You stared at me and slowly said
"You are just like your mother"
With your finger pointing in my face
Then you stepped back
Leaned up against the counter
Crossed your arms over your chest and looked satisfied

You wanted the words to cut me
To hurt me
To break my heart
To make me feel like I hurt you as much as she did

But what you didn't realize
Is that my mother is everything I ever hope to be
My mother is my greatest inspiration
My best friend

So when you said
"You are just like your mother"
A tear rolled down my cheek
Not because I was hurt
Because it was the greatest compliment I would ever get

As I look around me,
everything is you.

The childish paintings on my wall,
and half of the t-shirts in my drawer.
One of the pillows on my bed,
and the bracelet on my wrist.
The gifts I got you for our anniversary,
never to be opened or cherished by you.
Your birthday in my calendar,
and your words in my head.
Every **** picture and video on my camera roll,
and even my underwear,
whose patterns match those of yours.

I'm surrounded by you still,
and it makes this utterly impossible.

You and I function like a seesaw
on a children's playground.

When I am on top of the world,
you are at your lowest point.
Crying and sputtering words.
Hope and desperation etched in your voice,
like the initialed heart carvings on the swing sets nearby.

And when I hit my low,
alone in my room feeling nothing but sorry for myself,
you rest.
Happy that I too,
fall down sometimes.

The balance is what I yearn for.
I so badly wish that we could sit with our legs
just barely brushing the wood chips below.

When level,
we could both disembark from this see saw
and embrace to look for somewhere else to be.
The swings, perhaps.

this is a textbook moment
ask the question or you'll regret it
i never realized how hard this could be
for it all to be gone in a second

i couldn't even reach it if i ran
i'm utterly helpless
all i can do is beg
my hands shake

i am quickly reassured
but how do you know it's true?
why would i say those words,
to such a fragile soul?
think, you idiot

i can't take them back so
i must explain.
i trip over my words like a nervous child
but it works

i finally hang up the phone
and realize i've been holding my breath for an hour
i exhale and return

"there's only one cure for your wounds"
he says with a wink
my throat burns but i smile
it's okay

Caught between two distinctly different worlds
I  drown in my thoughts
I finally look up and his mouth is moving
But I can't hear

Everyone speaks the language
But I don't understand it

I move through the minutes
Because what else would I do?

My new life feels like a constant countdown
I find myself at times forgetting though

New people hold my hand like an old friend
And offer their bed willingly for little sleep
I reach out
But quickly retract

Where am I anyways?

Some days I curse his name until I rest
And others I call him in the middle of the day so he doesn’t take his life
He is hurting
Deep down he really is
His heart breaks
But it’s his hands that shatter it
So he is silenced

I try not to think about him
For I begin to feel guilty
Guilty for being the reason he needs help
Guilty for staying true to myself
Guilty for not being who he wants me to be

And then I begin to feel angry
Angry that he tore apart my life
Angry that he acts like he didn’t
Angry that he is everything a father should not be

Yet I am silenced too

For he is broken
Sleeping and dreaming of a life
A life he didn’t ruin

He keeps guns close
So I must keep him close enough

as a child, i believed that the world was a good place.
i believed that only people in movies could lie so much
and that things don't actually "happen like that".
i believed that the world had good people.


believing in all that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made.
and it only took one person to prove to me that all of those beliefs were completely untrue.

the world is full of liars and cheaters.
but these liars and these cheaters, don't get in trouble for lying or cheating, but sometimes even get rewarded. they are granted with things like money or a new house or even a brand new family.

movies are created because there are true stories behind them. people can't "make things up" because terrible things happen in our society everyday. people leave, people die, people cry, people steal and ****. movies sometimes do show that things "happen like that". they may even "happen like that" right under your own roof and maybe, you didn't even see it coming.

in my mind, people are bad, unless they do something good.
i used to think this was pessimism but now i consider it safety.
i used to think that this certain man that i knew was the greatest man on earth. he held me on his shoulders, so strong, and blessed me with his words, so wise and showered me with his love, so plentiful. until one day, he didn't feel like it anymore. and then he left me without. i don't really remember those days, but i see pictures where the smile on my face can only show how freely he gave his love. but giving love is a choice. and now he chooses to give it to someone else.

as a child, i guess i wasn't all that smart.
i believed that this world was a safe place, free of liars and cheaters and bad people. i believed that movies were telling fictional stories and that people were so good and pure. but i was wrong and now it haunts me when i sleep, and even more when i wake up.

you first spotted me up there on the shelf
shiny and new to your eyes.
you smiled at my glory
and took me carefully in your hands.
you brought me home with you
and on your face was the biggest smile that i thought the world had ever seen.
after a while,
you remembered i was only a toy.
you had me in your hand already
and you could do with me,
whatever your heart desired.
you made me feel special at first,
as if i was the only toy you had ever wanted,
as children do.
i smiled and felt so important,
until i was thrown into your toy box.
i looked around in disbelief,
tears in my eyes,
as other toys surrounded me.
in your heart, you felt just as much love for them,
as you did for me.
at some time or another,
the glow was no longer in your eyes when you looked at me.
i was *****,
i was old.
i fell deeper and deeper into your toy box,
until i hit the wood at the bottom.
these are the toys you no longer play with,
the ones you have forgotten.

he makes you feel special,
like you are the only one,
until you realize,
that it was the biggest lie.

he promises to heal,
he promises to patch up all your wounds,
he promises to pick you back up,
and cradle you in his loving arms.

then,
he is gone.
a distant memory,
an old friend.

so what to do? what to do?
cry yourself to sleep,
smash a plate onto the ground.
pretend that you don't care.

your mind says,
leave him
block him out
forget

you convince yourself finally,
that you don't need him,
that you are okay on your own,
that he meant nothing.

and he's back,
wrapping his arms around you,
promising, promising, promising
and you believe every word

and when he leaves again,
leaving you crying,
****** knees,
and an aching heart.

call yourself a fool,
cry for a moment,
and get back up,
all on your own.

be stronger than the person he made you,
show him that things will indeed be okay without him.
you are tough.
you are strong.

i long for something more.
i want a rush,
my heart to pound in my chest.
i want the music to blast in my ears,
and for the time to fly.
i want to wake up with a smile on my face,
in the same clothes as the night before.
i wanna pretend that i don't feel so scared,
and that i'm not so fragile.
just for one night,
i want to pretend like i don't have the responsibility,
like i can just be,
without thinking about what or how to be.

he reaches his hands out and picks me up,
"do you hate me?" he questions, trying to wipe my tears away before i retreat.
"i don't not love you" i say after moments of silence.
his head drops.
i leave our house, only returning when i am sure he is not there.
a month later i still have not spoken to him,
but back we go.
for more heartbreaks and lies.
it's finally over,
i can leave this house,
and find a place to call home.
and it will be home,
even without him.

days blend together,
and suddenly,
my life becomes a scramble of moments,
rather than a sequence of events.

no matter how much i need him,
i must not pick up the phone.

for tomorrow,
i will regret it.

when the sun rises,
all will be okay.

true love,
is supposed to last.

he said that he did not love her.
but i know that he does.

that's why we ran back so quickly,
although i walked slowly behind the others.

his lies don't fool me,
i know about her.

he must think i am clueless,
for he still believes i'm okay.

i wonder if he believes i will enter his new life.
i won't even look into his face.

this smile i have could fool the world,
and i'm glad it fools him too.

for without it,
he would be too ashamed to stay in this house.

homes are for people who love,
houses are for ones who pretend they're okay.

my family lives in a house,
that will never be a home.

people who really love,
do not turn away.

they think,
before being overcome.

i may have popped into his head,
while he "shopped"

but only for a second,
until he chose what was most important.

himself.

i don't think i have ever said sorry,
or looked at him since then.
it remains a secret to the world,
i forget sometimes too.
until his face appears,
or hers.
and something in my heart hurts,
so much that i swallow my words
and look away.
nobody can understand what it was.
dumb love, people say
among teenagers.
but dumb love doesn't last years,
but can be counted in days.
my heart still hurts

as i turn the corner,
i draw in a deep breath.
it smells like something good will happen.
the way the light hits the floor,
and the emptiness of the quiet hall.
something good is coming.

i always try to think of someone.
one without a flaw,
one without a secret,
one without pain.
but no matter how far you look,
there will always be flaws and secrets and pain.

i want to know everyone's story.
i want to know why their parents got divorced,
why they wear that necklace around their neck,
or how their husband died.

flaws, secrets and pain, are things that like to hide,
behind our bold, confident selves,
because the pressure of society is too scary.

people need to love their flaws,
and tell their secrets,
and show their pain.

because flaws and secrets and pain should not be hidden.
these things make us human.
we are becoming less and less human as we wear masks to hide who we are.

don't dye your hair,
it's okay that you made a mistake,
and cry when you need to,
for those are the things,
that remind us we are only human.

and when everyone's door is shut
and i'm too afraid to knock,
i turn to the words to soothe.

his apparent laugh makes me shiver
and the sorry does not sound real.
i know he loves, i know he cares
but this is not a game i'm playing.

it scares me so much to feel like this
so telling you was my only choice.
i cannot formulate a sentence,
stumbling over the embarrassment.

if you are not happy,
leave for i will not rush to make you happy.
i feel sick to my stomach at the thought,
and need to knock on someone's door.

i miss her like a friend would,
her oblivion helpful to me.
she wouldn't dare to tell anyone for she ate up secrets like a child on Halloween.

he wouldn't get it,  he would scold, she would laugh it off.

someone to listen, and tell white lies to get me through would be a help.
but there are gates towering above my door, that nobody wishes to climb.

i was unhappy in ways that i could not explain,
not to you,
not to her,
not to anyone.

so i did what i have done once before,
and it hurt.
regret sinks in quick once you do something bad,
and it lingers like onion on your breath.

i've never loved like that.
the dreams come every night,
the good ones
where i'm wrapped in your arms when it's cold outside
and you shiver and whisper in my ear
you tell me you love me with the biggest smile i've ever seen
and i can't help smiling myself
but when i wake up,
it's a nightmare,
the good dreams are nothing but the past,
and i live in a life
where a lump grows in my throat
when we make eye contact
and i have to look away so i don't cry
a life where i have to watch her hands on your back,
and you roll your head back laughing,
a life where i'm not right next to you holding your hand,
and laughing at your terrible jokes

but this is my nightmare,
one i've created for myself,
one that i can't get rid of,
by sleeping in my mother's bed,
one that i can't even wake up from all

today as i watched you,
the way you looked,
the way you laughed,
the way you stared,
the way you danced,
i couldn't help but miss you
miss you so much that when she said your name i had to look away
miss you so much  that i wanted time to turn back a week or so
missed you so much that i wanted to let you know
missed you so much that i wanted to hold you and never let you go

i've read about it in books,
but would not like to tell about it in my life story.
it's something you cringe at,
but when you're staring at a TV screen.
this is real life,
how can i pretend?
smile my sweetest smile,
and talk my sweetest talk.
but when is it okay to stop?
to yell, to cry, to pound your fists.
bite your cheek, they always say.
but i can taste the blood,
and i need to get it out.

standing strong,
everyone believes it will hold,
maybe they're wrong,
for i hear a different story told.

speaking calm and clear,
until it's all it can take,
i begin to fear,
waiting for the break.

tears on cheeks,
rings on fingers,
happiness peeks,
but never lingers.

smiles leave,
lies are told,
i can barely breathe,
as stories unfold.

i'm not surprised,
as the truth spills,
but all the lies,
they really ****.

don't pretend to love,
we don't want your jokes,
you are no pair of doves,
very different folk.

for the worst, you stay,
i'm telling you, just go,
although it's a new day,
don't come back tomorrow.

i need to be able speak.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.
but i also need to be able to listen.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.

before i gave too much,
i let it pour out of me like a waterfall,
letting them soak it up.
only for them to set it back at my feet in a bucket,
full of my hopeful love.
now,
nervous and waiting,
a stream begins to flow from me,
but i'm having a hard time accepting your waterfall,
for mine is just a mere trickle.

every love song that sounds,
every wedding bell that rings,
every break up,
every tear.
brings us all back.
we sit in silence at dinner,
for i accidentally reminded us all seconds ago with a single word.
she smiles, putting on that face,
for that little boy seated across from me.
we look at him hopefully,
"i gotta ***"
he says,
ungracefully breaking the delicate silence.
he leaves us biting our cheeks,
smiling small,
thinking big.
it's right here,
growing stale once again,
filling up the air.
causing us to inhale the secrets,
we've tried to let go of.
they're clogging up our systems,
drowning us in ourselves,
once again...

he steps out slowly,
squeezing my arm as he goes.
i stand staring into my own eyes,
in the reflection of the glass door as it closes slowly.
warm cheeks,
big grin,
heart pounding,
and happy.

my thoughts swim
in a sea of rhymes,
an ocean full of vocabulary,
puddles full of beautiful language.
it builds and builds.
pictures, stories, memories, hopes, wishes, dreams,
dance in my head for days,
until i can formulate the right string of words,
to put it all together.

i've leaned on the strength of this wall for so long,
believing always,
that i must be as strong.
but one day,
a man comes with a hammer.
he begins to tap on the bricks,
secretly first,
so quiet, nobody hears.
but he starts from the bottom,
for a while nobody notices it's crumbling.
the next time i try to lean on this once strong wall,
it crumbles under my weight,
into a pile of bricks on the ground.
he smashed down that **** wall,
and walked all over it with his big, black boots.
some days, he builds it back up.
he starts to piece it all back together.
just to smash it back down,
again and again,
as if this is all a game.
we watch that wall crumble,
picking up the bricks,
cradling them in our small arms,
trying to patch it up.
but he stands over the sad disaster,
rolls his eyes,
and tells us to get back to work,
fixing the wall again.
he needs to fix that wall.
we may be strong,
but the bricks are too heavy
for us to carry ourselves.

i've been desperately trying to find
a piece of you,
in everything i have left.
in the inhalation of salty air,
behind a camera lens,
through someone else's eyes.
you're missing in my heart,
and don't want to be found.

the world gets so heavy,
that when we finally feel strong enough to hold it up,
we think all the weight is gone.
but actually,
we've just gotten stronger
and it doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
we don't always need to be strong,
it's okay to drop the weights for a while.
rest your body,
rest your mind.
you can't be strong all of the time.

love candles aren't blown out,
love candles burn like crazy, some burn longer than others,
but to blow one out, is a sin.  
i thought our candle would slowly stop burning,
the wax, would harden,
and the flame would trickle away, slowly.
we would be okay,
it wouldn't be a sudden burst of hurt.
the flame flickered quick, once.
and you took a huge breath,
and just like the big bad wolf,
you blew the hay, the sticks and the bricks,
to the ground.
they fell down around me as i cried.
you blew out the love candle,
while i was still trying to keep it burning.

that "goodnight",
felt a bit like our goodbye.

you say it's so bad,
he teases me with a smile.
you get a little mad,
he stays for a while.

you beg and you cry,
he smirks with a wink.
you pretend and you lie,
he makes my cheeks pink.

you made me believe,
he loved me like crazy.
i think i should to leave,
this is becoming a bit hazy.

my minds all a blur,
extremely confused,
you go with her,
and my hearts a bit bruised
but i need you to leave,
i need to believe,
there is something more than hopeless love,
i want something new, kind of.

i was ready
i was smiling
i was happy
even excited.
this darkness,
and change of the clock,
changes me.
i feel as though i am too tired,
too dumb,
too full of hate
to continue in all of this.
of course,
it's the night he isn't here.
"more sleep"
he says, laughing
"not gonna happen"
i reply
he is not here tonight
he's never really here
but our here is enough.
please be here

my thoughts a little crazy,
my mind a little hazy.
my eyes tired,
my brain wired.
my smile bright,
my life just right.
for a moment, i don't worry.
i actually feel great.
but then my mind gets blurry,
again, i can't think straight.

love is letting your 100 lb dog sleep at the foot of the bed
and leaving the peanut butter unopened so they can have the first smell.
love is writing notes in lunch boxes,
and waiting up for them to come home.
love is breakfast in bed,
and long hugs.
love is pennies in jars,
and wiping the slobber from an old pup's lips.
love isn't what you see in the movies.
love isn't flawless and "hurt-free".
love is real.
love is the little things.

filled with fury,
i sit.
what to do, what to do.
i want to wake with the sun,
spend a day living like i've always wanted.
climb a mountain so high,
i get a little dizzy at the top.
walk for so long,
my legs ache.
smile so much,
my cheeks burn.
laugh so much,
it's hard to breathe.
and then when the day is done,
i will retire with with the sun,
once and for all,
as it slips below the horizon.

sometimes we get angry
at the places we can't go,
and the people we can't see,
and the songs we don't hear.
but it isn't the place's
or the people's
or the song's fault.
it is simply our own.

her walls begin to crumble,
falling slowly to the dirt.
hammer in hand,
she tries and tries to build it up.
too much hurt in this world.
brick walls held the big bad wolf back, right?
but they can't hold him back.
he smashes through the walls,
twirling her heart about on his finger.
then crying, he huffs and he puffs
but by the hair of her chinny chin chin she lets him in.
he cradles her heart,
in his big hands,
and tears of regret, fill the holes.
but unexpectedly,
he rips open her heart with his broken hands,
and says it was all a lie.
she starts building her walls again,
positivity and loved ones help her.
it will take a while to fix her heart,
but one day she won't need those **** walls.
one day,
she'll be able to live in a house of straw,
and happy and safe, she can be.

don't make your life fit to fairytale standards,
live a life that feels as if you are living your own kind of fairytale

i don't write happy much
but sweet tunes cure my constant aching for the night.
his wonderful voice,
radiates from his mouth,
like honey.
the sweet songs filling me to the top
and i can't help but smile.
a big, big smile that hurts now,
while i lay here in bed.
but it takes the pain from my heart -
it's a good kind of hurt

moments of complete and utter hopelessness
make me feel as though i'm drowning.
completely submerged under life's raging sea.
i gulp for a breath,
one single moment of pure clarity
before being pushed down by reality's strong hands.
harsh, bitter cold life splashes over my face,
and sends me sinking slowly to the bottom.

getting better,
only leads to falling apart.
just like living,
is the first step to dying.

i'm ok
when the sun fills the sky.
i can think clearly,
and laugh.
but as soon as it fades over the horizon
my mind slips away.
i can't process,
and my body gets hot.
what if this,
what if that.
oh darling sun,
please stay.

we're all just waiting here on Earth.
we spend so much time waiting.
waiting to live,
that we waste our chance to live,
on just waiting to die.

the love shines through his eyes,
but tears fall from them too,
for he knows she is blind.
blind to all the love he wants to give.
he's tired of trying.
tired of trying to open her eyes.
she's far gone,
and won't see him again.
won't ever accept his love,
that pours from his heart,
like an angry waterfall.

stuck between
what i want,
what was,
and what is,
i'm in a constant state of hopeless wondering.
this wondering makes my dreams go  crazy.
reality and the pictures that linger in my mind at night,
intertwine like a schoolgirl's braids.
i twirl my locks around my finger,
until i fall into a black pit of darkness,
that lets the thinking stop.
for hours,
i don't have to worry,
i don't have to cry,
i don't even have to think,
i can just be.
and, i lay there being,
for hours at night,
until daylight puts up "wanted" signs,
and drags me out of my happiness,
plopping me into reality,
with a thud.