If I could go back in time, I would.

So many regrets. I've ****** up so much.

I had a stash
Handful of pills
Thought it would last
Just enough to ****
All the pain
But
Enhance creativity too
It's a shame
All out gone but two

Love comes in
Like a high tide
Ocean swells gripping
At the foundation
Flooding the basement
Of my heart

Ill fall apart
From a simple sentence
It's all tears

Ontology of self
Radiant sun and half dewy moon
dripping tsunami ripples

Over Earths curves
lucious peaks and valleys
her moaned words

Wash over me
Beauty, is what I have seen
in reflections of ...

Ontology of Self
My god is everything
within me

Life keeps getting weirder
Love keeps getting more real

Love shouldn't be based in reality
It has always been fantastical
A Hallmark movie type of fantasy
I guess no one can live up to that.

-------------------------------------------------

Glass Ceilings are breaking
The shards have fallen all over life
I guess its better to have someone
bandage the wounds
than balance on top
a glass ceiling

For when it breaks, they'll need someone
to bandage their wounds as well.

Like a heart beating under the floor
My self-respect is hidden  

Becoming, stepping out into the world
The regret stings. Now immediate but still lasting

I dont like to steal things and hide them away
behind lies and closet drawers
under my eyelids
past my bedroom door

Isolated and taking whats mine
Its not greed
Its the thrill of adventure
mixed with loathing

My self-respect hates it

Physical pain is a mindset.

It's easier to ignore than mental anguish.

I go on Facebook
And see all the horribleness of this world
Misery really does love company

I spend more time in dreams than awake

Peers deem me irresponsible

Its true. Im always late to class

I. An irresponsible ***.

Thought I needed so much help
I'm praying in dreams
Wondering if those still count

unbelievably

I dont know what to say

fear

in this world, Im scared

unreluctantly

warfare striving today

here

imperialism re-declared

Be aware and mindful

Get up, stretch  

Dont ignore the shadows

Dont be afraid
Fears will tear you apart

I know from experience.

Bed with a body-shaped indent
I spend all day in it

Thoughts drugged, yet
I drag them through the mud

Eyes. Behind a white screen.

Waiting for response.

It only takes a minute to type a message.
They say.

Ending the night
Drinking your favorite beer

is pretty good
if you're already drunk

I'd rather not go out on Halloween
Rather stay inside and
Summon the dead

Invite them in from the cold
For some tea and a warm bed

Im never going to be completely there

For you

Ill be too caught up in myself
In my drugs

While you're ******* everyone and everything

I didnt even realize how much it hurt then
But I do now

Maybe ill try to be all there next time
Maybe itll be real love
instead of lust

Maybe ill try harder
Maybe ill kick all these addictions

To people
to you
To Drugs

Maybe im being neurotic
and you're actually a good person

and Im insane

It's hard to understand

A Rockstar with a drug problem

A Literary type with wine tasting ability

A business man keen on social sense

A Lover craving spiritual connection and growth

Layers of fallen leaves in autumn
Piles of gold and red and orange

Football fan with a blue jersey

Homeless but with a vigil eye
For those who try to hard

An addict to anyone who loves
Caring to much to touch
Love that comes unbound
All too quick and all too much

I am all I write above
Some of it lies....  to myself

A dove with a heavy heart
singing in my mind
Flying for a shelter of like-minded doves.

But who am I this time?
Rockstar, Lush,  Lover, Addict, Salesperson

I am a writer, or so I think...

Especially when I drink

I am all those things
I am assertion
Of life with many layers

Like other living beings
Like tree rings
Something you don't see
till lacerations
Cut the skin, cut the bark

Personality bleeds out
That's why I run to the closest person
Not the best
And I doubt it'll work out

She doesn't understand
I'm a Rockstar, Lush, Lover, Addict, Salesperson

Consumerist soul raging against itself
Artist running faucets of stealth
Hiding behind words
And guitar chords

She doesn't understand what I am.

A dove with a heavy heart
singing in my mind
Flying for a shelter of like-minded doves.

An addict to anyone who loves
Caring to much to touch
Love that comes unbound
All too quick and all too much

You are not all that you think you are
You're better than that

You are mosaics splashed with tropical colors and hazel eyes.

You are a collecter, not of lost time. But of your own dreams and loves.

You are a creator with too many points of inspiration.

You are lovely

The dark side of life's fears the grace with which you handle problems

Because your better than that

You are Artisan.

It's tough
When global corporations rapidly advance thier claims to **** our mother

It's unexpected
When the purpose of human evolution over Earth's time
          Security of life
          Understanding of ecology
          The means to a comfortable human existence

Is ignored in mass

And realization of self is shrugged off as part of a economic equation.

Are lives not more of meaning than numbers?

"Our lives are of more meaning than numbers"

Binary doesn't not express emotion.

Scientific method does not account for irrationality of man

Ecology isn't the process of resource accumulation with limited and high priced

Seperated and suffering humanity wrecks the heart of all

Rampant deforestation and ozone depletion squeeze the air out of all lungs

Genetic alteration of earthly material rips the ground upon which we all stand

It is within reason
That humans are only clever in regards to themselves

Always pulling the same lever expecting different results.

It is within reason
That we have an innate self interest and greed that generates only more of the same

Continually following the easiest path day after day

Jumping down the rabbit hole of insanity is supposed to lead the fathomed happiness that capital can claim.

In the rush to the rabbit hole and its great technological and economic advancements humanity is more divided.

It has always been divded.

Greed and envy preceded structure
Hate and lust preceded technology

More equations and technology will never fix such fundamental human problems.

Only we can do that.

Joyed lungs heave
Against a white floral wall

with high-cheeked, obtuse, blushes

Lips puff glee, huff scent
Hover with lust, such as is

common, yet so, uncommon.

Electric touches
induce connection with her

chakra shared love enchantment

My minds in space
My hands in ground
        Only Sometimes

My thoughts race
My hearts bound
        Only Sometimes

        Change is constant
But Only Sometimes

Into the ego I face

... Move Past.
Into the world , where I'm found

Sometimes only lasts forever.

Oh how beautiful
To see impermanence in us
Ourselves and others fall apart

Oh how suitable
To see thus changes in disgust
Lying uncomfortably in the heart

We dread and disgrace
Ourselves and society
Opposite of Bohemian Art

I feel like an idiot
I always feel like an idiot

I try to love
Just to see others love deeper

I try to understand
Just to see others understand more

I try to create
Only to find Im not creative

The only thing I got going for me
Is nothing at all.

I fail at everything I do
I always make people run away

I dont belong in this world
and I never have.

I need to focus and really bear down on the things I love
I exert too much energy and concentration in too many places

I dont know where Im going or who I want to be
and I realize neither does anyone else

I think that Im slightly insane and that I have a preoccupation with ***.

I think I should stop loving but I really cant help it.

I love love.

I hate love.

I always end up making my loved ones feel bad in some way.
I always end up ******* up and I just want the ones around me to be happy.

I always do the same stupid **** and never get anything done.

I am a boy becoming a man but I think I would rather still be a child.
I probably have done too many drugs.

I hide a lot beneath the facades of my own personality.
I try to read a lot but I never finish a book.

I try to paint but I never finish a painting.

I try to have a life but I never actually live.

I try to be something that cant be in this world.
I try to have a complete and total understanding of everything around. I want to know everything that there is to know. But I know its impossible.

The only things I know are impossibilities. Like happiness through freedom, because their is always something chaining me down. Like love, because there is always too many emotions with other people and the love gets clouded. Eventually pushed out.  

I am more of an empty hollow shell than people know. I feel my emptiness with garbage and turn it into a realization about the world. Sometimes I clean out my hollow shell, and fill it with beautiful things that I've forgotten about. Only to see those beautiful fragments of memory become sinister with time. Only to see past the veil of happiness I thought I carried with me in early life to see that I was really just lying.

I am a great actor from an emotional distance.

But I am a terrible actor once you know me.

I know I will do "great" things in this life.

If I dont **** myself first.

Sometimes I wish I had a child so I had a sole purpose for my soul. But I would probably hate them for taking my self-expression away.

I am calm, cool and collected but inside I am thriving with thoughts that I dive into. Some thoughts in the deep parts of my psyche. I hollow the thoughts out, and try to sort the bad from the good only to spill them in an unprecedented manner. So, I scoop up the parts and throw them away like the inside of a pumpkin right before halloween. My spirit is like one of the ghosts youll see that night. Just a sheet with some holes in it. Just a man pretending to be something that doesnt belong in this world.

I have problems with attachment and trying to love.

I tripped yesterday and had one thought that kinda ****** with me.
It wasnt you ******* with me. It was me ******* with me.

Its always inside my own head, but the people around me think that its them.

Thats the thing that really hurts me... me... I hurt me. And the people around me always think that its them.

They think that its them... Its not. Dont run away.

Fuckk... I have problems with attachment. Ill run away if you dont because the things I want in life are an impossibility. They are just grim fantasy realities that media has ingrained into my life. I am a product of a broken society but we are so many in number.. that not enough people will hear my last breath to take our own demise seriously. I yearn to stick a needle in my arm or to pop a pill that will allow me to be me.

"You are already who you are, embrace it"

**** that. I am not the impossibilities I dream about.

.... I know I can get to that point in another way but the path is difficult and in terrible condition. I have a lot of work to do before I can embrace it. If I embrace it now, Ill be back to the logical, cold-hearted, un-caring person I was before. Before the power of love mystified my universe and made me see so much beauty. Im stuck in between this world and the next and I dont know what to make of it. I dont really belong anywhere with anything.

Someday I hope to expand on this feelings. With a story behind it. With my life of impossible realities expressed to people who understand it, because so many of these impossible realities of myself are shared with others who want to embrace the same impossibility.

My Mind stuck in an infinite paradox
    Zen like nothingness
An endless duality of beauty and death
Anger fills the voids between ***** of energy resonating love

Strikes of lightning fly past; fleeting passions of my life ride with them into the unknown results of future and past.

Im recognizing these thoughts as not my own.
Byproducts from chemical initiation and social engagement.

The only thing is that these thoughts are parts of me, past and future.
I keep wanting to live in the here and now but
my own here and now has to be so concerned with
the tomorrow and yesterday that he doesnt know where he is in time.

Unjust jungle strained for air
Nauseous gas paired
with all our oxygen

           Mouths agape, breathing
       words of toxic kin.
           Ideas are asphyxiated; impaired

                              What is this world and what do I hear?

Its all of us gasping
Reaching for those who care

i saw you on facebook and i started writing instinctively. ******* A... These emotions better not start getting the best of me. Another late night. I have things to do and clothes to wash. FUCKKKK

Write, wrote, written. No matter what I've said, Im still kickin'
Life, love, livin. I view from the chair I sit in.
All the wonders the world is lit in
Dark, Light. Yin n Yang
Contrast is only hidden if you
cant view both the same

**** God-****
Eloquent speech
For Today

Bellowing words hollow
Believed to be amicable
      Veneered in Holy ***
Spitting crosses
Dotting others I's
Oh Jesus Christ, what have we become?

I dont know what it is I said
                                     My blankets sewed me to my bed
The cotton stitched into me
           As thoughts turned rotten always do
                                 Held me down like lead
A cotton edge wrapped itslef around my shoulders
                                                     around my neck
Up to my head and said
                                "Ill keep you here until you are dead"

I want to feel solidarity in your touch
I want you to feel love in mine

I will do so as such
I will not let time

Slip... Slip.. Slip

Through my fingers
As your skin turns to dust

Returns to molten hands
Ones which disintegrated love

Ones which turned your heart to sands

That Slip....Slip...Slip

Into the winds with which it ran
To the worlds end
Traversing every land

But I wait for your return

As a tree
Our roots of love entangled, roots on which we stand.

I need to start opening my mouth
Before the words I swallow rip
A hole inside of me.

One I cannot stich.

Disclaimer below navel
Warning: Person may
Be vulnerable to you

Shrouded in de-personalization
Calm as cloudy night

Galaxy wrapped corpse
Sprinkled with stardust

Inside
           Black holes beseech
           Past souls
     For their essence
           Empty voids swallow
           Blistering asteroids

Outside
   Calm as a cloudy night

Inside
   Death encapsulates everything in sight

Ashes singe inside throats
      Where voices are caught
A heavy weight to tote
      Death claims every thought

Words turn into dust
      Submerged
A cast iron soul
      Begins to rust

Promise of a great
      Abyss as lust

Fleeting passions pass us by
Short lived elation controls lives
Soul taxation has made its presence
              Virtue of patience is lost
In the nation of obsolescence

A tongue misplaced in heart
Kissing the wrong scars
              From the start

Scars not visibly marked
Rather emotionally arched
             Through Personality

Hurry beautiful tongue
              Swiftly Dart
Catch these scars
Create them into art

A star-cluster on the outskirts of time
We search for words that'll find
Diamonds positioned in eyes
                    That'll make stars align

Those words with which we toyed
             Try to fill the void
Between those stars and ours

A whole universe lays beneath
A coy smile or sigh
A whole universe Id like to gaze into tonight

Preforations percolated
by heavy waves in the salty sea
Hard exterior coral wins,
protects the lives inside of me
Friends with dorsal fins
and my polyp soul

Stamens float to the wavy sea
Sights gaze lazily
Through cloudy haze
Your beauty to me
Likens a sun on rainy days

Its been hard to write
My tongues' tied tight
My thoughts lay light
I cant dive deep in my thoughts
Or I could drown tonight
The water in my lungs
Is filling up my eyes  
The songs I've sung
Arent doing me right

"I've been living lies." I say

The therpist replies

"What do you mean, are you alright?"

"No, if he ever came into my sight.
I wouldnt just fight him
I think I might shot him in the thigh
Throw away his perverted crack high,
Ask him if hes a fine. If he replies, continue to shot him until he isnt alive."


Thought         
                  The gunshots loud
        I pout thinking about what he  
                  did to his son and I
Some things I could never say aloud
End Thought

"Woah, how come you hate him?"

"Because he shaped my life then
.... until now."

Police sirens up and down the street
Broken window glass hitting concrete
              relieving a robbers itch
Crackheads by the Circle K yelling 'bout their fix
  While homeless lay drunk in a ditch
Another dead body in the canal
A gang rivalary renewed now
              Gunshot sounds drown out
Police sirens up and down the street
Broken window glass hitting concrete
Among the sizzling Phoenix heat

Another silent yelling match with eyes as mouths
Stares of betrayl and self-disgust
Shot at each other while we sit and rust
An embarrasing tantrum without a blush
Withouy regret
Till your words split me in half
I cant tell if i love or hate
What i have

Perilous involvement with a tattooed serpent
Her tongue moved how it shouldn't
Split in half with vapid, rapid movement
Her bite paralyzed me
All my muscles seized
Then she left alive in the back of a hearse
Magic like the smoke on her lips when it dispearsed
Guess you could call her a curse
Had me immersed in every thought and ideal of hers

Smoke rolls off your lips
As raindrops drip
Off the roof, above where you sit
Barely missing the lit end
Of your cigarrette
And ill make you a bet
By the end of this night
None of this will mean ****
Youll be to drunk to remember it

Youll run down back alleys
With girls you jusy met from cali
Away from cops tryna tally
You up as an arrest
Rally the rest
Into a **** sesh like youre towlie
Find all your friends have left
Have to hitch-hike back to campus
A drunken high mess

But when the next test comes
Youll drink away your stress
Head to the closest party
Spend all your money on drugs, not rent
But when that doesnt help you vent
Climb into bed with that hottie you just met

Yeah *****
This is college
After this were all set... right?
Or should we think bout whats next? ... G'night