This time I'm not so manic
now its been a year since
we
talked

Its not like thats a bad thing
were both still alive
its not a good thing that
I keep track of days
by the divider for medication

It feels like no time at all
just blackout and wonder
what happened all those times
you scared me, so much
I couldn't hurt you like you wanted.

I remember vividly
when you were riding me
and asking what we could do
I said I could love you
and that wasn't enough

What more do you want from me?
Its yours.
I just need this settled- am I yours?
I know you are mine.
I put a spell on you before

We broke up in email

I regretted it instantly
I curse the modern hand of man
just for the separation I felt
from you , the moment we first talked

Down the hall
through text

I remember the first time your beauty
ever rendered me speechless
and the years that my broken heart
convinced my head to be alright.

Well I'm not. and
I dont know if you are alright

I just know what I want to know.
I want to know why,
failure to let go of what I know
I want to see again and again.
Maybe its all in how you disappear

But Ghostie  - Here it is again
your beauty rendering me speechless
all in one picture that I thought
would be worth a million words.  

Well it is, but us remains impossible.

I stared into space,
Pain in my 'heart'
We were twelve of us,
In Jupiter.
And only I felt the pain.
Painful pain.
And when ghostie looked closely,
He said something was growing on me-
Like a wild flower.
And I could feel it in my deepest insides,
But I couldn't let it
because,
that is simply impossible.
Nothing should grow,
in my heart.

Near Halloween
He turned thirteen

Buddy boy born,
It’s a good boy yarn:

Came to us as an adolescent
Eager, fun, ever present

Present for the scent
Of every teaching treat

Sit, stay, come, heel…
(The last one meant walk, walk WALK!

Down to the park!
Smelling all my neighbors!)

But Halloween was hard
Doorbells, voices, lights,

Mobs of noisy people
Invading his protected spaces

Lunging! Barking!
Instinct loosed!

He learned, through the kids,
The “trick or treat”

Then he learned to love it all!
Licking costumed faces

Sniffing ***** bags
For obedience treats

It used to be hard with every doorbell dash
To control big golden yellow buddy boy

As we, and he, got older
(he quicker, the 7 to 1 brief flicker)

We relaxed our grip on him
As he mingled with wizards and goblins

When the next mob of kids arrive
Your SpongeBobs, your Vader’s, your Ghostie-ghouly space invaders

No tricks, a real treat: a new generation meets
Mellow yellow buddy boy saying, “Hi"

Your voice whispers in my ear
The memories we made fill my mind
The promises we made make me smile

But I stand alone
My heart was both soaring and breaking
A life that will never be

A promise to be different
A feeling I didn't know I missed
A life that I dream of

Tears shed for a name.
A voice
A person

I miss you more than ever.
And even though you'll never read this
I still love you...

Though my heart wants to scream a thousand words
My body wants to run from the thought of you
I still love you, Ghostie