Have you ever had a dream, that when you woke up you were full of emotions. Where you woke up and it made you feel that it was real? Where even though you know it didn't really happen it still makes your emotions go wild? Well that does not happen to me.
Now could you imagine being a small boat in the middle of the ocean, so alone with nothing or no one around you? You and the ocean, everything else just emptiness? You could scream but no one would hear.
Or do you remember when you was a child at the beach, you used to pick up a shell, put it against your ear and listen to the waves? When you knew that there wasn't actually anything inside, it was just an empty shell.
I have a body but inside I am empty, no emotions. I am not happy nor sad, I am nothing.
My heart beats, my veins pulse, my organs work but it is not me. I do not know who I am, lost in a world where no one understands and there's no one to talk to. My brain is that small boat in the ocean and my body is the shell.
I try to feel something but there is nothing there to feel. All these thoughts in my head but no emotions to match. I feel like a robot. I have a body, an outside, and all of these thoughts programmed into my head, like this body has been designed for me but someone has forgotten to put emotions where they are meant to be.
If I did speak out loud what would they think or say? Would any even hear me or listen? Well unfortunately for me I couldn't care less, I do not care what they think about me. In fact I don't care about anything, nothing at all. I am not arrogant nor ignorant, I try to care but things do not phase me.
I try to be there for people but I can not feel their pain. I know there are serious problems in the world, terrible things happpen. I do not try to deny them nor ignore them, but when I hear and see things I do not react, I do not feel, I do not speak for when I do my lips move but I can't hear what I am saying.
I am lost. I am in a jungle, pushing through the tall trees. I keep searching but there is no way out, running for days but I am getting no where, still in the same place I started to begin with. Should I stop searching? Will I ever be found?
My body is numb but so is my pain. What I used to feel is not to blame, passion, hurt, pleasure and love I've lost. Now I realise that was me. I do not know who I've become. The tears I have are silent you see, they are inside of me, the tears won't come out of my eyes.
My mind is an anchor but my thoughts are a kite, I want to be free, is it better to die? Some please tell me am I even alive?
