i'm not really sure if this counts,
but as i remember,
the soft words spoken.
i know that it was indeed real,
and i have my reasons.
i have built my walls up again,
to keep this from happening,
but new words,
tap softly at all of the bricks,
and i'm afraid of falling

Withering away fast
I try to grasp it in my hand
And beg for it to stay
I call out it's name
But it is long on it's way
On the trip to Monday
I look for it still
As the Monday sun
Rises and sneers at me
I squint in it's brilliance
To find Sunday
Who is long gone

Soon I hope to be
Where I wish to be

Maybe that is
In a mountain house
With wool socks
And hot cocoa

Maybe that is
In the busiest street
In New York City
Desperately waving for
A taxi

Maybe that is
In an old farm house
With a barn next to it
Waking up to feed the pigs
At 5 o'clock sharp

Maybe that is
On a plane going
Somewhere with a
Cell phone glued to my ear

Maybe that is hiking
In on a trail
Leading to a special
Place in a small
Village

Maybe that is
Eating the
World's Best Cheese
Somewhere in France

Maybe that is
In a place I do not
Know of
With a person I do not
Know of

But maybe
I will be there
Soon

no matter how much i need him,
i must not pick up the phone.

for tomorrow,
i will regret it.

when the sun rises,
all will be okay.

feelings change so rapidly
that one moment
everything he does kills me
and i choke on my tears
and the next
i am shouting my insane love for him to the world
and sending hearts 'til my fingers bleed

If somebody can't run a mile
In 4 minutes
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody doesn't think
Like you do
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as smart
As you think you are
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as
Good as you as you think
You are at certain things
Does that make them
A bad person

If you don't like somebody
Because of something small
Does that make you
A bad person?

my heart and my mind
are not effective
when attempting to work together
my mind keeps telling me not to
but my heart of course is inconveniently head over heels in love with you

i don't write happy much
but sweet tunes cure my constant aching for the night.
his wonderful voice,
radiates from his mouth,
like honey.
the sweet songs filling me to the top
and i can't help but smile.
a big, big smile that hurts now,
while i lay here in bed.
but it takes the pain from my heart -
it's a good kind of hurt

i'm always waiting for something,
waiting for the next thing,
or the next big moment.
and the space in between,
all of these "glorious" moments,
is waiting.
i don't cherish waking up in the morning,
or hugging my brother.
i don't pay attention to late night walks,
or kissing my old black lab.
my head is just thinking ahead,
waiting for something incredible to happen,
except one day,
i'll look back,
at the times that don't feel so important now,
and want a regular moment back,
more than anything.
i won't wish to go back to my 9th birthday,
or my first concert.
i'll wish to wake up young,
and hug my brother again.
all this space in-between the best moments,
is full of waiting,
when it should be full of more moments.
maybe not glorious,
and incredible.
but moments nonetheless.

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could tell the ocean
To crash over the beach
With all it's might
To bring the striped umbrella's
And tiny buckets
With him
Back into the deep

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could scream into
My pillow for hours
And be annoyed that
I wasted my time
And I wasn't heard

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could be alone
With no one to talk
To and just think
And be fine

Sometimes I feel so mad
I can't even imagine
What the feeling of happy
Feels like

Sometimes I feel so mad
And then I see things
That I love
And I realize
I just need to feel
Happy :)

the truth
lies among
vacant lands of broken glass
if i enter this barren land
i know i will bleed
but i will also unlock the hidden mystery and be lead across the land  in order to make further decisions in my journey that some call life

my thoughts a little crazy,
my mind a little hazy.
my eyes tired,
my brain wired.
my smile bright,
my life just right.
for a moment, i don't worry.
i actually feel great.
but then my mind gets blurry,
again, i can't think straight.

days blend together,
and suddenly,
my life becomes a scramble of moments,
rather than a sequence of events.

it scares me that i'm falling
and that i tell you things
it scares me that you understand
and notice when i'm pulling away
i'm scared to trust you
and scared to be here so soon
you want me to let you in but i can't find that **** key
it's locked deep inside me,
where my memories go
it's going to be tough to find it in those layers of broken times,
but i'm working to find it for you

i live in the sea.
full of hundreds of monsters.
there is one that hides in the reef.
he smiles sometimes,
but the sharks and the octopi
threaten to ****.
he hides, scared of the world.
so scared that he won't come out.
even when i tell him it's alright.
then he left for good.
i barely see that fish anymore,
he doesn't swim about like he used to.
found a spot deep in that reef to bury his soul.
so deep that nobody can find him,
so deep nobody can hears his silent calls for help.
he's drowning in life,
and soon he'll disappear from this deep blue sea.

he stared in my eyes
and sweared to god he loved me
well bud, looks like somebody is headed to hell
those lies are harsh.
they hurt a whole lot
but ****, look what i've gained
truth
and nothing is more powerful.
i have secrets that you don't want out
so erasing you from my life was easy
my thoughts... not so much
because my dreams run wild
and punches are thrown
sending you crashing to your knees
dignity and all
too bad they are only silly dreams
where i am stronger and more powerful
in this life, i steer clear from your body
in fear of your power
you don't play mind games though,
i do,
you're just too stupid to realize it
so i take your brain
make you feel awful
so then i can feel better
knowing you feel half as bad as i did
hurting you all the way would be cruel,
i can't ruin you
i'm not that evil,
even though i know you are, were and always will be

the light blue is overwhelming
as i hold my stomach
and rub my eyes
pushing away the urge to cry
he is silent
dark blue
but not the good stuff
not the brighter kind that makes me feel warm and happy
deep in the pit of my stomach
a weight of blue sits
just waiting for me to do something
i sigh and rub my temples
as it all comes to a close
i can see the yellow in the air
feel it in the music
taste in my drink
it all feels better

although they seem fake,
i hold on to every last one
decoding your every move
trying to make it count
i live off your eyes
your smile
and rare wink
i soak it all up
trying to make it love
as i think harder and harder
reality laughs
oh my you stupid girl. this will never be love. you're just fooling yourself. wake up, of course he does not love you
and in that moment i realize he doesn't
rumors spread around
and i know i am one of the many
to be "loved" by you
you're great at pretending
you know, i might've actually cared there for a while

love is letting your 100 lb dog sleep at the foot of the bed
and leaving the peanut butter unopened so they can have the first smell.
love is writing notes in lunch boxes,
and waiting up for them to come home.
love is breakfast in bed,
and long hugs.
love is pennies in jars,
and wiping the slobber from an old pup's lips.
love isn't what you see in the movies.
love isn't flawless and "hurt-free".
love is real.
love is the little things.

i'm ok
when the sun fills the sky.
i can think clearly,
and laugh.
but as soon as it fades over the horizon
my mind slips away.
i can't process,
and my body gets hot.
what if this,
what if that.
oh darling sun,
please stay.

my dreams,
are my thoughts.
just simplified into one picture.
although i use the word "simplified"
they are not what a person would call simple.
everything from broken hearts,
to endless tears,
to homeless children,
to hovercrafts that fill the blue sky.
secretly hurting?
feeling lucky?
futuristic?
i'm not always sure what they tell me,
but they do help me organize my thoughts,
so in the end,
i thank my dreams.
they tell me things that i could not begin,
to explain myself

you say it's so bad,
he teases me with a smile.
you get a little mad,
he stays for a while.

you beg and you cry,
he smirks with a wink.
you pretend and you lie,
he makes my cheeks pink.

you made me believe,
he loved me like crazy.
i think i should to leave,
this is becoming a bit hazy.

my minds all a blur,
extremely confused,
you go with her,
and my hearts a bit bruised
but i need you to leave,
i need to believe,
there is something more than hopeless love,
i want something new, kind of.

dear lover boy,
        hello there. i hope you know how very much i love you. with all of my heart actually. you are wonderful and magical and mysterious. you make me smile every single day. and i just want you to know that you are very amazing, and that i love you.
                                                   - the girl who stole your heart

dear interesting man,
     hey. i have known you for a very long time. and you are closer to me than lots of other people in my life. i tell you just about everything that happens daily and i learn so much from your stories and your life. thank you, for being here in my life. i hope you never have to go away.
                                                              - the girl who is grateful for you

dear mad boy,
       umm, hello, i guess. things are weird, and not really fun. i made a big mistake, and showed you my feelings. my life. showed you myself... now you use it against me and i honestly hate that... please forget about me, to the best of your ability. i don't want to be important. i don't want to be anything more than an unfamiliar face.
                                                      - anonymous

dear working man,
      hello. you are so important in my life and as much as you may be away and work for me to be happy, i really just need you to smile. to stop by a game of mine, and wink as i finish. i really just need a tight hug from you maybe once a day, not even. but you are one of the reasons for all my growth and success. you help me so much, and you have helped me become who i am today. thank you, i love you very very much.
                                                         - the girl who grows from your existence

dear finally happy boy,
       hi. we haven't talked in ages, and i miss it a little. (even though i know you don't) i am glad to see you are happy. that's all i ever wanted for you. and i never meant to hurt you in any way. i'm sorry if i did. i'm happy to see you happy. i don't feel as guilty anymore, when i look into your eyes...
                                                         ­     - your friend (i hope)

dear old boy,
      hey. i miss you so so very much. i miss the late night conversations. long paragraphs. people's mistakes of what we are. i miss our jokes, our bond, our closeness. in the end i really just miss the silly person i am when i am with you. i can't tell if you miss me, but i hope you still remember what we used to be. because you will always be the bestest friend i ever had...
                                                          ­- the girl who misses you very much

dear smart man,
      hello. you are very intelligent and inspiring. i look up to you and wish to be like you one day. your brain has no limits and you are just amazingly calm. you are a huge part of my growing life right now, and i will remember you forever.
                                                  - the girl whom you affect greatly

dear sad boy,
       hi. you are broken. and i tried to fix you because i care about you very much. i tried to help you. i poured out my heart, and wiped away your tears, and made your long nights okay. but, boy, you no longer need me. and now you are just sad. and i never fixed you. this makes me very sad. i failed to fix you. so now, you are just sad.
                                                           - best friend (maybe...)

dear sweet boy,
      hello, darling. i love you. i just need you to know that. you are still small, and you are still learning so much everyday. as much as you try to understand me, i can guarantee you, you never will. i may not tell you i love you daily, or hug you close to me, or compliment your progress on your little life, but man do i love you, my sweet boy.
                                                                ­- the girl who will always love you

dear oldish man,
     hello. as much as i may grow, change, and drive away, i will always be that little girl you have always known. the one that used to sit upon your lap while learning to read, the one that soaked up all your endless information you read about our world, the one whose curls were just as crazy as her imagination. i will always be the little girl you have always known. and i love you so very much. so as you grow older, and i do too, i want you to remember that little girl and know that she is always inside of me.
                                               - the little girl at heart

true love,
is supposed to last.

he said that he did not love her.
but i know that he does.

that's why we ran back so quickly,
although i walked slowly behind the others.

his lies don't fool me,
i know about her.

he must think i am clueless,
for he still believes i'm okay.

i wonder if he believes i will enter his new life.
i won't even look into his face.

this smile i have could fool the world,
and i'm glad it fools him too.

for without it,
he would be too ashamed to stay in this house.

homes are for people who love,
houses are for ones who pretend they're okay.

my family lives in a house,
that will never be a home.

people who really love,
do not turn away.

they think,
before being overcome.

i may have popped into his head,
while he "shopped"

but only for a second,
until he chose what was most important.

himself.

our life a timer,
and once the time is up,
if you haven't finished what you started,
if you haven't told who you love that you love them,
if you haven't if you haven't laughed enough,
if you haven't done enough
and if you haven't lived enough
you feel empty and incomplete

finish what you start,
if you love somebody tell them,
if it's funny don't hold back your laugh,
if you haven't done it, do it today
and don't think too much
just live...
because one day your timer will go off...

as much as i try to brush it off
fake it
and tell them its ok
i now know how much it hurts
and it makes me even sorrier
i shouldn't have done it
that doesn't make it hurt less though
the wounds in my heart sting
like salt on a cut
fire surges through my bones
growing and growing
and warm tears sit wet on my skin
i don't show them to the others
and as i do show myself there is no evidence.
i am strong,
i am happy,
i am finally free...

nothing but a fairly tale.
i live through half my life in denial,
and the other half hopelessly dreaming.
half my life is this crystal clear reality,
hits me like a freight train,
every morning that i wake.
and the other floats above me,
like something that could be,
or should've been.
you were a fairytale,
you ran from my arms.
but it's alright darling,
i hear you laugh once in a while,
i see you smile.
i see you're doing well,
and that's all i want.
you're doing well,
without me.

Click
My life finally falls into place
A smile on all the faces around me

Rip
He rips it all apart
His words harsh and mean

Fall
I slowly fall apart
Into a puddle of tears and regrets

Miss
You don't respond
And I wait here missing you

Fix
You fix me
Put me back together
Hug me tight enough, long enough that I am ok again

I realize now, I am missing a step
Fix**
You haven't
Here I lay broken and crying
Waiting,
Just missing you

getting better,
only leads to falling apart.
just like living,
is the first step to dying.

whispers flood my ears
and i can't help but stare
the laugh that used to make me laugh
the smile that could always make me smile
and a touch that sent shivers up my spine
now just makes me hurt
send that aching pain to my heart
now that smile makes her smile
and that laugh makes her giggle
once again.

Behind you
may be bad
      memories,
lost friends and family,
    big mistakes,
even bigger embarrassment,
      lonely times,
sad times,
      but the past,
helps your future,
      become better
and your spotless
      future
is all that lies
      ahead

it is oddly empty.
a large pocket
with nothing but broken memories laying inside.
a strong smell that lingers
makes something in my heart tingle
and guilt makes it's way to my head
where i am left laying thinking for hours
trying to fix what will always be broken
it's too late now
"just focus on the happy things" he says
and as always he is right
so my mind wanders to you
and happy at last, i may rest
until light of tomorrow's struggle will awake me

Light gives us power
To defeat the dark
Darkness laughs when we can't see a thing
We turn on the light
And it has already disappeared
In embarrassment or amazement
That we could overcome him

we're all just waiting here on Earth.
we spend so much time waiting.
waiting to live,
that we waste our chance to live,
on just waiting to die.

I'm starting to feel like it's one sided.
Like it's all just a game.
I'm starting to feel like we're acting.
In a show called disappointment.

i have rewritten this poem
about, 187 times
some have ended with me writing a paragraph,
in all capitals,
with no spaces
but in the end...
all i want to say is that
i love you,
and you cannot do that
i just want you to be happy,
with or without me

this isn't something that has snuck up behind me
it hasn't been in the back of my mind
or hiding in my shadow
instead it all of a sudden just hit me
and it hit me hard
the sudden realization that you were gone
and although you may have teased me
and taken my things
and laughed at my mistakes
i will miss you
i will miss the simplicity of your words
the interesting array of facts
the early morning conversations about life itself
as i say goodbye
and look in your eyes one last time
something tightens in my heart
and i bite my cheek and study you one last time
the way you walk, your head high
your strong body, moving among the crowd
the curl of your hair, crazy and untamed
but in all of it, it is your presence i will miss
i regret not realizing this sooner
and all i have left is the memory of your last head nod in my direction
your dark eyes, and small smile
the last wave of your hand
before you turned and disappeared

Your absence of words scares me
I miss your words
It kills me as I see you
My mind flies away
And my brain fills with you
No room for other thoughts
I am crazy about you
But I miss the flare,
The fire in your eyes when you look into mine
When you hold my hand
Tell me you love me
I honestly miss the old you
But maybe you aren't crazy about me anymore
If you even ever were...

broken dreams, wedged in between my couch cushions
stupid lies, written in torn journals among my bookshelves
fake feelings, left in the messages of late night mistakes
tear stains, dried in the folds of my bed sheets
deleted pictures, stuck in my distant memories
i try to forget, forgive, restart
but everywhere i turn, you're there
even, as i close my tired eyes
your smile appears in my dreams

and when everyone's door is shut
and i'm too afraid to knock,
i turn to the words to soothe.

his apparent laugh makes me shiver
and the sorry does not sound real.
i know he loves, i know he cares
but this is not a game i'm playing.

it scares me so much to feel like this
so telling you was my only choice.
i cannot formulate a sentence,
stumbling over the embarrassment.

if you are not happy,
leave for i will not rush to make you happy.
i feel sick to my stomach at the thought,
and need to knock on someone's door.

i miss her like a friend would,
her oblivion helpful to me.
she wouldn't dare to tell anyone for she ate up secrets like a child on Halloween.

he wouldn't get it,  he would scold, she would laugh it off.

someone to listen, and tell white lies to get me through would be a help.
but there are gates towering above my door, that nobody wishes to climb.

it all hurts
and i am stabbing my heart with my own words
you have the others
won't that be enough?
you surely don't need me too

i only matter in my dreams
the way you smile at me
hug me tight
and the way your eyes light up
are only figments of my imagination
the way you tell me stories
hold my hand
and the way you make time to see me
is all a joke
the way you write about me
kiss me
and say you love me and mean it
are all things that my cruel mind makes up to fill the space in my heart, that i have opened for you

My heart is lost at sea
It jumped overboard into the cold, dark ocean
The ocean of broken dreams
And lost hope
It drowns but resurfaces
Dead and lifeless
It is dead
Broken
Well, that's what it feels like anyways
Because my heart is lost at sea

i knew they were all fake
and it's not that there was 3
it was that you lied
i would like to say i'm surprised
even this last piece of you
fake...

as she calls out to me
i hope i don't show how i actually feel
good thing i'm on the other side
i smile and pleasantly offer words of "wisdom"
oh friend, i stammer
that sounds just wonderful
but while saying this
the jealousy confuses me
oh boy i think nervously
i cannot fall
i cannot feed into it
this is a friend
while inside i just say
*sorry girl, it's just how things will be

words make me smile
and the blue is overwhelming
memories stream back in
and i know this is for the best
at least i now feel better
i missed these words
and although they are not the same
you still make me feel the blue
and i know i may never see the red of your kitchen
or feel the red softness of your sweatshirt
or notice the way you smell early in the morning
at least i can still think about you
know that i once called you my own
have the memories
and at least you know
how i feel
even though i know you don't feel the same at all