"ndhk" poems
Since the last time you touched me...
All I want is to feel your hands on my skin.
On my face and through my hair.
Feeling your body heat up against mine.
Taste barely contained anticipation on your breath.
Smell the comfort that you emanate.
Drinking the passion from your lips.
I want you...
Anchoring me down,
Vulnerability plunging into my eyes.
Stealing the air from me.
Swallowing the noises you incite.
Tangling feet and twisted fingers.
Embracing and submerging in honey junction.
Just the sound of your tenor,
Erupts a burn that speeds throughout my veins.
Heart stuttering and dizzy and trembling,
All from the presence of you.
Wanting to lose myself with you.
Forget all reason...but then what is reason?
Since the last time you touched me...
I long for the next.
© NDHK
Sep 17, 2012
Sep 17, 2012 at 3:45 AM UTC
Creating
that fallacious intimacy
wrapped
arm around arm
with a nameless
body.
It's easy to get
temporary satisfaction
from it.
Even though
you're chilled
and hollow inside.
The want
of not being lonely
can be too strong.
Keeping up
the exhausting task
of costant contact.
Never really
developing
a bond deeper
than physical sedation
can tire out.
It will ash away
as soon as you move
an inch
in that position
which is holding
unstably present.
Distance
would be the ruiner
of that
shallow fantasy.
But...
to be hundreds
of miles and moments
away from someone.
To be
alone and removed
from the one
who you have
a real, unrelenting
connection with.
To know
you are singular
in that very moment
but not unsupported.
Having them
somewhere you're not,
holding onto your
spiritual thread.
To achieve real
intimate foundation
in knowing the body
doesn't have to tie you
together.
That's an ember that,
when set to breathe,
engulfs you both.
Understanding
and feeling comfort
that when surrounded
by faces
and being unknown to them
is alright.
Since
that person
who lingers in your mind
Is a whisper
off your lips
and is there
in that place you
left them.
They've penetrated inside
that fortress of caution
and self-preservation and
they get you.
They are there,
hidden
and carried with you.
With their hands
cradling and cherishing
your heart
like the treasure
it is.
The enormous responsibility.
To be
the keeper of
warmth and familiarity
and home.
Even though
being separated
from one another
you are reminded of what
exists between you.
By
concentrating and honing
in on the weight
which lives
there.
That love
and loyalty
and equal respected commitment
to take care of what
the other is given.
The total
vulnerable
surrender of
yourself.
That is something
worth wanting.
That is something
to daydream for.
That...
is what we all
crave.
© NDHK
Oct 30, 2012
Oct 30, 2012 at 1:10 PM UTC
Mommy...
do you want to play
ponies with me?
Just for a little bit,
maybe,
or all night?
Maybe,
until I get sleepy
then rub my face?
Just until I want you
running fingers
through my hair instead?
I do like when we snuggle,
but maybe,
we can bring my ponies?
Cause they get lonely
sometimes,
like you do.
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 4:26 AM UTC
Moving again.
Packing and suffocating
just to hoard awhile.
Unleash and prop in the next chapter.
How many more times
will I have to revolve around the clock timer?
Displace my comfort.
Stir up and riffle my stability
just to watch for the final sunset.
Until the explanations to my pebble have to dust
out of my mouth again.
A gypsy life not for three.
So hard to handle for anyone but me.
Practice, practice, reset and stay.
It's a cycle I'm tired of.
Grown accustomed to delay and anxiety.
Longing for roots and more tomorrows.
Fly me away with wings of fire.
To disintegrate left behind memory
that's tying up my feet.
To ignite a blazed landing...
To grow from,
to be content on.
A place to be when my pebble wants to fly.
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 3:59 AM UTC
I want to wrap you,
tissue paper,
and throw you
in the sky.
Watch you fly
Never have I
believed
in anyone
as I believe in you.
Because you believe in me
This gypsy heart
is not
a fickle lover
of you.
So vulnerable
Be my bright sky
and
I'll be
your guiding moon.
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 4:17 AM UTC
What is happening right now...
You say I feel like native petals
of somewhere you've never been.
Soft and mysterious,
exotic and raw.
Bewitching you to absorb the aura.
My web in which you spin.
I say you feel like steel
surrounded by marsh in deep bayous.
Strong and intriguing,
arcane and fierce.
Luring me to immerse in your essence.
Your web in which I spin.
Backwards it seems we have tumbled into each other...
Bodies knowing
new flesh.
Minds welcoming
familiar allies.
Spirits embracing
old friends.
Connecting erupts
a verbal rampage.
Words spilling on top of one another.
Passing sentences half formed
back and forth.
Beginning of my thoughts
turns into ends of your understanding.
The sun hasn't risen and slept
in the time we have mesmerized each other.
But yet you say you feel like
you've known me your whole life.
Like a shadow that's been around
just never taking form...
And I can't agree more.
So I say nothing...
Just sit here and not think and adore,
your passionate voice, your shy laugh, your tempered sighs,
your fluid movement, your assailable face, your unimpeded body.
I unknowingly mimic you and you me and we dance intuitively.
Until we exhaust ourselves to sleep.
Who knows if tomorrow will bury our today...
© NDHK
Sep 18, 2012
Sep 18, 2012 at 4:54 AM UTC
The trick here is to remember
Just as wonderful things
Can turn ugly,
Great and wonderful things
Can grow from bad foundations.
There is a balance to life
It might not be in our favor
Most of the time
But remember these things
Amazing sunrises we see,
First breaths when we wake,
Delicious foods we taste,
Beautiful music we hear....
It's sad for those who don't get to have that anymore.
We look back in 2, 5, 10 years
See how far,
How much we've grown
and changed
Survived in our life...
This one chance existence
This complex and sacred state of being alive...
I don't know...
It's incredible that we'll never be who we were
5 minutes ago,
Let alone 5 yrs ago
The people we are in our present moments
Have a chance,
a future,
To change everything
With a single breath...
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 3:41 AM UTC
To be a daisy maiden
with fragile fingers in my hair,
Is not who I came to be,
though strength lived inside this vessel fair.
So burdened I was, with thoughts of
clever rapport and satire deeds.
Catching the intense beauty all around
not just looking within me.
I walked barefoot on muddy journeys,
collecting trinkets too precious and plain.
Graceless bellows of happy words shouted out
never caring for judgements name.
So when I came across a devilish looking man,
a humble heart in disguise.
I surely followed that tether
feeling my solitude world's final demise.
.
What I saw was a bit frightening, slightly...
only because of his eyes.
They were not uncommon but still unique,
something behind them I recognized.
They held secrets and wonder,
twisty worlds and something familiar.
Showed me tales and revealed quiet emotions.
I swear they were something of a mirror.
So when he disappeared from my sight
but called to me with his lingering light.
Laid out subtlety but inviting none the less.
I started after, caring not for the rips of my traveling dress.
Climbing up toward his castle of
vibrant colors and crests.
Venturing inside to find where the human delight
my sticky heart believed had come to rest.
Finding him sitting front row waiting docile in a chair,
I proceeded ahead with a confident flare.
Unbeknownst at first while focusing on the one
I was chasing.
There was an obstacle in waiting like a beast's heavy pacing.
Past lives and insecurity followed this creature about.
Like wasps hunting a victim waiting to make them shout.
A mask of confusion clouded this face simmering with doubt.
Trying to reach toward me, to let go and get out.
He said there was hope in his heart
but demons he still had to conquer.
He was so lonely and wanting to love
but feared he was too tired.
I responded that
if it's your evils that chase you
down to the pyre.
Well, I guess we are meant to be,
for I am a dragon slayer
And I too, breathe fire.
©NDHK
Jun 1, 2013
Jun 1, 2013 at 7:13 AM UTC
When there's no mode to make my way,
And I have nothing left to barter,
I push to stand and not fall,
For myself and my daughter.
Keeping the home warm and safe,
Lights and sounds while we're awake,
The smile I wear and words I speak,
Enough to get through til she's asleep.
In the cover of clouds the stars can hide
The wind flows by and the crickets tink,
That's when I think to let my wall crumble down,
To drown myself in sorrow is all I think.
Why am I doing this, why do I try
How long can it last, how much should I cry.
Over the years you figure yourself out,
You plan your days trying not to burn out.
You struggle and laugh and blink a new you,
Battling the little seeds of doubt that stew.
Of who you were, where you've been
Who you are and what might end.
It's tiring and annoying and you just want a break
But there's something that keeps you going,
Something that you can take.
It's a shot of anticipation, a tall glass of peace
A hit of a challenge and the chase of that dream.
Because when I look back and around
I don't really know why I'm here,
The reasons are complicated and the meanings not too clear.
Just hoping to be seen for the reality that it is.
That's all I can do, motion through to higher water,
Cause when the tide comes in
And I'm not drowning with my daughter,
I hope that I won't be questioned by myself
Of "why did I bother?"
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 3:42 AM UTC
I want to reveal
things about
me
and have you
seek out their
origins.
I want you
to pour over me
the pieces of you
I don't know
yet.
Maybe we need
to stop.
Stop allowing all
the doubts
and
insecurity
infused from everyone,
past...
present...
to keep our
thoughts tied.
What have we
to lose
but
time and hiding.
In my gut
I feel a weight
could be evaporated
from us.
A light
glowing dim between
could be
illuminated.
Completion and
a knowingness of
who we are already
is not a hole
either are trying
to fill.
Maybe we just want
a hand to hold
after our struggles.
A comforting embrace
to melt into
after our pain.
A heart to accept us
completely
and love again.
Maybe
we just don't want
to carry fear around
anymore.
Intimacy is something
vulnerably created
and hardly given,
I know.
Spiritual connectedness
is the highest of highs
and I think
we're both wanting
to fly.
©NDHK
Jun 6, 2013
Jun 6, 2013 at 2:43 AM UTC
You're a song in my head
I hum every night before I sleep.
I want to play you on my acoustic
But I'm missing a chord,
Or a transition.
I need to put words to you,
So I can whisper-sing the lyrics
Under my breath when I daydream.
You resonate around my cerebral walls,
Clear and deep andante when I remember being in your hands.
Sometimes barely encapsulated four-four time
When I think of us drifting around each other.
And your agape eyes are the bridge
Crescendo..
Crescendo.....
Crescendo........
© NDHK
Oct 9, 2012
Oct 9, 2012 at 5:21 AM UTC
Maybe we have been approaching LOVE backwards.
That what we want is really to be LIKED.
When I enter a relationship with someone
I still want to be able to say I like them.
Like who they are as a whole.
One year from now, ten years from now.
We lead with LOVE in everything we do in life.
It's what we already do but sometimes don't realize.
Putting yourself in someone elses shoes,
It's practicing empathy eveytime you do it.
Showing respect and acceptance for fellow humans.
We are loving beings incarnate.
Now, LIKING a person is something special.
It's a choice to be active in your own life.
Having a chance to build that trust with them.
You can LOVE someone without liking them.
Family, old friends, ex partners.
I think it's when you mix the LOVE and the LIKE,
That's worth something to hold onto.
At least that's what makes sense to me.
Projecting LOVE is effortless and selfless.
Giving it away without reciprocation.
To LIKE a person, I think that's what we're wanting.
That's where you would like something back.
To know the unique You is what's being appreciated.
That's when you require balance.
To know you're LOVED is a wonderful feeling.
At the end of the day though,
I think knowing that person just plain LIKES you...
Is pretty sweet.
©NDHK
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 1:49 AM UTC
You know,
I knew before I walked down this path...that there were risks...
The risk of being let down,
The risk of confusing myself,
The risk of giving more than I'd get back,
The risk of falling so deep and so hard for you, that I'd for sure lose a little bit of common sense...
And even though I believe that the juice could be worth the squeeze...
I understand.
I get it, where you're coming from.
How you feel you need to be true to your decisions.
I've been there.
Compassion toward that isn't something you can learn,
But I'm glad to give it.
If it means it will help you in a way.
I'll give it.
And even though it seems like a wasted effort to most...
I'll still consider the squeeze.
Because you appeared like a hidden spider web on my path,
And sometimes...unforeseen things...are meant to be.
© NDHK
Nov 12, 2012
Nov 12, 2012 at 12:12 AM UTC
I wonder,
If this is all just a waste of time or a lesson in progress.
I can't quite decide how I want to interpret this situation yet.
It seems so fragile to me.
To my heart.
No one else but to me, does it matter.
Maybe that's the thing of it...
It's not suppose to matter to anyone else.
Are we all just destined to really travel this life alone?
In a sense.
Because that just breaks me a little to think we are.
Coming from a heart guarded person.
Doubt, vulnerability,
These things scare me.
But not enough to not try, to overcome them.
Standing tall and strong on an independent pedestal is fine.
It really is.
To enjoy life solo and free is a wonderful experience.
But then sometimes...
You want to share the journey with someone.
Laugh with someone, smile with someone.
Hold someone.
It's just not something we can plan for.
We can't map out exactly when and where and who we'll be drawn toward.
We can't expect the unexpected, when we're not expecting anything to begin with.
And isn't that the thing of it.
I never expected.
Dropped into something when I wasn't looking.
Tricked myself right on through a maze of emotion.
And now the plan, the way I was contently leading on
Has been affected by the unexpected.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Or not do.
See...fragile.
The snow globe that was my life has been shaken,
And all around me falls uncertainty of the heart.
I was fine with waiting until it happened naturally.
Not being alone anymore.
Finding someone who just...
Fits.
But I guess what I had been doing was expecting.
Expecting to not expect anything.
And now there's this place.
This situation that I can't really determine.
If it's a waste of time,
Or a blessing in progress.
© NDHK
Dec 12, 2012
Dec 12, 2012 at 5:07 AM UTC
I can't let myself keep awake about you.
You have absolutely no idea.
None at all, how I lie here and just
Think
And think.
Remembering you and me in darkness,
Music all around us.
Sometimes flashes of this.
Sometimes long detailed thoughts.
Trying to remember every action,
Every word said.
It all gets twisted around.
Distorted the more my mind pushes for a visceral connection to hold onto.
To relive again those moments between you and I.
I feel vulnerable in my thoughts.
I had a notion that I kept my emotions closed up tight.
No one could decipher my state of mind.
But as I always do,
I feel transparent around you.
And it frustrates me to no end.
Seeing signs, unwillingly, in everyday things.
Reminders of you in some little way.
Unconscious happenings, until the third time's a charm and I take notice.
Is some higher power trying to tell me something or what?
Is it useless to believe divine intervention could have a hand in my life?
Can't I think God is involved in my insignificant place in the world?
How can happenstance be blamed?
It's seems to me that I know you,
Or what I want to assume you are, given the chance to get that close.
And I can't be your distraction.
The phase that occurred between the running away and the falling back to.
I refuse to accept that role.
To be so rootless to your life.
That's not fair to me.
Not at all.
Especially when I have no idea how I came to be here.
In this complex emotional pond.
I just woke up one day and it was.
And I didn't get to prepare.
And it's not fair.
Let me have my walls back because now I am stuck.
Thanks to you, I'm stuck somewhere across from a breakdown and beside staircase.
Maybe you're a twin mirror of me though.
You might have just been paying more attention to the details.
Been more effected than I was, faster than I realized perhaps?
Whatever the case is, it's thrown me.
And I lay here every night think, thinking.
Somehow paranoid you can feel me conjuring memories of us.
Maybe wishing you could feel it every time you come into my head.
Like a ringing in your ears.
So then I wouldn't have to be alone in all this turmoil.
Not tragic just inconvenient.
It's as if I have a fantastic vision for a painting but no brushes to stoke with.
I'm baffled.
And I don't know where to go from here.
This limbo, half self imposed.
The saddest thing though,
Is that I kind of relish those thoughts.
Because for now they make me feel not so alone.
© NDHK
Jan 5, 2013
Jan 5, 2013 at 6:44 AM UTC
Lets
lay it all out here
shall we?
Because
I just have this
inexplicable urge
to unfold myself
for you.
I want to
ask you all kinds of
odd and intrusive
questions.
I want to
climb inside and
pick apart
everything
that makes you tick.
But,
at the same time
I anticipate
being surprised
by the things
I couldn't know
about you
yet.
I want to wind up
this thread
between us
and see why it's there
and how I can
keep it.
You make my
mind whirl
and my heart beat
so slowly,
Like it's waiting for you
to catch up.
Does this sound insane to you?
Because
I'm the one thinking
these things
and feeling...
Always feeling
when you are
around me.
I see you
guarded
and maybe yearning?
If I had
a white flag
to wave for you
I would.
Though
my insecurity of
being overwhelming and
intense,
keeps us both from
taking those
first steps
toward each other.
© NDHK
Apr 5, 2013
Apr 5, 2013 at 7:15 AM UTC
One day you'll realize...
I don't have an answer for everything,
Don't make the sun rise and the stars shine,
Can't always protect you from monsters,
Or make it better with a hug when you cry...
I'm not as brave as I seemed
Or as wise as you thought
Not as strong as you believed
Because I've gotten lost a lot...
We might argue and disagree,
I'll watch you laugh and grow,
It will be bittersweet for me ,
One day you'll change and be on your own...
So I make memories in my days with you,
From your beginning, to my end,
And hope one day when you're older
You'll be able to remember them...
For if a mother is god in the eyes of a child
Then you were my angel from the start,
Your tears and laughter and all that comes after
Is what keeps me going sweeheart...
I'll never stop caring and teaching and leading
Because I found an unconditional love in you,
And if you learn only one thing from me
This one undeniable, ultimate truth...
We're apart of each other
Me and you
So I'll only live with half my heart
Because the other half is you...
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 3:37 AM UTC
Don't want to go out to dance.
I want to hear a band
A good band,
A live band.
Music that has a soul.
Rhythm you can feel.
Like thunder in your bones.
Swaying on your feet to a foreign flaming beat.
Get lost on the sound of beauty.
Raw
That carries through your blood.
Into your mind.
Encompassing
It lights your fire inside.
I don't want to think,
I just want to melt.
Breathe it in...
Taste it...
Feel it swell.
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 3:36 AM UTC
Sweet baby girl
With ocean eyes,
Go ahead and
Keep on crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness won't
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.
Soft little girl
With ocean eyes,
It's okay to
Keep on crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness won't
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.
Hopeful young girl
With ocean eyes,
I know it's hard
To still be crying.
Let the tears go
Until they're drying.
Your sadness wont
Want to stay.
You'll forget it all
In yesterday.
Strong woman
With ocean eyes,
I know you're tired
Of all this crying.
Let the tears go
They're almost drying.
Your sadness seems to
Want to stay.
But at least it lives
In yesterday.
©NDHK
Apr 29, 2013
Apr 29, 2013 at 3:50 AM UTC
I wonder if people
Realize
how telling me I'm
Strange
is less of an
Insult
and more of a
Compliment
to my odd little
Heart.
©NDHK
May 11, 2013
May 11, 2013 at 3:22 AM UTC
Faith o faith...
I'd like to think,
That all the bricks
Of disappointment
And tragic inevitability
Are giving me
The heavy strength
In which
I'm going to build the foundation
I will rise from.
The confused spaces
And doubtful understandings
Will turn into stairs.
Leading me up to the potential
Of pure grace
In this life that I'm living.
I pray the welcoming door
To the house of me,
Stays as compassionate and open armed,
As my spirit feels
In this moment.
© NDHK
Jan 10, 2013
Jan 10, 2013 at 8:46 PM UTC
These are the moments
in the still night
I dread.
The overwhelming ones
where you have nothing
better to do than
think.
To remember over and over.
Dig into things you've seen.
Things you've heard.
To helplessly wonder and hope.
Try to lead yourself away from
disappointment.
You run scenarios through
your head.
Imagine conversations that will
never happen.
It leaves you feeling silly.
Knowing you're immersed in
a fantasy.
Even if it annoys you,
that you're lonely enough,
To indulge in these
wandering visions.
It gives a temporary idea.
Of what it would
be like.
If the one you want could be
with you.
© NDHK
Jan 20, 2013
Jan 20, 2013 at 4:46 AM UTC
A step
Is missing
In your staircase.
Now
You can't
Climb up
To look down
On me
© NDHK
Apr 18, 2013
Apr 18, 2013 at 1:17 AM UTC
You say my eyes are the prettiest
that you've seen in a while.
They guide you out of the hole
that you've found yourself fallen into.
I hope you might drown in them
for a little while.
You say they fill you with hope
and something wild.
So take them as invitation to my life.
When I smile and your eyes light up
it gets to me like nothing else has before.
The day we met the rain was falling down
not making sense.
You saw something inside me that was hidden.
It came out and blazed into your arms
safe and warm.
You told me of your dreams.
Said your fingers were nimble enough to catch them
but...
not sure your heart was strong enough to keep them.
Just touching you blinds me
with desire for you wholly.
You light up a spark
I thought died out ages ago.
Yeah, you slow me down with your sweet,
sweet smile.
I don't know now what to think,
I don't know what I'm doing
with you in my arms.
But it feels like a home
I've forgotten to return to.
© NDHK
Sep 15, 2012
Sep 15, 2012 at 4:11 AM UTC
I get these
Cravings
They're like save me
Daily
I'm sinking
Inside of my own mind
It's winding
Drowning
Like a tadpole in a sink hole
Discoveries
Blinded by need
I feed
Off the land of my past
Wasting it
With churning thoughts
Of what could of been
Should of been
Amazing
My life
With a plan that's
Only seen the skylight
Not the soil
It grew from.
© NDHK
Apr 18, 2013
Apr 18, 2013 at 1:15 AM UTC