i knew they were all fake
and it's not that there was 3
it was that you lied
i would like to say i'm surprised
even this last piece of you
fake...

whispers flood my ears
and i can't help but stare
the laugh that used to make me laugh
the smile that could always make me smile
and a touch that sent shivers up my spine
now just makes me hurt
send that aching pain to my heart
now that smile makes her smile
and that laugh makes her giggle
once again.

sitting here
in the dark
no words or inspirational thoughts come in to mind
as i sit frustrated and mad
the feelings bottle up
and start to rise in my brain
light blue fills the room and i cringe at all the words
flying through my head
i wish for the blue of conversations this morning
the bright beautiful blue as the words come off your lips
and nicknames given make my laughter a light sapphire
although i lay
tired and confused
the blue fills my mind

i jump to conclusions once again
thinking it was all okay
when, i should've trusted it wasn't
i should've known you wouldn't be the same
and as i walk beside you, confused by every word you say
i kick myself
you believed my words
and i'm stuck in this

no matter how many times i hear these words
knowing before the start that a lump will form in my throat
they are my last piece of you
and as much as i try to forget
i can't
i need this last piece
and that's why i continue
make sure to keep the words in my head every moment
to have that small piece of you.
because it's the last
i examine every word
looking for a hidden meaning
looking for you to be calling back
but i know you didn't mean this to be important
yet it still makes me cry
finishing this poem,
makes me realize i still care
and i can't figure out why i do
i can't seem to let you go just yet

as he asks if i lie
i can't help but to lie again
no i reply
but there are promises laced in the lies
and broken as truth is revealed.
it eats me up
consuming my hope
munching at the confidence
finishing off the last feeling of safety
and i am left with nothing
shaking hands respond
and i get the sick feeling in my stomach
just forget
let it all happen
but it's much easier said than done
i have to leave it all behind
start new, and pretend it doesn't hurt
pretend they don't hurt

the change in colors annoys me
the light blue stuck in the cracks of ancient houses
the pattern of the clouds
and the silence of the ride.
all of a sudden the gym is blue
the way her hair falls
the arch of a shot
a deep yellow at the smell of dust
old kitchen utensils and sheer table cloths
the food red as we set it on the counter
and showers yellow
old shirts and new words
all a yellow
orange doesn't settle
stays away for the moment

one may think that it's wonderful
the non-stop talk
to have large numbers
to have "options"
and for some it may be
but the constant, overwhelming, unwanted surprises from all of this
make me mad
they make me cry
and make the guilt seep into my skin.
the though that i have done something wrong
overcomes my every thought
and i find myself lost in the sea of over thinking.
as a teacher instructs a lesson
or a friend tries to tell a story
i am lost.
hopelessness fills me as i receive another message
and somebody pours out their heart
i want to tell them to have it back
i don't need it,
i don't want it.
it just hurts more as they continue
all i want is for it to stop
so i can find myself
dig out of the hole, i'm stuck at the bottom of
soak up the tears i've been drowning in
find myself in my messy world

as much as i try to brush it off
fake it
and tell them its ok
i now know how much it hurts
and it makes me even sorrier
i shouldn't have done it
that doesn't make it hurt less though
the wounds in my heart sting
like salt on a cut
fire surges through my bones
growing and growing
and warm tears sit wet on my skin
i don't show them to the others
and as i do show myself there is no evidence.
i am strong,
i am happy,
i am finally free...

it hits me hard in the chest
and i wonder if you listened to these words
i guess i take it too literally
you couldn't have really cared that much
not after what i heard
hope you're happy

i wonder if he does it to get through it
or if he actually didn't care
is it a game?
or did i actually matter?
i guess its not an issue anymore
because as she says "i've got lots of choices"
i don't need big numbers
i just need to find myself
thanks for the great support....
makes me feel fantastic...

it finally feels better
things smoothing over
distractions are useful
people helpful
colors bright
music soothing
as it all seems ok
it all comes back
the hate
so confused and forgotten,
i cry a little more
and then a lot
the one who should be close
strays further and further away
hurts me the most
but i cant let it bother me
hypocritical and sad
i wait for the beginning to end
so i can begin again

April, 9th, 2013
My world seemed to piece itself together in my young mind. It was all seemingly perfect.
October, 30th, 2014
It hit me like a freight train. Ripped me apart. Changed me forever
November, 5th, 2014
The deal was done, and all was broken. New thoughts engraved in my brain. Steering me down the wrong path. Making me feel like life couldn't be worse.
November, 6th, 2014
I am sick to my stomach. My own actions make me cringe. How could I be so cruel?
December, 1st, 2014
My heart was taped together again, and the feeling of "happiness" tricked my brain. I am okay I always thought. This is forever
March, 7th, 2015
My world seemed to fall down around me. My walls crumbling, all "safety" I had built around to protect me had crumbled into nothing but lost hope scattered in a glittery dust around my feet. My mother caught my tears in her hands and drying them with all she had. Words of wisdom from her lips soothe my ears temporarily and she helps me change the orange to blue.
March, 10th, 2015
As the tears became less, the reality grew. The colors more clear to me, and the path i must take more apparent. She again guided me, and hugged me tight. I learned she would be the one to stand by my side when all the others ran away. She would never leave me behind, break my heart, or manipulate me. She was truly the only one that wouldn't let me down.
March, 11th, 2015
I start to see blue among the words at my lunch table. In the hope in my eyes. Finally in the smiles reflected in the mirror. It starts to show a little more and more. The yellow streaked in the melting snow. In the music that plays through my ear buds. In the late night drives. "It gets a little better everyday" she says and I believe it. A little better today, even better the next day and next month at this time everything will be just fine.

the light blue is overwhelming
as i hold my stomach
and rub my eyes
pushing away the urge to cry
he is silent
dark blue
but not the good stuff
not the brighter kind that makes me feel warm and happy
deep in the pit of my stomach
a weight of blue sits
just waiting for me to do something
i sigh and rub my temples
as it all comes to a close
i can see the yellow in the air
feel it in the music
taste in my drink
it all feels better

sickening waves of orange flow through me
the ***** walls
and wet tiled floor
the messy handwriting
and my eyes so tired I can barely think
his words streams of light baby blue
and I think they should make me feel better
somehow I just feel worse
the way he tries to make me stay
i try to feel bad
feel pity for all of his poor me, and woe
but i don't
and even though it all hurts
stabs at me
scratches from within me
i know days to follow will end in bright blues
giving me hopes streaked with yellows
as i rummage through all this orange
the yellow and blue stay at the back of my mind
waiting to reveal themselves
as real happiness

dark red hits me as i step inside
the smell, wet floor, and sun shining through the window
makes it appear in my mind
old shows, fluffy ears, full smiles
make it redder and redder
warm and smiley
red, red, red
dark, like blood
but warm
makes me feel as though i am supposed to be here
supposed to belong, even though i don't
as i bid one last goodbye
and step into the darkness
the yellow light, ripped carpet and chip mix
sets orange back
single muffins left in large ziploc bags
empty lunch boxes
and unswept floors, allows orange back into my head
fake wood
orange
old bananas
orange
uncut hair
orange
tv loud
orange
all is orange
and it digs from inside of me
ready to burst from within my soul
orange...

although they seem fake,
i hold on to every last one
decoding your every move
trying to make it count
i live off your eyes
your smile
and rare wink
i soak it all up
trying to make it love
as i think harder and harder
reality laughs
oh my you stupid girl. this will never be love. you're just fooling yourself. wake up, of course he does not love you
and in that moment i realize he doesn't
rumors spread around
and i know i am one of the many
to be "loved" by you
you're great at pretending
you know, i might've actually cared there for a while

it all hurts
and i am stabbing my heart with my own words
you have the others
won't that be enough?
you surely don't need me too

light blue stretches in my mind
the houses dark
almost empty looking
the air cold
and my muscles too tight
a slight pain in my heart
and my head full with regret
orange streams back in as i step into the house
the smell of a sweat and stale cheerios fills my nose
a deep red soaks into my brain as I reach the top of the stairs
the dark room and couch all add with
the warm air, and smell of chili powder to sum it up
i will fall asleep again with orange
green text bubbles and repetition of my lock screen
x-small shirt and ***** carpet
leaves me once again with orange
orange, orange, orange
i get discouraged as my days end like this
where is the blue
the brightness that excites me
and shows in my eyes
but all i get, night after night
orange, orange, orange

as my worlds collide
i shake my head
my words jumble
and i find small lies laced
on the curves of the letters
disappointment settles in my stomach
and i feel sick
i change for all these people
why do i even care this much?
the thought tears through my head
taking everything over
i can't even escape my own head

i fixed you
patched you with everything i had
even if that meant pouring out my heart into your hands
you have it now
do you feel better?

i almost become sick as the list grows in my head
oh my god is all i can think
leaning over my bed, i try to turn back time
twirling my hair
jumping up and down
pressing my temples
back, back, back i cry
over and over
i cannot live this anymore
reality laughs
oh you silly, silly girl it laughs
*you can't go back this time

i breath in
and open my eyes
another orange day it'll be
the lines are too straight
the walls too *****
air too hot
surface too cold
all adds up to the orange that crawls beneath my skin
blue finally comes
at the sound of laughter
so rich and full
goldfish and m&m;'s
scattered among the table
hands warm on my knee
i shudder as the orange comes again
the lines too straight
i smell the hot air and the walls are too *****
chair cold as i sit
orange, orange, orange

i get lost in your words
you cover me with blankets of hope
i start to cry, the tears that fall are ones of fright
what is this is just a game?
it won't even matter by the end
so why does it feel like everything now?
i know it's all wrong

i try to imagine you there
knees barely fitting under the desk
hair in a mess of curls
assortment of writing utensils in your right pocket
phone in the other
full smile
shining eyes
but i am then absorbed by reality
and all that is left is an empty desk

this isn't something that has snuck up behind me
it hasn't been in the back of my mind
or hiding in my shadow
instead it all of a sudden just hit me
and it hit me hard
the sudden realization that you were gone
and although you may have teased me
and taken my things
and laughed at my mistakes
i will miss you
i will miss the simplicity of your words
the interesting array of facts
the early morning conversations about life itself
as i say goodbye
and look in your eyes one last time
something tightens in my heart
and i bite my cheek and study you one last time
the way you walk, your head high
your strong body, moving among the crowd
the curl of your hair, crazy and untamed
but in all of it, it is your presence i will miss
i regret not realizing this sooner
and all i have left is the memory of your last head nod in my direction
your dark eyes, and small smile
the last wave of your hand
before you turned and disappeared

it's amazing how one's words can add up
the feeling so great
almost magical.
you reread all of them
over and over
soaking up every last feeling
and finally when i cant stop the smile on my lips
i am left grinning at your words
heart full
mind lost
just happy

As you continue to push on,
You learn about yourself
The people you trust
The things that make you cry
The way you handle a situation
And as you push and push and push
You break
Your wrists become weak
Your hands red and raw
Your scars deep
But through all of it
You find the urge
You don't let your tears fall
You don't let yourself be seen
You find a way to pretend

with his touch i feel as though
nothing could be more perfect
make this much sense
fell this good
but i find just in another's words
i may feel this same way

You've always been so special
The sudden rush in my blood
The warmth to my cheeks
The beat of my heart
I never really knew
But ****, you really are
The mystery of your words
The silence from your lips
The look in your eye
It kills me
And I know you'll forever be special in my heart
No matter what
I've always loved you

it all kind of hurt
but it wasn't the way he swore to me
or the way he was angered by my words
or the fact that he cried
but the way he hurt him
the words he said to make him yell
the actions that made him retaliate
the threats that made his face fall
that is what hurt most
that's what sent tightness to my heart
that's what made me cringe
and that's the closest a tear has come to spilling over on my cheeks
i will never let it, spill over
show how i feel
but it was close
you should just know that part
it hurt me to know i hurt you
and nothing has ever hurt so bad

the good thing is,
nobody has to know what i mean
nobody has to understand the exact metaphor
or know my story.
they can make their own

I want it so bad it hurts
I don't even know how I feel
So confusing yet so wonderful
So painful yet so delighting
This is so hard to do
"Please just pick some way"
I plead to my heart
It laughs
Just as I expected
Can't be that easy
Life has to be hard
Thats what makes it life

i am safe
for i am with myself
none to see me
touch me
read me
i fall
asleep under the stars
almost wishing for less
maybe
it would be easier
to only depend on one
goodnight's for special use
hello's for a smile
i love you's for a reminder
i am lost
lost at sea, if you will
the sharks stay surrounding me
and i can always see a small sliver of land
but i know somehow
i will never wash up along the beach
because i am lost
not to be found
or saved
just lost

in and out i fall
blinded
tired
scared
i frown as my words contradict themselves
confusing me
i look at the damage
i fall
and become lost in the world of insanity
i did anyways...
and i visit often now
to see what i was
to know who i still may be

it puzzles me the way he can continue
it only takes him a moment
before he is back to himself
makes me sad
i know he needs more than this
i try not to picture it all
it hurts
can't even imagine how much he is hurting

Guilt crawls under my skin
And bites at my toes
It pulls at my hair
And tickles my nose
It all builds inside
No matter how hard I try
I need to let it go
But I can't seem to cry
So it builds and builds inside me
Making me feel trapped
I guess this is just how it will be

I look back on these times,
When I seem to be the happiest
My hair in a mess, and clothing,
limited to t-shirts and warm-up pants
I was surrounded by my family
And ones I used to call friends
Being tickled, or teased
But it never bothered me then
The harmless jokes, and constant laughter
Kept me healthy
It kept me happy...
Now I am left with nothing
My hair straight and perfect
Clothing always in order
Surrounded by new friends
You would think it may all be perfect
But as I look back,
I knew those captured moments
Show me actually happy

I pretend for a moment it isn't me
These aren't my feelings or actions
These aren't my problems or worries
As I stare at the mess
I expect a tear to come
After all, I've done this all
But in the end, no tears come
And I am left angry

When you really observe
It's almost a shock
You gasp, and can't stop looking
Looking for explanations
Looking for anything
To help you erase it from your mind

in the moment
i was almost embarrassed
to reach out to hold something
that doesn't want to be held
to speak to something,
that doesn't want to be spoken to
i try to push it away
and act like nothings wrong
but i can't get it out of my mind

i can see the little boy he used to be
bright smiles, always laughing
and it makes me smile
the way his cheeks reddened when he was happy
and the way he spoke
i can see how easy life was
how much he was loved
now as i stare into this new boy's eyes
i see pain
he sits silently
he is mysterious, and quiet
i know deep down he is still that little boy
i wish i could find him in there somewhere

i bury my face deep into the pillows
and as i inhale memories fill my mind.
the sudden feeling of safety.
like i all of a sudden know that it's going to be okay
and even if it's not
i can still hide myself
within these pillows.

a new feeling brews inside of me
makes me feel sick
makes me feel hurt
but when it all comes together at the end of a long day
i'm angry
angry that you would even think about that
angry you don't care enough to stop
angry at you

walls are crashing down
caving in on top of me
and the weight of the world finally crushes me
breaking my bones
flattening dreams
i look up and and anger replaces my tears
how have i let them bring me here

memories haunt me
and stay in my head
there is no way to erase them
so stuck forever they stay
in my head, in my computer, in scars on my heart
i don't want these memories
they scare me
remind me of places i have been
the person i was

it feels all wrong
but all right at the same time
it kills me though
and i almost want to cry
it's all my fault
but you know it's true
and you know i'm right
and that's what hurts the most...

i hide it away
even scared myself
i jump as he grabs me
i pull myself in tighter
curling into a ball
the world cannot hurt me here
they can't even see me

come here darling
i'll wipe your fallen tears
i'll hug you tight enough that your pieces fit back together
i never knew you were broken

my stomach does backflips,
but it isn't butterflies.
i cringe as he continues.
i wish he would stop talking,
then i could think straight.
get his face out of my mind.