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       rpyrifos gly       phosate chlo
     rpyrifos glyph   osate chlorpyrif
       fos chlorpyri      fos glyphosat
          e chlorpy            rifos gly

Smoking American Spirits
Like that name is not sickly ironic
As I watch the moon
And blow your name
Out through my teeth.

After all of it
I still can’t decide
If I’m happy that you’re happy
Or hate you for leaving me
In the cold to gape
At a barren rock.

The moon is a visceral spirit,
Pundit of creation myths,
Vaudevillian purveyor
Of heavy handed profundity,
Reflects the sun
When nothing else can,
Means so much to so many;

The moon is an entropic
Collusion of earth-chunk
That happens to orbit us,
Objectively meaningless,

Communicating with the ocean
As ants ***** chemicals
Into each others mouths to converse.  

Staring together up into
The gaping gnash of space,
Humans give the moon its meaning
Just as two people falling in love
Forever inhabit midsummer nights
'Till one leaves in a haze
Of evaporating brain chemistry.

I really am happy you’re happy,
Because I really do love you
Even after everything,
And I really do hate you
Because it hurts so much
And you were so selfish,
Go **** yourself,
Why can't I feel both?

Just this silly girl,
Just two broken people,
Look at what we made Chlo,
It's hanging in the sky
Strung up with used filaments.

I love you and hate you still
Because knowing the moon
Is a barren rock
Makes what it has become
Incandescently, infinitely beautiful.

Your eyes shine brightly,
Even in the dark..
Glistening with muted colours,
Like light shards in the tidemark.

I beg for metaphorical moons,
To bring forth again your oceans..
To bathe in your most majestic parts,
And go swimming in your darkest emotions.

Already your touch is like a salty sea breeze,
Sending ripples across my surface..
An amalgamation of fire, ice and tidal waves,
(I wonder if you do it on purpose..?)

You are rushing through my senses..
You are crumbling my defences.

And I am loving every moment of it.

June 22 2014

I couldn't seem to see your face last night
in my dream.
Only the right side.
And when I tried searching for it
all I could find was
the reflection of my mothers smile.
The one she gives to all of her party guests.

I knew
you were gone.
But for a second there, I
didn't believe God
had taken you.

Now that I'm awake
all I want to do is cry.
I know I'm supposed to be strong but
I miss you,
all the time.

Your face keeps emerging
on strangers bodies.
I
wish you would stop playing tricks
on my mind
because the reminder
hurts.

It hurts not only me
but the people I love.
I can't seem to control
what comes out of my mouth when
you're near.

I wish
I could run
to the safety of your home
and
tell you all about how horrible being nineteen
really is.
I wish you would
wake chlo and I up
in the early morning to see if
we would join you on a run,
only to be let down
by the groans of
the language of sleep.
I wish I told you that
you mean the world to me,
and
you were more of a mother
than my own will ever be.

I'm scared that I'm forgetting.
I know it's not healthy to
live in the past
but I can't help
having the urge  
to make you proud
of the person I'm becoming.

The one who leaves flowers
by the accident, and
who can't seem to
forgive that man for
swerving off the road
when,
I know I should.

There are things in this world
We simply can’t have.
The times we thought were forever,
Normally do not last.
Friendships become broken and sealed,
Close your eyes and pretend,
“It’s not real”.
The anxious, lonely feeling made
Bearable by barely toxic liquids,
Controls the body and mind.  
Wishing you didn’t have to say goodbye
And it could be like old times.
Thinking about it wants to make me cry,
But my tears will soon dry,
Because our friendship was so different long ago,
And I never expected this, Chlo.
But I won’t judge or tell you to say no,
Because we’ve in a sense gone our separate ways.
And it hurts me to know that what I say,
Won’t mean much anyway.
But you’ll always be my Mia buddy,
And partner in crime of New Orleans.
I’ll always remember the boys, the drugs, and the ***,
The sad phone calls about death,
My mother’s violent threats,
It’s all stuck in my head.
When I see you as the girl I used to know,
I close my eyes tightly,
Shake my head no,
Shove the past memories far away in the back of my head,
And pretend,
I’m communicating with the dead.
You and I shared times,
I’ll always love and cherish.
And I know you’re trying to bring her back.
I see it when you talk sometimes.
We’re very different,
You and I.
But in a sense, so alike.
We fight off demons,
In different ways.
You with your white powder of dreams,
Me with empty canteens.
You are and always will be my childhood best friend.
And I left because looking at it happening,
WAS UNBEARABLE.
Much worse than that anxious, lonely feeling.
It’s okay though,
I’ll love you forever,
All I have to do is,
Close my eyes and pretend,
“It’s not real”.

Badi koshish kiti ke kuj na likha
Par kithe tuk hunda
Kite na kite jake
Tut hi janda banda

Me nai chanda ki kuj likha tere bare
Koi jikar bi kara tera
Par sala kuj na kuj ** hi janda he

Har pase tenu labda ha
Gharwali naal bi compare karda tenu
Ki
Kaash tu hundi ta e hunda o hunda
Par chlo eh gallan hi ne

Teri kimaat aj pata lag rahi he
Maadi ta gharwali bi nai
Bada pyar krdi he oh
Tere naalo bi jyada pyar krdi he
Par ah dil
Man ni reha haje

Rab sukh baskhe tenu dear

Te jiwe tu bhul *** he
Uwe hi rab menu bhulan di shakti dawe