Hi Dad,
I called to say I'm sorry
sorry for how I treated you growing up.
Sorry for never breaking the ice, never trying to go through your walls,
while putting up mine higher ,
while you were putting up with me,
my behaviour, all your care met with nothing but disrespect.
I dind't feel like I could reach you back then.
Trouble you with my worries and problems.
I didn't think I was allowed, saw no room.
You've never been the emotional available type,
yet you were the most caring nurturing, supporting and reliable person I've met in my life.
You still are.
You were a string of stability in my childhood and after.
You've never been an authority figure. It's a little like you took my moms place ,when she had to put her needs above mine.
But you were hard to reach, so restircted by your parents upbringing.
"Don't act out, behave, keep up your appereance, smile, be polite, and most importantly don't ever bother anyone"
You were working a lot too.
I spend so much time alone.
Can it be? You can't be direct with your emotions,
you don't say I love you,
You say you're very dear to me instead again and again
hoping that the message sticks.
You say "what about going outside for a change?", instead of "Your behaviour is unhealthy son. We're going to change it.
Words aren't your strongest suit, mine neither
so you switch to acts.
Acts of service and quality time.
So easily overlooked. Not apprecciated enough.
Used and taken for granted.
I took it for weakness back than, and yes I used you in so many ways.
Over and over I insulted your kindness.
You're a bit shy too aren't you?
Never been the bravest. We both struggle with that.
You don't take charge you wait till the time is right, till the stars align and things take their natural order.
And if the time doesn't come than it will simply never happen.
In life that means you're often left, left out, left behind with the scraps.
It's unfair. But you endured. You're patient.
How much did others take form you? How much time? You never learned to mark your limits. Hard to say no. People pleasing is a habit that sticks and leaves you vulnurable.
You seem stuck and torn between worlds as well.
Somewhere between working and middle class, between liberal and conservative.
Between the family you grew up with and my mother you choose.
And me in the middle, after the break up.
I'm sorry, Dad, for not valuing what you gave and sacrified for me on the daily.
For washing the pots I left in the sink bruned again and again.
For showing me the islands of the Atlantic ocean every year,
watching dolphines and whales in the sea.
For cleaning the floor and chasing me up and down all of these mountains till evantually I grew to love it.
For cooking me meals after a long day of work. setting the table,
just to wait for me never come to the table and watch the food go cold.
And eat alone.
I was busy hiding away from the world. It was to much for me.
I wasn't welcome anywhere. Singled out from the get go.
Before I could even begin to think.
You wanted to push me into the world, so I fought that.
Trying was to hard and I didn't have much encouragment to fail and try again. The pull of fantasy and untoachable, strong heroes besting every trouble was to strong next to realitys horrors.
You were always ready to give me your everything,
to scrape out the last bit of yourself so I could waste it and throw it away.
Your trust in me was infinite.
I only ever used you for it.
Couldn't see all the love and pain behind.
I know loneliness, but know I realize you must have lived it too.
You probably buried your troubles in your work, shouldering it all alone, trying to provide for my every whishes without me giving you many good things to come home to.
Yet you never choose violence or let your anger out on me.
Although I could feel the frustration. I practically bathed in it.
Without thanks or aknowledgement. You did it alone. You fought for your place in my life and you earned it times over.
Thanks to you and Mama I grew up without toxic masculinity.
That's worth a lot. Thank you.
I hope you find someone soon who breaks that shell, who sees and appreciates you fully. Who pushes you further than you've ever been. Shows you things of wonder you can't even imagine yet
Through adventure and life.
I hope you life a long, happy and peaceful life.
You deserve it.
I hope I can be around long enough to witness it and support you for once.
And not to be selfish again and choose to check out. I'm trying
I regret our relationship growing up but it makes sense to me. We we're both stuck in our circumstances and nature. I just hope I can make up for it now,
Show you that you nurtured something worth it all.
Raised someone you can be proud of.
I love you Papa, please take care of yourself.
