i have never fully grasped
serenity. calm. silence
of mind

always, going
always running, always thinking.
doing. i prepare. but alas, that is
never enough.

what if for a day
i pretended. it never happened. nothing changed
nothing hurt.

would that help?
probably not. at this point, i need understanding.
freedom from.

i apoligize.
i am vague. not a person alive
knows all. everything. since then to
now. this moment.

how could i explain?

perhaps, i could tell to you
that i feel as though i have been turned inside out, stripped, and shooken. like an
animal has climbed inside me and torched me; clawed, teared every part me. until
i am an empty carcass, living in the dark as would a zombie.

and then i would leave, quietly. secretly.
i live better that way.

as if anyone could know.

that puzzle piece of life
we had it all -
cute couple status
days spent in our eyes
nights in our arms
we resonated deep
but now i can't stand
to listen to half my iPod
burned cds sit and wait
while gathering dust
while marlboro blacks
break my heart
i grind my teeth to dust
wish upon a fallen star
that this **** never happened, love

crawl up my skin, sit here beside me,
will you listen?
listen to my heart break,
listen to the sad songs I'm still trying to write.

just stop,
here.
be here.
with me,
turn off the thoughts of you just for a moment,
and listen to me,
I stop for you,
and the world will spin without your finger tips pressed to plastic,

Gosh,
I am screaming in this silence,
I filled this canyon with thoughts of you,

I defense.. I mean I defend. for you, I do.
I put it away,
and I shove it all down,
saying I am fine,
wish you put up a hand,
to find mine,
and we're laying in the dark now,
I've forgotten how to speak,
and there is time but I am weak,
you haven't tended to me.

but I've quieted these demons,
heart,
I've pushed me aside,
"I always value your life over mine"

My darling,
Go back to sleep.
Leave the hurry and the rush of the world to me
And just sleep.

Let the waves of slumber
Fall into you in a warm rush
Of blankets and breath.

My girl, my woman,
Lie back down and stop worrying,
Calm those lungs and slow your heart,
I will give you all the time in the world
If you will just slow down.

My bags aren’t packed
And there is no seat on a train
With my name on it.

Your career will come
And you will make a splash.
If not we will live on a diet of bread and noodles
And scramble the rent together each month,
Feeding scraps to the dog.

And don’t you fear.
Don’t you ever fear
About the stumble in your step,
Or the snort in your laugh.
The freckles on your back
Or the troubles in your head.

Your imperfections are what makes you beautiful to me,
My dear,
In this world of change – please don’t.