The list of things that I wanna do with him,
the situations I wanna be in,
the scenarios I've created in my head,
all of it,
it's huge.
But trust me, it's cute.
I wanna adore him,
like I adore god for sending him on this planet.
I wanna be around him,
always,
like that bracelet in his hand.
I wanna hug him,
like the beach does,
to the sand.
I wanna be a part of him,
like the sun becomes,
of the river,
at dusk.
I wanna make love with him,
but with good intentions and purity.
I wanna love him,
till my soul leaves my body.
I wanna give it all for him,
and live with him till my last breathe.
But what if he's not upto all this ?
What if he don't wanna do the things,
that I wanna do ?
What if god have just sent him to give me another heartbreak ?

From strangers to friends,
Then, friends to something more,
And then, both of us just started to ignore.
as you shifted from frequently contacted to block list in my phone,
and everything we had between us,
just got vanished !

And now it's sad how we have nothing between us anymore.
I am seriously scared to catch feelings anymore !
I don't know if I am good enough for you.
Maybe you deserve someone better,
and not a mess like me.

No matter how hard I try,
memories play in my head on repeat.
I try to forget you,
but a part of me,
just don't let you go.
Youu moved on and I'm still standing here,
waiting for you to look back and say,
"are you ok my love ?"

Yes I was the one who ended it !
Because I was mad at myself,
and not at you.
Yes ! I miss you and I still love you.
But when you will come in front of me,
I'll just act like I am better off without you,
And I don't need you.

But it's really not true,
but I'll act so.
Because I accept that,
Whatever happened can't be undone.
So I'll take it as a lesson,
because you can't be forgave the forgot.

This is life,
you'll have nights,
when you won't let your body fight,
and you won't sleep tight.
You'll have days,
when you'll try to escape,
but just don't hate.
This isn't a bad life,
but just a bad day.
This is life,
and you'll be in pain,
just keep fighting with the monsters in your brain.
Things will get tough,
but so are you my darling.
You'll never ever give up,okay?
Just keep learning.
Now,wake your soul up and listen,
you're here for a reason,
stop waiting for seasons.
This is your time,
get out of your comfort zone,
because you're strong,
stronger than you know.

She always refused to try those DIY face masks and home remedies ,
and never took care of herself before .
But today ,
she put on a face mask ,
turned on the music a lil louder than usual ,
and tied a sleek ponytail !
You  know why ?
In order to distract herself ,
in order to escape !
No ! it's not her heartbreak ,
it's just because of a heartattack in her kidney !
Yes ! Because she found out that ,
her results of board exams were gonna come out the next day .

Do you ever ask yourself if you're happy with your life ?
Do you even know how to live ?
Or just survive ?
Are you doing what you love ?
Because that's the only way to be truly satisfied .

No one can ever tell you or decide for you ,
because there's a voice inside of you ,
that speaks all day long and tells you what's right and what's wrong .

Try listening to it ,
just don't let it suffocate .
Don't ever let it die .

We all are puppets in this world ,
and we spend a big patch of our lives ,
doing what our parents , teachers , friends , preachers , want us to do ,
but not ourselves .

But one day ,
responsibilities will come to us ,
we won't know what we're supposed to do ,
because we never did .
Then ? What will you do ?

So , you still have time !
Just stop being inefficient ,
because now , you've to decide .
It's never too late to make things right ,
don't just sit their and wait .

Listen to your heart ,
and that voice held inside .
Stop being a puppet ,
and learn to lead your own life , own your own .

Her eyes have something more beautiful than moon and stars,
but what about her scars?
She screams for help but no one listens,
there are so many monsters an demons hidden.
Sometimes she escapes,
sometimes she fights,
but all alone,
she cries.
She still smiles and hides all the pain in her eyes,
She made that pain look beautiful,
but no one will ever understand,
how the truth is so painful.

I grew up watching and listening to fairy tales ,
and movies of innocent love .
But things changed ,
when I entered my teenage .

I always learnt that real queens fix each other's crown ,
but today , when I look around ,
all I can see is ,
girls trying to put each other down .

I see boys having lust to cherish all the girl's body ,
rather than one's inner beauty .
Where are those caring prince charmings ,
who sticks to one girl ?

I see precocious children ,
the children whose mental attitude is developed beyond their ages .
The ones who treat the innocent ones acidly ,
all they fancy about is ,
how to ruin someone's life .
Where's kindness ? Where's humanity ?

Even home don't feel like sweet home .
And what all these kids feel is ,
loneliness and homelessness .
Why so ?
Where are those chuckles and laughter of family members in the home ?
Where's heartiness ?
Because all I get to see around is ,
parents behaving snappishly ,
and , ignoring their kids getting disconcerted by this .

I see brothers fighting like foes over the money of the people who whelped them .
Then , I see people censuring them ,
without having proper knowledge about the things going on .
I see people supporting tyranny with graces and glories .
They only do this for fun , right ?
But what about humbleness ?

This rage and brutish behavior will take this world nowhere .
So , I still sit under the sky of full of stars ,
and , glance furtively .
I try not to weep over trifles ,
I know this world is worn out ,
and thinking about all this ,
makes me feel woeful .

Sometimes , I groan ,
because I'm not valiant .
And my cowardice nature ,
don't let me blaze forth .
I think about making a change ,
I think about being a change .
But I don't know if I'm worth it ,
I don't know if it's necessary to have a poetic license for it .

I honestly don't know if I should adapt all this or ,
put on my gay dress to gallivant .
So , I walk , stumbling and timidly and with agitation , unwillingly , like an impassive child .
So , when someone will look around ,
and notice me ,
they'll just find me a crazy and daft child .

I really don't know what's going on right now !
Because I can't see anything beautiful happening ,
maybe this world is turning into something very different !

Unrequited love hurts ?
But for me,
it's a pleasure to sit and waste all my time, counting to infinity,
and wait to get the love back that I've been giving.
Waiting to be destroyed by the betrayal from a person who don't even know that I exist.
But does that mean I'll stop loving ?
No, because it's hard to love again,
if you truly felt affection towards someone.
Doesn't matter if there's any love left,
but just pain.
When you let someone go,
you lose a part of yourself and I'm not ready to feel a blank space inside of me so I'll stay.
I want to feel like someone's holding me,
or I'll fall down.
I need something to keep me going,
or my life will be miserable,
and more like hell.
I'm just another star but I still believe in happy endings because my love is true.
I can't leave you behind,
and move forward in my life.
Because I've already convinced myself that one day,
you'll be mine.
What if I'm nothing without you ?
Just a thought of you is so magical,
It feels like home.
I wander all the time,
but still, end up coming back to you.
I've done things I won't ever do,
just because I've you.
I'm not in your life,
but you're all that I look forward to.

क्रिएटिव राइटिंग का कोर्स था करना,
साइंस का नहीं,
पोएट्री का स्वाद था चखना !
गिरना है,
पर कुछ सीखना है उससे,
भागना है,
पर गति का ध्यान रखना है ।
संभालना है,
और हमेशा खुदका ध्यान रखना है ।
क्या मतलब जब में खुश नहीं हूं ?
क्या मतलब जब में इतना सेह रही हूं ?
चलो मान लिया कि सब ठीक है,
पर मुझे ऐसे नहीं जीना !
सब का मन्न रखते,
खुद को खोती जा रही हूं ।
डर लगता है कि कहीं इतनी गुम ना हो जाऊ,
की वापस ही ना लौट पाऊ ।
यह टूटे ख्वाब लेके में कहा जाऊ ?
इस धरती पे, किस पराए को अपना बनाऊ ?
सबको लगता है कि मेरी लाइफ तो सेट है क्यूंकि यह बंदी तो सबके सामने हस्ती है,
पर केसे बताऊ की ज़िन्दगी केसे कट रही है ?

Do you ever just sit back and think that how crazy our lives are ?
Or is it just me ?
Do you ever think of how precious a moment is, when you're actually enjoying it to the fullest ?
Or i it just me ?

I hope I'm not not the only one who gets hit by this wave of sadness from nowhere,
when I was doing fine two minutes before.
I hope you don't think of me as a stupid person,
just because everyone else thinks so.

Sometimes, I just feel like getting my life together at midnight,
but next day, I'll just be waking up with a sad face.
Sometimes, I can't stop myself from crying and just cry myself more to stop,
and on some days,
I'll try to let it all out with tears,
but my eyes will remain dry,
and the pressure in my head, just increases by.

Overthinking about what could happen or what would have happen because of that one thing,
but not having energy in my body to make things right,
or to bring my life back on track or to bring any peace.

I don't know how to feel, express or even talk about it.
I can't define this feeling in words,
but it's with me, all the time.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm numb,
but I do also feel crazy when my different 69 moods hits me, all at once.

Is this how all of this is supposed to be ?
This is how life goes ?
Or is it just my life.
which is messy ?

"Have you lost your brain?" is the only question they ask me most of the times.
"Yeah, i guess.But what am I supposed to do now?"is my only reply.
"You're just overreacting", they said.
And then, I just told my heart that,
maybe my feelings aren't valid.

After all of this,
I just became really silent.
I think a lot in my head but,
I'm not the same anymore.
Now, they ask me,"what's wrong?" and Ii replied
"You asked me to shut the ** up indirectly.So, thank you.I just haven't really felt anything since then."

I'm a soft, brown teddy bear sitting on the couch.
I see this guy wondering why he's apposite for this society.
I see him sleeping every night.
I soak all his tears when he cries.
He don't accept that he hugs me tight,
when he don't feel fine.
Because that makes him "weak" and "gay",
as he's supposed to be "strong" like a real boy.

I don't wanna study,
but I don't wanna fail!
So,I sit with my books all the day.
I try so hard,
but I still can't satisfy my parents and teachers with my grades.
This education system ruined my teenage.
It controlled my day and night.
I spend all of my time,
studying maths and science.
I'm sorry but now,
I feel pressurized.
I'm sorry but I  can't study all the time.
I'm trying my best,
but still,I'm sorry,if you can't see my efforts.
You don't even know,
how many times I revise those,
derivations,principles and rules.
This *****!
And at this point of time,
I honestly have no clue,
I really don't know what to do.

Currently at a point of life ,
where I'm already dead inside .
But let's just pretend that we're fine ,
because nobody cares anyway .

So , tell me , how's life ?
Great ! Right ?
But we know ,
we both are lying .

I'm not suicidal ,
I'm just tired and numb and ,
I don't feel this pain and ,
I don't even know what it's like to be okay .

It's just like ,
I'm surviving but not living ,
physically present here but lost somewhere ,
around so many people but still alone ,
no peace or no one ,
feels like home .

It's just that ,
I try to escape from my mind  everyday .
Everyday just passes by and I wonder ,
what's wrong with me.
I try to find the answer ,
but unfortunately , I fail .

Dreams come true if you try your best.
But what if you mess things up ?
What if you fail ?
Is there any hope ? a chance ?
to make things right again .
Yes ! But only if you've the courage .

But what if you're anxious because of what happened every time you tried ?
What if you're scared this time ?
You're so much than all of this ,
don't you know that ?

I don't know.
I don't understand.
Because  when I was confident ,
I wasn't right in their eyes .
I was hated and treated in a way ,
I didn't like .

Am I on the wrong path ?
I don't know anymore.
Because when I did ,
did they let me decide ?
No ! My decision didn't matter ,
it didn't make any change .

So, who knows the correct road for me anyways ?
I'm lost and can't move further ,
or maybe , just stuck ,
because I can't even find my way back .

I don't know if I should just give up ,
or just give myself another chance .
But I know my words aren't valued here ,
so , I learned to write poetry .

Hey best friend !
I love you !
So , keep smiling .
Oh ! I forgot to tell you ,
your smile is contagious ,
and it gives me felicity .
Yeah I know you expostulate with me when it comes to coffee .
But still , you're the best because ,
you're tolerating the loony and loquacious me .

Oh my best friend !
How are you so hot ?
How can I forget how you changed my life for better when ,
it was null and naught .
You saved me ,
when I jeopardized myself .
Thank you for all the suggestions and lessons .
You helped me a lot and ,
you were always there for me when I needed you the most .

I  text you even when ennui don't hit me ,
because I love talking to you .
Overall , you're my happy pill !
No matter how bad my mood is ,
you always fix me .
You taught me to smile again ,
and you enlivened  my life .
I found a piece of me ,
with you ,
I lost before some time .

Hopefully , we'll meet one day ,
and I'll hug you tight .
And , on that day ,
distance won't **** anymore .
I'm honestly so glad that I met you ,
you're all mine , okay ?
And I appreciate our friendship ,
thank you idiot !

It's friday night ,
got a lot of **** to do ,
but I'm tired .
I feel like ,
I should write .
But do I've any time for myself ?
No !
Because I'm fighting for a degree ,
that I don't even want for myself .
It feels like , I'm drowning ,
or maybe , just something like ,
slowly dying .

A lot of events occur in our lives.
Some are happy and enjoyable but some are sad and traumatic.
You lose hope,
and you notice differences in people's behaviour towards you.
And that's how you learn to bear with all the ache.
When you choose to prioritize yourself first,
when you take your own decisions and when you don't care about people's opinions,
a lot of things change.
Make replacements.
And get rid of the negative people and love the ones who encourage you instead.
It's hard but it's crucial,
so you've to do it,
and you know what ?
The less you care,
the more they hate.
This change is necessary as depending on people for emotional support isn't good,
because you never know about people's intentions.
To cope with loss,
you become stronger.
So strong that you don't need anyone else.
Just believe that if everything's falling apart right now,
it will fall into place too soon.
Just have faith in your actions fall for the person you've became after these turns and obstacles in this life's stage.

(Quotes into turning
"I know I'm losing many but I'm loving the person life's turning me into ."
-Nitya Prakash
~
"One of the most crucial but hardest things yo do as a part of turning your life around is to get rid of all the negative people around you and replace them who encourage you instead."
-Neal Boortz )

If she's smiling ,
doesn't mean she's happy .
If she's acting fine ,
doesn't mean nothing is wrong .
If she comes off strong ,
doesn't mean she don't cry anymore .
If she's sitting silently ,
doesn't mean her heart don't wanna scream .

Don't trust her fake smiles ,
don't trust her when she says she's fine .
She have been losing her mind lately ,
she have been so lost from a while .
And the sad part is ,
no one can see it , no one cares .

She have been treated acidly ,
she have been unloved and ignored ,
and still , she's so bold .

Everything that happened to her in the past ,
makes her the person you get to see today .
She was this , little happy girl ,
but now , just a girl who fakes a smile throughout the day .

She's a precious pearl ,
and deserves all the happiness in the world .
Even though she thinks that she don't deserve it ,
she do and she's perfect in all the ways .

I lack words to describe her ,
but I appreciate the girl ,
who have been through so much ,
and still stands strong .

Everything that's going on around me ,
isn't what I want .
Things aren't going as planned ,
and all of this ***** ,
and ***** with my head .

I can't do this anymore ,
no ! not anymore !
I've got secrets ,
that makes me hold my breathe all the time .

It feels like I'm trapped ,
and this trap is my past ,
which is stopping me from moving forward .
There's something really wrong with me .

I don't know how to express ,
but keeping it all inside ,
hurts a lot sometimes .

Till now , I've just figured out one thing ,
for me , writing is a great release .
I don't know how to deal with all of this **** .
So , I put my feelings into my poetry .

To be honest , now ,I spend a lot of my time ,
playing with these words in my mind .
It don't feel the same anymore ,
no ! it's not easy but also , not that dark here ,
I think it's all getting better ,
because I can see the light .

I don't know if I've got my **** together or not ,
it's still heavy but I guess now I know how to carry it properly .

Well ! In between all of this ,
I've found a piece of me ,
and I guess that's the best thing .
I'm blessed to be here ,
and thankful for the person I'm becoming .

"Who am I and why I wanna run away from this **ed up society ?"
"Just a girl from a middle class family who got big dreams and notices a lot of little things."
"Working hard for my dreams,
because I don't wanna die regretting !"
"I'm here to make a mark,
instead of caring about people's opinions on my activities."

Corrupted officers and ministers making big promises,
but disappearing after they win,
so, who will take the responsibility ?
Little kids at the orphanage center,
have no authority.
People living outside living railway stations and on streets,
got no food to eat.
These people believe in making money,
wasting it on useless materialistic things,
but bother when it comes to donating.

Kids of private schools aren't happy because they're having depression and anxiety.
Mental health awareness ?
No one talks about it, in this society.
And government school kids are just dying,
because there are no facilities.

Girls getting married before getting their college degree.
Guys living on their parent's money at the age of 30.
If you like something that's out of their understanding,
the, you should be focusing on studies.
So many people, undiscovered.
So much of talent, still hidden in the streets.
Suppressed dreams, dysfunctional families,
there is so much more in the story,
that you hear. sitting with aunties.
So many people being judgy and living with a sick mentality.
Welcome to then dark side of the society.


I noticed all this and that's why I don't settle for less than my capability,
and I'm not gonna lower my standards to adjust in this society.

I say I'm fine ,
but I'm going insane .
I say I feel good ,
but I'm in pain .
I say it's nothing ,
but it's really a lot .
I  say I'm okay ,
but I'm **** not .
I want help ,
but don't ask me how I actually feel .
I'm hurt and this wound can't be healed .
I don't know what's wrong !
But I know that ,
these thoughts are very deep !
No one feels this way ,
and if I do ,
my feelings aren't valid .
Tell me what can I do if I feel so stupid ?

Today, I choose bright blue sky,
over the sleepless dark nights.
Smile over tears.
Staying alone over fake people.
Simplicity over extraordinary.
Self-respect over attitude.
Satisfaction over guilts.
Happiness over people's opinions.
Today,
I decide to write my own story,
over all these judgements and expectations.
Today,
I decide to search for my purpose,
to search what I was made for
Today,
I choose life !
I know I'm getting a lot of hate,
to do things in this way.
Ii know this path seems dark and hard,
but if needed,
I'll become the light !
And, I' promise, I'll come back,
shining even more bright.

If you don't love yourself,
you'll live with a thought of love.
You'll never be able to fill that hole in yourself,
if you keep searching for putty of affection in others,
and not yourself.

But this isn't how it works.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Why is it so hard to accept who you really are ?
Why to hate the emotions that stir within you ?

Why do you crave for perfection ?
Don't you know that it comes from being the real you.
Embrace the beauty of your heart,
because that's a valid point to care about.
Instead of caring about your looks,
or the attention you get from people.

Why to be so harsh on yourself ?
Why to hate yourself ?
It's okay to take your time.
You'll heal and,
you'll grow from all the hate you've towards yourself.

Accept your flaws,
it makes you unique.
Your body,
it carries you through life.
Your failures,
it creates a room for improvement.
Your purpose,
it matters and your reason to live, everyday.

You'll keep trying to get someone to love you,
and you'll keep getting tricked.
This searching is going to take you nowhere,
but just to a heartbreak.
Try walking in the journey of self-love,
because that path will take you places.
Work on loving yourself.
otherwise,
your every relationship and task will fail.

Prioritize yourself first.
Take a minute everyday to tell yourself that :
"I'm good enough and I don't need to compare myself with anyone else".
Try falling in love with yourself because when you'll do that,
all the monsters in your head will go away.
You'll be okay with all your flaws and your real self,
when you stop doubting your worth and believe that you're perfect in your own ways.

Not all scars can be seen ,
not all wounds can be healed .
You can never even imagine how a person ,
who's hurt actually feels .

Having a broken heart ,
is like , having something broken inside of you .
No one can see it ,
but deep down it kills you .

You never know the real story ,
behind something you get to see .
Things are different in reality ,
maybe not as beautiful as it seems .
Maybe it's more painful ,
and , full of sorrows and miseries .

Some people just keep everything to themselves ,
deal with their demons ,
and all the thoughts ,
in their mind .
Maybe they can't find proper words to define ,
or not the right person ,
who understands .

You'll learn the best lessons of your life ,
after you get hurt ,
after you experience different things ,
the ones you never thought you really need .

You'll get broken over some people and situations ,
but life goes on ,
what can you do ?
you've to deal !

Just don't give up on this life ,
because where are rainbows without a little rain ?
Get up ! Try harder !
Because isn't easy for anyone here .

And this isn't the end ,
as the best days of your life are waiting for you to come .
Go and prove yourself .
Because you can do this ,
and you don't need to stay broken .

So, I've picked my pen up to write,
for this beautiful lady in my life,
on her birthday eve.
Her presence is everything,
and she's all mine,
because she's always there for me.
She's the reason why I'm still here,
she's the reason why I was born.
Yes ! I'm talking about my mom.

She's the reason why I look forward to life,
I would literally do anything for her smile.
I'd give my life for her, without any doubt, but I'll have to think of words,
well ! You know what ?
I'll never be able to express that,
how much I love her, ever.
Sometimes,
she won't be able to find that I'm not fine,
but it's alright,
as she never fails to comfort me.

Her rough palms,
give me a soft touch.
The hugs from her arms,
when I fall apart are priceless.
So satisfying,
more than those stupid love songs of yours.
Who needs those beds,
when you've your mom's lap ?

Her bubbly face,
with those beautiful brown eyes.
Oh god ! Her cheek shines bright.
She's so amiable.
She sounds more like a friend to me,
but with a motherly attitude.

"You look like your mom"is a forever favourite compliment for me,
as it suddenly starts making me feel good in my own body.
She always tried to do,
what's right for me.
But the age difference sometimes *****,
and mess things up !
But it's okay,
because I just have to make her laugh,
with my silly joke and everything comes back to normal again.

Yeah, I'm sorry for the fact that,
we fight sometimes.
But her importance in my life, can't be defined.
I can write a book on her,
because her struggle and love is,
inimical but inimitable.
So, I'll leave this here with :
Words will always fall short to describe her,
also my efforts and my actions,
but not my affection.

Sometimes, somethings happen in your life,
and it just **s up everything.
You hit the rock bottom,
and feel like, you should die.

Something happened to me and it still haunts me.
The day of february seventeenth.

I put on my perfect black dress,
with my favourite red lipstick.
Loved myself more because I'd someone like him.
In the case of love,
he always seemed a perfectionist.

He arranged a beautiful date,
everything went well till he took me to room no. one hundred and sixteen.
We sat in that room,
and we got a little close,
and started feeling each other's body.
He threw me on the bed,
and it was all really romantic.

But then, I noticed lust in his actions,
and asked him to stop because it wasn't easy to adjust.
But guess who didn't listen to me for the first time ?
How could he not respect my decision ?
Overall, it was my body he was doing things to.

We were so deeply in love,
but when did he change to someone so rude ?
I was forced.
I tried to flee,
as I couldn't bear that pain.
The pain of losing love,
the pain of losing my virginity,
to who I thought, was right.

He was so irate that he left me laone,
I lied their wondering,
where did it all go wrong ?
I never saw him after that,
and I didn't even want to.

So, this was my worst night,
and it still gives me nightmares.
It feels like,
he's inside me.
His touch,
have poisoned me.
But then,
life changed and I decided not to abort you.
And choosed to give you a beautiful life.
You don't deserve to be punished for the mistakes your mother made,
at her young age.

I was 7 when I saw this dream and it still frets me.
I'm trying to connect dots and figure things out till today.
It's been years and I still can't get it out of my head.
So, what's the deal ?
Is that dream a message or just another nightmare ?
I go to sleep,
closing my eyes,
and watching myself falling down the stairs every night.
All of this can't be "just a dream",
I'm not a kid, I'm a teen.
What if there's a story ?
What if I unknown to a mystery ?

Be a flower to the people as spines,
because only want you to shine.
They're not faking anything,
they're just trying to disguise.
Because they don't wanna bother you with their love in their heart for you.
They just have their ways to be affectionate.

Relationship with him wasn't fun anymore .
I wonder when , why and where did it all go .
So many questions and he's not here to answer anymore .
"What happened exactly?"
His voice stopped exciting me ,
seeing him didn't make my heart skip a beat ,
he didn't make me happy like he did before ,
that smile I passed right from my heart when I looked at him ,
I don't do that anymore and now ,
here I'm faking smiles to the people I don't even know .
And sadly,
I realized that ,
there are no feelings left to feel .
I ended it but why ?
No one to make me feel fine and hold me tight .
Should I go back to him ?
Nah ! I'm just hurting ,
his heart and my feelings .
I knew I'm a mess ,
and couldn't hold onto relationships .
Maybe he just gave up too ,
because the future of "us" wasn't clear to him .
What's wrong with me ?
My heart ?
It's just a piece of flesh .
Just another part of my body but it have a beat .
A beat that have a rhythm ,
and speaks that :
if I'd the courage to quit ,
maybe we can heal,fight against my stupidities .
By making efforts ,
to get through this .

So, this year is ending,
and I've already dealt with a lot in a past two years.
No ! I'm absolutely fine,
because I'm just becoming stronger.
Let's talk about the last seven days of this decade.

25th December, 2019 :
Realizing that it's the last Wednesday of the year.
But oh ! It's Christmas today.
It don't feel like it though,
but it's okay !
I just feel dead inside everyday,
the only feeling that stayed with me haha,
and I still can't see it going away.

26th December, 2019 :
Just one day to the weekend and then, hurray !
I should plan something as it's the last weekend of the decade haha.

27th December, 2019 :
And yayy ! Today's Friday.
Little misconvenience happened this morning,
and I'm planning on getting a haircut done today.
Should I cut them like, really really short ?
Get bangs ?
Or just die them purple ?
Oh no ! Shut up ! Stupid head.

28th December, 2019 :
Waking up with a positive mind,
realizing that I feel absolutely fine.
That good feeling,
when you know that,
there are only positive thoughts around.
You feel pretty and glow different,
with new hair and soft shaved skin,
under the blanket.

29th December, 2019 :
So, my friends are asking me about my new year plans.
I don't know who to go with,
and how to celebrate.
It's been two years since I've not stepped out of my house, on new year's event.

30th December, 2019 :
Realizing that how amazing people I've met,
all the memories I've made,
it will stay with me forever.
But also, thinking of so many people I've lost,
because of my decisions and mistakes.

31st December, 2019 :
Finally this week, this month, this year, this decade, have come to an end.
Got any plans for new year ?
Nah ! Gonna sleep after watching a movie and wishing my parents.
I know that new year's not gonna change anything in my life,
till I do something to make things happen.
But still,
let's be positive and hope for the best,
may 2020 be nice to me and all of us.
Aah ! I honestly feel so blessed for everything that happened.
Bye 2019, now let's welcome this new decade.

"You don't sleep at nights ?
Are you sleep deprived ?
Who are you talking to ?
Binge watching ?
What's the matter inside your mind ?
I don't understand that why I've to clarify that,
it's not my phone that keep me up late at nights,
or someone special in my life.
Just my dreams,
makes me lose my sleep.
I always knew that I'm not gonna waste any of my time,
when I know what I've on my mind.
I knew that I needed to think about my happiness first,
because others come at second.
But even after all this,
I just feel like I'm trapped,
because people's opinions,
still effects my plans.
Even though,
I know that,
they don't make any sense.
I just don't understand,
how can I trust anyone ?
How to believe that,
they're my well wishers ?
Because they all seem so sketchy,
at different points of life.
What's this deal?
How do I decide ?
I hate being inefficient,
but I just can't see the truth, with my eyes.
Because everyone here,
is presenting painted lies.

My dreams crumbled one day,
but I saved them in a jar,
to let them fly later, like fireflies.
I never lost hope,
and I never gave up.
Because I believe that I'll get what I want,
and why won't I ?
I know what I deserve.
I'm not here to whine about the consequences to my decisions,
because I've learnt to adjust,
to live with this regret.
I don't cry about my pain in my poetry,
I just pour my heart out on a paper.
My ink is my sword to fight with the reality of life,
and my words give me strength,
and always make me feel like,
everything is going to be fine.
This is something that I'm not dependent on people or materialistic things to be happy,
like the other teens in our society.
I've big dreams,
and I'm ready to achieve a lot of things.
I'm ready to risk it all,
and do what's meant for me.
You can put an halt to my efforts towards it,
but how do you **** a feeling ?
It's my thought process and it works in it's own way,
and it don't even beg for liberty.
As it's already free.
No boundations and no limits,
when it comes to my mentality.
I'm just gonna continue to write more everyday,
for everyone who's suffering.
I'm here to fulfill my dreams,
working on it,
ready to edify and influence the world, with my story.

So , I noticed this guy ,
while coming back from school .
I think I've a crush on him ,
he's kinda cute !

I hope he's more brave than me ,
we can become friends maybe .
I searched for him everywhere ,
instagram , snapchat ,twitter and facebook .
But what's his name ?
Should I go and talk to him ?
um..no ! lame .

But what if he's waiting for me to talk to him ,
and I'm waiting for him to talk to me ?

Let's do this now !
Let's practice some lines to start a conversation .
Suddenly a notification appears on my phone ,
and , oh my god !
This guy texted me saying "hi" !

The butterflies in my stomach ,
fear in my head ,
and redness on my cheeks.

Conversations started ,
we talked for minutes ,
then hours ,
and then , all day long ,
texting , snapping ,every ******* thing .

Not just a friend but he became someone special to me.
And somewhere , we started feeling same things .
Because texts changed from "nothing much" to "thinking about you",
and , ''wassup" to "open the gate,I'm coming to pick you".

Things changed even more between us ,
I don't feel shy but ,
comfortable around him .
These vibes are keeping me alive .

He calls me "babygirl" when I'm sick ,
and , I don't know why he things that he's just a ******* .

He's the most caring person ,
I ever came across !
He's not like everyone else ,
and this , melts my heart .

Life's hard ,
but he held my hand tight in good and bad times .
I slapped him ,
he kissed me ,
and that's when I knew ,
he's the only one for me .

Hiding behind screens,
crying to sleep.
Cool on instagram,
fool in reality.
This is what our generation is ?
Social media is everything,
so doing anything for likes and views,
from the people we don't even know, existed before this.
Connecting with people from different corners of the world,
but not making an effort to talk to the person sitting next to us.
What's the point of living in the same house ?
when we can just see each other's status on facebook ?
Swearing, bullying, blackmailing and hacking people online,
but being nice and acting all fine, in reality.
Blocking and unfollowing people we don't like,
deleting their pictures from our device.
But how do we block the memories ?
The moments we've spend with them,
how to clear this data from our minds ?
Faking **,
and living a lie.
Just pretending to be alright,
as no one really have the courage to get self-loathed,
by accepting the truth.
But what about self-discovery ?

Both of them missed, cried and talked about each-other to the moon.
Love failed in the eyes of the world that day,
but moon knew they were meant to be.
Because only the moon,
witnessed both side of the story.
And all the love they'd in their in their hearts for each other.

Just another wednesday morning,
going to school, with that same backpack,
and wearing the uniform that I hate,
along with that fake face again.

Witnessing so many stories,
along with these tails.
Realizing that I'm lowkey, living in vain.

Going to the bus stop alone,
realizing no one will ever walk with me,
in this life's journey.

Sitting in that bus,
full of people,
and I see a story in everybody.
But nobody else really like that.
So, maybe it's just me,
making up characters in my head.

Walking in the school,
with so many artists around me.
They're here to make their dreams,
their reality.
But am I doing right to myself ?
Because I feel like I don't even belong here,
I feel like I should quit.

They say "the sun shines bright today",
but they don't know what it's like,
to not to be okay any day.

They try making us understand that how precious time is,
but they don't understand that,
that's the only thing I'm regretting.
How do I tell them that I'm clueless,
how do I explain that all of this,
just don't feel right !
So, I'l just shut up,
because I don't wanna be annoying.

These kids, they talk about each-other,
and every other drama.
But I don't understand why no one talks about life, thoughts and dreams.

It feels like I'm just wasting my time,
and my bad manners are eating me up from inside.
I feel like I'm at a wrong place,
but I can't even escape.

No matter how hard you try,
you'll never become a perfect person for a wrong guy.
You'll meet so many people before you find that one,
maybe not your true love,
but just an attraction.
You may feel like a person is going to stay in your life forever,
but it's not true,
for all the times.
Just wrong timing,
may make you feel so,
for a while.
Don't force your feelings,
also not someone else"s.
You won't have to fight or be confused,
when it's real.
You'll just know,
and feel that special connection.
It won't ask for ****** interaction,
it will just make every bit of your body jump,
with their eyes.
True love will never make you think your decisions twice,
it will just happen and you'll realize,
when you find the right guy.
Just don't pressurize yourself,
and give yourself time.

We all are lost,
and our real selves are hidden in some dark place.
Maybe we don't wanna be found,
or maybe it's just because of the environment around.
Just wanna get away from everything because something feels wrong.
Even tho it's something you've always wanted ?
The life of your dreams ?
Still not satisfied.
There are no good times honestly.
Life's more like a dark room,
which gets lightened up only in the daytime.
Or like, that one favorite fruit of yours,
in the stinky plate of salad.
Or just black coloured piece of cloth,
in your big wardrobe.
Our lives are just series of bad moments,
with little happiness sprinkled on everything,
only if we notice.
Only if we enjoy everything with a smile.
No matter if it's a good thing,
or something that's going to turn into just another bad memory.

I showed you my wounds when I was bleeding.
I showed you my scars when I was healing.
I kept wondering,
why is it taking so long ?
Not knowing, you're the one causing all this pain that I'm dealing with.

Dear mom and dad ,
this is your daughter .
I wanted to say sorry ,
for acting rude sometimes .
I wish I could tell you ,
how hard things have been from a while .
I promise to try my best all the time ,
but can you just stop getting disappointed by my actions ?
Because you really need to admit that ,
your daughter is just a mess .
You deserve a better daughter than me ,
because you guys are amazing .
I feel like I'm a ******* ,
wasting your money and time .
I don't know if I could ever pay back everything you've done for me ,
yes ! yo treated me like a princess ,
but I'm sorry ,
I've lost my crown !

This is to that stranger,
I've loved the most.
We still cross paths,
but it's just not the same.
I hope you're doing okay.
I'll always pray for you,
regardless of the things,
that have changed.
You left,
but memories will always stay.
I gave you my heart in love,
but I don't understand why you returned it to me into pieces.

Remember when I said that,
I'll always be there for you ?
Yeah, I meant it.
So, you can still come to me,
and expect me to act gentle.
No harsh feelings, no hate.
Well ! I don't wanna bother you with my words or my presence.
Anyways, take care.

I used to cry over my grades.
As the pressure was too much,
And it was affecting my mental health.
So, I started writing to escape.
But now,
The things that broke me,
Words that killed me,
Actions that made me simp,
All of that,
Have changed with time.
Now,
I just laugh when I fail.
Because I know my worth,
My plans.
I know that I'll make my upcoming days better than today.

I don't contemplate you as my friend,
because you do a lot of things which aren't acceptable.
But still, expect me to be fine with it.

Putting me on your insta stories or writing me paragraphs,
don't mean a thing,
if you really don't respect me.

Using me for attention and popularity only,
and sticking around me,
because you think I'm cool ?
Yeah ! that idea is absolutely *ty.

Are you even a good friend if you just talk * about me,
behind my back.
Because, bro ! what about loyalty ?

Telling people wrong things about me,
and judging my character,
when Ii told you something,
because I thought you were trustworthy !

Bringing me flowers when I'm sick,
but making fun of my insecurities.

Saying that you wanna make me feel loved but how ?
Because I can't see you doing anything effective,
but just hurting me because I don't expect you to be mean to me.

Using words to express that you care,
but what about actions ?
Well ! you don't even make me feel good in my bad times.
What's your point ?

Not supporting me with anything,
even when I always hype you up,
when you're about to do something terrible.
Because I know that you won't listen to my advices.

Coming to me,
only when you've no one,
is nothing but just selfieshness.
Because you were never there for me.

Hurting my feelings but still calling me your best friend,
as if I'm a backup plan or just "nobody" when you don't need me.

Your toxic traits,
are ** up my living because you're nothing but,
just someone like a trashing machine and,
one of the mistakes that I've made.
Because you're destroying a lot of things, with your toxicity.

I'm used to all this but it's all just so unhealthy,
that I can't even tolerate.
I wish I could unmeet you and,
remove everything we had.

It's a sunday evening and I can't go out because of lockdown.
So, I just decided to enjoy quarantine,
and make some coffee for me.
Just because I don't wanna feel like I'm alone,
and to avoid all the thoughts in my head.
I played my favourite song "anxiety" by Julia Michaels,
because I can totally relate to all the lines in it.

The coffee is already ready.
And now,
I'm just gonna sit in my balcony hearing to my favourite old world sparrow chirping.
Thinking about all the things,
I should be doing,
instead of crying because of social distancing.
And guess what ?
I can't stop thinking.

I could have been enjoying in LA right now !
Yeah, I've been trying to avoid this thought from the morning.
LA has been a dream forever.
And when I finally got a chance,
covid-19 ruined everything.

They say I'm an attention-seeker and always crave for playfulness and excitement.
I express leadership and I don't like feeling.
I don't even if all of this true,
just because my zodiac sign is leo.
Or maybe it is,
but my eyes just fail to see.

Just a maths class led to an incomplete story,
maybe they were just not meant to be.
They had so much in their mind,
but didn't say a word.
They can't bear this pain,
how do they even explain ?
As their feelings were never conveyed,
and now all they do is regret,
because they can't see any hope.
They didn't express.

You've mistaken my words sometimes,
so, I'm writing this for correcting your misunderstandings.
I spent a while thinking that I'm not someone you want me to be,
and this will never make me a good child.
But after sometime, I realized,
you guys raised me, how can you hate me ?
Maybe, lack of communication and understanding,
made me feel so for a bit.

I know I hurted you several times,
but, not intentionally.
I would do anything to give you back all the love you've gave me,
but you know what ?
it won't be enough because,
even on my dark days,
you lightened up every moment.
You helped me writing the best chapters of my life,
when my life felt like blank pages.
I threw away my colors on a paper,
and you made it beautiful,
just with a touch.

Just wanted to say,
thank you for treating me like a princess and loving me more than anyone else.
I'm glad I've you guys to understand me,
thank you for holding me.
Nothing of this will ever go to waste,
and you'll never be in misery because of me.
I'm still your girl, just with a lot of dreams now and believe me,
you'll be proud of me one day.
You'll realize that I was a good decision and you raised me right.

मेरे जज़्बात से वाकिफ मेरी कलम,
हमेशा मेरे सपनो को ही लिखती है ।
और मेरे सपनो का हिस्सा,
तुम भी हो ।
वैसे तो पत्तझड़ में गिरते पतो को कोन पूछता है ?
पर पता नहीं क्यू, में,
मेरा मन,
हमेशा तुमसे यह आशा करता है की,
बस तुम साथ देना ।

मंज़िल चाहे हो भी हो,
जैसी भी हो,
सफर बोहोत सुहाना होगा ।
जब मेरे हाथों में तुम्हारे हाथ,
तुम्हारी बाहों में मेरा बदन,
और दिल को इस बात की तस्सली की,
मेरे पास तुम्हारा साथ होगा ।
कुछ अासान नहीं होगा,
हर मोड़ पे तकलीफे होगी ।
एक पल में सब खो देने का डर तो होगा पर क्या फर्क पड़ता है ?
झेल लेंगे न,
क्यूंकि तुम्हारा साथ भी होगा ।


और अगर कठिन स्तिथि में तुम साथ हो,
तो अच्छे दिन भी जल्द ही आ जाएंगे ।
ज्यादा कुछ नहीं मांगा है,
क्यूंकि कठिनाईयां तो हर मोड़ पे है ।
में बस हर तकलीफ तुम्हारे साथ देखना चाहती हूं,
उससे लड़,
उससे बाहर आना चाहती हूं ।
हमेशा तुम्हारे साथ रहना चाहती हूं,
वोह हर लम्हा जब तक में यह पे हूं,
वोह तुम्हारे साथ जीना चाहती हूं ।

ज़िन्दगी है यह,
यहां कभी भी कुछ भी हो सकता है ।
एक कदम, एक गलती,
और सब खत्म हो सकता है,
पर शायद उस एक कदम से,
बोहोत कुछ बदल भी तो सकता है ।
आज जी रहे है,
कल शायद यहा सांस लेने को नहीं होंगे ।
इसलिए तुमसे पूछ रही हूं ।

जैसे भी रास्ते हो,
हर कदम में साथ दोगे ?
हर खुशी और गम में,
मेरे साथ रहोगे ?
तो क्या बोलते हो तुम ?
मेरे साथ जीना चाहोगे ?

Life, why have you been pretty harsh to me recently ?
Or is it just me who have been harsh to myself ?
I don't know really.
I don't feel like I understand what's going on lately.

What's the meaning of life ?
How do I understand it ?
Who's gonna help me ?
No one ? Really ?

How do I even define it when I don't understand the concept, clearly ?
It's more like a dark room,
which gets lightened up only in the day time.
Or like that one favourite fruit of yours,
in the stinky plate of salad.
It's more about little things,
I think I should stop making it a big deal.

Our lives are just a series of bad moments,
with the little happiness sprinkled on everything.
Only if we notice and enjoy everything.
Only if we smile through our glories,
but also, miseries.
Because we never know,
if something is going to to be a good thing or turn into just another bad memory.

"Why do you write" will always be a hard question to answer.
But I'll try to answer it.
And define my feelings to explain what it's like.
To pour our hearts out on a paper and cry through words everytime,
I write.

I write when I feel unheard,
because people around me only label my thoughts as "chatter".
I write because,
I don't like bothering people who love me,
no matter how much I'm hurting inside.
I write to let all the lava (made up of my thoughts) out,
and sometimes, to relive a few memories.
Or to express how my imagination can go wild and how I can bring life to scenarios in my head,
like it's actually happening in real life.

Whatever I write today,
I believe that someone out there will relate with my words.
And learn from the mistakes I've made.
And realize how beautiful life could be,
and find what they're missing out on.
And fight for what they deserve,
to get what they really like.

And one day, I'll be gone,
but my words will always remain alive.
And I'm sure it will matter,
and read by upcoming generations.
Maybe people won't remember my name,
but my words ill influence their minds.
And what else do I really need ?

It's a sweet addiction,
because you feel relieved.
And when I sit to write,
I don't really care about the fact that,
"writers don't earn enough".
Because I win people's heart.
It brings me happiness,
which can't be bought by money or any other materialistic things.

My biology teacher said this,
"Just because someone is able to tolerate something painful,
that doesn't make the pain any less ".
And that hits close to home.