i'm done with these poems,
these words that i share
they will no longer be about you
i'm done trying to fix you,
you don't need me anymore
it will never be forever
don't call me anymore
don't cry to me anymore
you don't need me anymore

dear lover boy,
        hello there. i hope you know how very much i love you. with all of my heart actually. you are wonderful and magical and mysterious. you make me smile every single day. and i just want you to know that you are very amazing, and that i love you.
                                                   - the girl who stole your heart

dear interesting man,
     hey. i have known you for a very long time. and you are closer to me than lots of other people in my life. i tell you just about everything that happens daily and i learn so much from your stories and your life. thank you, for being here in my life. i hope you never have to go away.
                                                              - the girl who is grateful for you

dear mad boy,
       umm, hello, i guess. things are weird, and not really fun. i made a big mistake, and showed you my feelings. my life. showed you myself... now you use it against me and i honestly hate that... please forget about me, to the best of your ability. i don't want to be important. i don't want to be anything more than an unfamiliar face.
                                                      - anonymous

dear working man,
      hello. you are so important in my life and as much as you may be away and work for me to be happy, i really just need you to smile. to stop by a game of mine, and wink as i finish. i really just need a tight hug from you maybe once a day, not even. but you are one of the reasons for all my growth and success. you help me so much, and you have helped me become who i am today. thank you, i love you very very much.
                                                         - the girl who grows from your existence

dear finally happy boy,
       hi. we haven't talked in ages, and i miss it a little. (even though i know you don't) i am glad to see you are happy. that's all i ever wanted for you. and i never meant to hurt you in any way. i'm sorry if i did. i'm happy to see you happy. i don't feel as guilty anymore, when i look into your eyes...
                                                         ­     - your friend (i hope)

dear old boy,
      hey. i miss you so so very much. i miss the late night conversations. long paragraphs. people's mistakes of what we are. i miss our jokes, our bond, our closeness. in the end i really just miss the silly person i am when i am with you. i can't tell if you miss me, but i hope you still remember what we used to be. because you will always be the bestest friend i ever had...
                                                          ­- the girl who misses you very much

dear smart man,
      hello. you are very intelligent and inspiring. i look up to you and wish to be like you one day. your brain has no limits and you are just amazingly calm. you are a huge part of my growing life right now, and i will remember you forever.
                                                  - the girl whom you affect greatly

dear sad boy,
       hi. you are broken. and i tried to fix you because i care about you very much. i tried to help you. i poured out my heart, and wiped away your tears, and made your long nights okay. but, boy, you no longer need me. and now you are just sad. and i never fixed you. this makes me very sad. i failed to fix you. so now, you are just sad.
                                                           - best friend (maybe...)

dear sweet boy,
      hello, darling. i love you. i just need you to know that. you are still small, and you are still learning so much everyday. as much as you try to understand me, i can guarantee you, you never will. i may not tell you i love you daily, or hug you close to me, or compliment your progress on your little life, but man do i love you, my sweet boy.
                                                                ­- the girl who will always love you

dear oldish man,
     hello. as much as i may grow, change, and drive away, i will always be that little girl you have always known. the one that used to sit upon your lap while learning to read, the one that soaked up all your endless information you read about our world, the one whose curls were just as crazy as her imagination. i will always be the little girl you have always known. and i love you so very much. so as you grow older, and i do too, i want you to remember that little girl and know that she is always inside of me.
                                               - the little girl at heart

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

you did that to me once
not so long ago

stated you would not speak
i rolled my eyes and stared a you
a small smile creeped upon your lips
and you slowly turned your head
"please! please! please!"
i cried again and again
you shook your head, refusing once more
you turn your head away,
shifting your body
"no, no, no"
i plead,
wrapping my arms around your chest
you shake your head once more

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

a lot of times,
i wish i didn't care.
like the rest of them.
living there lives selfishly and easy.
why can't i just be selfish for once.
i care too much.
it almost hurts.

you beg for me to stay
i tell you it's okay
i tell you not to worry,
i am here for you, i promise
but you push me away.
ignore me, when i am trying to help
i truly waited for you
stayed up thinking about you
worrying you were all alone
then you imply i'm not needed
i wish i could scream
i waited for you, stayed awake
poured my heart out
and risked it
you don't need me
just tell me that please
so i'm not making myself available
when i'm not needed
i'm sorry that i care
i really don't mean to be a bother

no tears slip down my cheeks
but i'm not really sure how
maybe my heart is cold
frozen over and mean
i admit i can feel them collecting
but never spilling over the sides
i have kept it all in
controlled it
even through all of this
at least i'm not a bawling wreck
getting a little better at this...

and of course i do,
i go out of my way for you
i sometimes think i care too much
but really i just love you.
very, very much.

i picture the figure in my brain
puzzled, but intrigued
why does he say this?
one single tear slips down my cheek but i wipe it away.
fast.
i feel obligated to fix him.
he is broken, sad.
why do i always feel responsible.
empathy i guess.
i seem to be the only one with it though.
a curse probably.
this isn't even close to my fault.
how do i always get dragged in?
it's not my problem... i whisper over and over again
but in the back of my head
i know
it will be me who fixes his broken parts.
piece him back together again.
make him okay...

i almost reach to pat myself on the back
and grin when i announce it
it's supposed to be this way
this is a very good thing
but the distant cries for help muffle my happiness
i want to be there
but i can't
this is how it's supposed to be

my nights of metallica and constant wondering,
are probably my favorite.
life picks you up by the shoulders,
shakes you round a bit,
and finally asks,
what am i anyways?
'til you just realize once again,
you'll never know the real answer

the flowers just die, so why plant them?
the children just forget, so why teach them?
the hearts will just break, so why love them?
but i guess we'll all just die, so why live?

when they say that,
"one may be able to make your heart melt"
they may be right

one can crush your heart,
into so many pieces
that it incinerates within the time of utter unhappiness

one can play with your heart,
for too long
that it breaks from the games and germs of the world's love diseases

one can tear your heart,
so roughly,
that you bleed tears of sadness from your eyes

so yeah,
i guess you could say
"one may be able to make your heart melt"

how* is this even fair?
how is it my fault?
i didn't even know!
if you don't tell me, don't blame me.
go ahead and tell the rest of the world,
but don't even try to come back here blaming me for it!
you have full control of what happened
all those nights of "tears"
were really full of new beginnings
you weren't even sad,
and there is where my biggest mistake comes to haunt me
when did i ever think that would be good?
you'll never forgive
and you will never really forget
oh, how stupid i have become

this literally cannot be happening again
i can't believe it
how do i always do this?
it needs to stop
right. now.

i want to laugh
the touch of your bodies
and the time in which it all happened
what a wimp you were
glad to see you've manned up
i like the new fire in your eyes
glad it didn't come sooner though
probably wouldn't have come at all with me
i'll always love you a little
i hope you love her
and if you do
make sure she knows.

broken dreams, wedged in between my couch cushions
stupid lies, written in torn journals among my bookshelves
fake feelings, left in the messages of late night mistakes
tear stains, dried in the folds of my bed sheets
deleted pictures, stuck in my distant memories
i try to forget, forgive, restart
but everywhere i turn, you're there
even, as i close my tired eyes
your smile appears in my dreams

i have rewritten this poem
about, 187 times
some have ended with me writing a paragraph,
in all capitals,
with no spaces
but in the end...
all i want to say is that
i love you,
and you cannot do that
i just want you to be happy,
with or without me

the simplicity of your words
make me smile
nothing extra to emphasize,
but plain words from your fingers,
straight to my heart

I grasp onto the last bit of inspiration
Letting it cleanse my broken soul
I have let the cruel world swallow me
I have let myself become the regular, egotistical teenager the rest of the world is
I hold onto this last bit of sanity
And rid myself of all vanity
Pulling out all of my fine points
Trying to prove to myself this isn't what I have become
But as I stare into the mirror,
The glitter on my eyes, and mascara staining my cheeks
Tells me otherwise...

there are moments when your words,
the way you smile,
and just when our eyes meet
i almost stick my hands out
to catch my heart,
that feels as if it's about to fall to the ground
jump right out of my chest
fall onto the floor
it beats crazily
and warmth rushes to my cheeks
amazing how just a smile from you,
can do all that

our eyes meet, for just one second,
and i turn away quickly.
maybe too quickly...
all of a sudden i miss his eyes.

i try not to smile,
in case he's still looking.
but then my face warms up
and i know that i am blushing.
my heart pounds in my chest
and i can't hold in my smile anymore
my lips spread into a grin
and i shake my head.
then all i can think is,
wow, how does he do that?

two shaking hands
rip my heart in two
stabbing it violently
making me cry
making me hurt
i look to see who these hands belong to
only to realize
they are my own two shaking hands
and that i am breaking my own heart

i can feel you pulling away.
your laugh gets a little louder when you are with them.
your smile a little brighter.
i just want to wrap you in my arms.
i want to hug you so tight that you never want to let go.
i want to lock you away, so the rest of the world cannot have you.
i can't though.
in the end, i just want you to smile.
in the end, i want you to be happy.
in the end, i want you to be loved.
so whatever can do that,  
i want for you.  
because, darling, i love you with all my heart
and if you are happy,
while not loving me back in that same way
then i'll just have to be okay with that.

i've done it all before.
and it's happening again.
i get that feeling inside me.
the one as if i am about to die.
yet, i still love it so much.
i can't speak, can't say no.
i have no control.

i know that i need to stop.
i know it's not fair.
i scream, and cry.
i yell at myself.
i don't stop though.
i can't.
i don't know why.
i love it.
i love these words.
i love the feeling that overcomes me.
i need to stop though.
i can't do this.
i know it's not fair.

i lay here
with a stupid grin on my face,
wondering if you feel the words that he sings.
i hope almost too much that you do.
why does it always end this way?

i try to imagine,
the bright smile on your face,
the one smile that instantly fills me with happiness
as you send me these wonderful words.
they fill up my heart,
and all of a sudden i feel a bit better.
the pictures that fill my head at night,
when i am fast asleep,
leave me with full grins as i wake.
i tell you about these pictures,
the stories and wishes they create,
and i am almost surprised to know,
that you have similar stories and pictures,
that play in your head while you lay asleep at night

Your absence of words scares me
I miss your words
It kills me as I see you
My mind flies away
And my brain fills with you
No room for other thoughts
I am crazy about you
But I miss the flare,
The fire in your eyes when you look into mine
When you hold my hand
Tell me you love me
I honestly miss the old you
But maybe you aren't crazy about me anymore
If you even ever were...

honestly i'm scared.
you talk and i try not to look.
it hurts too much.
words comfort me,
and i want to believe them so bad.
does it get this good?
am i dreaming?
it can't be real i finally think.
but i love you so much.
i don't care if i get hurt.
it would be worth it.
at least i have you for now.
i love you too much to do anything.

Tears drip slowly down my face
I don't wipe them away
Or ask them to leave
My face hot
I stare ahead
Wondering how this happened
Thoughts wild in my brain
Make me wish and wish that I could escape

When you are not here
Things seem to go so wrong
My endless wishes of your presence
Make my poems grow very long

When you are not here
Things suddenly don't make sense
My movements that grow rapidly
Leave muscles feel so tense

When you are not here
Things fall apart and break
My unanswered calls and cries for you
Leave me wide awake

You are asleep,
Your aching bones at rest
Your mind blank
Your words silent

I am wide awake
My aching bones still move
My mind gone wild
My words flowing onto this page

I cry, I scream, I call for you

You are asleep

I don't understand
The fire inside me gone
The feeling that rang through me vanished
The voice that whispered my name silenced
There was no evidence it was there
And no reason why it left
My brain overfilled and confused
I rest my head once again
For a night filled with thoughts
And no sleep
I feel the silence in my words
The hopelessness of my plea
And I know you cannot help me know
For you have rested your head
Not to be disturbed until morning
Where you will receive my plea
And answer with all you have
Only to realize you are too late

My legs shake
And I know they will come soon
I try to let it take me
But it will not without help which i do not give
It always will come to me
Eventually but never easily
It kills me
And other things overcome me
Making me useless
Terrified
Dejected
All of this slowly kills me
Until light shines through my window
And forces me to continue this game

I can feel it like fire
The tension between us
Making me stay further and further away
Your eyes meet mine
Only for a second
But I see the hate

I used to look into these eyes
Everyday...
Study them
Learn their shape and color
But now all I see is hate
Rings of fire
Stabbing into my heart

I have to pretend I'm okay though,
I did this all to you
And myself

These words explain my life
My story
My thoughts

Every person in my life
Their actions
Their feelings

Good thing
That I only see this myself
Because then they might know the truth...

i unwillingly wash you away

wash the taste of your lips from mine

strip the clothing from my back, that smells of you

rid my body of your touch

and then i feel empty,
broken,
sad

until i see you again

then i can taste your lips
hug you so close and long that i smell of you
feel your touch like fire on my skin

and i am full,
happy,
complete

if love,
is waiting for you
when i know you'll never come

then i definitely loved you

if love,
is wishing for your touch
when i know you never would

then i definitely loved you

if love,
is pouring my heart out for you
when i know you'll never understand

then i definitely loved you

but i am pretty sure,
that is not what love is

i am also pretty sure
that maybe once,
i thought that i definitely loved you
and maybe,
i even did...

again it kills me
but inside i know
i can't do anything about who i have become
i have to live with this all

live with the short glances
silence
guilt

all i can do is live though
at least i have you
to help me forget

I never thought
That one person
Could be so many things

That one person
Could fulfill so many positions

That one person
Who is my best friend
The one who I tell all my secrets to
The one who laughs at all my jokes

And that one person
Is my other half
The one who completes me
The one who loves me with all their heart

That one person
Is also be my protector
The one who would jump in front of a bullet
The one who hugs me when everything goes wrong

And that one person
Is my lover
The one who makes my heart melt
The one whose touch makes me shiver

I never knew
That, that one person
Would be you
But as I think about it
I am so very happy that it is

Our final goodnights
In the shadows
Our bodies hidden
Behind things left by others
I pull you in close
Never wanting to let go
Our final touch sends warmth to my cheeks
Even though I don't want you to go
As we say goodbye
I smile
A large smile
One that shows the effect you have on me

Words all around confuse me
They cry to me
But I don't know what's happening
I try to be there
But I just can't
I am so lost
So confused...

Your body positioned as far away as possible
Making me feel like a disease
Making me feel like a monster
Maybe it's better this way though
You hate me...
And I guess now I'm ok with that
I can't feel bad forever...
I'm just hurting myself that way

Click
My life finally falls into place
A smile on all the faces around me

Rip
He rips it all apart
His words harsh and mean

Fall
I slowly fall apart
Into a puddle of tears and regrets

Miss
You don't respond
And I wait here missing you

Fix
You fix me
Put me back together
Hug me tight enough, long enough that I am ok again

I realize now, I am missing a step
Fix**
You haven't
Here I lay broken and crying
Waiting,
Just missing you

As I pull you in close to me
We slip away into another world
I can no longer hear the shouts and laughs
I can no longer smell the teens and bus odor
We slip away into another world
Where it is just you and me
I hear you breathing
I smell your cologne
As we slip into another world

My words are kind
My mind wanders
My thoughts are happy
Because of your smile

My actions are gentle
My eyes are bright
My stomach is tingling
Because of your laugh

My heart feels safe
My laugh is frequent
My smile is wide
Because of you