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zane May 29
which is why i still haven't brought him up
as much as i explain to her she's gonna read right through me
and we both know i already see it

i know it's bad enough when i've resorted to the notes app

sober me is gonna read this and say
GIRLLLL stand up
4/22/24 at 1am
zane May 29
constant worrying about the future

less panic attacks but easier emotional buildup/breakdown

seeing 2 far into the future/stuck in the present
sadness at the end of every day

REWARD YOURSELF

take the path least suited towards regret
10/12/23 at 9:43am
zane May 29
but would never ask for it
2/16/23 at 4:38pm
zane May 29
but goes to buy crab
gets mad when i don't want to drive
because he doesn't have gas
yet he leaves me out of my own plan
to go get crab with money from dad

needs to pay registration bills
so he asks dad for "help"
realizes he also has to pay renewal for his insurance
plus other things like smog check
ends up being like $500 he doesn't have
aka dad covers him for now
7/23/22 at 11:44pm
zane May 29
mentally ill yesterday
yesterday you were so happy

apparently my dad thinks mental illness has a look
that's what hurt the most

notes from therapist:
rapid cycling
unipolar depression
somatic anxiety
bipolar depression
mood stabilizers?
2/16/22 at 5:28pm
zane May 29
panicked about future and life
i don't feel like i know what i like anymore
i don't think i know what i'm doing
i worry about not being right
i don't understand why i feel so lost with myself
i want to do so many things but don't feel motivated
to get anywhere specific
all my hobbies feel mundane
i don't really feel like i know what i want to do with my life
i don't want to miss out on things i'm supposed to be doing
i feel like i've been going nowhere
stuck in time but pushed forward
how do i know what and where i'm supposed to be
if every place feels boring
i want to make a life for myself that is fulfilling
i don't know what that is for me

i don't know if what i'm feeling is burnt out
lack of inspiration, motivation
i just don't feel like me
1/2/2022 at 10:25pm
zane May 29
it's the 26th of April and I'm having my first cig to myself
on my balcony alone at 10:26pm.
today i had to spend time with neighbors saying their goodbyes to oj.
i think we're petting him down tomorrow.
i'm listening to imagine by john lennon on my headphones lol.
it's a full moon so i'm gonna set some intentions
i am powerful
my voice is heard
new beginnings will find me
i feel loved
money flows to me in abundance
opportunities are coming
i love myself
i release what no longer serves me
i am open to the universe and the divine
i surrender to nature
i am achieving my dreams
4/26/2021 at 10:32pm
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