If I could go back in time, I would.

So many regrets. I've ****** up so much.

Write, wrote, written. No matter what I've said, Im still kickin'
Life, love, livin. I view from the chair I sit in.
All the wonders the world is lit in
Dark, Light. Yin n Yang
Contrast is only hidden if you
cant view both the same

i saw you on facebook and i started writing instinctively. ******* A... These emotions better not start getting the best of me. Another late night. I have things to do and clothes to wash. FUCKKKK

I want to take acid under an open sky  
Listen to tame impala and drink orange juice

I want to lay on the earth and let dust coat me
See stars glisten, shining upon saguaros

And for once not just because I want to be high
its been a long road, still a long road to go

I want to melt into life. My labor to bear fruits
Believe in myself and be cocky

cause its been a long road, still a long road to go.

but i know where the **** im going now.

Unjust jungle strained for air
Nauseous gas paired
with all our oxygen

           Mouths agape, breathing
       words of toxic kin.
           Ideas are asphyxiated; impaired

                              What is this world and what do I hear?

Its all of us gasping
Reaching for those who care

Lungs feel heavy when I dance
Sedate myself for the interview
A beer and a Xanax
Uncalm but patient is true
For I am contradictions
Yin and yang imbued
In body mind and soul actions
I can feel torn to a few
Small pieces, all colors
All a puzzle to glue
Back together
Oh mother , oh father
I am just both pieces of you

Im doing pretty good. Want to create more.

Also it ends up being positive feedback loop. The mental distress caused by creating too much creates more mental distress. Guess Ill just play videogames and relax and take a couple drugs.

Sometimes the drugs do make me constipated though which *****. Feel like I havent pooped in days.

"We fall in love with idealized versions of our future self."

Doing that is bad for your mental health

I'm a glass half empty kind of guy

Wish I was the other type,
But logic says otherwise

Thought I needed so much help
I'm praying in dreams
Wondering if those still count

I cant take care of anything
Not even myself

I ******* hate this all.
Im gonna grow fat and ugly and miserable and lonely. Im gonna die just like my fish, without anyone to help.

A light pulsing memory
drenched in acid and alcohol
Each pulsing wave hits my heart
like the bass from October's start

The dim sounds of sadness
echoed inside
and my life was put aside
I realized there is more
to our lives

Nobody ******* loves me
And I think its okay because
it would be terrible for them
to do such a thing.

I cry myself to sleep every night
because I'm depressed
Will  my soul ever find sight?

I spend more time in dreams than awake

Peers deem me irresponsible

Its true. Im always late to class

I. An irresponsible ***.

Always finding another way
For a different day
Its in constant change
Another way to get paid
Another difficult thing to say

Lost my mind
So many times
Found it writing
Down these lines
Found it driving
Between these lines
Down dark highways
Where your face
is burned in time
You are the air
You are the sea
You're my kind
Your who you wanna be
Your face is there
reflected in mine
My eyes can't stand
to see you cry
Not with tears
But with your soul
So get high with me
Up in heaven we can be
Out in the desert
Or out on the sea
Your my land
Your my mind
That I lost so many times
But I found writing
Down lines
About you and me

I fell for you once
Now again as such
Fools who cant make minds
Get strangled in binds but..
It meant a lot you said sorry
Not a step into this folly
Time will disassemble and love me

I was never wanted
I am everlasting
Whats past is passing
Savvy speech casting
Threw into action
Helped with latching
Onto problems patching
stitches that were catching
threads, exposing ashes

I go on Facebook
And see all the horribleness of this world
Misery really does love company

Another silent yelling match with eyes as mouths
Stares of betrayl and self-disgust
Shot at each other while we sit and rust
An embarrasing tantrum without a blush
Withouy regret
Till your words split me in half
I cant tell if i love or hate
What i have

Physical pain is a mindset.

It's easier to ignore than mental anguish.

She smells like wisdom, but oh so sweet
I want to lay next to her in bed
Picking her brain, shes too smart for her own good
So many questions going through her head

Trying to create a philosophy that would love her like they did

"Ohh you're my religion" she said
"Ohh you're my religion" she said

But they didn't understand what they had
Treated her like they were sacrilegious
She bore the brunt of they're indifference
Hung herself on a cross like she was Jesus

"Ohh my religion is dead"
"Ohh my religion is dead"
               She said

Trying to create a new philosophy that would love her better then they did

Too smart for her own mental health
So much love to give to someone else

So many thoughts going through her mind
The bad ones I'll quiet and soothe
I want to watch her eyes flutter towards the sky

Watch her create a new philosophy that would love her like I do

Like a heart beating under the floor
My self-respect is hidden  

Becoming, stepping out into the world
The regret stings. Now immediate but still lasting

I dont like to steal things and hide them away
behind lies and closet drawers
under my eyelids
past my bedroom door

Isolated and taking whats mine
Its not greed
Its the thrill of adventure
mixed with loathing

My self-respect hates it

Slows like bubbles burst silently in air
Irisdescent floating densities
Quickness of a bubble wrap popping

Raptured like a cocoon
Exploding black butterfly ooze
Cluttered with skyboxes in the room
Feels like I'm on ice, about to crack through

My body lies dormant in anxious
Wait for a sudden burst of fate
Fears swallow, rob me of language
Ice water runs through my veins
With ethanol, caffiene, nicotine and morphine and sometimes something else to sedate

Unforunate Friday glooms
My job fell through
And my homes a mess...

A person I love in tragedy
Its not mine but it's empathy

.....
Feelin like today I'll fall asleep
When the sun comes up
Stay up all night drink with me
3 days later daylights up
Still with a half full cup
Don't if the sun fell South
Off the earth or we slept through

The coke. The life. The weekend.
Today on Sunday, it's ending
Or just beginning. Soak in time. Its so slowly leaking, so waste a few years you won't be missin. One by one we will be singing happiness.

Ill fall apart
From a simple sentence
It's all tears

I had a stash
Handful of pills
Thought it would last
Just enough to ****
All the pain
But
Enhance creativity too
It's a shame
All out gone but two

My parents let me run around
Trashing everything around me

Now I run around my mind
Thrashing at every thought of mine

Wrapped in garments of yesterday
in thoughts that have festered away

****** into another year. Another decay
There was one who proposed to save.

In his honor, we must continue
Continue to pave the way

Into a new revolution, into a new way to save
what our founding fathers tried to create

The new constitution
The next institution is up to us to pave.

Reminisced in syrupy spirits
Oak-aged in malt, turned viscous and slow
Like the neurons that are supposed to send happiness shooting through my brain.
Slow.. slow.. but oh so steady. Like watching a grandfather tick and on every tock the happiness fades away and age gathers with dust on old lineolium floors.

I'm a sucker for sleeping pills, herbal remedies (not real medicines though), malted barelys and strong hops. All things that make being a pile of concious earth easier to deal with. All things that take me one day closer to being a lump of unconcious earth, scored in a fire and reduced to ashes.

Sometimes the notion of godliness and of an everlasting holy Spirit floods over me and I'm transcended into the wind. Then reality. The one of many I'm stuck in, ***** me back in like a black hole. A black hole, void of feeling plagued with death, politics, corruption, greed, war, poverty, racism, brutality. A reality where my fingers type on a phone screen and where I actually think I say things and where I actually think I make love only to realize none of its real. I'm not godly nor transcended. I'm a useless lump of earth bound to descend into unconcious sleep forever.

Im sick and healing
negative energy receding
the past feeling in me
has reappeared.

---------------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------- Clean slate, anxious of fate, relishing inner turmoil and debate.
Yet to myself loyal.

Negative energy projected on me. Imprinted to be part of my psyche. The energy is faulty, can not control my souls heartbeat. Time moved hindered in fear of defeat, now It moves with a swift recede and back again like the ocean beneath my feet. Melting into sand, it washes out but I keep in the same position, on my own ground. Not into your negative imprint ocean; A sea that see's my defeat, poised to pull my feet
from beneath me.

Inhale Exhale
I die along the way
Take a pill, it'll all be okay
Refill my cup
Reheal my heart
It used to be in pain
Only place is up... From here
I thought I was insane
But it's just a part of life
And the silly games she plays
Sometimes I lie awake
With drugs in my system
Thinking about the next day
I'm not sure if I even listen
Society seems to be missin
Something it needs to say
Trying to find the right words
I'll lie awake, searching for the meaning of this place. This earth
I inhabit, this place that gave birth to us
Still stuck in philosophical queries that must explain our values and trusts
Our virtues that must be hurried into action,
A time of peace,
token to those such
known to be a disciples or much more

Gods and Goddesses inhabit the world around us, that ground us to the core.
Concrete streets and light rails fill us with more than we ever needed
Just heavenly beats and hiking trails
But not everyone can understand what I'm seeing so what being is to being me is a different trip than our believing in God
Or another facade dedicated to something old.
I think humanity will fold unless we be who we are.
One life told over a Millenia
Once sold but now sowed into the Earth in rest or life
In death or revived

Its time for us to get along
Stop bombing each other
Talk it out and be one
Like we have always done
But on a world scale that
agrees and prevails to expand
Us into a world
in our world
We didn't realize we could cure and heal

Here's my passowrd;

Dialect of the language of love
Spiritually digital connection

Ignoring is games played
Or maybe they have food in their mouths
Or talking to their mother

Or they say were they aren't.

Pouring rain in a dry street
Cresote turning and airing
Color blooms but always dies and goes back to grey dustclouds fluming in the distance while the sun is blocked
by a glowing resisteance of dust and agricultural waste and rust

Wrapped in an enigma
Passing stigmas like rigors
Barriers to climb that i figured
Would be easier but they return

Actions that will trigger
Anxieties and fast thoughts
Time to learn how to burn
The past and start over anew
Cleanse the soul of bitters
And be true and honest
The paradigm shift of self is upon
All of us. Who will we be
Manifest and see the future
Traumas will bleed but sutures
Can mend upon our thoughts
Something the self has taught
Again and again, time to begin again.
The  good can win when we recognize the shadows. A path a few follow
Step with caution and be humble
Words of cause mumbled and jumbled
Follow the good and evil, fumble with the balance. Trust in your talents then fall and crumble. Flow like a bumblebee, Sting like a hornet.

My biggest mistake
To stop writing while presenting
To draw not representing
Repressing music inundated
With the light softened by glow
Not here too often
Too often in another worldly flow
Too depressing
Not fully accepting
Hate in myself defining
Nothing I have is mine n
Nothing I have is mine
Dissection of thoughtlines
possession of self dying
I need my ego
And if I said I didn't I was lying
Ressurection of self riding
On two sphinx wings flying
Read these words whilst dying

Disheveled and mutated. Ugly shell of what it used to be. Our government curated by the CEO Neo-Con warheads with nuclear weapon arms and drone strikes aimed at every other countries heart. Hawks of the most grotesque nature. Warhawks with bombs of freedom and democracy. The right to social justice and free choice are properties of the US. Yet those same words "Property of the US" line those missles, the only freedom they ring is freedom from this world. Free to dive into the afterlife.

Staunch support to policies of corrpution. Reeking of ****** and money. Dressed in red and green, piles of each, blood and money line their legacies. Facades played out in media like a family soap opera. Facsist facades play out in legislature, tyranny inducing consequences. Justice not served as they rally around the mottos of "Just us". As in just us rich and powerful get to pass laws. Just us white and privileged get walk away from cops without a 12 Guage bullet in the brain. As in just us media pundits know about politics.  In jusice they have no belief. Only selfish belief of "just us".

Oligarchic and xenophobic. Slandering the people's knowledge like we don't feel the ***** hand of power encasing us in its ****** grips. Convincing out of fear we are all each other's worst enemies due to color religion or Politcal theory. Propaganda created shackles out of freedom and enslaved us in our own good will.

The ***** roots of our skyscrapers poison the soul because what they rake in at the top is dollars made from death and destruction. From the creation of war refugees and third world farmer suicides they install suede in the penthouse. The money has created shackles out of freedom and enslaved us.

Everything I wrote was about you
Left me looking like a fool
Because you used me like Im a tool
A tool of love which you exhausted
I cant work myself now
Give me a motor
So this tool can drive away from you
And forget all the good memories
like the way I always do

Its been hard to write
My tongues' tied tight
My thoughts lay light
I cant dive deep in my thoughts
Or I could drown tonight
The water in my lungs
Is filling up my eyes  
The songs I've sung
Arent doing me right

"I've been living lies." I say

The therpist replies

"What do you mean, are you alright?"

"No, if he ever came into my sight.
I wouldnt just fight him
I think I might shot him in the thigh
Throw away his perverted crack high,
Ask him if hes a fine. If he replies, continue to shot him until he isnt alive."


Thought         
                  The gunshots loud
        I pout thinking about what he  
                  did to his son and I
Some things I could never say aloud
End Thought

"Woah, how come you hate him?"

"Because he shaped my life then
.... until now."

I want to feel solidarity in your touch
I want you to feel love in mine

I will do so as such
I will not let time

Slip... Slip.. Slip

Through my fingers
As your skin turns to dust

Returns to molten hands
Ones which disintegrated love

Ones which turned your heart to sands

That Slip....Slip...Slip

Into the winds with which it ran
To the worlds end
Traversing every land

But I wait for your return

As a tree
Our roots of love entangled, roots on which we stand.

dragging around a corpse
what's the purpose
to be like a porpoise
a blowhole to exhale
a mammal that failed to walk on land
a sponge to learn through osmosis
to be like coral
colorful and floral
with no morals but to be selfish and keep myself safe
to protect this landlocked corpse with no guidance, no purpose
but to use my blowhole orifice
cause im just a porpoise
MY MIND CANT SORT THIS

No sleep and im losing my mind
cause of this court case. Who let a dolphin in the courtroom
The Judge is a Lion Seal and he is jealous Im not endangered
the signatures are fudged and mister whale is angered
cause us mammals failed to walk on land
and the witnesses failed to take the stand
failed to say what was planned, bribed and now the orca is in the can.
Imprisioned by Seaworld for being a better porpoise with purpose
leaving us a trail of corpses floating along

Joyed lungs heave
Against a white floral wall

with high-cheeked, obtuse, blushes

Lips puff glee, huff scent
Hover with lust, such as is

common, yet so, uncommon.

Electric touches
induce connection with her

chakra shared love enchantment

It's tough
When global corporations rapidly advance thier claims to **** our mother

It's unexpected
When the purpose of human evolution over Earth's time
          Security of life
          Understanding of ecology
          The means to a comfortable human existence

Is ignored in mass

And realization of self is shrugged off as part of a economic equation.

Are lives not more of meaning than numbers?

"Our lives are of more meaning than numbers"

Binary doesn't not express emotion.

Scientific method does not account for irrationality of man

Ecology isn't the process of resource accumulation with limited and high priced

Seperated and suffering humanity wrecks the heart of all

Rampant deforestation and ozone depletion squeeze the air out of all lungs

Genetic alteration of earthly material rips the ground upon which we all stand

It is within reason
That humans are only clever in regards to themselves

Always pulling the same lever expecting different results.

It is within reason
That we have an innate self interest and greed that generates only more of the same

Continually following the easiest path day after day

Jumping down the rabbit hole of insanity is supposed to lead the fathomed happiness that capital can claim.

In the rush to the rabbit hole and its great technological and economic advancements humanity is more divided.

It has always been divded.

Greed and envy preceded structure
Hate and lust preceded technology

More equations and technology will never fix such fundamental human problems.

Only we can do that.

Heat so hot moisture drops evaporate
into moss on my carpeted skin
Grass is growing upon my kin
Renovating the concrete sins
Of earth, of mind, of within

Philosohpy written
Experiences amalgated within
Brassy copper and metalish tin
Held inside organic fins and phalanges
Am i robot with my logical mind or am i freelancing rational thought
Am i in time or racing a clock?
Arrange me again
into Grass growing and trees budding
in unison

Resonate with these concrete sins of my mind, of earth.. of within

Let this heat so hot and cold so cold
melt the water in my soul
and rebuild it again in crystalline snowflakes drapped around my fragile skin.

Am i mossy snow? A sanguine man hinged upon the earth and humanities heavenly birth.
I hurt when I see hurt so
Try to exert a positive worth to all that is seen, felt and heard.

Listen like how the Earth permeates past its concrete sins
Im going to to try to levatate past whats holding minds within.

I'm sorry If I annoyed you yesterday
With my incessant affection
I was all over you far too much
I know that you still have to make that decision
And all I could do was think of myself
So I will stand by your side
patiently while you decide
between him and I.

Im hooked on you and I
but I want to say goodbye
to this thought now memory
to your lows and highs
to the taste of your savory
lips and I cant
I cant
so I sigh

Theres too much for us to experience
You can ground my firey trance
and Ill burn your memories that ever last

My heart will forever burn
Your heart will forever yearn
for the past
You and I will last
in dreams of our enpass

It's not about the collective
or about you and I
None of this is subjective
Sorrow is like smoking
But at least it's protective
so I begin looking
for a place to protect me
I'm falling down.. tumbling again
tumbling all over you again...
Does my heartfelt silence
make you frustrated
in the same way your
indecisiveness makes me agitated?
I am blue
suffocating from
a lack of you.
So if anyone
makes me feel true
in my moments of gloom
I will cherish that fool.

Your vibrant smile
laughing like child's
play heartfelt, mild
and something wild