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Red Sep 2013
it is actually quite nice not having to see you
or worry about seeing you once a week

i never used to know when you would turn up at work
or maybe the supermarket
or even driving around in your Jeep

but now i'm three hours away
and i was completely 100% right when i said this would help

because yeah i think of you every day
if not twice a day

but i don't see you anymore
and now when i get a message
or a call

it's more like a friendly reminder
of the love that i used to feel
and how we would laugh
and you would grab my sides

instead of an ongoing steak
plunging itself into my heart
and putting pain in my stomach

i never see you anymore
so i don't have hurt anymore

but that scares me
because what happens when i come back
and i do see you
for the first time
in months

will it start over
or will my feelings be gone,
and will you be starting over?
Red Sep 2013
being in college is actually really fun
there are cute boys
actually hot boys
everywhere

so i don't mind walking to class everyday
seeing their sweaty abs in this heat

but at the same time i scold myself for even looking
because i feel unworthy

i hate to be the typical white girl who hates her body
but i do
i don't want to
but its almost like a disease that i can't stop

i'm addicted to putting myself down
and in my eyes that's almost worse than drugs

help me i'm insecure
Red Sep 2013
i've been wanting to write a poem for some time
but i've been stopping myself

i don't know if i'm afraid of the rejection
or that my poem will actually be good
and someone i care about might see it

or you might see it

either way the idea of someone seeing another vulnerability terrifies me
but at the same time its exciting

i'm not sure
i don't really get myself either
Red Jul 2013
If men were toys that you could buy at a store
And create like Legos or Bionicles or Lincoln Logs
Each time I would try to put together my perfect man

And each time I would build a less perfect you
Red Jul 2013
I don't understand
how my heart has a feeling
it's just supposed to beat
and put liquid life through my veins.

but when I think of you
and know that I will never have you
and that it was indeed the last hug
the last kiss
the first time and last time I held your hand

it hurts so bad.

I want to tell it that it is confused
no heart
don't do that
stop.

there isn't a hole there
if there was I would be dead.

but why does it feel like that?
that my chest is continuously caving in
that all pressure is on one spot.

no heart
don't do that
stop.
Red Jul 2013
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care about you so much and I want you to be happy. I'm sorry that every day I think about you and hope that you're having a good day even if I'm not. Even if its the worst day of my life I'm sorry I still hope your day is perfect. I'm sorry that I never want one tear to drop and I never want to see one frown. I'm sorry that I want your life to be perfect beyond measure. But I'm mostly sorry that you do not want me. I'm sorry that I'm not as artistic and I say stupid things and I'm not as pretty because I don't like to wear a lot of makeup. I'm sorry that I think of things that you would like to see me in and clothes that you would like to see me wear. I'm sorry that I want to lose weight so you may think that I have an attractive and fit body. I'm sorry that I imagine everything over and over again in my head. I'm sorry I'm crying while typing this. Most of all things over everything, I'm sorry that I complimented your eyes without your glasses. I'm sorry that when I had you I left you and broke you more than I ever can realize. I'm sorry you don't feel anything anymore, and I'm sorry that you're the only thing that is keeping me alive. I'm sorry I met you. You'll never see me again. I love you. I'm not sorry for that.
Red Jul 2013
Winter tends to bring out the worst in people,
living in Wisconsin doesn't make it easier,
when 60%,
of one year,
of your life,
is cold and wet.

We all yearn for summer,
The word "summer" itself becomes a cliche,
we can't stop talking about it,
and us northerners think about it often.

then the days come when the leaves are on the trees,
and boats and docks sprawl on the thawed out lakes.

And we become happier.

Even those of us with hurt feel bads,
and broken hearts,
they can all forget the pain for a moment.

When they wake up on a summer day,
and hear birds chirping,
and hear the country music blaring,
and the days are longer,
and everything seems pure.

I even can forget about you for a moment,
when my beachy hair flies in my face,
and the lake water covers my skin.

Summer helps me to forget you,
Even though it is when we met.

I'm forgetting you.
Filling up the holes you left,
Finally.
Forgetting.
All of it.
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