you first spotted me up there on the shelf
shiny and new to your eyes.
you smiled at my glory
and took me carefully in your hands.
you brought me home with you
and on your face was the biggest smile that i thought the world had ever seen.
after a while,
you remembered i was only a toy.
you had me in your hand already
and you could do with me,
whatever your heart desired.
you made me feel special at first,
as if i was the only toy you had ever wanted,
as children do.
i smiled and felt so important,
until i was thrown into your toy box.
i looked around in disbelief,
tears in my eyes,
as other toys surrounded me.
in your heart, you felt just as much love for them,
as you did for me.
at some time or another,
the glow was no longer in your eyes when you looked at me.
i was *****,
i was old.
i fell deeper and deeper into your toy box,
until i hit the wood at the bottom.
these are the toys you no longer play with,
the ones you have forgotten.

he makes you feel special,
like you are the only one,
until you realize,
that it was the biggest lie.

he promises to heal,
he promises to patch up all your wounds,
he promises to pick you back up,
and cradle you in his loving arms.

then,
he is gone.
a distant memory,
an old friend.

so what to do? what to do?
cry yourself to sleep,
smash a plate onto the ground.
pretend that you don't care.

your mind says,
leave him
block him out
forget

you convince yourself finally,
that you don't need him,
that you are okay on your own,
that he meant nothing.

and he's back,
wrapping his arms around you,
promising, promising, promising
and you believe every word

and when he leaves again,
leaving you crying,
****** knees,
and an aching heart.

call yourself a fool,
cry for a moment,
and get back up,
all on your own.

be stronger than the person he made you,
show him that things will indeed be okay without him.
you are tough.
you are strong.

i long for something more.
i want a rush,
my heart to pound in my chest.
i want the music to blast in my ears,
and for the time to fly.
i want to wake up with a smile on my face,
in the same clothes as the night before.
i wanna pretend that i don't feel so scared,
and that i'm not so fragile.
just for one night,
i want to pretend like i don't have the responsibility,
like i can just be,
without thinking about what or how to be.

he reaches his hands out and picks me up,
"do you hate me?" he questions, trying to wipe my tears away before i retreat.
"i don't not love you" i say after moments of silence.
his head drops.
i leave our house, only returning when i am sure he is not there.
a month later i still have not spoken to him,
but back we go.
for more heartbreaks and lies.
it's finally over,
i can leave this house,
and find a place to call home.
and it will be home,
even without him.

days blend together,
and suddenly,
my life becomes a scramble of moments,
rather than a sequence of events.

no matter how much i need him,
i must not pick up the phone.

for tomorrow,
i will regret it.

when the sun rises,
all will be okay.

true love,
is supposed to last.

he said that he did not love her.
but i know that he does.

that's why we ran back so quickly,
although i walked slowly behind the others.

his lies don't fool me,
i know about her.

he must think i am clueless,
for he still believes i'm okay.

i wonder if he believes i will enter his new life.
i won't even look into his face.

this smile i have could fool the world,
and i'm glad it fools him too.

for without it,
he would be too ashamed to stay in this house.

homes are for people who love,
houses are for ones who pretend they're okay.

my family lives in a house,
that will never be a home.

people who really love,
do not turn away.

they think,
before being overcome.

i may have popped into his head,
while he "shopped"

but only for a second,
until he chose what was most important.

himself.