You give me that feeling where my feet don't touch the ground
And our breathing is the only sound

You give me that feeling where my breath catches in my throat
With closed eyes I freely float

You give me that feeling where my heart beats against my chest
And everything else is expressed

You give me that feeling when my hands can explore the contours of your skin
And it creates a powerful passion within

You give me that feeling when my eyes get struck with your pair
And I can't help but stare

You give me that feeling when your lips collide with mine
With one smooth movement we align

We become one
And we shine

The definition of love we rewrote
My entire heart I will devote
To you my love
My one and only
I'll never let you be lonely
Ever again
I've given up my heart and then
I'll take your hand
And I promise to always stand
By your side forever
Whatsoever

She talks about scars
Like she wants to know about mine
The retelling of stories
Makes me think she wants one from me
And I don't know how to tell her
That I took a knife
And carved myself up
Like the turkey on thanksgiving
That I gashed my skin because I was craving control
That I was once so alone and hurt
That I took it upon myself
To drain myself of all my emotions
Turning one pain into another
Controlling how many
Controlling how hard
Controlling how long
I could've stopped if I wanted to
But I didn't want to
And so there's a whole parade of them
Up my leg
When she traces my bones
With her fingers and feels the roughness
She sees them with her eyes
While I shut mine tight
Like it will shut me out of the situation
I'm not sure what goes through her head
Does she question
Does she accept
Does she ignore
Her mouth never reveals her mind
Only leaking hints about her own
And I know all of her scars by now
The bike accident on her elbow
The scar on her palm that matches her moms
The pencil lead from her brother
The opened drawer on her shin when the lights went out
The ****** Knuckles games as a kid
All such simple explanations
Oh yea
These 30 marks here are from when the only girl in the world who paid attention to me told me her goodbyes
And was going to **** herself
And she threatened me not to tell anyone
I told someone anyway
This one here is when I felt such strong hatred for myself
That I couldn't even bare the thought of looking at my reflection without getting enraged
This section here is for every time I wanted to put my fist through a wall
These few are from when I wanted to jump off a ******* bridge
These ones are from when I felt the need to punish myself
For making stupid mistakes
These 3 here are placed as a decoy so people would never really know how bad it was
But I've come a long way since then
The past is the past and I'm going to let it stay there
Until the key of a question is revealed to unlock the box
And with that
I will not lie
Hoping that it won't change anything

She watched my
eye brows draw
closer together as
the mighty question
fell from her lips

Guess what?

Her eyes were hard
And crystal clear
Heart heavy
Fingers softly tracing my jaw
Silently observing her posture
Wrinkled nerves
Itchy nose
Still as stone
Eye to eye
Her lips part
Whispers against the silence

I love you

Like a blob
My heart
Abruptly swells
And pops

The walls of my
Fortress
Collapse
And all stability
Escapes through
The cracks
Of the floor boards
Leaking out
The tear ducts
Of my eyes
Down my face

Emotionally tied
Floating on a raft
In the sky
With the cotton
Candy clouds

All within a
Blink of an eye

I love you too

Whatever will be, will be.
And they say this to bring you comfort.
But what was, wasn't so good.
And what is, is even worse.
What could be?
What could be if?
What could be if I?

It's not the way you are, dear.
It's the way my emotions reach their peak at 2 a.m.
when I'm alone with my blank canvas and endless list of fears
and you're going on the adventure I so desperately want to join you on.

It's the way my cobwebbed thoughts and overzealous daydreams intertwine
like my collarbones ache to be danced on,
while you're being the kind of free I've written about for years
and shedding your past of broken promises and disappointments.

It's the way I constantly grasp for a firm hold on a spark,
any kind of sweet nothings or a flick of an eye that tells me you want this
as bad as I do.
You're terrified of the future and I'm terrified of my past.

There's galaxies between our faults but inches between our lips
for a weekend, and it's the happy ending I crave
but it's only salt on my wounds when you have to pack your bag
with work clothes and every stumbled over "I love you."

This X marks the spot of where I used to feel okay
and your birth mark has lipstick stains from my rituals of
fixing this but they're fading every day I don't get to
bury my face in your sweatshirt and wrap myself in you.

This is my failed attempt at getting used to being attached but alone
At being at my most vulnerable state
And being in love with someone who will never understand.

Tell me, then, why isn't this working if opposites attract?

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
That I can't love someone who's caused me so much pain.
You ask that the bad out weighs the good,
But you really have no idea.
You have no clue as to how many deep seeded problems I have,
How many issues that could have been avoided,
If you could have just picked me.
If you could have seen the life slipping out of your daughter,
The pain every day brought;
It was deep and kept burrowing,
Deeper and deeper.
Into not just my body but my soul.
Now I pay for it with anxiety
With violence
And don't forget the depression.
But it wasn't my fault right?
Not my fault that I can't break these bad habits she burned into me?
The borderline eating disorder
And the inability for any emotional stability.
So they wonder why I can't let people in.
Hell even I questioned it.
But then I realized,
That in those 5 years of hell,
Wanting to take my life at the age of 12,
I stood on my own.
And I fought my battles without help from ANYONE.
So how can I change that now;
Convince myself that things have changed,
That I'm allowed to be weak for a little bit?
I'm going to fight for this,
Until I'm my own person again.
And I will NEVER be like you,
Or her,
I'd sooner take my own life than to witness that result.

I see all the signs,
That you're just like the rest.
Should be déjà vu,
cause it's always been the same.

And if history really does repeat itself,
Then I guess it'll be the same end.
Yet I am still willing to try it out,
Just the way I was before.

Such bad habits I have,
To like the wrong people and commit to them the most.
And they're all so similar,
That it's laughable that I keep making the same mistake.

Especially when I have someone great right in front of me,
Who's different than the rest.
One who really cares,
And doesn't hurt me.

But who I hurt instead,
More than a few times.
Yet I can't commit to her,
I can't be who I want and know I can be for her;
I can't be what she deserves.

And I just don't know why.

So maybe I'm attracted to people who are just like me:
Conniving ******* who do what they feel.
Ones who don't care who they hurt in the process,
As long as they're happy in the end.

And I'm sorry to that girl who's been there by my side,
When she's had a million reasons to leave.
The one I keep treating terribly,
Because I can't make up my own mind.

So when this one doesn't work out,
When you turn out just the same as the last.
I'm not gonna keep coming back the way I used to,
I can't do that to her anymore.

She deserves the world,
And I can't even give her half a ******* up  heart.
But I know I can try to be better;
Better for her and better for myself.

And that's a promise I can actually keep.