the feeling buzzes in your fingertips
                                                                     a longing so far away
                                                                        yet just out of reach
they're so beautiful
                                                                                    untouchable
                                                        you've never felt more alone
asleep right next to you
in the early hours of the morning
                                                                              something ugly
                                                               rears its head inside you
you want to sink
                                                                  you want to disappear
into the sheets with them
                                                                      bring them into you
                                                               hurt them how you hurt
never let this moment end
their soft gaze meeting yours
                                                              you swear they can see it
                                                                        your ugly thoughts
they smile into your neck
                                                               you swallow your throat
                                      how selfish of you

you want
                       to grab their hand
                            dig             your nails in
                                      until the blood   drips
                                              drag them             down
                                                                into you
                                                       where everything        dies
                           show them
                                      what they did
                      take them      apart
                                 bit      by awful       bit
                                     relish in the way
                                                    they’d         hurt
                                                                 cry           for help
                                                   you’re an animal
                                          starved             in a cage
                                                terrified
                                          volatile
                                                                    what      was          it
                                                                                             all             for

i feel like i'm suffocating
       a saltwater fish in fresh water
                                    stuck in the wrong body
                      at the wrong time
         in the wrong life

i’m wrong

                           i can feel it
        in the way she looks at me
                condescends me
           in the way he ignores me
                    is disgusted by me

                          we all know why the air
               hangs more tense
     than a snagged fishing line

           we understand the implications
                                     but we keep it to ourselves
       in silence we agreed to forget
                     that a mother’s love is not unconditional

who are you without everyone else?
where do you begin?
where do you end?
half-hearted sentiments
full of half truths

you’re a ******* liar
lying ******* on the floor
i’m not sure you know
how to be alone

you’re a glass half empty
desperately trying
to stuff yourself full
of other people

how many times do you have to lose
to get the ******* point?
you can't make a home out of another person
you can't belong where you aren't wanted

what were you honestly expecting?

home is reinventing yourself
                               over       and        over      and        over
                            ­                           to get it right
                                    struggling to put your life back together
                          playing catch up                  years behind
                                                      watching everyone go on without you
home is that gutwrenching terror
                       that freezes needles into your skin
                                         that has your hands trembling
         as he downs another drink
                home is an empty fridge while you starve
                                   alone in your room
                                                            ­         wishing you could end it all
                 home is empty bottles
                                       shattered against the wall
                                                        vomi­t painted on the floor
                                                                       like a monet
home is a disappearing act
          as you sink into your bed
                                                                     wishing you’d never woken up
                  home is the art of becoming invisible
                                                                              inconsequential
           as you sit alone on the roof
                           contemplating the fall
                                                                     wishing the wind would take you
home is lying awake crying
                                                       whi­le they sleep right next to you
                                           miles away in the same bed
                    home is hoping they’d kiss you more
                                                               hold you     more
                                                 love you                    more
                    home is falling apart in the shower
                                    desperately trying to make yourself want less
                       tearing your own skin apart
                                                           ­          hoping you'll finally do it

how      long      did      you      spend      waiting
how  much­  of   yourself  did  you  put on hold
for             something             you                knew
would                         never                           come
why        did        you        stay        to        sear­ch
for the deeper  meaning  hidden  in the  silence
for          the          sincerity          of     ­    inaction
lying   belly    up      in      a     pit     of     snakes
hoping  that   the   thick   stench   of   your  fear
would       be       enough       to       save       you

i have this deeprooted fear
                        that someday it’ll stop
                 that everyone i love
          will tire of me
    and my constant state
                                         of falling apart

the fear tugs at my soul
           aches in my bones
      until i go numb
                   buried in the sheets with you
              desperate to make you stay
       it makes my hair stand up
  my stomach go sour

i want to run away
                            so bad it hurts
                    because i’ve learned
           to settle for a glass half empty
    to ruin good things
                                 before they ruin me

i’m playing a losing game
                                pretending this is viable
               wasting away just out of reach
                                                         out of touch

tea steeped too long

coffee burnt too dark

a kettle left to boil out

food rotting away
in the dark corner of a fridge

roots entangled and suffocating
in a too-small ***

shouldn't i be used to this by now

i was indiscernible from you

a decrepit overgrown ruin
with lichen
clinging to every brick
and ivy ****
invading every crack
you held me together
eroded me away

i let you grow over me
through me
without me

i was a charity of myself
until I stopped existing entirely