every move
trying to make it count
i live off your eyes
your smile
and rare wink
i soak it all up
trying to make it love
as i think harder and harder
reality laughs
oh my you stupid girl. this will never be love. you're just fooling yourself. wake up, of course he does not love you
and in that moment i realize he doesn't
rumors spread around
and i know i am one of the many
to be "loved" by you
you're great at pretending
you know, i might've actually cared there for a while

my dreams,
are my thoughts.
just simplified into one picture.
although i use the word "simplified"
they are not what a person would call simple.
everything from broken hearts,
to endless tears,
to homeless children,
to hovercrafts that fill the blue sky.
secretly hurting?
feeling lucky?
futuristic?
i'm not always sure what they tell me,
but they do help me organize my thoughts,
so in the end,
i thank my dreams.
they tell me things that i could not begin,
to explain myself

i don't write happy much
but sweet tunes cure my constant aching for the night.
his wonderful voice,
radiates from his mouth,
like honey.
the sweet songs filling me to the top
and i can't help but smile.
a big, big smile that hurts now,
while i lay here in bed.
but it takes the pain from my heart -
it's a good kind of hurt

days blend together,
and suddenly,
my life becomes a scramble of moments,
rather than a sequence of events.

dear lover boy,
        hello there. i hope you know how very much i love you. with all of my heart actually. you are wonderful and magical and mysterious. you make me smile every single day. and i just want you to know that you are very amazing, and that i love you.
                                                   - the girl who stole your heart

dear interesting man,
     hey. i have known you for a very long time. and you are closer to me than lots of other people in my life. i tell you just about everything that happens daily and i learn so much from your stories and your life. thank you, for being here in my life. i hope you never have to go away.
                                                              - the girl who is grateful for you

dear mad boy,
       umm, hello, i guess. things are weird, and not really fun. i made a big mistake, and showed you my feelings. my life. showed you myself... now you use it against me and i honestly hate that... please forget about me, to the best of your ability. i don't want to be important. i don't want to be anything more than an unfamiliar face.
                                                      - anonymous

dear working man,
      hello. you are so important in my life and as much as you may be away and work for me to be happy, i really just need you to smile. to stop by a game of mine, and wink as i finish. i really just need a tight hug from you maybe once a day, not even. but you are one of the reasons for all my growth and success. you help me so much, and you have helped me become who i am today. thank you, i love you very very much.
                                                         - the girl who grows from your existence

dear finally happy boy,
       hi. we haven't talked in ages, and i miss it a little. (even though i know you don't) i am glad to see you are happy. that's all i ever wanted for you. and i never meant to hurt you in any way. i'm sorry if i did. i'm happy to see you happy. i don't feel as guilty anymore, when i look into your eyes...
                                                         ­     - your friend (i hope)

dear old boy,
      hey. i miss you so so very much. i miss the late night conversations. long paragraphs. people's mistakes of what we are. i miss our jokes, our bond, our closeness. in the end i really just miss the silly person i am when i am with you. i can't tell if you miss me, but i hope you still remember what we used to be. because you will always be the bestest friend i ever had...
                                                          ­- the girl who misses you very much

dear smart man,
      hello. you are very intelligent and inspiring. i look up to you and wish to be like you one day. your brain has no limits and you are just amazingly calm. you are a huge part of my growing life right now, and i will remember you forever.
                                                  - the girl whom you affect greatly

dear sad boy,
       hi. you are broken. and i tried to fix you because i care about you very much. i tried to help you. i poured out my heart, and wiped away your tears, and made your long nights okay. but, boy, you no longer need me. and now you are just sad. and i never fixed you. this makes me very sad. i failed to fix you. so now, you are just sad.
                                                           - best friend (maybe...)

dear sweet boy,
      hello, darling. i love you. i just need you to know that. you are still small, and you are still learning so much everyday. as much as you try to understand me, i can guarantee you, you never will. i may not tell you i love you daily, or hug you close to me, or compliment your progress on your little life, but man do i love you, my sweet boy.
                                                                ­- the girl who will always love you

dear oldish man,
     hello. as much as i may grow, change, and drive away, i will always be that little girl you have always known. the one that used to sit upon your lap while learning to read, the one that soaked up all your endless information you read about our world, the one whose curls were just as crazy as her imagination. i will always be the little girl you have always known. and i love you so very much. so as you grow older, and i do too, i want you to remember that little girl and know that she is always inside of me.
                                               - the little girl at heart

i live in the sea.
full of hundreds of monsters.
there is one that hides in the reef.
he smiles sometimes,
but the sharks and the octopi
threaten to ****.
he hides, scared of the world.
so scared that he won't come out.
even when i tell him it's alright.
then he left for good.
i barely see that fish anymore,
he doesn't swim about like he used to.
found a spot deep in that reef to bury his soul.
so deep that nobody can find him,
so deep nobody can hears his silent calls for help.
he's drowning in life,
and soon he'll disappear from this deep blue sea.

the truth
lies among
vacant lands of broken glass
if i enter this barren land
i know i will bleed
but i will also unlock the hidden mystery and be lead across the land  in order to make further decisions in my journey that some call life

he stared in my eyes
and sweared to god he loved me
well bud, looks like somebody is headed to hell
those lies are harsh.
they hurt a whole lot
but ****, look what i've gained
truth
and nothing is more powerful.
i have secrets that you don't want out
so erasing you from my life was easy
my thoughts... not so much
because my dreams run wild
and punches are thrown
sending you crashing to your knees
dignity and all
too bad they are only silly dreams
where i am stronger and more powerful
in this life, i steer clear from your body
in fear of your power
you don't play mind games though,
i do,
you're just too stupid to realize it
so i take your brain
make you feel awful
so then i can feel better
knowing you feel half as bad as i did
hurting you all the way would be cruel,
i can't ruin you
i'm not that evil,
even though i know you are, were and always will be

it is oddly empty.
a large pocket
with nothing but broken memories laying inside.
a strong smell that lingers
makes something in my heart tingle
and guilt makes it's way to my head
where i am left laying thinking for hours
trying to fix what will always be broken
it's too late now
"just focus on the happy things" he says
and as always he is right
so my mind wanders to you
and happy at last, i may rest
until light of tomorrow's struggle will awake me

Your small words like bullets
Into my brain
Making me believe
Making me believe what they say
Making me believe it's all true

no matter how much i need him,
i must not pick up the phone.

for tomorrow,
i will regret it.

when the sun rises,
all will be okay.

If somebody can't run a mile
In 4 minutes
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody doesn't think
Like you do
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as smart
As you think you are
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as
Good as you as you think
You are at certain things
Does that make them
A bad person

If you don't like somebody
Because of something small
Does that make you
A bad person?

I'm starting to feel like it's one sided.
Like it's all just a game.
I'm starting to feel like we're acting.
In a show called disappointment.

Light gives us power
To defeat the dark
Darkness laughs when we can't see a thing
We turn on the light
And it has already disappeared
In embarrassment or amazement
That we could overcome him

i'm ok
when the sun fills the sky.
i can think clearly,
and laugh.
but as soon as it fades over the horizon
my mind slips away.
i can't process,
and my body gets hot.
what if this,
what if that.
oh darling sun,
please stay.

nothing but a fairly tale.
i live through half my life in denial,
and the other half hopelessly dreaming.
half my life is this crystal clear reality,
hits me like a freight train,
every morning that i wake.
and the other floats above me,
like something that could be,
or should've been.
you were a fairytale,
you ran from my arms.
but it's alright darling,
i hear you laugh once in a while,
i see you smile.
i see you're doing well,
and that's all i want.
you're doing well,
without me.

it all hurts
and i am stabbing my heart with my own words
you have the others
won't that be enough?
you surely don't need me too

i only matter in my dreams
the way you smile at me
hug me tight
and the way your eyes light up
are only figments of my imagination
the way you tell me stories
hold my hand
and the way you make time to see me
is all a joke
the way you write about me
kiss me
and say you love me and mean it
are all things that my cruel mind makes up to fill the space in my heart, that i have opened for you

My heart is lost at sea
It jumped overboard into the cold, dark ocean
The ocean of broken dreams
And lost hope
It drowns but resurfaces
Dead and lifeless
It is dead
Broken
Well, that's what it feels like anyways
Because my heart is lost at sea

i knew they were all fake
and it's not that there was 3
it was that you lied
i would like to say i'm surprised
even this last piece of you
fake...

you say it's so bad,
he teases me with a smile.
you get a little mad,
he stays for a while.

you beg and you cry,
he smirks with a wink.
you pretend and you lie,
he makes my cheeks pink.

you made me believe,
he loved me like crazy.
i think i should to leave,
this is becoming a bit hazy.

my minds all a blur,
extremely confused,
you go with her,
and my hearts a bit bruised
but i need you to leave,
i need to believe,
there is something more than hopeless love,
i want something new, kind of.

broken dreams, wedged in between my couch cushions
stupid lies, written in torn journals among my bookshelves
fake feelings, left in the messages of late night mistakes
tear stains, dried in the folds of my bed sheets
deleted pictures, stuck in my distant memories
i try to forget, forgive, restart
but everywhere i turn, you're there
even, as i close my tired eyes
your smile appears in my dreams

love is letting your 100 lb dog sleep at the foot of the bed
and leaving the peanut butter unopened so they can have the first smell.
love is writing notes in lunch boxes,
and waiting up for them to come home.
love is breakfast in bed,
and long hugs.
love is pennies in jars,
and wiping the slobber from an old pup's lips.
love isn't what you see in the movies.
love isn't flawless and "hurt-free".
love is real.
love is the little things.

i suppose that sometimes,
it isn't the situation itself
that reflects the distinct colors,
into my usually cloudy mind,
constantly fantasizing over strings of words
and searching to find meaning
in utterly meaningless things,
but it is more,
the way that the situation makes me feel.

yellow for when i feel open
and like i can breathe.
nobody is mad, and i have no reason to drop my head.
when my family doesn't fight,
and struggles are forgotten.
there is always lots of food,
and something of interest in the kitchen.
when the carpets are clean,
and so are the counter tops.
when i actually feel genuinely happy.

light blue for the days
when i think i might be sick,
if i hear another irrelevant comment,
or a joke that wasn't even funny six months ago.
when the days are dark,
and i feel the cold on my skin and heart.
when my music is quiet,
along with my words
and i don't sing along.
when i feel like i am falling

red for when all is white,
and i can picture blood,
death in close future,
and wet tears.
when i feel sick,
ashamed,
and the air is too hot.
when i am distant,
and even the smell of cookies in the distance,
can't cure my aching soul.
when all around me are happy,
and i am simply not.

orange for when everything is the same,
when dad picks the wrong bread,
or there is nothing in the snack basket.
when everything smells like teenager,
and the chipped paint makes me want to scream.
when my room is the same for too long,
and i can't find clothes to wear.
when i simply can't find something to look forward to.

blue for when things match up
and there isn't too much of one color.
when i laugh out loud,
and blare music until i can't hear.
when small grins come from there hiding space,
on his lips.
when i get unexpected hugs,
and old friends smile my way.
when i don't feel trapped in myself.

purple for when i can't quite understand it,
when the chipped paint doesn't bother me,
but the way he tilts his head does.
when i pray he doesn't call on me,
for i would make a fool out of myself.
when i get so mad that i start to cry,
or when the smell of rain angers me.
when i am too confused to think clearly.

and white for when i am just done.
when all my colors and emotions mix
into a large white cloud, that floats in my head
until the bright yellow sun comes,
or a raindrops reflect light blue
or the day finishes red highlighting the sky
or the orange sun becomes too hot
or a clear blue day emerges,
or when my brother's blue crayon gets lost under the car seat,
so purple will have to suffice.

Click
My life finally falls into place
A smile on all the faces around me

Rip
He rips it all apart
His words harsh and mean

Fall
I slowly fall apart
Into a puddle of tears and regrets

Miss
You don't respond
And I wait here missing you

Fix
You fix me
Put me back together
Hug me tight enough, long enough that I am ok again

I realize now, I am missing a step
Fix**
You haven't
Here I lay broken and crying
Waiting,
Just missing you

yes i've lost your love
and i've lost your feelings
but that's not why tears roll slowly
soaking my pillow
it's so simply and unsimply because i have lost my very best friend

as much as i try to brush it off
fake it
and tell them its ok
i now know how much it hurts
and it makes me even sorrier
i shouldn't have done it
that doesn't make it hurt less though
the wounds in my heart sting
like salt on a cut
fire surges through my bones
growing and growing
and warm tears sit wet on my skin
i don't show them to the others
and as i do show myself there is no evidence.
i am strong,
i am happy,
i am finally free...

true love,
is supposed to last.

he said that he did not love her.
but i know that he does.

that's why we ran back so quickly,
although i walked slowly behind the others.

his lies don't fool me,
i know about her.

he must think i am clueless,
for he still believes i'm okay.

i wonder if he believes i will enter his new life.
i won't even look into his face.

this smile i have could fool the world,
and i'm glad it fools him too.

for without it,
he would be too ashamed to stay in this house.

homes are for people who love,
houses are for ones who pretend they're okay.

my family lives in a house,
that will never be a home.

people who really love,
do not turn away.

they think,
before being overcome.

i may have popped into his head,
while he "shopped"

but only for a second,
until he chose what was most important.

himself.

all humans, i believe
are like rocks alongside the ocean
beautiful and strong
from a distance
but once you get up close
you see the barnacles that cover the surface,
the ants that crawl in the crevices,
and feel the smoothness,
caused by the ocean constantly crashing against it, over and over
until one day, the mighty boulder
that sits upon this large earth
is nothing but sand
at the bottom of the deep blue sea

Our final goodnights
In the shadows
Our bodies hidden
Behind things left by others
I pull you in close
Never wanting to let go
Our final touch sends warmth to my cheeks
Even though I don't want you to go
As we say goodbye
I smile
A large smile
One that shows the effect you have on me

words make me smile
and the blue is overwhelming
memories stream back in
and i know this is for the best
at least i now feel better
i missed these words
and although they are not the same
you still make me feel the blue
and i know i may never see the red of your kitchen
or feel the red softness of your sweatshirt
or notice the way you smell early in the morning
at least i can still think about you
know that i once called you my own
have the memories
and at least you know
how i feel
even though i know you don't feel the same at all

i have rewritten this poem
about, 187 times
some have ended with me writing a paragraph,
in all capitals,
with no spaces
but in the end...
all i want to say is that
i love you,
and you cannot do that
i just want you to be happy,
with or without me

whispers flood my ears
and i can't help but stare
the laugh that used to make me laugh
the smile that could always make me smile
and a touch that sent shivers up my spine
now just makes me hurt
send that aching pain to my heart
now that smile makes her smile
and that laugh makes her giggle
once again.

our life a timer,
and once the time is up,
if you haven't finished what you started,
if you haven't told who you love that you love them,
if you haven't if you haven't laughed enough,
if you haven't done enough
and if you haven't lived enough
you feel empty and incomplete

finish what you start,
if you love somebody tell them,
if it's funny don't hold back your laugh,
if you haven't done it, do it today
and don't think too much
just live...
because one day your timer will go off...

Behind you
may be bad
      memories,
lost friends and family,
    big mistakes,
even bigger embarrassment,
      lonely times,
sad times,
      but the past,
helps your future,
      become better
and your spotless
      future
is all that lies
      ahead

as she calls out to me
i hope i don't show how i actually feel
good thing i'm on the other side
i smile and pleasantly offer words of "wisdom"
oh friend, i stammer
that sounds just wonderful
but while saying this
the jealousy confuses me
oh boy i think nervously
i cannot fall
i cannot feed into it
this is a friend
while inside i just say
*sorry girl, it's just how things will be

sitting here
in the dark
no words or inspirational thoughts come in to mind
as i sit frustrated and mad
the feelings bottle up
and start to rise in my brain
light blue fills the room and i cringe at all the words
flying through my head
i wish for the blue of conversations this morning
the bright beautiful blue as the words come off your lips
and nicknames given make my laughter a light sapphire
although i lay
tired and confused
the blue fills my mind