nauseous, not intoxicated
a day without, a day in hell
convinced its truth so just as well
show up at 3am, ring #4 again
shows up in a hoodie
showing bear skin
can't help but feel her
eyes, lips, messy curly hair,
memories from the last ******* year
invade her privacy, reminded of...****!
swears, no, i promise,
explains me ear to ear

Cooped up in a mini van
Feeling the tips of your
Fingers
Drumming on the back
Of my neck

what will it take? 20 years of outright lies
and denied mistakes?
watching you escape on a plane set a thousand miles away
or at home screaming in pain
we're both here, both alone
both sorry, both stubborn
overcome with disappointment
and it'll **** us, we'll die here, we're done

you look so much ******' prettier with that **** in your mouth,
funnier, cuter, smarter while you're chuggin' 'em down,
"flirtatious and irresistible, everyone wants you around",
******' hangover princess, here, we bought you a crown.
lie after lie, truth swirling around in the toilet,
begging for his affection, on your knees and exploited,
stripped of your dignity then try to say you enjoyed it?
that's funny, the **** you talk the next day proves all that's *******.
was nice and respectful, of course you thought that was swell,
loved you for you but you didn't want my help,
tried to do to me what you ******' did to yourself,
i'm over it, we're not friends, *******, go to hell.

sell you a little death, puts one more count on my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
bury me, the failure, in ****, please **** where i'm dead
this is all i am, the life i "built", let no flower grow

ingesting again and it's conquering my head
crumbling under climbing numbers,
smothered by heavier, uglier guilt
too jealous to reach back out, too selfish not to
take you with me, i refuse to be alone in my hold

"if i can't have it, then no one will"
but self hatred never gave anyone the right to ****
no matter whether they're mine, these hands on my shoulders
will not let go

I feel like Cruella DeVille,
Smoking a capri
In brand new clothes
Because Christmas
Just happened
Why did, when I opened
All of the gifts from
Family & friends,
Did I long for a person
To step out of a box
And wrap their arms
Around me?
To take them back
To my apartment
So we could sit on
The mattress on the floor
Smoking my little
DeVille cigarettes
And drinking a,
Previously unopened,
Bottle of bourbon
In my now,
Newly gifted
Star Wars mugs

I feel like a tree that has finally
     realized how deeply
   rooted two smiles shine, two
           smells persist under tickled eyelids, the very
                     way we exist individually but somehow
     live
          together, as if the world in all its
            wisdom has nudged in on the fact that I
                       cannot imagine my
                  life without you

I'm not going to hope that it is me.
Because, likely,
It is not.

My lungs feel young
As I breathe in this
Lovely air
Even though I
Wish that it was
Candy coated with
Your cologne