Dear Lover,
I am holding my heart in my hand, so I have decided to show it to you. Show you every pump, line, and hole. It is dark in some places but I don't think you mind. You are a lover of phrases, and a lover of my soul. I never thought I'd feel this way. You were the exact opposite of what my heart usually throbbed for. I found my nose in a permanent scrunch, kind of like the lines between your eyebrows. Ugly, stressed strings of life that pulled your face down into a constant state of negativity. I imagined you making love to me in a submissive manner and my nose almost fell off. When you kissed me that first time, I knew that there was nothing between us because you didn't even know how to kiss. I was in a state of disappointment 99% of the time because you were the exact opposite of who I wanted. My mouth betrayed me by laughing at you the other 1% of the time.
But that 1% quietly sneaked through every beat of my heart. It wove into the blood pumping into my lungs that helped me to breathe. I realized you were funnier than you had let on. I saw that your eyes changed during the day for I had only seen you at night. They were an endless clique ocean. Sharp and frosty, giving me a chill when you smiled at me. The one percent grew, stretching across my body until I could no longer breathe when you weren't around. I imagined you loving me and I had to sit down. When you kissed me, I knew you had been lying because my heart thumped, thumped, thumped and I was in awe, glad we were tangled together because I feared I'd vanish into your lips.
It hit me as you kissed me by the orange glow of the heater. So much that I had to pull away and gasp. Because I realized that I could breathe again after pulling you into my arms. It hit me when you took one of my cigarettes and smoked it whole. It hit me when you told me my eyes were beautiful and I saw your reflection in them. It hit me as you glowed like a god and I saw what beauty was. It hit me when you held me down and touched me as if I've never been touched.
Because I hadn't been. Before you. Dearest lover, I cannot say enough words to speak for my heart. All I can say is that I am in love with you. I am in love with the smell of alcohol on your breath because I know you will want to kiss me.The only time you yearn for my soft kisses. I am in love with the way you laugh when I say something funny. When you say those three words, I feel my ****** surfacing when it's been at bay my whole life and I am in love with you. I am in love with you even though you are crazy as ****.
I want to be one of the voices you hear. I want them to tell you to love me so I won't be so insecure all the time and that you think I'm ugly. I want my voice to fill your head until I am the reason you go crazy. It's ****** up, I know. And I lied when I said that I would fall in love with you if we got married. Because I was in love with you the first time you asked. I was in love with you as I read your writing and I looked for myself in them. I knew I wouldn't be in them but I was still searching, searching, searching. Seeking myself in your beautiful words and lovely phrases.
You see the world under a colored glass mirror and I am in love with you. I am in love with every piece of fabrication that is you. It's a scary thing, how much I love you. I know you do not love me too. So I write this letter, knowing you can read it which scares me the most. Because my feelings are scary and I know you will leave like the rest of them. But I am in love with you.
So, stay in the glow of the orange light so that I may memorize this sight. When I am crying, I will be able to think back and remember the night that you were a god, and I a goddess. Back to the night when I felt beautiful.
And I am in love with you.
With facetious chagrin, Me.
Dear Me,
The magic of holding your heart in your hand has me afraid of its power. What has given you this ability? Because I want to find it, and give it a light knock on the head so it will reconsider a gift to you that would seem great, but only endanger you.
Looking around my desk where I read your letter, I see the signs of a troubled man. Could you feel my trouble when you came down to my community and saw its signs as well? By driving down, you set a record for yourself, and you set a record for me--because I am racing at breakneck speed to love you.
But I am not fast enough, nor wise enough, to love you. I can only arrange you in your communist jacket like a Christian student still life. I can only blow into your mouth and hope you feel my lungs, half-collapsed filters for cigarette smoke and vapor. I can walk beside you, but I cannot live inside because I am restless and unchoosing.
You will get me. Put your heart back inside and ******* a kiss until we untangle the world around us. Then at the center, I hope we remain, hearts thumping healthy again.
Remember, even though you let me in I still don't know your password.
Lover
