I know my promises mean absolutely nothing now.. After what I did. And I know you still hurt from it, it might not seem like it, but I do too. One of our biggest promises.. Don't let someone ever come between us, no matter what.. And I let him. And I know you think that it was my words too, saying that I never wanted to talk to you again, that you were a bad friend, I never said or wanted that, I was just so worn thin of him constantly yelling at me for it.. And looking back, I don't see why I ever EVER let myself be that controlled by someone else. Can I be honest though? It was out of fear. I thought, if he left me.. I'd be alone forever because you'd never take me after that. But now I'm seeing, even if I die unmarried, I'd rather die unmarried with you as my best friend, than marry him and live without you. I think it speaks volumes that after 7-8 months of dating, I broke up with him less than a month after you and I stopped talking. I couldn't handle it. I became very angry and bitter towards him because of that, and then the little things that sorta bugged me but I didn't really notice, got worse. A lot worse. The biggest difference I see between you two, besides maturity, he made me feel trapped, forced, caged and like I had absolutely no freedom that he didn't approve of.(I'm not over exaggerating. He wanted me to ask him before I did anything LITERALLY ANYTHING and when I didn't he got really mad at me and it was borderline emotional abuse. Maybe that's why I stuck around, women in those relationships feel like they can never have anything better than this life that they've chosen..I'm sorry that I let him change me..) But you. You make me feel free, and light, and like I can still be an individual but not be alone. You let me be who I want to be without judgment and mockery. You don't criticize me and try to shape me into being something that I'm not. I admire you. Who you are, your life, and I'm fascinated by the way you grew up and I love learning things from you. I know we used to joke about not being sure if we're twins or supposed to get married, and I loved that so much.. You know, I've found that my fear and rash decisions of jumping into a relationship with Nic, while wanting to be with you, was out of fear and lack of trust in God. I want so badly to be married young and I wasn't trusting God to give that to me and I, for some majorly ****** up reason, wasn't seeing how beautifully you loved me. You were there.. Through everything.. And I feel really stupid that I didn't see it sooner. Maybe that's why I've been so clingy and spazzy lately. There's so much I want to say to you and I could keep writing things forever in this little note but that might get awfully boring to read. It'll all come out eventually.. Mostly in my poems though. I don't know if we'll ever be together, you know that I hope so, but even if we don't I am so glad that you're my best friend, and that you've stuck around through my bitchyness, annoyingness, clingyness, and all the uncool things about me. That's pretty groovy of you. I love you, an incredibly huge amount. You are by far in my top 3 favorite humans list. I hope you stay a while longer.
p.s. I just realized how awfully terrible it was of me to say that stupid "it's tough being in love with someone who isn't in love with you" thing. Like that was such ******* I was to go back it time and smack myself for it. I'm really really sorry. You're incredible.
