I would like to go on a date with you before I die

whether I am right
or you prove me wrong
the scars I am making
will be short and long

I would be okay with
Walking down the corridors
Going into my room
Closing the door
Turning out the lights
And just dying

float me down the river
tie me in a tree
string me along
it doesn't matter to me

drown me in your depths
put me in a cage
bind me to the earth
I will not fight your rage

I am much to broken
and in to many parts
for you ever to find
the rest of my heart

so please take me with you
wherever you may go
so I never have to question
what I do and do not know

I torture myself daily
with this tantalizing word
my heart screams out
but it is never heard

just leave me here in chains
lay me upon the rocks
and if the waves claim me
they will shatter the locks

we could never dance
for I can barely walk
my heart is closed
my mouth no longer will talk

your eyes are a beautiful window
so much joy they hold
they spark with energy
and rivers of gold

mine are much to dark
with such deep misery
they are slammed doors
they keep me from being free

down the stairs I would run
I am not sound of mind
this humble smile quivers
and breaks all that is divined

I need a good something
to have in my day
but all good somethings
soon fly away

they go south
and run from the cold
the ice in my hands
they do not like to hold

never have I needed
anyone more than now
I try to make you stay
but I know not how

so let me go
I will wander into the waves
sink to the bottom
and die in the caves

I will be a mermaid
in my last hour
and spend my last breath
in the coolness of a spring shower

the fish will eat my fingers
and I will be at rest
for in the world
I know not, good, better or best

when I looked behind me
I saw
the little pieces of myself
that I had left behind
and had a moment
of silence
and of pain
for the parts of me
that could not
carry on
so they stayed behind
so that I could
carry on alone
in this crowded room
I feel so alone
I wish
my heart was crowded
so tightly
we would barely
have room
to breathe
when life is sad
and hope is far
the ground beckons
and calls me near
it swallows me whole
into its depths
kissing me
into the abys
and so I carry on
the wrong way I go
and no one
has ever tried
to stop me
and tell me
the right way to go
and so I carry on
and leave behind a trail
of misery and pieces
of myself
into the earth
and of my head
I carry on
but will you
carry me?

please
please.
hug me
I am begging you
And don't ever let me go
until we stop breathing
and the world cleaves in half
just hold me
tight
and tighter
until everything
feels alright
I don't know why
It hurts
but it does
and I am torn apart
I don't like it
Any more than you
But I cannot control
the black energy
pouring out of me like oil
like blood
and lies
choking my lungs
on their own air
catch me
catch me.
catch me!
because I am falling
and I can't find my way
its a mess
inside my head
and these feelings
run little strings
all over my mind
and thread me into shreds
of paper
and tears
I worry for you
only
because your worry for me
and fear
and afraid
drives me
I lay down
on my floor
in my head
I shut the door
to keep you all out
so I can be alone
with my selves
so you wont get hurt
but still you hear
my screams
in symphony
with the beating
of your precious heart
and my love
I let go
so I can hold on
even though
I've got it all wrong
survival is a lie
and I can't find the key
to find a way
to be set free
but I tell you
I'm fine
I shut the door
and birth the red lines

the minute
it gets to much
I will push you away

I will run

no sooner spoken than broken

only the fools let go
*only the fools hold on

this paper is so thick
your judgements much to quick
just one blink so still
our eyes, the tears fill

you stamp it down
into your mind
those evil words
mixed with kind

you try to sort
inside your fort
you never let walls down
building up and around

you bite your teeth
into your hand
seep the screams in
like you planned

marks you leave
webs your weave
everywhere you go
but no one will ever know

what's in your head
between your sheet
where the lies
and the demons meet

a pile of sparkling gems
roses without their stems
left alone, left to rot
what is alive and what is not

in a garden
made out of thorns
here the flowers
grown like horns

to sting your palm
and break the calm
less than yesterday
more than today

never thought out
not thinking ahead
just afraid of the night
and filled with dread

like drops of white snow
that gently go
inside a crack
and fill the black

I hold your heart
inside of my own
I can't let you out
to be all alone

the protection you desire
the fear you hold like fire
every tempest hotter
without a drop of water

and so we burn
and get stuck
and bind ourselves
in ribbons of bad luck

closer to a core
what you're looking for
my sweet friend
is this the end

shredded to the bone
an empty shell
we build ourselves
a living hell

an imprinted thought
what I am not
maybe we just forgot
or took a wrong breath, and got caught

it is good
and strange
at the same time
to be happy
without all the medicine
to feel the joy
running through my veins
and happy thoughts
dancing in my head
instead of the drowsy numb
I induce daily
it was beautiful
to see your eyes clearly
without mine being darkened
like looking through foggy glass
I remembered today
how to breathe
and how to see
and it was strange
exciting and wondrous
all at the same time
my fingers barely brushed yours
like the strokes of a paint brush
gentle but still marking
it is harder than I thought
but in the end
much more
well deserved
my confidence is high
and my smile is genuine
so strange it feels
to let you in

I am afraid of myself

I kissed the scars on your skin
You are still beautiful
But I don't want to lose
My best friend <3

what if it stopped?

I know
You can't
Here these words right now
I wish
You could
Know my touch
It was
An off day
And I am sorry
But let's
Get back
On the right track
If you had
Someone else
I would die
On the inside
Where my heart is
Inside my ribcage
If you leave
I will do
Many
Many.
Many...
Stupid things
And that is not
A threat
It is a warning
Because I know
Myself
Better than you do
Right now
So learn me
Please.
So you can
Save me!
I hate
To put you
In this
Situation
But
I
But I
Can't
Couldn't
Handle it alone
I'm sorry
So.
Sorry.
But this is part of me
I don't like it
I would evict it
But then it would be
Homeless
And I know that feeling
All
To
Well
I wish
I had you
To myself
Not
That I can't share
But I would be better off
If I had
Your undivided
Attention
Thank you
You have the right words
And the best intentions
How much longer?
Every breath
Could be the last
That I breathe
Until I breathe
Alone
And then
As much
As I regret
To say it
Out loud
I would breathe red
And then I would stop
For a time.
My lungs would fill up
And spill over
And then the ending
Would begin
The day that I
Breathe red.

I wish it was like in the movies
One tear.
Would be all the emotion
I would ever show
Not like this
My face is a river

I painted a façade once
And I liked it so much I did it again
Every single day
Now I call it what it really is
My face

I couldn't tell you
At least not in the right words
How much I just need
You.
To sit next to me
Lean close
And just be.
There.
Reachable.

As far away as my thoughts seem
You my friend
Are an expanse across oceans
And across galaxies
Come to me?
Come to me.
Come.
To.
Me.

Because I need you
To look me in the eyes
And tell me
It is all...
going
to be
okay?

I know you are busy
You know I'm crazy
But somewhere in between
We could have something?

Something called us?
Maybe?
Maybe.
Yes?
No?
Yes.

so close together
we dance our souls out
every step
a tick in time
trying to find
a way to stay together
you are the ice
to my fire
and the fire
to your ice
complete
only against the other


gah
enough
just ehhh
please no
ugh breathing
phnwjl;askgm
back up
no stay
just
just
just
don't move
I need you
don't change this
I.
Cant.
Breathe.
It.
Hurts.
To.
Air.

We were sweet
and then you were gone
and now my lungs forget
what they were made for
now that they have
no purpose.

your so cute
I can't even take it
get over here

I stuck the little pizza place
vending machine monsters to my windows
so at least I would know
they weren't under my bed

Life is great, until I take my earbuds out

I thought that you were a great source of grief in my life
but then I discovered it is only those that come between us
between you and me my friend
that cause the pain
I miss you.
Every moment.
And many tears have fallen
From my cheeks to the floor
But they are not out of anger I hold against you
They are of glass broken
Out of lies of separation
I love you.

I begged for it
But once we were face to face
I couldn't handle it
Didn't want to realize
Give me the lies
Of the sweetest taste
Evict the truth
And fill its place
I submitted for a while
I bought it
Even like the taste
But all to soon
It was bitter
And reality was foul
Like smoke in my eyes
Left alone, in solitude
We were okay
But in a world
Filled with opposites
And attractions
You were not so appetizing
I followed you
Because you promised
To lead me home
But the place
That I was taken to
Was much to bright
For my darkened
perspective

as soon as you give up
it will be over

the truth in your words
makes me regret mine
I bite back my tongue
before it whips out
leashing me to my fate
but to late they strike
like blows already given
and so I must apologize
to ask and to beg
for you to forgive
what I cruelly bestowed
upon you ears
with my foolish follies

you
have caused
me more grief
in this one life I live
than anyone else I have
ever had the misfortune of
knowing, and having to bear seeing
I don't know why, nor do I understand
why you feel the need to take it all out on me
I am not your punching bag, or release, so please
please stop hurting this so easily broken heart
enough is enough I wont take it anymore
I would leave if I could but I cant alone
and so this horrid storm I wait out
the mixed messages confuse me
the I love you vs the I hate
tears me apart inside
and I just want an
end to all the
misery
rn.

I've written you so many
words in my mind
Some of them harsh
and some more kind

I've printed on my heart
all the things I would say
But ripped them to shreds
the very next day

It would seem I compared
all the wrong things
The contrast of sounds
the way the bird sings

I left out the best parts
and how it made me feel
Locked it all up
and made it unreal

Because emotions are void
in a world so molded
Like every sheet in the house
must be perfectly folded

But I cannot conform
and neither will my words
They open your mind
so they must be heard

They will never be loud enough
not on their own
But them I endorse
and them I condone

These actions you speak of
louder than words
Funny your steps
are never even heard

As you walk to and fro
inside of my house
Creating the chaos
like elephant and mouse

I refuse to play
these games any longer
You say I am losing
but I feel so much stronger

So letters it is.
all strung together
Let's make some words
and then make them better

Think in our minds
how to change the world
Like a flag sewn
like a flag unfurled

what will be left but memories
that, like rocks on the shore
are slowly worn to sand
crumbling into the past
laying a foundation for the future
less and less and less they become
until like ashes thrown into the ocean
they are so separated
no one has even remembered
that they were ever once, one
a core slowly eroded
a past slowly erased
an essence faded
into tomorrow
and no one remembered to forget
and they walk upon the ashes
in the sand
they will never know
and so that my friend
is how life goes

today will be the last day that I breathe
my lungs will shrivel
and I will fade
into the stars I so love

today will be the last day that I dance
my feet will snap
and I will fall
into the earth I so love

today will be the last day that I sing
my heart will break
and I will mutely cry
into the wind I so love

today will be the last day that I dream
my mind will crack
and I will slip
into the night I so love

today will be the last day that I speak
my lips will crumble
and I will drop
into the ocean I so love

today will be last day that I write
my fingers will cramp
and I will let go
into the words I so love

I wait
to be discovered
like the sun
chases the horizon


I breathe
in the morning air
and the crispness
of its kiss

I let go
of the night
and its darkness
and rise into today