"askeland" poems
You are my Thanatophobia.
I fear to lose you.
My love.
Best friend.
The one who fills that empty void in my soul.
The one who fixed my heart.
You are my Thanatophobia.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:50 AM UTC
Life is like a guitar.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't be happy when you're broken.
You have to fix it before you're able to play.
-Gillian Askeland
Oct 5, 2017
Oct 5, 2017 at 3:53 PM UTC
As she lies on the bathroom floor with a pill bottle in her hand. She doesn’t realize so many people adore her, love her, and look up to her.
She felt so alone and so unwanted. She was fighting this battle no one knew about.
She never understood why it happened to her out of all people.
She was tired, so she took her mothers pills and locked herself in the bathroom. She ran a hot bath and washed her face and hair. When she got out she decided to do her makeup and put on her mother’s favorite dress. She made sure she unlocked the door for when her parents came home. She took a piece of paper and a pen,
“Dear momma and poppa,
I love you both so very much. But this world is just not my place. My wings are already here waiting to come out. I’m sorry I hurt you oh so very much. But I’ll be looking down on you. I’ll always be here. Just hug your pillow tighter and you’ll make it through the night. Watch for a white dove. Because every time you see a white dove that’ll be me checking up on you. This was not your fault. I love you oh so very much.
Sincerely,
Your beloved child.”
Little did her parents know that their only child was gone. She was gone… She took the pain away.
“Jocelyn, honey where are you?”
“Jocelyn”
“911, whats your emergency?”
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 12:27 PM UTC
You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to be at my graduation and my dance recitals.
I was supposed to tell you everything!
You would have been my Maid of Honor.
Helping me get ready on my wedding day or graduation day.
But none of that will happen because you told me.
"Were too different to be friends"
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:34 AM UTC
I put on my makeup and I’ll put on my clothes.
I’ll paint on my smile and dress to expose.
I’ll laugh to keep the tears down and drown in my own soul.
I’ll twirl my hair and act like my life is amazing.
I’ll be extra nice to those who need it.
I’ll get called names but I’ll push them aside.
I’ll go home and wipe off my smile and cry in the shower.
I’ll take the razor to my thigh and watch the blood mix into the water.
I’ll finally be me and not the girl everyone sees.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 16, 2017
Nov 16, 2017 at 10:53 AM UTC
I wish you knew
I wish you’d realize I’d never hurt you…
Hurt me because your gonna go off to college soon and you were scared I’d hurt you when your gone…
I wouldn’t hurt you.. you mean so ******* much to me.
You were the light at the end of the tunnel.
But now that light is gone.
I’m trying so hard to get over what we had.
I told you things I’ve never told anyone before.
You knew I was suicidal and hated myself.
I’d never hurt you. I won’t try to **** myself anymore because I can’t hurt you.
I wish you knew your the only one I’ve ever wanted.
-Gillian Askeland
Oct 5, 2017
Oct 5, 2017 at 3:46 PM UTC
The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all. Because sometimes we don’t control ourselves. Our voices and demons do. And we have no way to be in control.
It truly is the scariest thing
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 12:30 PM UTC
I was heartbroken once. It wasn’t by a boy as you would imagine. It was by my so-called best friend. She woke up one day and told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I wanted to take the pain out on myself. I wanted to cut, not eat, and sleep forever. But I did all these things besides cut because I couldn’t go back into my home habits so I scratched myself. So bad I’d bleed. But little did I know I was heartbroken.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:25 AM UTC
It’s my funeral today. I’m scared to go.
After a couple hours, I’ll be on the ground with dirt on top of me. People will walk over me again.
I’m scared to go to the afterlife. I’m showing up today and I want to give everyone hugs and tell them I’m still here! But I can’t.
I’m gone. I’m pale with my makeup done and in my mother’s favorite dress that I owned. (I didn’t really like that dress) but that’s the dress I died in.
I overdosed in that dress. I wanted my mom to see me one more time while I was still able to be held in her warm loving arms.
I feel bad for passing the pain onto my parents.
But they are strong. Whenever they see a white dove they will know it’s me.
Time to go and see all the crying faces that made me do it.
There are so many people. Even the mean girls are crying. The jocks who used me and called me a **** is crying.
I miss them actually. I want to give everyone in the room a hug and tell them I’m still here!
But I can’t because it’s too late.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 12:29 PM UTC
Dance Takes The Pain Away
She dances to take the pain away.
She leaps across the floor; kicks her leg high up in the air.
after warm-ups, she laces her pointe shoes.
On full pointe; chaînés the floor. Spotting every step of the way.
Warmth in her heart, happiness across her face.
The pain is gone.
By Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:27 AM UTC
These voices and thoughts just won’t go away.
Am I really what you say?
Just tell me its okay.
Tell me they don’t want to play
“They just want to see you grey,
and decay”
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 10:28 PM UTC
White walls, white gowns, white everything.
Cries of ****** ******
The voices and pain.
The nurses trying to calm down those who are yelling cause the voices won’t stop.
The new girl crying in her room while reading a book.
The girl sitting in the corner rocking back and forth, counting the days.
The boy playing chess with his imaginary friend.
The mom crying because they took her child away so she wouldn’t hurt the infant.
The grandma just visiting her blind, mute, and deaf grandchild while tears roll down her cheek.
Do you hear the voices like I do?
Do you see things that aren’t there?
Are you just like the rest of us?
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 12:25 PM UTC
His smile and smirk bring light to my eyes. The way his head falls back when he laughs.
His grin so manipulative he took the beam of light out of my eyes because he hurt me so bad
His dimples and lips were no longer a delight
And his jokes were no longer a amusement.
-Gillian Askeland
Dec 29, 2018
Dec 29, 2018 at 1:32 AM UTC
She was broken and hurt
trying to survive through the pain
she danced until her feet went numb
and her thoughts were gone
She let the music take control
her lifeless body was now alive
and her empty mind was full
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 10:27 PM UTC
Some nights I lie awake in my bed looking into the darkness.
Some nights a take a blade to my thigh.
Some nights I drown in pain and brokenness.
Some nights I think of you…
Some nights I plan out my death or run away.
Some nights my demons hold me and comfort me in the darkness of my soul.
Some nights I sneak out with a blanket and look at the stars.
Some nights I ask myself “What’s the point anymore?”
Every night I die a little more inside.
-Gillian Askeland
Dec 4, 2017
Dec 4, 2017 at 3:09 PM UTC
Am I invisible?
You'll never see what you do to me.
Because I'm in love with a stranger.
Should I let it go?
Will he ever see what he does to me?
Breaking hearts everytime he sees me.
He doesn't even know my name.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:22 AM UTC
Loving and fighting
Accusing, denying
I can’t imagine a world with you gone.
I just want to pull you in and hear your heartbeat.
I still want you, can you hold on?
I’ll take your hand and guide you to love.
Now I’m holding on to these memories
Crying and driving while I scream
“Please don’t leave me, Hold on”
I don’t wanna let go
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 10:28 PM UTC
I went back to you after you broke my heart.
I know you're busy now cause why else would you ignore me?
Or did you change your mind?
Why did I even let you in?
I ask you if you're okay.
And I know it's not true when you say "I'm fine"
How could you not love someone who lets you break them twice?
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:08 AM UTC
1 word
2 cuts
3 lies
4 more lines
5 bruised boys and girls
6 more dead
7 tried suicide attempts
8 broken souls
9 crying themselves to sleep
10 boys and girls asking “why me?”
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 27, 2017
Nov 27, 2017 at 2:56 PM UTC
I miss those late nights. Those late night cuddles and kisses. Us ordering pizza on weekends or weekdays and going to my house and eat it. How we loved watching movies and just holding each other. I miss laughing nonstop because of those sarcastic comments. That moment I would catch you staring at me, or you catch me staring at you. I miss those I love you’s I miss those late night drives with the windows down and music up. I miss talking to your mom and talking about random stuff. I miss laughing with your family. And how your family would always try to get me to eat. I miss always agreeing with your brother when you would give him crap. Or how we did fireworks together and chased each other around. I miss our dirt road trips until 3:00 am when I would tell my parents we were watching movies. I miss those moments we got to share. But now here we are making them with other people.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 19, 2017
Nov 19, 2017 at 7:36 PM UTC
She was just a normal little girl
As she grew up she started slipping away
There was no sparkle in her eye
Nor was there the sound of happiness in her voice
She grew to hate the things she loved most
She kept everything inside and let it slip by
She cried herself to sleep every night
And slid the blade across her pale white skin
She watched the blood drip down
But if someone noticed
She would blame it on the cat
Things were going down for her not really up
Her hand shook wild while she was writing her last words
She knew what she had to do next
She tied the rope around her neck
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 31, 2018
Jan 31, 2018 at 12:08 AM UTC
We had a lot of lake days. But this one I'll always remember. We went to the lake I was in my bikini and you were in your shorts. We had a couple friends with us. But we went into the water and messed around the whole time. I splashed water on you and before I knew it you picked me up and threw me into the water. Laughing the whole time while I got water up my nose. When I came back up to the surface you came up behind me and hugged me. You whispered into my ear "Gillian I love you, I'm never leaving" And you kissed my neck. I told you the same thing back. A couple months of lake days and midnight movies later you called it quits. It broke me cause I lost my best friend and you left me. That lake day is a day I'll never forget.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 3:18 PM UTC
It's easy to say that you'll be okay.
Or that you won't cry.
It's easy to say that you won't cut or self-harm in any way.
It's easy to say that you love yourself when you really don't.
It's just so easy to say these things when you know they aren't true.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:47 AM UTC
During the hurricane, you were the eye of the storm. Calm and kind.
You took the pain away when you came along. You calmed my storm that raged inside my soul and mind.
When I wanted to drown in the storm you came and pulled me out of the hurricane.
You gave me a secure and safe place to stay while my world was crashing down all around me because of the **** storm.
I got to sleep during the storm when you were there.
You are the calm after the storm.
And the eye of the hurricane.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 17, 2017
Nov 17, 2017 at 12:48 PM UTC
My addiction is you.
My addiction is cutting.
My addiction is cutting because I miss you.
These addictions won’t go away no matter how hard I try.
It’s you, its always been you.
My addiction.
-Gillian Askeland
Nov 19, 2017
Nov 19, 2017 at 7:37 PM UTC