maybe one more cigarette will do the trick
maybe the smoke will fill my mind until there's no room left for these thoughts that i can't bury inside any longer. maybe it will choke out the memories of loves past and loves released. maybe it will **** the weary cells within me.
maybe one less meal will fix my mind
maybe depriving my body of the proper nutrients will **** out the hatred from my bones. maybe an empty stomach will provide an empty mind. maybe i will be so focused on my hunger that i won't be able to focus on regrets.
maybe another drink will solve things
maybe i won't remember any of this tomorrow, and i will awake with a fresh mind and a fresh start to this life that i've so gloriously ******. maybe if i could just forget for a moment, if i could just let go for a few moments, it will all pass away and the stars will shine again.
maybe a little more pain will make it leave
maybe by tracing this razor across my skin, the demons will flow out with the blood, ceremoniously intertwined together. maybe if i can just feel something, anything, i will remember that i'm still alive.
maybe one more kiss will take me away
maybe if we could just press our lips together, the pain and the guilt and the doubt will fade away into the bliss that is our love. maybe if you would just put your skin on mine, and i could feel your heartbeat, and your blood, and your life, then i will know that there is a reason i'm alive. maybe if you trace your fingers down my spine, i will know that there is a reason i'm here. maybe i will finally realize that i'm worth it, despite the evil inside trying to choke out any hope of my freedom. maybe if you could just hold me one more time, i will feel safe in my own skin again. and i will take back my body like a victor. and i will own my skin, and my hair, and my bones and my lungs and my heart, and remember them as the gift that they are. maybe i will win.
maybe

here am i,
again
this place of quiet desperation
of lonely nights
of harsh realities
the likes of which i am unable to cope

and then there's you
the innocence of your eyes
the clever curve of your lips
the strong hold of your arms
with our fingers intertwined, the fear fades
when you hold me, the world seems small
and we kiss, and life is beautiful again

and it's here
in your arms
i feel whole again

why can't i write about happy things?
i want to tell of love,
of breathless nights, and twinkling stars
of soft grass and beautiful sunlight
but the words will not come
the phrases don't string themselves together
all that i can tell of is the hurt
of the days of being lost and forgotten
of the loneliness that overwhelms me
i know this world is beautiful
but it won't reveal itself to me anymore

i'm hurting too.
don't you see it?
your face is blurred by my tears,
maybe that's why i haven't seen things clearly.

my heart's broken too.
can't you feel it?
a faint humming keeps me alive,
rather than the beating of a healthy love.

i'm desperate too.
do you hear it?
i strive for the sound of your voice,
but your words feel distant now.

i'm sorry too.

the thing about it
about pain
is that it is most important
romantic even
Without it, it feels as though something is missing
And with it, it at least feels like something

I will remember the kisses
soft and quick
like a habit you couldn't break
and how I thought you showed me
your truest self
and how I offered you
everything I had
and I will remember your much bigger room
and your bed that seemed to magically grow to fit us both
the feel of you next to me
the light through your blinds
the draft from your vent
your neighbors music
your sounds
our morning routines
our always late nights
how our bodies fit together
and how I imagine they still would
your always warm feet
mine always cold
your ever shaking hands
mine held steady
your smile
and the sparkling eyes
of you
who made me
laugh,
smile,
hurt,
cry,
feel
again.

He got expelled this time.

He wasn't sent to
In-school suspension
Or lunch detention
Or the counselor's office.

He was expelled from
Fairfax County Public Schools.

And his friends all freaked.

They sat outside the school
Every morning
And wouldn't go in
To protest.

They signed a petition
That called him a
"Well rounded student"
And
"Well loved by the student body."

I didn't love Brian.
I hated Brian.

Brian was the kid
Who always
Made the class
Stay late.

He was the kid who
Went through the halls
Grabbing peoples butts.

He was the kid that
All the guys wanted to be
And all the girls wanted to have.

And instead of sending him off
To West Point
Where he would have to
Shave his Bieber hair and
Follow the rules for once,
The county revoked the expulsion.

And to me
It seems like
A celebrity murdered someone
And because a thousand fan letters were sent in
They got to go free.