My pieces have long been shattered, scattered
They still litter the halls of my mind
The ones I refuse to walk down for fear of cutting myself and watching you bleed out of my eyes.
There's something to be said for that one stray hair that grows on your shoulder and that one dimple and that twinkle when you're particularly proud of me.
It's worth missing...
The way you expected more of me.
The way you asked more of me.
Those times we lay side by side allowing our imaginations take turns painting those four walls the color of an island with a mansion built to spell my name
Or you in a football uniform on any field USA signing your advance over to your mom.
I spend more time in those memories than I do in reality.
If I, am the reason it's cold in November, it's only because I lost you in the summer but I miss you most acutely when I celebrate me without you.
In these nearly 10 years I still haven't grown accustomed to your absence.
In darkness, I still reach for you -
Wake up with a heart full of disappointment every time I see the pillow next to mine undisturbed.
And I've tried so very hard to run from you,
My legs are nearly numb from the effort of it,
but so many of the things I love are so inextricably tied to you that I cannot love anything without also loving you.
You exist in the bottle of LoveSpell I can only wear when I can bare to be so near to you.
You swim in the bottles of Jose Cuevo I tried to drown myself in.
You whisper the softest words to me when i can't figure out how to get out of bed -
and yesterday in the gym, I saw you on the treadmill next to mine.
I swear I heard you ask me how bad I want to live.

*I'm not tryna pressure you, just can't stop thinking bout you/ you ain't even really got to be my boyfriend/I just want to know your near and maybe sometime/ we can hook up/ we can hang out/ we can still be.....