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Sep 2012
When there's no mode to make my way,

And I have nothing left to barter,

I push to stand and not fall,

For myself and my daughter.

Keeping the home warm and safe,

Lights and sounds while we're awake,

The smile I wear and words I speak,

Enough to get through til she's asleep.

In the cover of clouds the stars can hide

The wind flows by and the crickets tink,

That's when I think to let my wall crumble down,

To drown myself in sorrow is all I think.

Why am I doing this, why do I try

How long can it last, how much should I cry.

Over the years you figure yourself out,

You plan your days trying not to burn out.

You struggle and laugh and blink a new you,

Battling the little seeds of doubt that stew.

Of who you were, where you've been

Who you are and what might end.

It's tiring and annoying and you just want a break

But there's something that keeps you going,

Something that you can take.

It's a shot of anticipation, a tall glass of peace

A hit of a challenge and the chase of that dream.

Because when I look back and around

I don't really know why I'm here,

The reasons are complicated and the meanings not too clear.

Just hoping to be seen for the reality that it is.

That's all I can do, motion through to higher water,

Cause when the tide comes in

And I'm not drowning with my daughter,

I hope that I won't be questioned by myself

Of "why did I bother?"

Nik Krutilla
Written by
Nik Krutilla
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