falling has never been a graceful act
it has always been a bit messy

over time we learn who to fall for
and we try not to get hurt

but over time I have not stopped
I still fall in love with the same men:

hey you look kind of broken
  well I'm broken too
we can work perfect together
learning about our scars
   and soft spots

but later:

actually don't worry about me
I love you too much
be as happy as possible
I will try to fix your broken parts
and try to fill your broken heart

just please never be sad again
I can't take it when such a soul
is poisoned
with the sadness we both have

I'll be okay
Don't worry about me
I can handle it
I've always handled it
I have to handle it
for you

I know you still feel it too
in the air
in between our bodies

But you're too afraid to love
I'm much too proud to wait
I'm leaving
you're staying

so we ignore our existences
both growing numb
so this pain will never be felt
again

It makes me feel bad,
how I become so anxious,
to be sure that you love me.

I should just accept the fact,
that you keep me on your mind.
And be grateful,
that I'm the only one.

I should not let them,
  the traders
  manipulators
  and heart breakers,
Control my future with you.

I used to be the one who didn't worry.
"Go with the flow"
"Whatever happens, happens"

I found him under my skin.
I hated myself.
So. Many. New.
i n s e c u r i t i e s.

You taught me to love again,
  not only you,
Myself.

Thank you.

So,
as long as at the end of the day,
I'm the one you think of late at night.

everything else is alright with me.

I try so hard to remember
every detail
the squinty eyes
with little eyelashes
but so much wonder.
the thick hair that falls so perfect,
that has the childish blonde peaking through.
a loud laugh that echoes,
but is so rare.
the teeth in a u,
and crooked on the bottom.
occasional glasses,
with a slightly bigger nose.

I try to remember everything about your face,
so one day when you decide to forget about me,
which may be soon,
I can still dream about you like it never happened at all.

I will wait for you.
As long as it takes.
No matter how many days,
or how many girls you will have to experience prior.
That is all okay with me.
As long as at the end of it all, you're with me.

it's bothersome,
how I let this thing well up in my throat,
time and time again.
   and pretend that it's okay,
   that you hurt me as much as you do,
   when in reality it is really not.
you are so beautiful,
everything you do,
and you will never believe it.
   so in return I get pushed away,
   and you see how far you can push me,
   until I stop coming back.
but we both know that will never happen,
you will never be "ready,"
and I will never stop trying.
   one of us will have to give in eventually,
   whether it is love,
   or if it is defeat.
and I reallly don't want to lose.