i fall into nightmares,
only to be abruptly pulled from them
into a wave of crazy love
where your arms are around me,
and you whisper soft words into my ear
making me smile insanely.

i feel like i have let you in.
i haven't used specific words,
but i can just feel you,
in my brain,
like someone else,
knows the secrets that live in my head.

i have let myself trust you
and i don't believe that this is a mistake,
i believe your sweet words,
and cherish every grin off your lips
and i truly think that your love is true.

i have given you this power,
the kind of power to destroy me.
but there is no turning back,
because i'm truly head over heels,
crazy about you

there is this girl that you may know
you see her in the hall,
on the field
and at the mall.
you see her smiling
but never crying
for she doesn't let tears slip,
and you never hear her sighing.
most people think she's crazy,
a few call her a friend
she's seems loud and angry
but she'll stick with you 'til the end.
she has this amazing guy in her life,
he's handsome and so sweet
she feel's incredibly lucky,
and without him she'd feel incomplete
this girl i write about is me
and all of this is true.
my life is fairly simple,
and i truly do love you.

i'm not really sure if this counts,
but as i remember,
the soft words spoken.
i know that it was indeed real,
and i have my reasons.
i have built my walls up again,
to keep this from happening,
but new words,
tap softly at all of the bricks,
and i'm afraid of falling

memories overflow in my head
and almost spill tears out of my eyes,
like flooded city streets.
i swallow hard,
and close my eyes momentarily.
freely, freely, freely
her voice echoes through my mind.
i keep the secrets dark inside me,
and cover them up with the positives.
i can't let it overcome me,
or it will destroy me all over again.
i shudder, and chills run up my back,
as i wrap my arms tightly around me.
it's over now.

my dreams filled with you still haunt me.
they fill my night visions,
and eat up my freeness from thought about you.

my dreams,
are my thoughts.
just simplified into one picture.
although i use the word "simplified"
they are not what a person would call simple.
everything from broken hearts,
to endless tears,
to homeless children,
to hovercrafts that fill the blue sky.
secretly hurting?
feeling lucky?
futuristic?
i'm not always sure what they tell me,
but they do help me organize my thoughts,
so in the end,
i thank my dreams.
they tell me things that i could not begin,
to explain myself

he surprises me with certain words,
that make my stomach fill with butterflies.
he makes me smile ear to ear.
his soft words, like sweet sugar,
brightening my untrusting heart.

i keep this photo close
to remember when love was still new
when i shined bright in your eyes
and you looked for me along other faces.
now i wish for your eyes,
and beg for any words from your lips.
i hope that somewhere deep inside,
you still have love for me,
and that you won't break my heart.
you have the ability to,
because darling, i will easily call myself crazy about you.
is this my fault?
do i not love you enough?
maybe i'm just greedy,
but i soak up every ounce
of your soft words
and cherish them like you wouldn't believe.

when you seem uninterested,
tired, bored and mad,
i wish i could make you understand
so i wouldn't be so extremely sad.

i trust that you mean what you say
and that you care about me
but i can't help but notice
that you don't text first or talk 'til three.

i miss who we used to be,
but i love that you speak sweetly now,
and every so often hug me tight,
just know that i really love you so

anger overcomes me
in the midst of being madly in love.
****, this really *****.
it eats away at me, and all of a sudden tears are about to spill over.
i want to feel you arms around me,
and your warm lips pressed against my forehead,
but at the same time,
you won't even say hello,
or acknowledge my existence.
love you too...

dictionary:
the daughter of a young monarch : not quite
a close female relative of monarch, especially a son's daughter : nope
the wife or widow of a prince : not even close
the female ruler of a small state : still a no
a spoiled or arrogant young woman : oh... maybe this is more what you were referring to.
in order to call me a princess,
you must stop acting like a dictator
ordering me around,
and demanding respect.
i hate to break it to you,
but i have no contract saying that i must respect you.
i will respect you, and stop my "princessness"
when you respect me, and act like an adult.
thanks...

it's the things like this that strike me the most,
a simple conversation between two humans,
yet so powerful.
person 1:  why are you so mean?
person 2:  because the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don't even have one

now, as i realize this is just a dumb tumblr picture,
i laugh a bit,
but then stop as i realize this may describe me.
quite well actually.

you've proven to be there for me,
even when i am a mess of tears and guilt in the middle of the night.
just simply a sorry from you, can help me feel better.
but because of past experiences,
i am scared to let you see inside of me.
it was easy when i called you bestie and loved you like a brother,
but now, i feel a strong love for you.
the kind where i smile for no reason but the fact that i can call you mine,
and the kind that when i catch you staring, i blush like crazy.
the kind of love where every love song can put your face in my head,
and where kisses you place gently on my forehead make my heart swell.  

i realize that if i want this kind of love,
i have to open myself,
i have to be my semi-******, clumsy, imaginative self around you.
i have to share my feelings, and let you love me.
but if i let you see me, and let you love me,
i have to also give you the ability to destroy me.
and that is what scares the hell out of me.
knowing that at any moment, you could make me cry
you could tell my secrets to the world,
you could break my heart.
break me entirely.

i honestly don't hate them all
i just hate the way they make me feel,
hate the way they treat each other
and how they act so dumb.
it makes me cringe, makes me cry,
makes me build these walls.
i'm really just a wimp.
scared of the truth, and friendship,
which by dictionary definition means:
a state of mutual trust.
now that's the part that scares me.
the ability to trust another to not spill your secrets,
the ability to trust that somebody won't hurt you,
or push you down.
in the process of "branching out"
fear and confusion eats at me,
but i have to let it go.
i don't hate them all.
i can't

funny how just words from an unrelated song
can make you think so much about past, and future
current unhappiness of the situation
past happiness.
can make the situation awkward,
when you know you're all thinking the same thing.
when you know that everyone sees the gap,
sees the large **** in all of the normal.
but until we can agree to stop pretending,
we'll all continue on this path,
always reassuring everyone that it's all normal

finally
when i can't think of a reason to hate,
or a reason to cry
i can just smile.
i can realize finally
that my past is my past
and people can't hurt me if i don't let them.
he can't see inside of me anymore,
he can't touch my skin,
or persuade me with his words.
he is gone from my life.
and now, i thankfully have you
who won't be the cause of my tears,
who won't promise forever only to let me down
who won't "love" me
but will just love me

hoping in a way to cleanse my soul
i let the words flow through me like a river
sending hope for future from my head to the tips of my toes
this is where i'm happy
this is where i know in my heart
that i'm pleased with myself
and how i live in this moment

i trust that you won't break me.
i trust that you won't lie.
i trust that you mean all your words.
and that you won't make me cry.

right here inside of me
i know that this trust is true
and i just want you to know
that i truly mean it when i say that i love you

i guess friends to me
are the people i trust enough
to not ask me who i really am

i don't wear my heart on my sleeve,
or beat around the bush.
i don't let you fool me,
or pretend i like you when i don't.
i don't ask your favorite color,
or hug you everyday.
knowing this now,
will you still say you love me,
each and every night?
knowing this
will you still hold the girl,
who keeps her heart in a locked box,
in the fear of it being broken?
knowing this,
would you still hug the girl,
who hides her secrets deep,
in fear of letting too much out?
knowing this,
will you still truly love me,
the way i always thought you did before?

i have these different people,
that all live inside of me.
and i wait and wait for the day when just one does.
when i have one heart,
the same wishes,
one vision,
all hope,
but today several still interchange everyday.
i can't be an author, an athlete, and an admirer of botanists.
i can only be an athlete for an hour
then at night, an author,
and from 12-2 an admirer.
when will the many people combine so i can just be one?
so i can be all.
so i can finally be all of me,
all at once.

only 5 words,
yet 5 thousand couldn't begin to explain.
the intent of these words is to remind someone,
but i think really we are looking for something else.
reassurance i presume.
so, when there is no response,
one tries to hide the brokenness they feel inside.
this feeling is technically irrelevant,
because one knows it means nothing,
but some humans have the tendency
to overthink all things in their life.
take me for example,
taking the time to write this poem

i am stuck here.
wrapped in the stupidity of the unforgiving world.
i grasp on to every word, laced with hope,
and i hide things inside me to keep myself from crumbling.
my happiness radiates like a bright ray of sunshine,
and my sadness falls into the shadows, thankfully unnoticed.
i live in this world to be here.
i happily eat up all inspiration
and hope to be the bright blue of somebodies orange filled day.
my life like the seasons,
i am unsure of how long it will last,
and winter always turns into spring eventually,
but creatures die in the winter
and i'll die too one day

i'm not exactly sure why i hide certain parts of myself from some people.
i guess i'm just giving myself a secret to keep.
it keeps me sane,
and makes me feel like i still know something about myself
that the world doesn't have to.
they always figure it out though...

i fall recklessly out of reality
as quickly as i face plant into it,
stuck somewhere between truth
and my constant dreaming.
oh why? i ask my large imagination
do i constantly let you wander?
it leads me to dangerous tunnels of regret
where i am trapped in the black nothingness
of pain i have unsuccessfully tried to heal
"keep it simple" he orders
and as true as i know it is
i can't bring myself to listen to his words
so once again i lay here
overthinking every small part of my messy life
once again relying on a blank page
to cure my constant thought build up
that digs and scratches from inside me

if only
i could get ****** into a time traveling tornado
that could bring me back to you

if only
i could have realized how truly important
you could have been to me

if only
you were here once more
whispering soft words of wisdom in my ear

this being is hurting
i can see it in every move
from it's glossy eyes
to the sighs that follow each motion.
a façade is put up every morning,
to hide the truth that this being is in fact,
broken.
every time it breaks more,
i reach out to fix it.
now, i have realized,
that is not possible.
no matter how hard i try,
there is only one thing that can save this soul,
and it for sure is not my words.
i hold tears deep inside me,
so i don't make this harder.
i hope that happiness from outside sources
will help this creature.
help to rebuild them, change them.
help them to start again.

there's one person
who won't let me down,
who will always be on my side,
who will love me no matter what.
that one person
is my true best friend,
my hero,
the one i'll always look up to.
i only have one person in my life like that,
so naturally i depend, love and value them
i guess i didn't always see it
but the more people let me down,
change and pressure me,
i realize how important this one person is
and always will be

it is oddly empty.
a large pocket
with nothing but broken memories laying inside.
a strong smell that lingers
makes something in my heart tingle
and guilt makes it's way to my head
where i am left laying thinking for hours
trying to fix what will always be broken
it's too late now
"just focus on the happy things" he says
and as always he is right
so my mind wanders to you
and happy at last, i may rest
until light of tomorrow's struggle will awake me

i guess i never thought it would get this far
that it would actually change.
for my whole life i've thought of it,
but looking back at nights filled with tears while i "sleep"
and words thrown around
and uneasy glances
i know you can only pretend for so long.
somewhere during the act
it gets to a point where you get stuck in the process of making others happy.
while doing this you become so terrible unhappy
that you crumble.
you break.
you destroy yourself.
i hope you can save yourself before you break.
i know you're broken,
and it hurts me because i know the truth.
you do this for me, you are breaking for me
i cannot see you break anymore.
you can't crumble,
because when you break, i do

and for a few moments i forget
forget the recent events that stay stuck in my head
by listening to your soft words
forget the sad smell that lingers
by burying my head into your chest
shivers up my spine disappear
and i feel safe in your arms
the mess i will have to face as night finally falls
is forgotten while i'm here with you
if only, if only you could just stay forever

i hear a series of clicking noises
as i look around, my eyes scan smiling people
and i can see my future in the horizon
and i realize those aren't just clicking noises,
it is my life
finally falling into place
a smile comes without being forced,
opportunities sprout up
and i am just genuinely happy.
although, there are still pieces
that will never quite fit together
and things will never exactly be alright,
i have other things to keep me here
i guess some things just never work out

my whole world becomes colorless
my whole organization system shatters
i quickly glance in your direction and catch your eyes
white.
like a blank page this color fills my mind
maybe it shows you are a new start
hope fills inside me
and my cheeks get hot every time our eyes meet
i have to let go of things, to have room for the new
and although i didn't see this new coming
i let go of all old regret to create room for new memories
with you

silence rings between us
but it isn't the bad kind of awkward silence.
i laugh a little
and my cheeks turn pink
"what?" he says, a smile spreading across his lips
"nothing, just happy" i say grabbing his arm
as i float through today
unable to stop grinning
i am amazed that although one person can make you so utterly unhappy
a different person can make you feel so amazingly blissful

as she calls out to me
i hope i don't show how i actually feel
good thing i'm on the other side
i smile and pleasantly offer words of "wisdom"
oh friend, i stammer
that sounds just wonderful
but while saying this
the jealousy confuses me
oh boy i think nervously
i cannot fall
i cannot feed into it
this is a friend
while inside i just say
*sorry girl, it's just how things will be

i get stuck between the moments i lay sleeping
and moments when i'm half awake.
in these suddenly often occurring
i wonder how much of it is real
and then i wonder how much of it i see only in my imagination.
these moments confuse me,
startle my brain,
make me wake up
to wonder how long until the two will be the same
and my dreams will just be horrifying reminders
of my past

as my life seems to unfold
simplicity as unusual as it seems to me, comes upon my thoughts
i don't feel as though there is something i should be hiding
and the stupid reason usually in the back of my head,
the one that stops me from smiling
is non-existent.
my mind is clear
and satisfaction hits me in a waves
finally happy,
i lie back,
ready for the rest of my life to begin

somehow we manage to remain
day by day
week by week
month by month
this continues
breaking a little more as every door slams
and every true opinion is voiced
we break as a whole a little bit more
and fall closer to the edge.
i'm ready to fall though,
i have always seen it coming

a place of safety? he wonders
and i don't hesitate to answer.
well my mother's bed
something about it, i continue
the way the comforter never attaches to the foot
and the sheets wrinkle into folds of security
the smell as i breathe deep into the pillows
unchanged no matter the location
makes my tears subside little by little
soaking up thoughts of regret
and provides a feeling no human could give
well, besides my mother of course.
a feeling of overwhelming safety, all in my mother's empty bed

maybe this should be the day to start forgetting
forget about this perfect dream  that i wish and wish to come true
forget about this craziness that we have created between the two of us
forget about the things we thought we had

but as much as i know that we will have to let go one day
your words of wisdom still fill the minutes between midnight and 3 a.m
and the perfection of your existence
and the way you understand the things i hide from the world
makes it so much harder

i know this will never work
i know it's all just a silly dream
but a silly dream i don't want to let go of

and as the feelings grow,
and the conversations become more real,
i realize that when finally letting go
these memories will make it harder

Unhappiness washes over me,
in a terrible wave of overwhelming agony
I can see it
Even taste it
Hear it in the toneless voices spoken
Smell it on the clothing worn by the undetected broken ones  
I feel alone in knowing this
Our whole life you have built for us
Is slowly crumbling into rubble dusted with regret,
strewn among a barren land of twisted memories
Our story is coming to an end
Yet some of us try to hold on
Grasp on to every last bit of positive feeling
that is given by the words off her lips
Hugging tighter
Looking to gain a trusty allie
But before we end
We must realize that
Wherever our story may finish
We will start new ones
And build two shining cities
Among the rubble
Where happiness can be spotted between them
Even though, they no longer are identified as one

when waiting,
don't you have to be sure that there is something to wait for?
what if you are stuck waiting for a train that never comes,
or a dream that will never come true,
or a lover that will never love you?
would you still wait?
would you waste your time?
because i can say,
that i would not.
hop on a plane,
dream bigger,
and find somebody that loves you back.
don't be stuck waiting,
because as you look back,
you don't want to realize
that you spent one hundred percent of your life waiting,
and no time really living

happy.

we live our whole lives in the hopes of a life filled with happiness.
sometimes, we do things to make one another happy.
sacrifice our own for another's happiness.
but as soon, as our own happiness,
gets eaten up by the endless hope of others to feel untroubled
it becomes a bit harder to be happy ourselves.
spending days and days on end,
years and years making the ones around you happy
you start to dislike yourself.
when you change, and pull yourself apart,
being who they want you to be,
when they want you to be it,
you lose yourself.
when you can't even look in the mirror,
and smile at your reflection.
when you can't even speak to somebody,
without changing what you really think.
when you can't even live how you want to,
just to make somebody else happy,
you are unhappy.

sometimes it hurts so much more
to see somebody else hurting.
their tears, send knives into your heart.
their small remarks, making you cringe.
their regrets, send guilt through your blood.
what makes you hurt the most though,
is to realize they play this game for you.
they continue for you.
push on through hate and unhappiness,
all for you to be happy.

i need to get over it
it's been a few weeks
it won't happen again
and i don't want it to.
just have to let it go
but again...
easier said than done

used
unimportant
just a phase,
thats what i am.
i know it was you.
coincidences like this just don't happen.
and that's why it hurts.
i fall in and out of anger and sadness,
but i know its not her fault.
i also know that she feels similar
so in a way it is.
i don't even know

my unimportance to you
only makes me crave it more
and i soak up those long responses
and the smallest things can make my cheeks rosy.
i sometimes like the way you don't seem to care
and the constant need for more.
makes me appreciate the special moments more.
at the end of this i am realizing
you probably make all of them feel like this
nobody is special in your world.
but you have this certain way.
you can make one feel incredible.
you build them up with your sweet comments,
your short stares.
but as secrets spill,
and your ways become revealed.
my walls come crashing down,
yet i still long for those things.
cheeks rosy, and heart fluttering,
i wonder how you do it

i almost half hope to be back in that place
where it was all normal
it felt okay
the stares weren't awkward
and conversations were long
i still see you like that,
even though i know i have to stop
it was important
and everything we had was meaningful
well you live and you learn i guess
that includes all of the missing
and wishing
and hoping for something else
the thing with life is that it has no rewind button
no retry
you don't get a second chance
so you become familiar
with the regret
the constant wishing and hoping
unfortunately

i am overwhelmed
by how much i underestimated
it makes me feel badly
the way i thought before
i never knew this side of you

words make me smile
and the blue is overwhelming
memories stream back in
and i know this is for the best
at least i now feel better
i missed these words
and although they are not the same
you still make me feel the blue
and i know i may never see the red of your kitchen
or feel the red softness of your sweatshirt
or notice the way you smell early in the morning
at least i can still think about you
know that i once called you my own
have the memories
and at least you know
how i feel
even though i know you don't feel the same at all

i was stuck in the idea of perfection
stuck in the promises
promises of happy ever after
as "perfect" seemed to cast a shadow over my life
i smiled
and relaxed
i was shown the extreme
but to me it seemed normal
i ate it up
and it made me fall
i was trapped
suffocated
my whole life was turned around and then turned back again
i was lost,
confused
but i knew i was still supposed to be happy
how could something so wonderful, make me so sad?
it all ended
and i now can finally say i am truly happy at times
although it is done
and my life now seemingly simple once again
i still have memories sometimes
that make me cringe
make me wish and wish for more
for it again