There is still dirt under my nails
From digging
In damp soil
It fills in the little crevices on my palms
Small rivers between my pores

Today I feel terribly human
Is anything else so bitter sweet?
I could stare into the sun for a moment
Let his rays penetrate into my skull
Permeate my thoughts
Brighten them, enrich, soften, melt

I suppose any thought after would feel
Utterly dark
Like the soil clenched in my fist

The water was quieter than expected
     Though fast in its flowing
There is a silent beauty in death
     Not knowing where she is going
Have you swam in dark water before
     How foolish of me to ask
Holding your breath before barking dogs
     This was never meant to last
I did not expect to hear your laugh
     The sound less permeable
Than your ghosting form
     Are we already irreparable
The boat draws near
     Bone like fingers on oars
Denari clink in your shallow pockets
     Like skulls knocking on doors

I am ready

I did not know
You would haunt me still
Beyond that
I did not know
I would expect it
Eyes, always perceived to be watching
Steps, not truly fading away
We were not what God intended
Not good or righteous or pure
We were worse
Two terrible ends of a spectrum
Colliding in the off center
If I asked you
Would you leave me
You would make me beg
So I seal my sinners lips together
Dark blood dripping
Out the corners of my mouth
Silence better than rejection
Shadows better than permanence

If you cannot love me in this lifetime
I will ask you in the next
Chasing your gentle soul
Across time’s expanding galaxies
My atoms will search for you

If you cannot bear to love me then
Wait, until I am reborn
Until I am reincarnated as water
Until you drink me from the river
Through cupped hands

For 3 eternities I held my breath
Baited this moment on your lips
Waiting to be devoured
Purge yourself of me while I am pure
Let me fill you, satiate your thirst

This is not my first life
Only my first time living
Consume me, gentle spirit
I am yours
I am alive

Your name sits
In the back of my throat
Like a pill I cannot swallow
I kissed you
Like I hated the taste of my own mouth
I need you like water
Pure and flowing
I feel vulnerable
Eve in the garden
Naked and sinful
And you
Forbidden fruit
Within reach
I pluck and pluck again
But you will never satisfy
You are not here to listen
When I call on the divine
Not one for keeping promises
Not one for telling lies
Simply rotting
Bitter and sour
I cannot wash you off my tongue

We tarnish for ourselves
Whatever we think we are not worthy of
If my love is too big for you
We will cut it down to size
Take something sharp to my fraying edges
So there is no chance of making you bleed
I bared my fragile heart
Showed you unconditional love
For you to name me liar
Staying was selfish
Leaving is too
But whatever you need
Whatever is best for you

When you ask for space
Know I will stand
Arms open wide
In the gap between
Tell me of your fears
And demons
Of how the darkness crawls towards you
In broad daylight
Tell me of how you faced it
It does not matter
If you were scared or brave
You are human
Bearing the burden
The great weight presses on your chest
Its face turns to yours
Whispers in your ear
It will never be light
This is not our first avalanche
Not our first burden
For you
I would hold up the sky
For you I would press my palms
Into the clouds
Feel the rain run down my arms
Like blood
And when I look the rain is red
It is no matter