I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I don't know why
today as I lay in bed
sweaty with a headache after work
all I wanted was kitty cuddles

I spooned her fluffy-ness and had a flashback to when she was a kitten
and you spooned me
and I spooned her
I awoke in the night terrified thinking I rolled over her
only to find her on one side and you on the other

I had my family
I was so content
with my two loves

you were angry at me for getting a cat
because you were allergic
but again like always you failed to inform me of how you felt and later retaliated against me when I couldn't read your mind
always claiming "I knew"

I'm really mean to my cat sometimes and I know why
when we can't find someone or something to blame we will pick anything to make us feel better
even if subconsciously we have no idea we're doing it

you were allergic to her and it strained our relationship
I blamed a cat I love with all my heart
because I could never understand how you could have flipped into a totally different person
it's not her fault
it's not my fault
it's not the other man's fault
it's not even your fault

losing love hurts especially when it just happens
we may love until we feel our bodies writher from pain from crying
we may love until we are dead

but I will not take the blame anymore
and I wont put it on my cat either

don't blame the rain on the weatherman

you can't get mad at me
because I remember when you begged
and you cried on the phone
and told me you read all of my poems
and that you were sorry
and you would make everything better

because you knew how I loved you so

but it was already so far gone
it was much too late

I had already cut out a piece of my heart
and soul
that I will never get back

so you can't get mad at me
for struggling to give you space
because you and me was all I ever knew

and I made it all the ******* way back
this time last year I wanted to **** myself
**** MYSELF FOR JESUS ******* CHRIST
AND IM STILL HERE
WITH NO HELP FROM YOU

I made it I made it

I made it

tears of joy fall down my face now
because I didn't do it!!
I didn't do it
God knew I was far too important to take my own life
and that I deserved to find myself again

I can't promise you most things
but I will promise you this

I won't fall in love again like I did
and I'm not trying to be sentimental
or nastalgic

love tears you to pieces
while you think it's stitching you together
until you realize
the stitches were made of glass
and the hands you left your heart in were made of thorns

so I stole it back
and I'm stitching up myself now

I'm using my pain as my indestructible thread
to piece myself back together

so you can't be mad at me for trying to deal with things the best I can

because I MADE IT BACK
I DID
you may have felt your own pain but you can never be in my head
and I wouldn't wish that upon you

so don't accuse me of trying to destroy you
when the only thing I've come close to destroying is myself

this isn't about you
this has always been about me

my brain has felt foggy for quite a long time
it seems only drugs can clear it away
and happiness and love are able to find their way through

the hardest thing to ever accept is that this is how I am
when did I become such a sad girl
when I used to be the one who was always smiling

when did I become so afraid of being alone
and when did I love sleeping in my bed laying in my tears
rather than being outside and enjoying the Earth
my heart is heavy today
and it is hard to find the will to move my legs up from my bed
and to walk across the street

the only thing that can give me life is people
but at the same time I feel the constant desire to be alone in my thoughts

when will this constant battle end
when I am dead?
it frightens me
to think all the pain goes away when I am no longer living
but it also comforts me

everything will be okay soon
I know that
but today
half of the day inside alone
has felt like it has aged me four years
and I'll look at my face in the mirror
and see more lines
from stress
and sadness

thank goodness pain isn't reflected on the outside
for I wouldn't be a pretty sight

when I woke this morning
my eyes shot open
and I realized how truly awake I was

a strong desire to fall back asleep
to avoid feelings that have been haunting me

each night my lullaby is a prayer
asking for help
not for me
but for you

it helps me sleep soundly
knowing that God had heard my pleading prayers
because I am helpless in this state

I am ok
I understand that now
that I will be fine
but I worry about you

God separated us so violently
so maliciously
and so carefree

because I needed to truly find myself
to understand my feelings
and my heart

had I never lost you
I would have never found my art
my poetry

it may have driven me into the arms
of a ****** up love with someone else
but now I am so strong

so I pray for you

I pray God is testing you as well
opening up a door you long bolted shut
prying his fingers underneath where I couldn't reach

I wish I could break down this door
but it is a part of you
and I wish to never break you again

I'm sorry for everything
we both know

but I'm not sorry for God's plan
for we can feel it in the room
in our heart's frequencies

I am here
do not be afraid
do not let her make you feel sorry
or helpless
or scared

you told me you do not need anybody
and that includes me
and that is alright

but please get out
I am so afraid for your health
all I want is your divine happiness
and all she is bringing is frustration

I miss the innocence
and sincerity
of knowing nothing
about
someone

they are anything you view them
or want them
to be
for just an instance

they are mysterious
beautiful

but one day you pull back the curtain
and behind is a lot of thorns
anger
violence

protecting a heart covered in bandages
that cannot take another blow
for it took many very young


the mystery of knowing nothing about someone
is as simple
and beautiful
as love

without love we know no pain
but what is love without pain?

a smile could be a mere smile
and each day would just be another day
never having to re-adjust to being alone
after a year has passed

young people are searching for someone
to make them feel complete
possibly wanted
wanting to feel purpose

but they don't understand
how simple
and painless
it is to know someone from
afar

to only carry your own battles
only your own worries

the day someone walks in your life
and you fall in love
NOTHING will ever be the same

nothing

it is both good and bad

I think I lost my innocence when I fell in love
and I'll spend my whole life looking for love that can replace in my heart what I feel has been

lost

but will I too resort to thorns guarding a shivering heart?

I don't know if I'm meant to be in love, but I think, deep deep in my heart... that when I'm laying there dying, you will be there holding my hand. you're going to be the last face I see either with my eyes or my heart in my last moments.

the sadness never goes away
it just peeks around the corner every so slightly
so most days you just shoo it away

but then some days
it blind sides you
and it is screaming in your face
and you have to pretend it isn't there
but it's breathing your air
in your comfort zone
cracking your ribs from the inside

it is choking you
and your heart is being held in its hands
and it won't stop squeezing

it's like a mother screaming at her child in the supermarket
you can intervene
but you know that when they get home
it is just going to continue
but it will be much worse

so most times you turn your head
and ignore it
but your heart is still so heavy
and you will never forget seeing the mother
scream at her child

this sadness is hanging with me
and as much as I can turn my head
I will still feel it screaming in my face
but no one can save me