I can’t explain it
not to anyone,
not to myself,
not even to my soul
how it aches
to survive the loss
of a love that once lived inside me.
I can’t explain this.
no one ever warned me
about a pain
that folds your body inwards,
like grief blooming beneath the skin
as if you’re bleeding
from the inside out.
and no matter how hard you try,
no matter how fierce the war inside your mind,
it’s inevitable.
it hurts in ways
no one will ever understand
because even I don’t understand it.
it’s disturbing.
the fear that it might never stop
and worse
that love might never come again.
a silent cycle,
spinning endlessly.
unfightable.
i’m trying.
i’m trying so desperately.
reality feels like a lost cause.
it clings to everything
to the air,
to the light,
to the shadows where it used to be.
no one can make it stop.
sometimes I wish
I had never met this,
because it’s tearing me apart.
and i still don’t know why.
he used to love what i wrote.
but almost all of it
was pain disguised as love
too strong,
too much,
never meant to last.
the embarrassment
I tried so hard.
and i’m so,
so sorry.
