How can I make something out of nothing?

Like honestly, I was born with all I could ever ask for.

Then when I was six my dad died.

Car crash... I was in the car with him that day.

A few years later my mom died of cancer.

I held her hand as she died.

Child services tried to send me to my crazy uncle in Vermont.

I couldn't let that happen.

I ran away.

I was labled "A.W.O.L. #4."

For almost a year I survived on change I found in the streets.

I also wrote my own songs and sang thrm on the corner of a street for just dollars a day.

Until this one day...

She came to me like a dream.

I was washing my hair in a public fountain when she found me.

She was wearing white shorts and a red shirt tucked in.

Her hair was pulled back in a neat, curly ponytail.

She walked up to me and offered me her towel.

(She had just come from a day at the beach.)

I took it from her and thanked her.

She stared at me for what seemed like an hour.

I held out my hand and told her my name.

She shook it and told me hers.

She saw my tattered clothes and my ***** scars.

"Want to come over my house? I can get you some new clothes and you can stay a night if you'd like."

I couldn't decline.

I had no other better offer.

I only had 3.21$ on me and my notebook and pen.

She picked up my book and took my hand.

She took me to her house and instructed me to take a shower.

She handed me soap and a towel and shut the door on her way out.

When I got out she had layed out clothing for me and told me to meet her in the kitchen.

She cooked me an omelet with cheese and a salad on the side.

She handed me a glass of orange juice and without another word she left upstairs.

I was almost done by the time she came back down.

She had a bag in her hands.

She took out a razor and mens shaving cream.

Then she grabbed scissors and smiled at me.

She wet my hair and slicked it back.

She began to snip away at my hair.

I watched lock after lock fall down.

When she was done she dried my hair with a towel.

It was beautiful.

I thanked her.

She even shaved my face.

I felt so new and clean.

I told her I had to leave.

She asked me to stay one night because it had already began to get dark.

She took me to her room and told me to get on her bed.

I went on and she put a blanket on me.

She then layed down on the floor.

I told her to switch spots with me.

She refused so I picked her up and put her on her bed.

She told me if she had to sleep on her bed I had to sleep with her.

We woke up the next morning and her mother was standing over the bed.

It took a while for her to explain what was going on.

Her mom then called Child Protection Services and told them where I was.

A week later we went to an office that looked like it belonged in an insane asylum.

I was told to go in a waiting room.

After two hours of waiting she came back out and said, "Let's go home big brother."

She was holding yellow papers in her hand.

Adoption papers.

I had been taken in by her.

How can I thank her now?

She had saved my life.

And since then she has saved my life three other times.

I have nothing to give to her.

How can I make something out of nothing when it depends on my dear sisters' happiness?

If this emission reaches anyone acquainted, strange, or foe; this is where I currently am in the universe. This will be boring to anyone, especially strangers. Im afraid this will also be mostly depressing.
I'm tired of being ill. I know longer take or use anything to numb the pain in my legs from past worker's compensation injuries. My tibia is never not aching. The muscle in my right bicep has been stiff and rigid since my last steriod injection over a month ago.
I'm stuck at home mostly. I constantly disappoint my friends, or so it feels. It has nothing to do with them, but I have anxiety when I try to respond to pleas for visitation. Allie is the only creature I can talk to anymore. Although she is a dog, I feel, or personify, that she knows on days that I'm feeling depressed.
I still haven't been working regular jobs, I don't know if I could. I've been doing odd jobs and various things when I'm able. The vegetable garden is doing great, so far, this year. All the different plants are planted almost perfectly along what part of the lunar phase that they need. The flower garden started off well, but is going through a rough patch. One knock rose bush contracted a disease and died. About four more have been ravaged by ants, even though better food sources have been provided. Wasn't able to attract a colony of Martins again this year due to sparrows being aggressive to the scouts. Barn Swallows moved in instead.
This paragraph will just be miscallenous things. No longer do I have any social media accounts, besides this place. If anyone from Twitter still reads here, I didn't block you I just deleted my Twitter. I've started to make a habit of getting angry at myself and getting my head shaved. I'm still a vegetarian. I squee'd like a little girl when Eel Hamburger was crowned the Super King of the Spring season of  Fishcenter. It has been in the years, I think, since I have been photographed. My current avatar here is from age 19, and I'm now into my mid to late 20's. I have no romantic interest at the moment, but I don't think I have much to offer to a relationship besides vegetables, nonjudgmental attitude, and odd ramblings. I'm also not really "on the prowl" for ladies. I own a model boat now! I've also became a fan of saltybet. My anxiety for being touched hasn't gotten any better. I hate being touched or hugged by anyone, unless they ask. That is something that started and got a lot worse in the last year or so. I've been lazy about following this baseball season. Rain is something I still wish for more. My love for various beans is still growing. Eel Hamburger and Earthbound fan art are things that make me smile the hardest at the moment.
Now we get to the biggest turn off of the things I talk about. Where am I in the dream world? I'm still working on being an active dreamer. I have a few reoccurring dreams. No point in explaining those because they are uncontrollable and purely anxiety preparation dreams. There has been people that I know that are often in my dreams. One person that I always wanted to talk to in reality, but I don't force my presence of that person in my dreams. Often I try to get away from thrm to leave them in peace. Friends are often there with a few lines or in the background. The most frequent setting is the mall, which I rarely go in reality. That is also where I see that person the most, the next frequent is a field.
The most curious thing about recent dreams is the appearance of two items. One is a white fleece blanket, and the other is an eight speed mountain bike. The blanket first appeared in a dream that I felt cornered. I folded it neatly into a layered square and set it on the floor. After staring at it for a few moments, I sat down on top. I instantly knew what it could do. Without any physical effort, I began to slide across the ground at great speeds that I can control. I can't leave the setting, but I can go anywhere in the setting. This means I can think of what will be there when I arrive further in the setting. I have found this item in various places or in my hands in many recent dreams.
The second item is a little more unstable. I found the bike after grinding down an escalator on the blanket. Putting the blanket under my shirt, I got onto the bike. With this I was to pedal into the white abyss from anywhere. I could crash the dream there or channel my thoughts into making a new setting. I could then shoulder the bike on my back and ride around the new setting on my blanket. I had a dream in the mall that I was hiding from that person. I took a nap in my dream on a mall bench. I woke up and my watch said 6:04. Looked up to see two men running away with the dream bike. I have not seen it since, but I still have the blanket.
Nothing else in my life deserves any greater detail than what was given here. Sorry to the strangers that read this. Best wishes and luck to everyone out there. Remember to find joy in all the seasons. As long as it shines the moon or brings rain, there is no reason to complain.

I feel it in my bones, the oncoming storm and the incoming pain and the onslaught that will be had.

Why do I do this? Why do I lwt this happen?

I'm trying so hard to be better, to be happy, but my stumbling feet can never run from the beast lodged in my heart.

Only a few things keep me sane anymore, only those I love keep me afloat. Otherwise I would have lost it years ago. I hate admitting that. I hate admitting how breakable I am. I want to be strong, but I was born with weak genetics.

I'm broken.

Fragile goods, an imperfect present in pretty wrapping, attracting people into the mess that is me. Why do I keep on tricking people? Why do I do this?

Why am I even sad? i don't know why The tears are falling doen my face but they are.

I compared myself to broken glass a long time ago, and I feel so much like it right now. Stabbing those I care about who get too close and making thrm bleed, but they tolerate it, maybe even enjoy it in the end. Why do they do that? I'm not worth that pain. No kne is worth that pain.

I want to be better but I simply hate myself more if I crash when I want so desperately to be someone else. Should I just accept this pain, accept this madness?

I don't know anymore.

I might never know.

It is the Ides of March
The cirrostratus,cirrocumulus,and cumulonimbus stratus were
All bunched together in shades of white and gray witha touch of silver for good measure
Some were tiredi of their admirers inelicopters and airplanex
Even a duvc on tbe roof of a  tall house seemed to take notice
How they wished that humans would stop saying rain,rain go away and blane them for that and snow
Out of their control
So their friend the Sun noticed the day the clouds cried
How she wished she could dry their tears without burning thrm
C@rainbowchaser 2023