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Oh,
The places I have gone,
Into the gutter onto the street,
Regurgitated,
Every fiber,
Of my uneven being,
A little yin,
A lot of yang,
And the realization,
Of the cost of "freedom",
Is security,
And the lies swept under the rug,
Therein.

Where do I go?
In this world I do not fit within,
It suits me not,
Too corporeal, too moralistic,
Too judging, and a little bit too thin.

Always finding reasons,
To opress other human beings,
Even in democracy,
The masses lurk,
Judging, what is good men.
The young are chained,
Binded by systems and laws,
Signed to social contracts,
They didnt ask for,
and most will never understand.

All in the great,
revolutionary idea!
Oh, yes, as they will tell you with a smile,
You can be anything you want to be!
(If you get a 4.0)
You can love freely!
(Except gays and underaged)
And women let me tell you,
Yes how to get an abortion,
And when!

Always distinguishing,
Classifying people,
Alpha and beta,
And whatever else in bygone alphabets,
We are social animals,
Civilized only in lies.
And all men are not created equal!
Some are born to die.
We laugh in the face of this evil,
Because we cannot control our own existence,
And the only other option is to cry,
And self annihilate.
Of course, to the world,
This is so very wrong.
Such a crazy guy.

There is no freedom I say.
Only the mirror image,
The perception of such,
We make our own choices,
Sure,
Pre ordained by our genetics,
Our expereinces, our cultures,
The boxes of our very thoughts,
Ergo the very essence of who we are,
For if we were different,
We would go left,
And not right,
into the very clutches of Satan,
The demons men swear by.

I've got nothing nice to say,
Or contribute to society,
So I oft think,
I'd best stay silent,
And censure myself away,
I hurt my friends,
My family my loved ones,
And add onto the suffering list,
Still knowing the worst I got,
is better than a lot of men.

So, alas,
Mi amore,
I have a lie to say,
If you but love me,
Oh just one night,
I will love you,
Forevermore.
To think of death
Whether of a paradise
Or of a hellscape
Or of  bleak nothing
Is to have a mere elementary debate with oneself

To experience death
Is a multitude of expereinces
Once, we will experience our own
Many times we will expereince
The deaths of others
Of those we love
Of those we hate
Of those we barely know
And face our own mortality

To watch death
Is to watch as a body
Withers
Shrinks
Sickens
And to know that ultimately
There is no stopping it

To welcome death
Is not to give up
But is to have the maturity to know
That eventually we all must face it
And to make peace
With our limitedness
And to continue

To know death
Is to know life
Is to know sorrow
And suffering
And joy
And jubilation
It is to know our greatest openent
And our most beloved friend
It is to know fear
And confidence
And doubt
It is to look upon life and know it will end
And be okay
Dylan Mcconnell Mar 2020
really understand
-
what my brain is feeling
or thinking
even emitting
-
i can't really accept
what is actually happening
-
it's like i watch myself have
the consequences
but
i never actually can 'feel' them
-
drugs can **** up a lot
in a short amount of time
and that **** ain't cool
it's a fine and narrow line
-
one moment
you have control on everything
and the next
you get that one hit
or the higher quality
or even your grandma sends some cash
and you get more than you've ever had
and
nothing is ever the same
-
no more thinking
no more feeling
no more theories
no more genuineness
no more identity
-
more dissociation
more depression
more starving
more deadly activities
more ******* around
-
if i became homeless
i'd end up saying bet
if someone shot me tomorrow
i'd die somewhat happy
but nowhere near content
if i lost my mom tomorrow
i'd smoke 4 blunts
and if i killed myself tonight
i'd die proud
-
somehow my life went from
****** grades
trauma and abuse
with a side of physical aggression
and suicide attempt after suicide attempt

to

near death expereinces
fentanyl spiked drugs
coming to appointments high
but don't forget the time i ****** someone to get high
and lastly, trying to die because i cannot find the
means to forget about
all the unimaginable and traumatic
decisions and moments
i've ever wanted to forget
-
please don't let me leave this alive?
drugs **** kiddos

— The End —