I've started drinking just to lose coherence.

I've started holding back because without you there's no ******.

I've started smoking just to make sure I'm actually breathing once it becomes increasingly difficult.

I've started popping pills just to numb the feel of my barely there pulse.

I've started gulping down red bull just so when my heart hurts I'm able to find it.

I've started building walls just to replace the bridges once built.

I've continued to scar myself just to make sure I still feel.

I deemed it all fit since your absence, the only things that're real.

What are you doing in your life,
Besides what you think is right?
Going under with the main stream downtown,
Forgetting you could be glowing and you can't drown.

Your mind is bigger than your years,
Broader than the galaxies.
And with ease you surpass all of your peers,
Despite the many different mentalities.

Don't limit yourself to an island,
Go to 196 countries.
Let your horizon widen,
You have that potent will, guaranteed.

The smoke,
That you claim clears up your mind,
Clouds your vision and makes your goals broke,
Forcing you to think you properly invested your time.

You have a unique rhythm, no question,
You're not ordinary, you're much more.
I know you're not the same, this is just a phase.
Close the pages and open some doors.

See what's real, set yourself on it- it's all achievable when you clear up the
*haze.

Out of all the things I've said and done,

The scars on my arm are the deepest ones.

I'm pouring out the sorrow,

And letting the grief run.

But, some day it will flow no more,

And like a druggie on an overdose,

I'll be half sitting, half laying with a deadly weapon in one hand,

And my life on the floor-

My time oozing to a stand.

I need to make changes for the better,
I need to get out from under this stormy weather.
Given, I love the rain and thunder,
But, sometimes too much is enough and I need to take cover.

I need to go away- with the option of return, though..
I need time to mend these jagged edges and end these sorrows.
I might hurt some, this process will be painful and slow,
I know my heart will ache and wither, but at the same time it'll grow.

I need to be forgiven,
I need to make amends.
Fix these broken bridges with the pillars I've dreamt,
Tear down these walls and pave open roads with resilient cement.

I need and want many things,
I've been left with a feeble and fragile whim.
I need a couple endings to signal new beginnings.
But, most of all, I needingly want to feel whole again.

Although I missed you, I didn't miss the yells
And all the times you made me feel unwell;
Whether it was physical or emotional,
Your love was harsh and you made it seem personal.

Your huge hands to hold me, you used to hurt me.
Your warm smile you used to spit fire.
Those hazel eyes were made to captivate me,
And they did just that, in a prison cell was where I resided, forcefully.
Your loud, beautiful laugh was used mockingly,
And the way your words flowed showed me who I was, accidentally.
Your big, warm heart was charred- it beat quietly,
and you passed on the black smoke, unintentionally.
It filled up my mind, my lungs,
And with every breath I took I became even more numb.


Maybe this is why I look for you in every man,
It's all I've ever known.
And although it wasn't the most ideal plan,
Black was the only color I was ever shown.