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home is reinventing yourself
                                                   until­ you’re bearable
                                                        ­ until you’re loveable
                      home is struggling to put your life back together
                                trying to play catch up
                                       years behind everyone else
home is that gutwrenching terror
                        that leaves your limbs frozen
                                       hands trembling
          home is an empty fridge
                           days spent starving
                                     alone in your room
                    home is empty bottles
                                 shattered against the wall
                                          strewn across the floor
                                                like rose petals
home is a disappearing act
                           sinking into your bed
                    wishing you’d stayed asleep
        home is becoming invisible
                           home is sitting alone on the roof
                                         contemplating the fall
                                               praying the wind would finally take you
                    home is lying awake crying
                                                                 while they sleep next to you
                                                          mil­es away in the same bed
                             home is hoping they’d kiss you more
                                                hold you             more
                                           love you           more
                   home is crying in the shower
                                                      wish­ing you wanted less
                                tearing your own skin apart
                                              desperate to stop existing
Oliver H Jul 13
i have this deeprooted fear
                        that someday it’ll stop
                 that everyone i love
          will tire of me
    and my constant state
                                         of falling apart

the fear tugs at my soul
           aches in my bones
      until i go numb
                   buried in the sheets with you
              desperate to make you stay
       it makes my hair stand up
  my stomach go sour

i want to run away
                            so bad it hurts
                    because i’ve learned
           to settle for a glass half empty
    to ruin good things
                                 before they ruin me

i’m playing a losing game
                                pretending this is viable
               wasting away just out of reach
                                                         out of touch
Oliver H Jun 20
you want
to grab their hand
dig your nails in
until the blood drips
drag them down
into you
where everything dies
show them
what they did
take them apart
bit by awful bit
relish in the way
they’d hurt
cry for help
you’re an animal
starved in a cage
and volatile

what was it all for
Oliver H Jun 4
how      long      did      you      spend      waiting
how  much­  of   yourself  did  you  put on hold
for  something  you  knew  would never  come
why        did        you        stay        to      ­  search
for the deeper  meaning  hidden  in the  silence
for          the          sincerity          of     ­    inaction
lying   belly    up      in      a     pit     of     snakes
hoping  that   the   thick   stench   of   your  fear
would       be       enough       to       save       you
Oliver H Jun 4
who are you without everyone else?
where do you begin?
where do you end?
half-hearted sentiments
full of half truths

you’re a ******* liar
lying ******* on the floor
i’m not sure you know
how to be alone

you’re a glass half empty
desperately trying
to stuff yourself full
of other people

how many times do you have to lose
to get the ******* point?
you can't make a home out of another person
you can't belong where you aren't wanted

what were you honestly expecting?
Oliver H Jun 3
the feeling buzzes in your fingertips
                                                                     a longing so far away
                                                                        yet just out of reach
they're so beautiful
                                                        you've never felt more alone
asleep right next to you
in the early hours of the morning
                                                                              something ugly
                                                               rears its head inside you
you want to sink
                                                                  you want to disappear
into the sheets with them
                                                                      bring them into you
                                                               hurt them how you hurt
never let this moment end
their soft gaze meeting yours
                                                              you swear they can see it
                                                                        your ugly thoughts
they smile into your neck
                                                               you swallow your throat
                                      how selfish of you
Oliver H May 13
tea steeped too long

coffee burnt too dark

a kettle left to boil out

food rotting away
in the dark corner of a fridge

roots entangled and suffocating
in a too-small ***

shouldn't i be used to this by now
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