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I am empty
The gut-wrenching feeling I have had
these past few days
as made it hard to breath

The endless self-doubt
a constant reminder that I am not worthy of anything
constant pain of walking on eggshells
a constant hole in the heart
from being bitten when trying to feed

I feel numb
numb to emotion
numb to pain
numb to love

The pain is still raw
the idea your actually gone
still hurts
even if I know it was the right choice

Maybe one day I will do the barn and coop
maybe one day I won't feel pain when someone says your name
maybe one day I'll remind myself what it is to be happy
without putting on a fake smile
maybe one day

one day you will become a memory
but someone I will never forget
one I am glad to have known
despite the constant fights

it was always nice to have a friend
when you needed it
One lives on a phone
One lives a thousand miles away
One forgot I exist
One refuses to answer
One stopped reaching out
One left me when I needed someone
and one didn't want to understand

so many people
so many people I called "friend"
if only
just maybe
I could give that title to one

and they hold it close
like me
I shouldn't jump at atouch
I shouldn't fear love
But I do
And it's too no one
But myself
I miss them
Souls I never met in this lifetime
Though I see parts in others
Oh how I miss them
how I miss him
The one I gave not my life
but my soul to
to  meet him again
would be a miracle
but all I can hope
is to find one of my kind
once more
in this crazy lifetime
That night
My mind reminds me when I'm alone
Causing the mind to run to what if's

What if it could happen again?

My body craters your touch
You firm kisses
Your caressing hands
The soft growls you made

My nerves turn to fire
And I want to run to you
Run and not regret what happens

But in reality
Though I will never tell you
I just torture myself
For something I know
Will never happen

Even if I wish my little devil
To the memory I never forget
Don't give me coins or bills
Don't try to pay for my skills
Don't tip my kindness
please whatever you do

Don't waste your money on me
I thought it was simple
I thought it was just missing someone
A connection that no longer exists
I thought I had grown use to it
I thought.....

But it's a new feeling
A new pain
A new gut stabbing twisting of the knife heartache
To feel utterly and completely alone
When next to someone
Who calls you a friend......
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