You stared at me and slowly said
"You are just like your mother"
With your finger pointing in my face
Then you stepped back
Leaned up against the counter
Crossed your arms over your chest and looked satisfied

You wanted the words to cut me
To hurt me
To break my heart
To make me feel like I hurt you as much as she did

But what you didn't realize
Is that my mother is everything I ever hope to be
My mother is my greatest inspiration
My best friend

So when you said
"You are just like your mother"
A tear rolled down my cheek
Not because I was hurt
Because it was the greatest compliment I would ever get

As I look around me,
everything is you.

The childish paintings on my wall,
and half of the t-shirts in my drawer.
One of the pillows on my bed,
and the bracelet on my wrist.
The gifts I got you for our anniversary,
never to be opened or cherished by you.
Your birthday in my calendar,
and your words in my head.
Every **** picture and video on my camera roll,
and even my underwear,
whose patterns match those of yours.

I'm surrounded by you still,
and it makes this utterly impossible.

You and I function like a seesaw
on a children's playground.

When I am on top of the world,
you are at your lowest point.
Crying and sputtering words.
Hope and desperation etched in your voice,
like the initialed heart carvings on the swing sets nearby.

And when I hit my low,
alone in my room feeling nothing but sorry for myself,
you rest.
Happy that I too,
fall down sometimes.

The balance is what I yearn for.
I so badly wish that we could sit with our legs
just barely brushing the wood chips below.

When level,
we could both disembark from this see saw
and embrace to look for somewhere else to be.
The swings, perhaps.

this is a textbook moment
ask the question or you'll regret it
i never realized how hard this could be
for it all to be gone in a second

i couldn't even reach it if i ran
i'm utterly helpless
all i can do is beg
my hands shake

i am quickly reassured
but how do you know it's true?
why would i say those words,
to such a fragile soul?
think, you idiot

i can't take them back so
i must explain.
i trip over my words like a nervous child
but it works

i finally hang up the phone
and realize i've been holding my breath for an hour
i exhale and return

"there's only one cure for your wounds"
he says with a wink
my throat burns but i smile
it's okay

Caught between two distinctly different worlds
I  drown in my thoughts
I finally look up and his mouth is moving
But I can't hear

Everyone speaks the language
But I don't understand it

I move through the minutes
Because what else would I do?

My new life feels like a constant countdown
I find myself at times forgetting though

New people hold my hand like an old friend
And offer their bed willingly for little sleep
I reach out
But quickly retract

Where am I anyways?

Some days I curse his name until I rest
And others I call him in the middle of the day so he doesn’t take his life
He is hurting
Deep down he really is
His heart breaks
But it’s his hands that shatter it
So he is silenced

I try not to think about him
For I begin to feel guilty
Guilty for being the reason he needs help
Guilty for staying true to myself
Guilty for not being who he wants me to be

And then I begin to feel angry
Angry that he tore apart my life
Angry that he acts like he didn’t
Angry that he is everything a father should not be

Yet I am silenced too

For he is broken
Sleeping and dreaming of a life
A life he didn’t ruin

He keeps guns close
So I must keep him close enough

as a child, i believed that the world was a good place.
i believed that only people in movies could lie so much
and that things don't actually "happen like that".
i believed that the world had good people.


believing in all that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made.
and it only took one person to prove to me that all of those beliefs were completely untrue.

the world is full of liars and cheaters.
but these liars and these cheaters, don't get in trouble for lying or cheating, but sometimes even get rewarded. they are granted with things like money or a new house or even a brand new family.

movies are created because there are true stories behind them. people can't "make things up" because terrible things happen in our society everyday. people leave, people die, people cry, people steal and ****. movies sometimes do show that things "happen like that". they may even "happen like that" right under your own roof and maybe, you didn't even see it coming.

in my mind, people are bad, unless they do something good.
i used to think this was pessimism but now i consider it safety.
i used to think that this certain man that i knew was the greatest man on earth. he held me on his shoulders, so strong, and blessed me with his words, so wise and showered me with his love, so plentiful. until one day, he didn't feel like it anymore. and then he left me without. i don't really remember those days, but i see pictures where the smile on my face can only show how freely he gave his love. but giving love is a choice. and now he chooses to give it to someone else.

as a child, i guess i wasn't all that smart.
i believed that this world was a safe place, free of liars and cheaters and bad people. i believed that movies were telling fictional stories and that people were so good and pure. but i was wrong and now it haunts me when i sleep, and even more when i wake up.