"to say I love you"



tears walk away from my heart


a new series of terror


you hold fifty one vials of my blood

loving you and waiting


something ****** the soil

the cattle continue missing organs

it's too much to drive

the pastor says he's been waiting for me

it's pretty much what you choose now

blue eyes
fruit only the river could hold

we chew onions from the Amish

one week later and I'm not strong enough

we eat

summer withdraws her claws

twelve wives and eight of them pure

it's your choice the pastor says again


that prophet speaks into my perfect ****


it's the neighbors next I'm told

and thanks for asking




-------------------------------------------

fifteen years later and there ain't a bullet which could take me down

it's two lines for every buck I don't have

there's a look now

--------------------


convinced it ain't me touching

-------------------

into the red clay

tarnished steel coos



brassy nose learning to mask a smile

it's twenty two to life he tells me

these sins you commit, it'd be worth it

try as i smile
he breaks my resolve


it's ten years ago and you ask where'd I lose that tooth


that barn all but burnt

it's four years and death threats

threats but none so close

a gift you told me

a promise comes later

after the flower for the pence

after the deathwish
it's but the only wish

I killed you a long time ago

it's just a bag of trash

inside are things unwanted


with that out of my chest

i ask replace it

with an old sweet dream

it's the wolves' fangs
a sight akin to my bladder losing itself

and it's your smile
that contains my heart

-------------------------------------------------------


­covered in a sheet of ice
thinking for so long the morgue was where i'd finish my first smoke
life burns out and death moves forward
a war is won with footsteps retreated, muddy & unaccounted for





it was my horse's tooth

'tis not that legendary silver fang

even now i taste you
weak and acrid in my happiest cups

much to remove

you

being such a series of

flashing lights

barking and hollering

defending and pleading

resurfacing and resurfacing

it's high midnight and I'm up to my old tricks again

in an hour I'll have my nose prepared
in two, I'll sweat and pray

praying the windows I opened last year give way to Carolina air

me chewing an ice cube
with you pressing my shirt

and a shiver breathes into me

it's a funeral, you tell me

in twelve hours time I ask you how I got here

another hour and it's your voice
causing me to laugh from my belly

pounding my fists into your tombstone

too angry to light my cigarette

the willow hides the moonlight
sheds no tears on this chapter

the willow hides night sky
a reflection from my dark eyes

they warble in fear

for the sound my heart is like to make

so if it'd make you stay
I wouldn't act so angry all the time

it's three years later
chewing soil from your grave


the worms but ash

my heart
a muted trumpet

pale imitation
crystalline defeat

silhouette of a cursed shade


it's five years and the marble runs smooth

it's ten years and the willow roots join mine

a legacy of agony
countless copper dishes of bitterness

thirteen years a testament of longing and needless suffering

every smile bled to death
every night a star turned inside out

it's two years ago and I hear your name

I splash my blood across my father's new *******


a woman now



his liver is thin

and his new lover


(he is whispering as he rapes me)


is an image of my brother


remove his cartridges alone and place the bullets in my heart



my mother cries

and my father mumbles to himself



i rise from the grave

remove my father's gums

i place my teeth in his mouth

and i collect sinew from my unborn brother




i order my father into the ground

i dash his newborn's face into a **** stained alley


i ask for my father's
full name, date of birth
and
his mother's most exciting fetish


with another larvae from my father's womb


another show of strength
here now i have absolute strength

..

a man came to me as a child
and that same man told me

enter me and you will love nothing but me

..

my mother and my father become a new awe.



into the soil a beautiful odor blossoms


where there was a palm of lilac,
a scene of gore.

and

where was an earful of ichor or
crested display of lilac?



my mother and i cry on her grandfather's grave


it is my first day free from prison
a great very loud exclamation


i remove what i feel to be an artery from leg


high up
above the knee
above the thigh


near my groin i bleed


and my mother does not see my pain



a
change of tone


a
change of pace



the undertaker is *****
the commitment is difficult

alas pride beckons
truth denies me



my own blood speaks and disgusts me



closing of my legs in 2029


with my father's ******* between my teeth

with my father's teeth swirling around my tongue

with my brother's cord now inside me

with my mother's tears on her grandfather's grave


with my unborn brother.


III.


with my son
with the one i love



IV.




i enjoy the moment
i do not splash my blood across my father's *******

i do not ingest my unborn brother


a
change of tone
a
change of pace



i am not released from prison.

i have not been released from prison







a second part beckons.







i continue consuming serpent's droppings.

my spider's egg-sac continues singing.


a terrible wave of violence.


my father's teeth swirl over,  altogether across my tongue.

into my pallette.

my new-york strength fighting.


a terrible wave of violence.








my father's new ******* between my teeth
and my splashes of blood on his hand-me-down mantle.

I cry

I cry without stopping





infidelity known.

she speaks.


a swarm is simply a swarm


I nod
blood spills from my ear.


a lance.

a knife to a fight.

short of a trophy
I prove myself.


star of track of field

six in the morning child

again


alas they say memories swing round


bad off

NATO orders my artillery to leave


die
(all of his connections)

die
(all of his corrections!)


its fingers
its denim

sweet sickly


the need to taint
its need to taint


of rose

of lace




and the nauseous chariot


I hear a man tell me to lower my pants


five fifty child molester





rumors of a wasp's nest.





Climb dig and burrow.

Four people become one warhead.


a family forgets it is first

a weld forgets it bonds



still a spider.

suspend my fangs



a jar



Orlando



Missouri



states away a kiss mimics a drone.


She
darker no.
now darker yes.


with shameful splashes we recover.
Gather and mourn in a corner.

a drink? a meal?

Yes, his favorite.

Her favorite.

Swallow.

First chew. Through salt and oil.
Find there the meat.


Excrement rots?
Fertilizes?


Or does it sink?



there

now our tears join.


With sodium we are one.

I'm drinking your blood
and you are doing many thing to drink mine


Chaos on this doorstep.




With you tonight.




remembering twenty five years ago


a signature is needed

a window to nail close.
a match to ignite
and a legacy to squabble over


life shines
i give birth
his mother
and i


and I'm praying he sees the same flake fall twice for the first time

and I'm praying he enjoys courdory

and I'm praying he has my mother's green eyes

and I'm praying he has my will

and I'm praying he knows my grandparents loved

and I'm praying he has my father's eye for beauty

and I'm praying he never knows where I came from

and I'm praying I haven't witnessed too many falling stars

and I'm praying I've not broken a heart


and I'm praying


i know it's wishful thinking


see thirteen species go extinct
see my mother cry
gnaw on iron bars
give more than have
gain a scar
smother an infant
bury a corpse
live their life
stroke hair


enjoy peeled grapes and tomatosoup with no vomiting


destroy a legacy


I reach into a wet trashbag
I feel hair and bone


I clean up and I grow up



myself molested
myself molded



a ******



two

three

and now it was eleven

twenty two?



then I wake up
and I forget



(hoping this would always **** me)


and I want to know why