Feeling so numb
Isnide an empty skull
Thoughts drum
        Rat-at-tat-tat  
Body shucked and hulled
Just the inside, a soul
Remains to cull
Processing as a whole
The inner realm in full
Is not always so fun

Wake up in the morning
Pancakes for breakfast
Your lips are the syrup
The rain is pouring
Not inside our homestead
We're in no hurry
    to rush to work
    turn in a timesheet
    for the coffee to perc
Çause we're drinking tea
and watching the sunrise

Stamens float to the wavy sea
Sights gaze lazily
Through cloudy haze
Your beauty to me
Likens a sun on rainy days

Everything keeps on piling up
I don't know how to stack it
I wish our bodies were filed up
Lying beneath a blanket
I miss you but,
Im finding myself in transit

Wanna travel with the flow but I'm a mountain getting blown in the wind
Sand eroding my stature
Destroying my posture
Psyche needs sutures..
I don't know my future

I dont know what it is I said
                                     My blankets sewed me to my bed
The cotton stitched into me
           As thoughts turned rotten always do
                                 Held me down like lead
A cotton edge wrapped itslef around my shoulders
                                                     around my neck
Up to my head and said
                                "Ill keep you here until you are dead"

If you come to this place you are welcome. Here you will find the freaks, the nuts, the outsiders - and they aren’t just kids. All ages of weirdos are here. All of these people engaged in what looks like meaningless chaos but in this chaos these people lose themselves...
All of these people are engaged through the bands, and the bands have a contract with the people. They all, all of them, in this night, in this moment, don’t have a care in the world. They aren’t concerned with doomsday, money, jobs, relationships, abuse, bullies, rapists, murders, whatever. They care about nothing. For now they are immortal. Behold the gods! And different from me,
t h e y a r e a l i v e.
The living gods.”

Love lined
In 4/4s and 3/5ths    
Off tone but sublimed
Hunch right to see ya'
Like the leaning tower of Pizza
inclined to take ya out for pizza
Looking like a mona lisa look a alike
But they got you mistook
You're your own woman
The best alive in my book
The best in my life understood me
Never took me for granted
Instead she planted a seed in me
Watch me grow, grant wishes infinitely
Sowed love but never sold love, give that away for free  
Grow above the traumas facing me
We can grow above the traumas
Plain to see we can grow above
Whats pained us to be human
Its not all slayer and doom in
This world. Theres beauty in humanity. In you and me.
I can see the beauty in you
Hope youll be able to see whats plain
to see
The divine beauty within your deeds

I feel like an idiot
I always feel like an idiot

I try to love
Just to see others love deeper

I try to understand
Just to see others understand more

I try to create
Only to find Im not creative

The only thing I got going for me
Is nothing at all.

I fail at everything I do
I always make people run away

I dont belong in this world
and I never have.

I need to focus and really bear down on the things I love
I exert too much energy and concentration in too many places

I dont know where Im going or who I want to be
and I realize neither does anyone else

I think that Im slightly insane and that I have a preoccupation with ***.

I think I should stop loving but I really cant help it.

I love love.

I hate love.

I always end up making my loved ones feel bad in some way.
I always end up ******* up and I just want the ones around me to be happy.

I always do the same stupid **** and never get anything done.

I am a boy becoming a man but I think I would rather still be a child.
I probably have done too many drugs.

I hide a lot beneath the facades of my own personality.
I try to read a lot but I never finish a book.

I try to paint but I never finish a painting.

I try to have a life but I never actually live.

I try to be something that cant be in this world.
I try to have a complete and total understanding of everything around. I want to know everything that there is to know. But I know its impossible.

The only things I know are impossibilities. Like happiness through freedom, because their is always something chaining me down. Like love, because there is always too many emotions with other people and the love gets clouded. Eventually pushed out.  

I am more of an empty hollow shell than people know. I feel my emptiness with garbage and turn it into a realization about the world. Sometimes I clean out my hollow shell, and fill it with beautiful things that I've forgotten about. Only to see those beautiful fragments of memory become sinister with time. Only to see past the veil of happiness I thought I carried with me in early life to see that I was really just lying.

I am a great actor from an emotional distance.

But I am a terrible actor once you know me.

I know I will do "great" things in this life.

If I dont **** myself first.

Sometimes I wish I had a child so I had a sole purpose for my soul. But I would probably hate them for taking my self-expression away.

I am calm, cool and collected but inside I am thriving with thoughts that I dive into. Some thoughts in the deep parts of my psyche. I hollow the thoughts out, and try to sort the bad from the good only to spill them in an unprecedented manner. So, I scoop up the parts and throw them away like the inside of a pumpkin right before halloween. My spirit is like one of the ghosts youll see that night. Just a sheet with some holes in it. Just a man pretending to be something that doesnt belong in this world.

I have problems with attachment and trying to love.

I tripped yesterday and had one thought that kinda ****** with me.
It wasnt you ******* with me. It was me ******* with me.

Its always inside my own head, but the people around me think that its them.

Thats the thing that really hurts me... me... I hurt me. And the people around me always think that its them.

They think that its them... Its not. Dont run away.

Fuckk... I have problems with attachment. Ill run away if you dont because the things I want in life are an impossibility. They are just grim fantasy realities that media has ingrained into my life. I am a product of a broken society but we are so many in number.. that not enough people will hear my last breath to take our own demise seriously. I yearn to stick a needle in my arm or to pop a pill that will allow me to be me.

"You are already who you are, embrace it"

**** that. I am not the impossibilities I dream about.

.... I know I can get to that point in another way but the path is difficult and in terrible condition. I have a lot of work to do before I can embrace it. If I embrace it now, Ill be back to the logical, cold-hearted, un-caring person I was before. Before the power of love mystified my universe and made me see so much beauty. Im stuck in between this world and the next and I dont know what to make of it. I dont really belong anywhere with anything.

Someday I hope to expand on this feelings. With a story behind it. With my life of impossible realities expressed to people who understand it, because so many of these impossible realities of myself are shared with others who want to embrace the same impossibility.

You are not all that you think you are
You're better than that

You are mosaics splashed with tropical colors and hazel eyes.

You are a collecter, not of lost time. But of your own dreams and loves.

You are a creator with too many points of inspiration.

You are lovely

The dark side of life's fears the grace with which you handle problems

Because your better than that

You are Artisan.

Fleeting passions pass us by
Short lived elation controls lives
Soul taxation has made its presence
              Virtue of patience is lost
In the nation of obsolescence

Is your 50s swing off, did you fall 70 years into the future. Are you a grandma or not. Will you bathe me with scrubs and brushes, will i belittle our nephews for having what i had not?

Are you wearing your mental illness like a fashionable cowl? Something to adorn your mind and protect your back from the owls, snakes and wolves on prowl. Oh Grandma, am i just red riding hood falling into your wolf trap?

Are you a fellow or a gal? Are you a pen pal that i can one day use as a pillow when im hollow? Sillohuete to
coddle Am I too deep to run through the gallows with? I swear im not a sith, im just a grey, with frayed ends singing deoendency oh codependeny laid like a necessity in front of me but will i grasp? or everlast within soulesence?

Shady eyes, Shady times
Im not sure if im fine
Got lies and lines laid out
Like what the **** Ima rewind time
Pay dont rise, paying fines
School only taught me to align
its lies, so i did lines railed out
like ima rewind time; **** this clout
Eighty nights, bubbly fine
Killin lines, killin my
Empty nights, bubbly like
Killin ryhmes, killin myself
Became fine in this blue life i laid out
But what the **** im in a drought
In the muck, bout to sell out
my soul to the devil, but im not ready now, its a buyers market
And i need a lot for my soul to darkin
Trying to get in my pocket? ... ya just sharkin
Try to harkin back to the old days
Might be a farce when forest fires alarm us of incoming disaster
Were caught in its larson
Stealing from the earth like they bought it
Maybe were brought in by those who've fought sin
By the lawful, justice but rarely applauded
By those who other dimensions have allotted us
Maybe were caught in an ascension
Too much for some men to mention
In these shady times. shady nights
Wth lies n lines laid out to hold minds in detention.
What the ****, time to rewind time
Go back to the new dimension

We're a set of clothes with no bodies
Cause schools brainwashed
           loves trampled us
           six feet under with
           with our hearts and minds
           turned to dust
           parents lied and educators ****
           unable to teach us real-life skills
           like love is tough
           so we're still
Living for paychecks
            for those who feel like us,
A set of clothes with no bodies
Maybe we can remember we have souls  
            and not our remedial schools, undying loves, deceitful parents, and bi-weekly paychecks
Can take that away from us.

Sleep eludes
My cold resides
Addiction imbued
Chemicals inside

Casomorphines from cheese
Healing honey from bees
Etizolam from chemists
Coke from friend visits

My minds in space
My hands in ground
        Only Sometimes

My thoughts race
My hearts bound
        Only Sometimes

        Change is constant
But Only Sometimes

Into the ego I face

... Move Past.
Into the world , where I'm found

Sometimes only lasts forever.

Ontology of self
Radiant sun and half dewy moon
dripping tsunami ripples

Over Earths curves
lucious peaks and valleys
her moaned words

Wash over me
Beauty, is what I have seen
in reflections of ...

Ontology of Self
My god is everything
within me

Police sirens up and down the street
Broken window glass hitting concrete
              relieving a robbers itch
Crackheads by the Circle K yelling 'bout their fix
  While homeless lay drunk in a ditch
Another dead body in the canal
A gang rivalary renewed now
              Gunshot sounds drown out
Police sirens up and down the street
Broken window glass hitting concrete
Among the sizzling Phoenix heat

My friend wears a head dress  
Hijab fabric soft and delicate

She took it off in distress
Odd fabricate cracks in us

Societal systems, suicidal schisms

Golden rules thrown out  
Hate loud and cussed in shouts      

Or short quiet words said a foot away at a gaspump
threats made okay because you voted for trump

Across an angry mob, lauds praise for Clinton
Turned over cop cars, fires from the ignition
Spread over the masses in blue party indignation
Say they're free from blame, they lost the election

Treat others like less then pennies
Cause their political party is yours enemies
Or cause their skin isn't one of these ... White, White or White

The action is abhorrent, flagrant. None of this is alright

War hate blend brewing its familiar fragrance
Prideful with an aroma of allegiance

Bellowing words hollow
Believed to be amicable
      Veneered in Holy ***
Spitting crosses
Dotting others I's
Oh Jesus Christ, what have we become?

Masks hide true burns
With no futures
Take off your mask
Wounds need sutures
Try to stitch with drips
From a whiskey flask
Taste numbs cherry red lips
Whose all for another
If they pucker again
See me quiver and stutter

I'm in love with feeling down
The feeling stays through towns
I pass along the way
Each more beautiful than the last
All of the emotional nights have found
To be just as therapeutic as the sounds
That abound in my thoughts
As they race towards the past
Back to the future where they all merge
A keyboard circuit surge
An electric strum
A soul being purged
With the words I'll hum, tell, yell
But first let me ask
Do you have a cig I can ***?

Im a sailor on a concrete path
and I miss the smell of the sea
        I miss the humidity
Im a sailor and I miss the crackling laugh of the shifty tide against me
Im a sailor on the corporate path
and I miss the simplicity of living a life carefree
        Out on the ocean, Out on the sea
        Our wherever I want to be

I thought I had bigger plans than you
but if you're true
I wont hesitate to blush too
so keep me around boo
cuz you're so smooth
and that's true
:)

Soul like a Gunshot Wound
Take out the bullet soon
Or leave it hurting
Let it become part of you
A pain that's burning
Eating your soul for years
While you are learning
To deal with the pain that grew
To become all of your fears
It'll hurt so bad later
You will bust out in tears
To take out the bullet
That became your savior
As you worship the scars
On your skin that cater
To the pain that stayed here
With the bullet
In your Soul like a Gunshot Wound

I open my eyes to watch yours close
I hold my breath to feel
Anything
A soft hand is retracted
A shudder silenced
Arms that hold me together are my own
Proximity offers no closure
Unseen verses of your mind
I curl up and unravel

-nKGB

Preforations percolated
by heavy waves in the salty sea
Hard exterior coral wins,
protects the lives inside of me
Friends with dorsal fins
and my polyp soul

Four people dead
Dreaming feverish
Faces flush red

Dry, The river's fish are dead
Stinking in sweat
Bloated sidewalk bread

Eggs fried on blacktop special
The heat restless
City boiling in a kettle

Heated up red
Four people dead
More to come
The summer heat has settled in

Shrouded in de-personalization
Calm as cloudy night

Galaxy wrapped corpse
Sprinkled with stardust

Inside
           Black holes beseech
           Past souls
     For their essence
           Empty voids swallow
           Blistering asteroids

Outside
   Calm as a cloudy night

Inside
   Death encapsulates everything in sight

Love comes in
Like a high tide
Ocean swells gripping
At the foundation
Flooding the basement
Of my heart

There was one think I never told you about
the reason I loved you so much.
That one time we tripped, and I lied down to touch your hand
while listening to your favorite band, after your favorite night,
I imagined something I could never imagine before so vividly.
I saw us sitting on a white fenced, wrap around porch.
Only trees, fields and mason jars and grandkids around us.
We laughed about life and what a joy it was to be in love.
How amazing it was.
That is your lasting impression on me.
You finally made me believe in love,
which is why I loved you so much.

Golden curly q's
Large christmas sweater
The boots for winter
Smile gives me goosebumps
You're cuter than ever

Wrapped in the silk you spin with your energy
Your eyes, like beacon lights, follow me
With you, I can take on the world confidently

Like a rhythm and melody, you are in my veins
Your body celestial; same as the sun and moon  
Too bright to look in your eyes
Voice soothing, I drift and swoon

Atoms moving, you're collected from all points of time
Pearlescent  magic looms around your aura, you shine
You're flora, smell of oils. Cedar and Pine
You're fauna, ruler of kingdoms, theirs and mine

Laid on a starbound white vessel of profound sspirit.
Dont pay attention to the horrors in the shadow, they can eat you alive if you let them.
They aren't folk heroes, They're faux heroes

Alien tremors like indigo ephemerals
The vibrations are not elastic but
Real creatures in the night
The sun isn't shining light, its sharing a shadow
Believe what you want, spiritual by passing at best
The skull eclipses have gone and went
The moon lets the blood, the dark
Has sent its blessings
Time to move on, shedding skin
Like cocooned butterflys or snakes at age
A new age of reality has begun on the 4th page
4 dimensions
Burn some sage, prepare for the transcendence

Ever since that ****** up night
Im not sure If I've gotten worse
Or If I've gotten better
But I know that It'll be alright
because i was sworn with a curse
If I will let her in between my sheets
she will stick around in my head
and be the ringing in my ears
that will stick around for years
So that's what I did cause
I needed her here
I guess you could say
She was the best drug
And I've ****** with yay
and I've ****** with H
and you can **** with me
but if you **** my friends
when they say no
I will **** up your nose
sternum, and existence in whole
So just get away and
move back to from where you came
I don't think I can stop shaking in anger
when you walk this way
So when this song will say
*******, **** your family
It speaks for me and you can tell
so keep your head down
and keep on frowning when I look at you
Cause ever since that ****** up night
Im not sure if Ive gotten worse
Or if Im getting better
but you can be ******* sure
if you ever do something like that again
Youll be in severed into peices
and my floor will be wetter with
your blood than it has been with
alcohol
She was the best drug ever
but defending her by killing you
might be the best high Ill never have.... unfortunately

I keep trying to write this letter
but it's too hard to reminisce
about the times we had
that were cloaked in sadness

I was to afraid of the girl
I used to love to tell her I
even liked her so when I moved and
another came around like her
I didnt hesitate to try and keep
her around but instead I pushed her away

Maybe I need to just let it all go?
Maybe this is the time I dont write it all down?
But maybe just leave you with the promise
of a great birthday present and a full heart
because you will get exactly what you wanted
while im downtown at a party
And I can finally leave from where I started when I
first saw her the first day of freshman year.

I got these scars on my psyche
Tryin to harm who I might be
Alarms sound, frightening
The child inside me trying to hide all his feelings
Whose still trying to find some healing
But the worst is what he's fearing
Find the middle ground between searing hate and unlikely hopes

I hate that you dont respond
so distant but you still ******
my emotions when youre out
and about, loving everyone

I wrote a poem about her,
but a story about you
and I know its wrong
so I feel so cruel, but if its true
and if its meant to be
it will happen when the sky shines blue
and the moon glows through the overcast
so I will never again cast my heart into a
blue moon until a fish is ready for food

A star-cluster on the outskirts of time
We search for words that'll find
Diamonds positioned in eyes
                    That'll make stars align

Those words with which we toyed
             Try to fill the void
Between those stars and ours

A whole universe lays beneath
A coy smile or sigh
A whole universe Id like to gaze into tonight

Ill fall apart
From a simple sentence
It's all tears

A light pulsing memory
drenched in acid and alcohol
Each pulsing wave hits my heart
like the bass from October's start

The dim sounds of sadness
echoed inside
and my life was put aside
I realized there is more
to our lives

Nobody ******* loves me
And I think its okay because
it would be terrible for them
to do such a thing.

I cry myself to sleep every night
because I'm depressed
Will  my soul ever find sight?

I fell for you once
Now again as such
Fools who cant make minds
Get strangled in binds but..
It meant a lot you said sorry
Not a step into this folly
Time will disassemble and love me

I was never wanted
I am everlasting
Whats past is passing
Savvy speech casting
Threw into action
Helped with latching
Onto problems patching
stitches that were catching
threads, exposing ashes

I cant take care of anything
Not even myself

I ******* hate this all.
Im gonna grow fat and ugly and miserable and lonely. Im gonna die just like my fish, without anyone to help.

Always finding another way
For a different day
Its in constant change
Another way to get paid
Another difficult thing to say

Lost my mind
So many times
Found it writing
Down these lines
Found it driving
Between these lines
Down dark highways
Where your face
is burned in time
You are the air
You are the sea
You're my kind
Your who you wanna be
Your face is there
reflected in mine
My eyes can't stand
to see you cry
Not with tears
But with your soul
So get high with me
Up in heaven we can be
Out in the desert
Or out on the sea
Your my land
Your my mind
That I lost so many times
But I found writing
Down lines
About you and me